blue-eyed soul

i just had a flash of anger this morning thinking about all the steps i have taken in the past week or so -- going to my first al-anon meeting, making an appointment with a counselor, etc. -- and was struck by this thought:

why in the heck do i need help?

i'm not trying to be in denial here. but i've read the literature; i'm not an enabler. i don't buy him beer, don't lie for him or cover up, don't hide his alcohol, count the number of cans or pour it out. i don't wait dinner, call him to find out where he is, and i quit waiting up for him to come home a long time ago. i'm not a martyr; i only turn to my friends and family when things have reached a crisis stage, just like i would for any difficult situation in which i find myself.

i'm reasonably certain i'm not a codependent (i'm not sure how i feel about that whole movement anyway) -- i read the "patterns of co-dependency," and the only thing i've done on that list is stayed in a "harmful situation" too long and sometimes tempered my feelings or actions when AH is drinking.

why do i need help?

i'm not the one who falls out of a vehicle and gashes my head and almost breaks my ribs. i'm not the one who makes an ass of myself at family gatherings or has lost all of my non-drinking friends. i don't walk into walls, curse the neighbor, let the dog out and forget about him.

it's lovely to talk to other people here or at al-anon who know what i'm going through. but i'm a reasonable, rational, logical person who knows that i am in a difficult situation and that i might be better if i were out of it.

why in the heck do i need help?

thanks for letting me vent ...

LucyA

I used to have thoughts like that too, then I wondered why, if I don't need help was I wasting my time looking for it on the 'net? My A was in my head way more than I realised, I'm not saying it's the same for you at all. (my A is my brother so I'm sure it's very different) but something led me to look for help in my situation and I'm so glad it did, because I realised so much about myself needed to change.

greeteachday

I like Lucy's point...if I didn't need help, why was I looking for answers? My A was stuck in my head too and I was obsessing about the what ifs and hows and worrying like crazy and that did really make me sick. It wasn't until I started working on me that I realized just how stressed I was. For me, I found that working my own program of recovery applies to every aspect of my life. It has helped me stop trying to change or control others (a big "aha" moment was realizing I did in fact try to control and judge) and to keep my side of the street clean. I have found whether i thought I needed help or not, that this program of recovery was far from a punishment; it was learning a new and peaceful way of life.

Summer2008

I wondered the same thing. I remember going to Al Anon and with tears streaming down my eyes asking, "Why am I the one looking for help when he's the one with the drinking problem" I knew that it was "killing" me from the inside out. This is what made me see I was the one that needs help. Call it SELF PRESERVATION

What I realize is his drinking was/is controlling my life. He is still constantly in my thoughts and while I am trying to learn to change this it's still a struggle. I know I put him first (and it feels selfish to think that I need to put myself first). I was the one spending hours/days/weeks/months/years hoping he would change..if only..if only someone understood him the way I thought I did, if only he would learn different ways to handle stress...so many more IF ONLY'S.

I've enabled him by going to the bar with him, I was the one that drove us home, I cleaned up after him when he puked his guts out. Most of what I have done with the exception of the two above, I don't see as enabling so much as things one would do for someone they love.

If nothing else this forum is a useful place to come to have others that relate to what you feel and have walked similar paths before us. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

GiveLove

Yes, it's something that probably 90% of us here have said: He/she is the one with the screwed-up life; why do I have get help?

For me, it was because the alcoholics (there were more than one) have patterns of behavior that trigger harmful feelings in me. Anger, guilt, disgust, sadness, grief, depression. Al-Anon, counseling, and this place help me to process these things before they can get into my body and do any real damage. They helped me to know I'm not alone in this, and they gave me solid, creative ways to deal with the situation.

Perhaps you don't mind living the way you are. Or perhaps you are willing to say, "Still drinking? Suit yourself, I'm leaving." and pack it up and start a new life without a backward glance. Most of us don't fit into either of those categories, and so we add things like SR and AL-Anon and counseling and such to our toolkit to strengthen ourselves to do what needs to be done to work through our situations with an alcoholic - stay, go, set boundaries, stay sane, whatever. Friends and family are great, but people who've been there can help in a way that they can't.

That's what I got out of it anyway. And like greeteachday (heck, probably BECAUSE of greeteachday ) it's made me a very strong and wise person in the process.

But sure, I understand perfectly. I thought the same things you are at first.

GrowingPains

I've been through something similar. I tried several al-anon meetings but didn't get anything out of them. I'm happy for those who've had success with them, but mine didn't feel like a worthwhile use of my time. I guess I found some 'duds.' I also tried one-on-one counseling and then couples counseling, but didn't have significant results with either. I now realize couples counseling is pointless when substance abuse is involved.

I gave up on 'his' problem and put my efforts into improving as much of my own circumstances as I could. I figured I might as well make the rest of my life the best one it could possibly be even if I couldn't do the same with my marriage. This was a few years ago -- I'm now self-employed and pay my way doing things I love. I also learned to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy friendships and surround myself with excellent people. I then found this place and was confronted repeatedly by the reality of my marriage. There were far too many similar stories to my own to believe my situation was 'unique.' All of this combined to make me a happier, healthier, stronger individual who could no longer justify being partnered with someone who refused to pull his weight in the relationship.

I didn't really know how unhealthy I was until I became healthy. I think the counseling / al-anon are worth a go, as you may have better luck than I did, but there are other ways to heal. Do what works for you.

blue-eyed soul

i do know what you mean, and my heart fills with gratitude for what i have learned/am learning here and for everyone's support.

i'm certain my counselor and i can explore why i am with AH in the first place or why i am still with him, and i know that this site and al-anon can help me figure out ways to deal with him when he is being ugly to me -- i liked what was said about adding things to my "toolkit," and i will certainly do that!

i just got so darned mad this morning thinking about all of this and wondering what the heck i was doing, and why i was spending all of this time and energy and effort, know what i mean?

blue-eyed soul

maybe that's my problem, then -- i have accepted this effed-up marriage as "normal" for so long that i don't see it for what it really is. i think there is still love here, but as long as he is a practicing alcoholic, his own self-interests are the only ones that matter to him in the marriage.

i sound so grouchy today! i am usually a pleasant and easy-going person, i promise!

denny57

Yes, I do. As someone mentioned above, I didn't realize just how much help I did need until I was down the road of recovery a bit.

p.s. I'm not a huge fan of the co-dependency "movement" either LOL. I do think it's a great term for living/interracting with someone who is dependent.

GiveLove

Absolutely. I remember a similar day. I was so angry.

They had recently cut down a tree in our yard, and to take out my anger I went outside and started splitting wood. I split a whole winter's worth of wood, by hand, that day

"Release therapy" - another thing in my toolkit LOL

blessed4x

I know EXACTLY what you mean. It was like him and his drinking were in my brain ALL the time. That's when I figured out it was time to do something about me and MY problem!

Congrats to you for the steps you've taken and thanks for venting.

lizw

I can relate to what's been said on here and I at one stage was angry to be the one 'doing everything.' Especially when I thought he was doing 'nothing'.

This was pre Al Anon of course but in the last year or so, since I became single I have really been trying to work on me because I will be with me for the rest of my life, regardless of who else is in it, so I decided I want to be as comfortable with me, as I can be.

And it feels really good to be doing it for me, rather than to save some relationship I am in which has been my usual course of action.

LaTeeDa

I, too, felt that same anger and frustration in the beginning. At some point though, I realized that I was miserable, my life was not going in the direction I wanted it to, and I was depending on someone else to do something in order for me to be happy. That is the point that real recovery began for me.

I now know that I am responsible for the state of my life. I took my power back and it's the best thing I ever did.

L

blue-eyed soul

i'm glad to know my bout of anger wasn't unique to me! thanks again for your insights! i do plan to continue here with sr, with al-anon, and to try my first counseling session on tuesday. we'll see what happens ...

sailorgirl2nv

Today is my first day on this site. I went to counseling during my lunch and she recommened coming. I was driving there today wondering why I was going and it was costing me money when he had the problem. Seems like more sessions are needed because I kept thinking he should be going, not me.

Thanks for your honesty in your post!

blue-eyed soul

aw, thanks, sweetie. i apparently needed to let that out! i hope your counseling goes well -- i go to my first appointment tomorrow. things have calmed down here a little bit, and i don't feel like it as much, but i know i need to go. good luck to you!