Why do I keep losing to the bottle
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 482
Why do I keep losing to the bottle
This stupid little bottle. I'm bigger than it. If I wanted to I could smash it, or empty it. And yet the power it holds over me... I just don't understand why it keeps winning. I feel like a zombie. I go through work with no energy at all. I know that there are things I need to do at home, but I got to the bar instead. I don't understand it. I hate that while I'm driving there my head is saying "why are you doing this? You'll regret it. It's only one day - just don't do it today" and yet I know while I think this that I've already decided to drink.
It is so different this time. It's so much harder this time and I don't know why. I don't know why I can't say no now, when I could've a month ago. I don't understand why it's calling to me when I finish work when it was so quiet for a while there. I have so much more to lose now than I used to.
When I first joined here I looked at the people who had 16 days like they were the most amazing people in the world. The idea of lasting that long - it was like a dream I could never hold. I could never see myself getting into the double figures, could never see myself breaking free of the 3 day hold. It was more inspirational than the year-ers because I could never see that far ahead. For me more than 5 days was a feat I couldn't imagine. And then I went for 12 days without drinking. Then I folded and since then it's been a mess. Once excuse after another. I just don't understand.
I just want it to stop. I just want it to go away. I've never in my life wanted more than to be able to get through the day without hearing the drink calling. I feel like I only lasted the time before because of the adrenaline - the excitment of doing something new. Now that's worn off and it's the same old me, and the same old excuses. I have so much to lose and I don't understand why I risk it.
Sorry for the long post. I really just don't understand why I am doing this. It honestly hurts so much. Why, why, why can't I be the person I was meant to be?
It is so different this time. It's so much harder this time and I don't know why. I don't know why I can't say no now, when I could've a month ago. I don't understand why it's calling to me when I finish work when it was so quiet for a while there. I have so much more to lose now than I used to.
When I first joined here I looked at the people who had 16 days like they were the most amazing people in the world. The idea of lasting that long - it was like a dream I could never hold. I could never see myself getting into the double figures, could never see myself breaking free of the 3 day hold. It was more inspirational than the year-ers because I could never see that far ahead. For me more than 5 days was a feat I couldn't imagine. And then I went for 12 days without drinking. Then I folded and since then it's been a mess. Once excuse after another. I just don't understand.
I just want it to stop. I just want it to go away. I've never in my life wanted more than to be able to get through the day without hearing the drink calling. I feel like I only lasted the time before because of the adrenaline - the excitment of doing something new. Now that's worn off and it's the same old me, and the same old excuses. I have so much to lose and I don't understand why I risk it.
Sorry for the long post. I really just don't understand why I am doing this. It honestly hurts so much. Why, why, why can't I be the person I was meant to be?
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
You CAN be that person you want to be and you WILL be but it will not be easy and the road is long. You will have to be stronger than you ever thought you could be, stronger than you ever thought you'd ever need to be. But if you really truly want that, it can be yours, it's all within your hands and this is a great support group here. I'm only on Day 9 but I'm feeling so good I want to tell people what waits on the other side...
The REAL you.
Good luck.
The REAL you.
Good luck.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
I too felt hopeless, like I'd never be able to put together much sober time. And my self defeating thoughts made it that much harder to stay sober. But I finally finally wanted to stay sober more than I wanted to drink. You can too, but you must work on staying sober with as much energy and thought as you expend to drink.
You are NOT hopeless. You are NOT bound to continue this downward spiral. You HAVE WITHIN YOU what it takes to stay sober. You must believe in yourself, your dreams of staying sober, and it can happen for you.
Don't give up on yourself!!
:ghug3
You are NOT hopeless. You are NOT bound to continue this downward spiral. You HAVE WITHIN YOU what it takes to stay sober. You must believe in yourself, your dreams of staying sober, and it can happen for you.
Don't give up on yourself!!
:ghug3
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
hows bout not lookin so far up the road ?its easier to just take care of today not drinkin today ...your right the first week is hard , no one said soberity was gonna be easy , but it will get better ! Hows bout a program of recovery AA maybe ? it worked for me and many others , but theres other programs out there too its up to you to look into them , But getting sober requires work , you didnt get to this point over nite and wont just fix it in a day . were glad your here posting an trying to find help . keep reading n posting im sure others will come along with even more advise ... your not alone in all this we been there too ... peace n serenity to you Mrs O
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
FD,
Is there anyway you could check into an inpatient alcohol treatment program? Or have you atleast seen a doctor?
It is obvious that you want to get and stay sober. You mentioned that you have a lot to lose.... You can get and stay sober, as hard as it may seem, you can do it.
You have made it 12 days before and that my dear counts for something. Think only about today and how you plan to stay sober.
Please keep posting.
Is there anyway you could check into an inpatient alcohol treatment program? Or have you atleast seen a doctor?
It is obvious that you want to get and stay sober. You mentioned that you have a lot to lose.... You can get and stay sober, as hard as it may seem, you can do it.
You have made it 12 days before and that my dear counts for something. Think only about today and how you plan to stay sober.
Please keep posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi,
I do understand how you feel. You are in the grips of addiction and there is nothing logical about it, nothing. It's controlling you.
But, you can stop today, you can do it. And, remember that stopping drinking is the beginning. That's when the work of recovery begins.
I do understand how you feel. You are in the grips of addiction and there is nothing logical about it, nothing. It's controlling you.
But, you can stop today, you can do it. And, remember that stopping drinking is the beginning. That's when the work of recovery begins.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
