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Hmmmm, where to start....
Well, I started coming here about a month ago, I recently moved (nearly two months ago) from living with/working with my family, an extremely unhealthy group of alcoholic/addict/co individuals that a team of psychiatrists and therapists could win a Nobel Prize by studying.
While I was living there, I became extremely codependent,and had nearly a two year "sober" bottom, then drank, which didn't help, so got sober again and got active in AA again, during this time I started dating a woman who has many wonderful qualities, and on many many levels is a wonderful woman, however, she has had "family of origin" issues as well, that made it difficult for her to allow anyone get close to her ...I want to make it clear that when I started dating her, I was a mess, ultimately there were two people "blowing it".
Long story, but 8 months ago is when I got sober, and I stated unless she went to alanon or a therapist, I couldn't see us making it, as I didn't feel we had any sort of "common language" or "common ground" I should say in order to work on our relationship and I wasn't doing a very good job of trying to explain the mechanics of a successful relationship to her, especially in the light of much of my behaviors, I felt we needed help, a lot of help.
Anyhow, she went to therapy for awhile, she actually started while we were breaking up, and going through her own codie bottom, Later on, I took her to her first Alanon meeting, (her choice to go, I just held her hand), and eventually she realized she was an alcoholic, and needed to get sober in order to deal with her "stuff" and started attending AA meetings, as well as reading/studying/ codie books and participating on some Alanon Forums similar to this one, as well as reaching out to sober women with slaa/alanon experience.
About three weeks ago, we broke up again, we did a lot of finger pointing and generally weren't very nice to each other, I ended up sending her an article about "Abusive Relationships" and generally we both played "the blame game". There wasn't any name calling, but it wasn't what I would call amicable by any stretch of the imagination, by either of us.
Friday Night I was at a meeting, and she called me, I had my phone on silent, so didn't hear her, I was with a pretty large group of friends, walked outside after the meeting, looked and had received a text from her.
"I am Pregnant."
I called her, she confirmed it, I told her I was a bit overwhelmed and I asked for a few minutes, and told her I would call her back.
It knocked me down, my knees got wobbly, and I just sank to the ground and started crying.
I talked to my friends for a few minutes, they were very supportive, but they didn't really know what to say.
I called her back, and said "OK, well, whatever you want to do, I want you to know I'm there for you, If you need to go to Planned Parenthood, I'll be there, If you decide to keep it, I'll be there, whatever you do you have my support and love"
She asked, "what does that look like? what does that mean? How will you 'be there' if I decide to keep it?"
I said, "I don't live very far away, I will get a night job to watch our child during the day while you work, I will be an active participant in this child's life, whatever you need, I will be there."
She asked me to come over, so I did, she talked to her daughter (16) I talked to her daughter, and she and I talked for hours and hours.
It looks like she's going to keep it. We were both clear on the fact that this issue doesn't have anything to do with "us" as a couple, as in the nature of our relationship is besides the point when it comes to this issue and raising this child, that we needed to be able to set aside our differences and learn to get along on this issue, she even talked about me moving in up there when the child is born but we'd have to have some pretty serious boundaries about bringing over "other people". She also requested that we go to couples counseling and therapy in order to learn how to not repeat the patterns of the past.
A few things about her, she is active in recovery, and she is doing it for herself. She is also the one wanting to go to therapy ( I do as well, but she brought it up, and not as a ploy). We discussed our "break up" fight, and she stated she doesn't want to be that person any more, and was actively working to change, but asked that I remember she only has 60 days, and to please treat her with the same patience, love, and tolerance I cheerfully grant my sponsees. (I did hold her to a different set of standards as we were in a relationship)
We spoke for hours and hours, and she really "owned her part" we didn't wholly see eye to eye on everything, but at the end of the day, I believe we came to a place of understanding and were able to see each others point of view and know just because "I was right" she wasn't wrong, and vice versa, our break up was a theme we've played before, with her needing to take space and the way she goes about it triggering my "stuff", and my "stuff" causing her to take more distance, causing more....well you get the point, it escalates until we explode.
We are both hoping that going to a therapist, working with our sponsors, and both trying to make some small changes in order to better "hear" each other, as well as taking care of ourselves and really focusing on ourselves, may help us communicate, I have had incredible results form therapy/couples counseling in the past, I mean mind boggling simple answers that wipe out life long patterns.
I have seen a TON of changes in this woman since we have started dating, and she was struck by the changes she saw in me even since we broke up.....
I by no means am blowing sunshine up my keister, and don't know what the future brings, I don't know how our relationship with her will evolve, we are both very frightened by everything, by each other, by this new life that's suddenly appeared, but I am just doing what's in front of me, and doing "the next right thing"
When I spoke to my sponsor, he was blown away, when he finally stopped saying wow wow wow wow wow, I told him of our conversations, he...well he said he would be calling me from Tijuana if our roles were reversed, and he was blown away I was "stepping up", the responses I have gotten have been interesting, but all have been supportive, and basically all say the same thing.
"well.......ummm....there it is."
Anyway....I'm going to be a daddy, it's not quite how I would have chosen for this to happen, but there it is, and the truth is, I'm looking forward to it. I am excited by this.
I DO love this woman very much, even on the days I would happily "wring her neck" (being facetious) and she loves me as well, and I think we both would very much like to see "our relationship" work out, but we are both clear it might, but it might not, but it truly doesn't matter in the "big picture".
Anyhow.....there's my....story.
This was a pretty long post, and I have no idea what I've left out, but it's been a busy few days, between work and.....this, so I'll hit "submit new thread" now, and try to fill in any gaps, and answer any questions, and read any input.
Have a great day.
Well, I started coming here about a month ago, I recently moved (nearly two months ago) from living with/working with my family, an extremely unhealthy group of alcoholic/addict/co individuals that a team of psychiatrists and therapists could win a Nobel Prize by studying.
While I was living there, I became extremely codependent,and had nearly a two year "sober" bottom, then drank, which didn't help, so got sober again and got active in AA again, during this time I started dating a woman who has many wonderful qualities, and on many many levels is a wonderful woman, however, she has had "family of origin" issues as well, that made it difficult for her to allow anyone get close to her ...I want to make it clear that when I started dating her, I was a mess, ultimately there were two people "blowing it".
Long story, but 8 months ago is when I got sober, and I stated unless she went to alanon or a therapist, I couldn't see us making it, as I didn't feel we had any sort of "common language" or "common ground" I should say in order to work on our relationship and I wasn't doing a very good job of trying to explain the mechanics of a successful relationship to her, especially in the light of much of my behaviors, I felt we needed help, a lot of help.
Anyhow, she went to therapy for awhile, she actually started while we were breaking up, and going through her own codie bottom, Later on, I took her to her first Alanon meeting, (her choice to go, I just held her hand), and eventually she realized she was an alcoholic, and needed to get sober in order to deal with her "stuff" and started attending AA meetings, as well as reading/studying/ codie books and participating on some Alanon Forums similar to this one, as well as reaching out to sober women with slaa/alanon experience.
About three weeks ago, we broke up again, we did a lot of finger pointing and generally weren't very nice to each other, I ended up sending her an article about "Abusive Relationships" and generally we both played "the blame game". There wasn't any name calling, but it wasn't what I would call amicable by any stretch of the imagination, by either of us.
Friday Night I was at a meeting, and she called me, I had my phone on silent, so didn't hear her, I was with a pretty large group of friends, walked outside after the meeting, looked and had received a text from her.
"I am Pregnant."
I called her, she confirmed it, I told her I was a bit overwhelmed and I asked for a few minutes, and told her I would call her back.
It knocked me down, my knees got wobbly, and I just sank to the ground and started crying.
I talked to my friends for a few minutes, they were very supportive, but they didn't really know what to say.
I called her back, and said "OK, well, whatever you want to do, I want you to know I'm there for you, If you need to go to Planned Parenthood, I'll be there, If you decide to keep it, I'll be there, whatever you do you have my support and love"
She asked, "what does that look like? what does that mean? How will you 'be there' if I decide to keep it?"
I said, "I don't live very far away, I will get a night job to watch our child during the day while you work, I will be an active participant in this child's life, whatever you need, I will be there."
She asked me to come over, so I did, she talked to her daughter (16) I talked to her daughter, and she and I talked for hours and hours.
It looks like she's going to keep it. We were both clear on the fact that this issue doesn't have anything to do with "us" as a couple, as in the nature of our relationship is besides the point when it comes to this issue and raising this child, that we needed to be able to set aside our differences and learn to get along on this issue, she even talked about me moving in up there when the child is born but we'd have to have some pretty serious boundaries about bringing over "other people". She also requested that we go to couples counseling and therapy in order to learn how to not repeat the patterns of the past.
A few things about her, she is active in recovery, and she is doing it for herself. She is also the one wanting to go to therapy ( I do as well, but she brought it up, and not as a ploy). We discussed our "break up" fight, and she stated she doesn't want to be that person any more, and was actively working to change, but asked that I remember she only has 60 days, and to please treat her with the same patience, love, and tolerance I cheerfully grant my sponsees. (I did hold her to a different set of standards as we were in a relationship)
We spoke for hours and hours, and she really "owned her part" we didn't wholly see eye to eye on everything, but at the end of the day, I believe we came to a place of understanding and were able to see each others point of view and know just because "I was right" she wasn't wrong, and vice versa, our break up was a theme we've played before, with her needing to take space and the way she goes about it triggering my "stuff", and my "stuff" causing her to take more distance, causing more....well you get the point, it escalates until we explode.
We are both hoping that going to a therapist, working with our sponsors, and both trying to make some small changes in order to better "hear" each other, as well as taking care of ourselves and really focusing on ourselves, may help us communicate, I have had incredible results form therapy/couples counseling in the past, I mean mind boggling simple answers that wipe out life long patterns.
I have seen a TON of changes in this woman since we have started dating, and she was struck by the changes she saw in me even since we broke up.....
I by no means am blowing sunshine up my keister, and don't know what the future brings, I don't know how our relationship with her will evolve, we are both very frightened by everything, by each other, by this new life that's suddenly appeared, but I am just doing what's in front of me, and doing "the next right thing"
When I spoke to my sponsor, he was blown away, when he finally stopped saying wow wow wow wow wow, I told him of our conversations, he...well he said he would be calling me from Tijuana if our roles were reversed, and he was blown away I was "stepping up", the responses I have gotten have been interesting, but all have been supportive, and basically all say the same thing.
"well.......ummm....there it is."
Anyway....I'm going to be a daddy, it's not quite how I would have chosen for this to happen, but there it is, and the truth is, I'm looking forward to it. I am excited by this.
I DO love this woman very much, even on the days I would happily "wring her neck" (being facetious) and she loves me as well, and I think we both would very much like to see "our relationship" work out, but we are both clear it might, but it might not, but it truly doesn't matter in the "big picture".
Anyhow.....there's my....story.
This was a pretty long post, and I have no idea what I've left out, but it's been a busy few days, between work and.....this, so I'll hit "submit new thread" now, and try to fill in any gaps, and answer any questions, and read any input.
Have a great day.
Last edited by Ago; 10-13-2008 at 08:53 AM.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Ago, you know (from my other posts to you) that I respect and admire you, right? So please don't take this wrong at all.
Your ex, as I recall, was a sex addict. She had a number of relationships with other men, got into deviant sexual behavior, etc. etc. She may have begun to clean up her act in the last few weeks but.........are you sure this is your baby?
Many times, promiscuous women who find themselves pregnant will latch onto the one that presents the best opportunity for stability. You become their life preserver. Is this you?
I respect your feelings but just want to be sure you're remembering all you told US about your ex. It was pretty horrible , abusive behavior, and I'm definitely seeing red flags here for you, and for bringing a baby into this tenuous situation.
BUT ---------- you are a wise man and can make your own decisions. I just wanted to broach that sensitive issue, because I worry for you
Hugs,
GL
Your ex, as I recall, was a sex addict. She had a number of relationships with other men, got into deviant sexual behavior, etc. etc. She may have begun to clean up her act in the last few weeks but.........are you sure this is your baby?
Many times, promiscuous women who find themselves pregnant will latch onto the one that presents the best opportunity for stability. You become their life preserver. Is this you?
I respect your feelings but just want to be sure you're remembering all you told US about your ex. It was pretty horrible , abusive behavior, and I'm definitely seeing red flags here for you, and for bringing a baby into this tenuous situation.
BUT ---------- you are a wise man and can make your own decisions. I just wanted to broach that sensitive issue, because I worry for you
Hugs,
GL
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
No no, I hear you, and thank you
First, this may sound naive, but I asked her, and I believe her, although I will get a blood test just for my peace of mind.
Second, I don't think that she is a sex addict, I do believe she has behaved inappropriately in my opinion in the past, but I don't know that she has slept with anyone else in the last two years. She says she hasn't, and while I have "caught" her in a pretty compromising situation....I truly don't think she has slept with anyone else. I think with her "abuse" issues (she was abused badly as a child in many ways) the ways she goes about seeking validation are pretty suspect to me, she is by no means a loose woman, and her...umm...behavior is VERY low grade and subtle, I do see it on occasion, adding to my discomfort, but she dresses appropriately, and doesn't really give "come and get it" body language, but frankly, in my opinion, lacks a few boundaries with men, it's something we have addressed, and she has stated she is working on that.
therein lies the root of many of our issues, she engages in what I view as pretty suspicious behavior, usually at the same time as she "takes distance", I question her about it, she responds poorly and lashes out at me, oh look a snowball.
Afterwards we talk and her explanation makes perfect sense...but while it's happening...yeah...it's bad.
as far as her looking for "stability" from me, lol lol I don't think that's it haha, although I am joking, I am serious, she makes a ton more money then I do, has a 16 yo daughter, she positively "reeks" of stability, whereas truthfully, I have been like a ping pong ball in a tornado. She has "stability" except in her relationships.
Anyway, like I said, there are two issues on the table here, "our" relationship as a couple, and "our relationship" as co-parents, and I don't have any answers for either of them except to do the next right thing, and that it's of extreme importance I don't confuse the two.
more will be revealed.
First, this may sound naive, but I asked her, and I believe her, although I will get a blood test just for my peace of mind.
Second, I don't think that she is a sex addict, I do believe she has behaved inappropriately in my opinion in the past, but I don't know that she has slept with anyone else in the last two years. She says she hasn't, and while I have "caught" her in a pretty compromising situation....I truly don't think she has slept with anyone else. I think with her "abuse" issues (she was abused badly as a child in many ways) the ways she goes about seeking validation are pretty suspect to me, she is by no means a loose woman, and her...umm...behavior is VERY low grade and subtle, I do see it on occasion, adding to my discomfort, but she dresses appropriately, and doesn't really give "come and get it" body language, but frankly, in my opinion, lacks a few boundaries with men, it's something we have addressed, and she has stated she is working on that.
therein lies the root of many of our issues, she engages in what I view as pretty suspicious behavior, usually at the same time as she "takes distance", I question her about it, she responds poorly and lashes out at me, oh look a snowball.
Afterwards we talk and her explanation makes perfect sense...but while it's happening...yeah...it's bad.
as far as her looking for "stability" from me, lol lol I don't think that's it haha, although I am joking, I am serious, she makes a ton more money then I do, has a 16 yo daughter, she positively "reeks" of stability, whereas truthfully, I have been like a ping pong ball in a tornado. She has "stability" except in her relationships.
Anyway, like I said, there are two issues on the table here, "our" relationship as a couple, and "our relationship" as co-parents, and I don't have any answers for either of them except to do the next right thing, and that it's of extreme importance I don't confuse the two.
more will be revealed.
Last edited by Ago; 10-13-2008 at 09:20 AM.
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Ago~ I usually don't post on this side but your thread has caught my eye.. I whole-heartedly agree with givelove. To make a long long story short, my son fought for a year to get custody of his (what he thought)) son after a break-up to find out out he wasn't the father. It was so heart-breaking and sad for the whole family. So, please be smart right from the beginning. That was the beginning of a horrible year with my son and cocaine. Today (just for today)) I think things are Ok.........hugs, Bonnie
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One of my sponsors told me very early in my recovery that I already had one a$$hole in my pants, and certainly didn't need another.
Since I continued to do so many things my way, I ended up pregnant about 15 months into recovery.
Nothing, not a single thing turned out the way anyone could have anticipated in that situation.
That daughter is now 20 years old and I love her with all my heart.
Her father has been next to non-existent in her life, and I know that is one of the issues she really struggles with, hence the binge drinking and flaming codependency that she has.
Not only have I had consequences from my drinking/using days follow me for a long time in recovery, but I've also had consequences from still doing things my way in recovery.
They don't have to do blood tests anymore; they can establish paternity with a cheek swab now.
Since I continued to do so many things my way, I ended up pregnant about 15 months into recovery.
Nothing, not a single thing turned out the way anyone could have anticipated in that situation.
That daughter is now 20 years old and I love her with all my heart.
Her father has been next to non-existent in her life, and I know that is one of the issues she really struggles with, hence the binge drinking and flaming codependency that she has.
Not only have I had consequences from my drinking/using days follow me for a long time in recovery, but I've also had consequences from still doing things my way in recovery.
They don't have to do blood tests anymore; they can establish paternity with a cheek swab now.
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Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
One of my sponsors told me very early in my recovery that I already had one a$$hole in my pants, and certainly didn't need another.
Since I continued to do so many things my way, I ended up pregnant about 15 months into recovery.
Nothing, not a single thing turned out the way anyone could have anticipated in that situation.
That daughter is now 20 years old and I love her with all my heart.
Her father has been next to non-existent in her life, and I know that is one of the issues she really struggles with, hence the binge drinking and flaming codependency that she has.
Not only have I had consequences from my drinking/using days follow me for a long time in recovery, but I've also had consequences from still doing things my way in recovery.
They don't have to do blood tests anymore; they can establish paternity with a cheek swab now.
Since I continued to do so many things my way, I ended up pregnant about 15 months into recovery.
Nothing, not a single thing turned out the way anyone could have anticipated in that situation.
That daughter is now 20 years old and I love her with all my heart.
Her father has been next to non-existent in her life, and I know that is one of the issues she really struggles with, hence the binge drinking and flaming codependency that she has.
Not only have I had consequences from my drinking/using days follow me for a long time in recovery, but I've also had consequences from still doing things my way in recovery.
They don't have to do blood tests anymore; they can establish paternity with a cheek swab now.
Thank you for the stories of your consequences of doing it "your way", but I have been checking with my "sponsor" and with my support group, and they all agree I am doing "the next right thing", I am not doing it "my way" as it were.
The situation "is what it is" and all I can do now is deal with it the best way I know how, reaching out for help from my sponsor, my support group, and here on these forums.
I don't know what the future will bring, and was very clear about separating "our" relationship as a couple with "our relationship" as co-parents.
I have no idea what is going to happen, all I can do is "the next right thing" and put one foot in front of the other.
I'm aware, that for me, most of my "relationship" problems come from dealing with women, so another woman might not be the answer to those problems, however, I have to admit I "bridled" a little bit about the a$$hole statement, I mean I guess your sponsor knows best about you and the partners that you pick, but for you to make that statement about me and this woman, is in my opinion, completely out of line, unjustified, and unwarranted.
You state that your daughter is 20, and you love her with all your heart, then you state her father is unavailable, and it has caused her issues, yet, when I, as a sober man, state that I WILL be available, you seem to have a problem with that somehow, IMO it's your problem, not mine, please don't paint me with "your brush".
Yeah I meant "blood test" as a polite euphemism for paternity test.
I truly welcome any constructive criticism, and helpful experience strength and hope, and maybe I am just being dense, I just didn't see anything helpful in your response.
Anyway, thank you for your post, I didn't find it helpful or useful, but perhaps someone else reading this thread will, but I suspect as soon as I hit "submit" I will move past it, I have quite a bit going on today, have a great day.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Congratulations!
What a crazy, interesting, terrifying, exciting time for you!
Sounds like you've got a good chance at having a "working relationship" with the mother.
Here's a story for you:
My sister-in-law found out that she was pregnant after splitting with her husband. Their divorce was difficult and ugly, but they were really able to come together over the baby. Both have since remarried, but they've been good friends now for over 20 years - and excellent co-parents, to boot!
Good luck, Ago!
-TC
What a crazy, interesting, terrifying, exciting time for you!
Sounds like you've got a good chance at having a "working relationship" with the mother.
Here's a story for you:
My sister-in-law found out that she was pregnant after splitting with her husband. Their divorce was difficult and ugly, but they were really able to come together over the baby. Both have since remarried, but they've been good friends now for over 20 years - and excellent co-parents, to boot!
Good luck, Ago!
-TC
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Sincere apologies. I wasn't trying to imply anything about your or this woman.
I was just sharing my experience with an unplanned pregnancy in recovery
I was just sharing my experience with an unplanned pregnancy in recovery
Scene: Happy joyous and free land, Andrew is surrounded by friends, disrupting the meeting with his giggling while his roommate is the "speaker"
Andrew "thought balloon" Golly, my life is just swell, I'm working, have great roommates, friends, and I've really let go of that relationship and forgiven her, I wonder what will happen next? At least I know I will NEVER talk to "that" woman again, hehe and I have my WHOLE life in front of me, I'm free, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and go anywhere I want.
(phone buzzes)
Andrew looks at the phone, bursts into tears
Andrew dials? "hello? what? OK, I'm OMW"
Andrew drives to "her" house, thinking "yup, there is a God, and he hates me!"
Seriously, I'm really excited by this though, I'm really looking forward to this, and I'm in a great mood, what will be will be.
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Posts: 269
well i have to say i have utmost respect for you, for stepping up and being there for the baby. so many men now a days make a baby and never claim any responsiblity.
I think its really great you two can work on things for the baby. I wish you the best of luck.
I think its really great you two can work on things for the baby. I wish you the best of luck.
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Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Andrew
Congratulations and best wishes....
(and,.........so much for keeping it simple, eh?)
my ex and I were together as co-parents for only 3 months before we split up. our daughter is now 28, and we have all remained a very involved, loving engaged family. preserving your inherent goodwill toward this friend in the interest of the new baby is the best way to go. try and remember not to project too far out there.
simple is good.
one day at a time is good.
you sound ready for whatever life brings.
Congratulations and best wishes....
(and,.........so much for keeping it simple, eh?)
my ex and I were together as co-parents for only 3 months before we split up. our daughter is now 28, and we have all remained a very involved, loving engaged family. preserving your inherent goodwill toward this friend in the interest of the new baby is the best way to go. try and remember not to project too far out there.
simple is good.
one day at a time is good.
you sound ready for whatever life brings.
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Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
Wow..Congratulations on your expectancy and best wishes to you in taking the path less traveled. Children are truly blessings, and I have no doubt once the shock part settles, you will feel blessed.
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well hell (rant)
Long week
I'm exhausted...emotional roller coaster.....
I went up to see "her" on Monday I think, on Tuesday she started bleeding. I don't know what's going on, we don't know what's going on...might be bad...I don't know. She started cramping, was having a tough time, emotionally and physically, might be a miscarriage....we don't know.
So I stayed the whole week, 4 days anyway, cooking dinner, backrubs, trying to be helpful around the house, driving her around, told her I didn't want her to be alone in case of medical emergency, just trying to be supportive you know?....just trying to be a nice guy...asked her, "Do you want me to stay?" She said, yes, very much so.
Was actually a really nice week...today I wake up, she has a Drs. appt, I ask if she wants me to stay to drive her, she says, no it's OK, she's not bleeding/cramping. I say I need to go home, I am beginning to lose focus, I need to get grounded, run some errands, pay some bills etc.
I'm fairly spun, because I don't know the status of the pregnancy, am I gonna be a daddy? Is she having a miscarriage? I keep the focus completely on being helpful though, but let her know how I feel and state I need some "Andrew" time. I let her know, if she gets pale, cool and sweaty, call me (shock) or if the bleeding gets heavy, or anything, call me I'll come flying.
While I was there, she saw me looking at this place (forums) she was asking me about them, so I tell her what it is, and she asks can she read them? I tell her feel free, but realize, if you go digging through my posts, you aint gonna like em, they are from when were apart, and I was pretty angry.
So, of course, a few hours later she calls.
She saw what I wrote about getting a paternity test, sh1te hits the fan, out come the sand bags, snowballs, everything...
you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you
I try to say "stay on target" you are upset about what? how does it make you feel? stay on target please. let's stay on specifics.
sandbag sandbag sandbag sandbag snowball snowball snowball
She saw Givelove's response so HAD to go read ALL my posts, she's not too happy, she feels I minimized the "cheating" episode in the beginning...I did...I cheated...I thought that was clear from when I wrote "I cheated I really did" in the initial post. She felt i left out some of my behavior, I was like, look, it wasn't MY F'ing fourth step, it was YOUR inventory I was writing to see if I wanted to stay with you, I wrote in the last few days before we broke up. If anyone is wondering, yes I left out a few things, I had a horrible email string of jokes with some woman about donkeys and Tijuana and women with moustaches, really vulgar but funny, I was in hysterics...but this is another thing that gets tossed in my grill with astonishing frequency, at least every two weeks for the last year and change, every time she gets mad, these two come out and I get bludgeoned with them along with every other little thing I HAVE EVER DONE.
Anyway, she was absolutely batSH1T pissed that I wrote I felt I needed a paternity test.
I "validate" her feelings, apologize, etc etc not perfectly, we're pretty charged, but I do, she has to mention the apology because we had gotten so far off track, but I apologize.
I also said, "well Honey, you LIE to me, when you LIE to me, I have trouble believing you, You have lied to me repeatedly in the past, this is what I meant when I said, if you lie to me, it will have "impact" on the relationship, this is a consequence of lying to me."
Her position is she only lied about her past (men from her past that she slept with that would call etc.) or her drinking, she never lied about the present, so she would never lie about the paternity of her baby, so I'm COMPLETELY out of line for even suggesting such a thing!!!!!!
I pointed out that I wrote I did believe her, but would want a paternity test for my own peace of mind.
I also pointed out WE WERE BROKEN UP FOR A MONTH!
Anyhow, now it's just a total goatfok again, she's not answering the phone etc.
I'm exhausted...you know? I wasn't the world's best BF when we first started dating, I wasn't even a very good BF, wait....stop...when we started dating I was a mess....I was a terrible boyfriend, I really was, I was unhappy, I was miserable, and we brought out the worst in each other, but for crying out loud..I turned it around a long time ago, and have been continuing to turn it around. I'm just "done" being "punished" for the same thing, over and over and over and over and over and over.
I busted my F'ing hump to step up, do the right thing, take responsibility, be supportive, and ...it's......just......never......enough. I've F'ing busted my hump to be a good Boyfriend, to be "present" to be accountable, to be thoughtful, in short to be a "sober" Boyfrind, a GOOD man.
F * * K
I give up.
I really do.
I don't know what to do anymore....I really try to be "sober" (that word to me means have integrity, honesty, be open minded, be of service etc.) and feel like ....I'm just tired....I'm tired of being slapped down, tired of being sandbagged, tired of being "yelled at"
I do the best I can, and I think it's pretty F'ing good goddammit.
I walked away, and thought there was nothing in the world she could tell me that would bring me back...well, ""I am pregnant" tossed that theory out the window.
You know, sometimes I wonder....this is strictly the alcoholic speaking, but it's like, if you hate us so much, why do you stay with us and try to grind us into mush even after we step up, or even after we leave you, track us down, drag us back into the relationship just to make us miserable some more??????
:wtf2 is it you WANT from us
???????
OK...rant over....I've calmed down....just heard some juicy AA gossip (the good kind, not character assassination) that always helps.....
Anyhow, sorry, I was kinda just flailing and journaling, I'll read this after I hit "submit" I have no idea what I wrote, this was like an out of body experience.
Thanks for everything
I'm exhausted...emotional roller coaster.....
I went up to see "her" on Monday I think, on Tuesday she started bleeding. I don't know what's going on, we don't know what's going on...might be bad...I don't know. She started cramping, was having a tough time, emotionally and physically, might be a miscarriage....we don't know.
So I stayed the whole week, 4 days anyway, cooking dinner, backrubs, trying to be helpful around the house, driving her around, told her I didn't want her to be alone in case of medical emergency, just trying to be supportive you know?....just trying to be a nice guy...asked her, "Do you want me to stay?" She said, yes, very much so.
Was actually a really nice week...today I wake up, she has a Drs. appt, I ask if she wants me to stay to drive her, she says, no it's OK, she's not bleeding/cramping. I say I need to go home, I am beginning to lose focus, I need to get grounded, run some errands, pay some bills etc.
I'm fairly spun, because I don't know the status of the pregnancy, am I gonna be a daddy? Is she having a miscarriage? I keep the focus completely on being helpful though, but let her know how I feel and state I need some "Andrew" time. I let her know, if she gets pale, cool and sweaty, call me (shock) or if the bleeding gets heavy, or anything, call me I'll come flying.
While I was there, she saw me looking at this place (forums) she was asking me about them, so I tell her what it is, and she asks can she read them? I tell her feel free, but realize, if you go digging through my posts, you aint gonna like em, they are from when were apart, and I was pretty angry.
So, of course, a few hours later she calls.
She saw what I wrote about getting a paternity test, sh1te hits the fan, out come the sand bags, snowballs, everything...
you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you
I try to say "stay on target" you are upset about what? how does it make you feel? stay on target please. let's stay on specifics.
sandbag sandbag sandbag sandbag snowball snowball snowball
She saw Givelove's response so HAD to go read ALL my posts, she's not too happy, she feels I minimized the "cheating" episode in the beginning...I did...I cheated...I thought that was clear from when I wrote "I cheated I really did" in the initial post. She felt i left out some of my behavior, I was like, look, it wasn't MY F'ing fourth step, it was YOUR inventory I was writing to see if I wanted to stay with you, I wrote in the last few days before we broke up. If anyone is wondering, yes I left out a few things, I had a horrible email string of jokes with some woman about donkeys and Tijuana and women with moustaches, really vulgar but funny, I was in hysterics...but this is another thing that gets tossed in my grill with astonishing frequency, at least every two weeks for the last year and change, every time she gets mad, these two come out and I get bludgeoned with them along with every other little thing I HAVE EVER DONE.
Anyway, she was absolutely batSH1T pissed that I wrote I felt I needed a paternity test.
I "validate" her feelings, apologize, etc etc not perfectly, we're pretty charged, but I do, she has to mention the apology because we had gotten so far off track, but I apologize.
I also said, "well Honey, you LIE to me, when you LIE to me, I have trouble believing you, You have lied to me repeatedly in the past, this is what I meant when I said, if you lie to me, it will have "impact" on the relationship, this is a consequence of lying to me."
Her position is she only lied about her past (men from her past that she slept with that would call etc.) or her drinking, she never lied about the present, so she would never lie about the paternity of her baby, so I'm COMPLETELY out of line for even suggesting such a thing!!!!!!
I pointed out that I wrote I did believe her, but would want a paternity test for my own peace of mind.
I also pointed out WE WERE BROKEN UP FOR A MONTH!
Anyhow, now it's just a total goatfok again, she's not answering the phone etc.
I'm exhausted...you know? I wasn't the world's best BF when we first started dating, I wasn't even a very good BF, wait....stop...when we started dating I was a mess....I was a terrible boyfriend, I really was, I was unhappy, I was miserable, and we brought out the worst in each other, but for crying out loud..I turned it around a long time ago, and have been continuing to turn it around. I'm just "done" being "punished" for the same thing, over and over and over and over and over and over.
I busted my F'ing hump to step up, do the right thing, take responsibility, be supportive, and ...it's......just......never......enough. I've F'ing busted my hump to be a good Boyfriend, to be "present" to be accountable, to be thoughtful, in short to be a "sober" Boyfrind, a GOOD man.
F * * K
I give up.
I really do.
I don't know what to do anymore....I really try to be "sober" (that word to me means have integrity, honesty, be open minded, be of service etc.) and feel like ....I'm just tired....I'm tired of being slapped down, tired of being sandbagged, tired of being "yelled at"
I do the best I can, and I think it's pretty F'ing good goddammit.
I walked away, and thought there was nothing in the world she could tell me that would bring me back...well, ""I am pregnant" tossed that theory out the window.
You know, sometimes I wonder....this is strictly the alcoholic speaking, but it's like, if you hate us so much, why do you stay with us and try to grind us into mush even after we step up, or even after we leave you, track us down, drag us back into the relationship just to make us miserable some more??????
:wtf2 is it you WANT from us
???????OK...rant over....I've calmed down....just heard some juicy AA gossip (the good kind, not character assassination) that always helps.....
Anyhow, sorry, I was kinda just flailing and journaling, I'll read this after I hit "submit" I have no idea what I wrote, this was like an out of body experience.
Thanks for everything
Last edited by Ago; 10-16-2008 at 10:46 PM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
I think this is one of those moments where the notice at the top of the board says, " Think it over before you invite......may affect your ability to speak freely.... kinda thing... really applies.
Give her some cooling off time-heck you need it too.....Hope all goes well for you....
Give her some cooling off time-heck you need it too.....Hope all goes well for you....
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