figure

If you read my past threads you will find that I am struggling trying to let go of someone who pretty much just uses me to get what he wants. I have let this guy walk all over me. I don't understand why I do this??? He stole money from me 3 years ago and just did it again last weekend. He swears up and down that he didnt but I know that he did. After I accused him, he blew up and became verbally abusive and left. Now, a week later he is begging me for money to go and get something to pass a drug test with. After listening to all of his manipulations and rationalizations about why and everything, I DID!! How stupid? He grad college and for the past 3 months has been trying to find a job. Why do I give in to him all the time? I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He lies all the time. We have been seeing each other off and on for 4 years. It's so complicated. I know, I know, shame on me for allowing him to use me over and over. There is so much more to tell but you get the idea. I care about him so much but I know that this is unhealthy and needs to stop. Any suggestions on HOW TO LET GO and find peace?? I keep telling myself I can't do this anymore but keep doing. I wish things would end peacefully but everytime something happens one of us gets mad and leaves. I left saturday morning after getting upset that he didnt want to spend the day with me. I haven't tried calling or texting and haven't heard from him either. I am getting tired of all this and don't know how much more I can take. I worry about him all the time and feel that he is heading for a train wreck if he doesn't change his ways. Time and time again, he will say he is changing and has stopped smoking pot and is growing up but then he turns around and keeps doing the same things. He will be 24 years old in January but tells me that he is just a Kid!!! I am older. This is driving me CRAZY!!!!!!

marle

You need to remember that NO is a complete sentence. It takes practice, but the more you do it the easier it will become. Hugs, Marle

bluerskies

Figure --
Don't beat yourself up. My guess would be that you don't put yourself first. I used to be exactly the same way, probably worse. What I did was every time I started fixating on my ex or doing something that felt wrong, I would force myself to pause and ask myself what it was that I needed at that moment. I didn't even have to do anything, I just had to ask the question. Slowly I became stronger and less susceptible to emotional manipulation. And today I am like a completely different person. You just need to relearn how to nurture yourself and put yourself first and when you do, everything else follows.

In the meantime, don't beat yourself up (I'm saying it again). You are learning things right now even if you don't realize it.

As for the hoping for a peaceful ending thing. Don't worry about that. My guess is that you won't get that -- at first, but that if you do end it (because you want to), time will bring the peaceful ending for you -- or should I say a peaceful continuation that is different from your current reality.

Alaia

Figure...I know it's hard to let someone go. He keeps asking you for things because he knows you will help him. I have been in a similar relationship and it was so hard to walk away. But everyday gets a little easier. I can't tell you what to do, but take sometime for yourself and focus on what you want and what you need right now.

Chino

I used to think it was easier to give in than to say no, because it stopped all the whining and arguing. Then I remembered how easy it was to say no when my kids were little. If they kept going they ended up in timeout. When I say no these days, if anyone keeps on, I just get away from them or hang up the phone.

figure

I guess I am scared to say No. I have tried to say no but he just turns things around and blames me for everything like " see this is exactly why we will never make it", and other stuff. I have a bad habit of blocking out the negative.....I forget the bad things too soon. I kept a diary for a little while but stopped.

I have tried to put myself first but it is hard to do sometimes. I have tried so many things.

outtolunch

How many times have you told yourself you are changing your ways and then turn around and do the same thing all over again? When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will walk away and not a moment sooner.

beegee

I so agree with what out to lunch says above. When your sick of it you will walk away.
It seems so easy to sit here and tell someone walk away, but you know he is a trainwrek waiting to happen as you said and your going to be in the middle of it if you don't shut the door.
Maybe going to Naranon meetings will give you strength to do what is good for you. I hope things will get better for you..

Alaia

I am glad for this topic today. I was sick and tired and finally made a decision to put myself first this past week. It's just more of a reminder that I made the right decision.

Figure...good luck and hugs to you.

greeteachday

Figure, there is a young woman whose situation sounds very similar to yours who attends meetings with me. For the first week or two all she could do was cry...She just did not know how to say no and stop doing the same things over and over. But she made a commitment to herself to try 6 weeks of meetings. She's beyond that time now and she wants to stay because Naranon has helped her so much to start thinking about herself and also to say no when she knows it is the best thing...The best thing for her and for her addicted boyfriend too.

I hope you will give meetings a try.

Neverwanted

Figure - Were we dating the same person?

EVERY SINGLE TIME I would try to talk to, explain, reason with or even get rightfully upset/angry, that was his line: SEE? This is why we will NEVER work out/never make it.

No matter what I did or said in the name of all that is rational or reasonable... If I said anything contrary to the support of his addiction-born behavior... our relationship was doomed, cursed and would never work in his eyes. It was as if a hell-fire was lit and his behavior escalated to all-or-nothing/doomed mentality...the blame being placed on me. How dare I waiver in the swaying of his blanketed underpinnings!

It's NOT your fault. You have a right to step outside the insanity of addiction behavior and respond as a NON-addicted, reasonable fair, logical person. One that deserves respect, love and honesty.

I liken the relationship to chasing my tail...I cant ever catch it...and if I were to, would I be waiting for another tail to sprout? Would I continue to chase it and stay sick with him? I sure hope not.

I want to wag my tail. Not chase it. And I want another person with as happy a tail. (OK that came out wrong.) :bounce

Hangin' In

Figure,

You do this because you are codependent.

Best way I learned to set heathy boundaries for me was to start attending meetings. There I was taught about addiction and how it had affected my life. I was taught how I need to take healthy care of me and that includes saying no sometimes. I used to not know how to say no. Today I do.

Maybe you can find a meeting in your area and attend. I never could have gotten to a better place alone and you don't have to either. You can have face to face help as well as help from this board. What a blessing if you'll only reach out for it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

figure

I tried going to meetings before and I had panic attacks and all I could do was cry. I have already tried texting him twice today......UUUGH! He never replied.....hasn't even bothered to see if I made it home after our little argument.

Neverwanted

Awe Figure...I know how you are feeling based on what you wrote. I wish there was a way to help you feel better. I call it a process of wading through the mud. We just have to get through it even when it feels like death. And sometimes it does, you know? HUG

figure

We got into a very bad verbal abuse argument today. he says that he just used me to get whatever he wants and has lots of funny stories to tell his grand kids about me. He says that I am too easy and that he doesn't feel bad for it because I brought it all on myself. He says that if I still see him after knowing he is lying then I have a real problem. He says that he hates me??? He says that He doesnt care about me at all and doesn't care what I think about him. He says he's not scared of me and that I am annoying. He says he was just bored and I was something to do. I am numb......there is more but that's all I can remember. He never would let me talk saying that he didn't care what I had to say. He says that I am not good enough for him and that he hates the way I wear my makeup, doesnt like my face. I dont know whether he means all this or was just mad because I called him a loser and said that I had talked to some of his friends and they said he was a loser to?? I dont know what to do anymore, I don't know what to believe anymore. He says that he has lied to me about everything siince the day we met??? How can someone be so cold and mean like this? I p;oured my heart out and gave him everything he wanted. I feel sick....I must be sick to have put up with all this off and on for the past 4 years. How did this happen to me and why???? I am physically and mentally drained by all this. I have been having bad dreams since I left saturday. I am an embarassed fool that fell for a parasite, a lost soul. Why Me?

Neverwanted

Oh Figure. Gosh. I feel the same in some ways

You did fall for a parasite. He is a sick parasite that is sucking the life and esteem out of your soul and you do NOT DESERVE THIS!

Why you? Because like me, we said YES and every time we allowed the behavior to invade us and continued to accept him back, he realized the boundaries well adjusted people have mean nothing to us so long as they once in a while toss us some gooey words of passion and love.

Who cares why he said what he said...how many times does sorry make up for it? I hear a lot of people say the actions speak more than words. Why doesnt he put his trap to rest and start showing he loves you.

You dont believe in yourself anymore. To hell with him. If you dont have YOU whom do you have?

My ex AB told me I am annoying. Oh because I CARE? Yeah ok. Trying to cheer him up on one of his endless tirades because he couldnt get his fix and he was late on his mortgage and bills....he called me annoying after I had scraped his loser butt off his pavement and tried to help him attend NA and private therapy and encouragement. Ill bet you are annoying by caring TOO.

He has called me the most filthy vile names I cannot and will not repeat and saying he is sorry for screaming he hates me wont make up or restore my self esteem anymore.

Watch...he will corner you like a rabid dog and push and push until you defend yourself and he will call you abusive. JUST WATCH.

He is unhappy and is trying to take you down with him. I was told this would happen to me if I was not careful. I believed in him and had faith and hope until I was proven wrong. When we were engaged he cheated on me and moved her in with him. She ended her life in his house when he told her he wasnt over me.

I cleaned up his home and yard and threw out and handled things for him after she died because he said he was SOOOOOOOOOOO sorry and loved me and needed me.

I moved him in and he screamed at me saying he didnt love anyone or feel anything for anyone. He threw things I made for him (artwork) and damaged my home. He accused me of things I would not and did not do. He was horrid to me because when he was addicted he was one person, he wanted off and would become honest and want to get well. But once detox wd came on, he hated me and everything I was. All the wanting to get better made me the enemy once he was out of his drugs.

Look honey. You are worth loving. With or without makeup. Turn off your cell. Get the hell away from him and save yourself before you become part of his self made hell.

I know you hurt. I know you want him to love you and show it. But he isnt and he wont.

PLEASE save whats left of you before you lose yourself to the pain. PLEASE!!!!

Chino

Have you read http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html ?

Forget he's an addict right now, your entire post screamed sociopath. Why you? Because you are there.

A therapist told me that when contempt permeates a relationship, there's almost no going back. This man is behaving like a sociopath and is contemptuous of you.

Let me ask this, given the current events:

Why him?

Neverwanted

I have a question - when a person is using, it was my understanding they can behave as though they are a sociopath. From what I gather, addiction is a selfish illness or at least self centered,focusing on the internal ego. The need to bolster, medicate and placate it.

The question I have is - which came first - or AT ALL? Since addiction has been described in terms that reflect soiciopathic behavior, is it the drug and the addiction that causes irrationality and sociopathic/narcissistic behavior? I noticed with my ex fiance addict, he is completely irrational and extremely childish to the point his behavior is that of a three yr old...at times, literally covering his ears so he wouldn't have to hear what I was saying...and not in a joking way. I mean SERIOUSLY!

OR

Is the sociopath already in place and the drugs medicate the discomfort society reacts to them with? I would think the drugs cause sociopathic behavior rather than the other way around because a true sociopath does not care about the feelings of others in relation to how he treats them. The only time they care is when their narcissistic needs are being taken away or faced with a loss of ego boosting givers.


Additionally I would like to know if others who have SO's that are addicts display bizarre rationale even when not using. A recovered friend of mine, now an NA counselor, told me that when they use for a long time, once clean, they pick up where they left off insofar as their development is concerned. Ie: coping skills etc at the time they began using. Does that ring true?

Chino

If a person is a sociopath before addiction it only amplifies their behavior. You'd have to know someone a long time or know their history to figure out if they're a sociopath. I have a friend whose brother is a diagnosed sociopath from childhood and is now an addict. On the flip side, active addiction can mimic sociopathy but doesn't mean they are one.
Yes that's true. It's the thing that gives me tons of hope for substance abusers who have had at least one go with rehab. They've had sober time and learned some coping skills in the process.

winnie12

Addiction: habitual repetition of excessive behavior that a person is unable or unwilling to stop, despite its harmful consequences.

He is addicted to drugs and you are addicted to him. Despite the harmful consequences of how he treats you, you will not walk away in fact you pursue him. When you finally realize that he is of no benefit to your life, that your life is worse with him, that you are worth more than this, and when you finally decide that loving yourself means more than gaining this sick man's approval then you will break free. What will it take for you to get to that point? What are you willing to sacrifice, your dignity, your self worth, your financial security, broken bones, your own death? You cannot control how another behaves only yourself so maybe you need to take ownership of your own life - stop blaming him for making you feel bad and realize your allowing this and only YOU can stop this - he is incapable of stopping and he is unable to love anyone right now no matter how wonderful they are. You know the answer and you know what to do - be very quiet and listen to your own inner voice - your own survival instinct and you will have the answer. What you do with the answer that you know in your heart will determine your future.