painthorse60

I've posted here before and many of you have responded with advice. I need help again!
Short version - RAH and I are having a very hard time with our marriage. He's been sober 4 years, but not working a program - just attending lots and lots of meetings. We had a very bad week where he almost moved out. We sat down and discussed things and decided to try counseling and for both of us to really TRY and save our marriage of 28 years. Things have been OK since Tuesday nite when this conversation took place.
This morning he tells me that he's going to a bonfire tonite at the home of his "female AA friend" - and I'm not invited. She had been calling him and one time left a message that ended with "I love you". I flipped out and told hin to tell that @#$ not to call him anymore.( probably wrong, I know) He tells me now that I'm not invited because she's afraid of me. Apparently he told her I'm crazy,nuts, whatever. I have NEVER said or done anything to her - EVER.
To make it even more interesting, apparently she has a rental house that she is going to let him have next month so he will be living next door. She is married so who only knows what her husband has been told. Apparently he's been running his mouth to everybody who will listen about me and our marriage. According to him, "everyone" thinks he should move out and get a divorce. I feel very betrayed.
My question is - how do I deal with him going to this bonfire tonite? I will seriously go nuts sitting here. Obviulsy he's going to go - that's his right, but I think it's very disrespectful for someone who is married to go someplace where their spouse is not welcome. I know he wants me to flip out and start a fight so he feels justified and I'm not sure I can keep myself from doing it. I just have so much anger - we're supposed to be working on saving our marriage - not doing things like this.
I would welcome any advice you guys could give me - I surely need it.

Pajarito

I personally went through some things very much like this 10 years ago with STBXAH. My gut kept telling me the relationship he had with a woman he went to school with was inappropriate, but whenever I approached him about it- no matter HOW I did it, he always made me out to be over reacting, imagining things, crazy, etc. If there is one thing I have learned over the past year since he moved out, it's to trust my gut. I knew his relationship with her was not ok- and even more important than that, I felt bad about it. At the very least I believe it should have been a given that he would have respected my feelings. . . He did not. Talking about our marriage with another woman would have been a huge red flag to me as well.

In my situation I did find out that he was having an emotional affair- at the very least- with this woman. He finally did have to admit I had been right, but that was too little too late. My point is- I wish I had really trusted my gut. I wish I had demanded respect- I wish I had reacted differently when I found out my suspicions had been true.

IMHO, going to a bonfire at another woman's house is not working on your marriage. In the healthy marriages I know of now, the couples do have other friends, but they are open about them and respectful. If there is an event going on, the couple is invited. Yes, it is his right to do what he wants, but if he does choose to go- what are you going to do?

felicidade

I agree with pajarito - without reservations.

Your instincts are your best guides - don't ignore them, just as you wouldn't ignore your gut reactions to avoid a strange person nearing you on the street, or getting out of the pool when there's lightning.

You feel betrayed and angry, because you HAVE been disrespected. This is not AA - this is a man who uses the program to justify behavior that is questionable -JMHO.

Don't stay home and go nuts. Do something that make you feel peaceful. Be with people who know you and care about you.

As for "everyone" who thinks that you should separate and divorce... in my experience with my very STBXRA, everyone was just his weak way of saying "I." But, I ignored it - didn't want to hear it.

I can only suggest that you step very, very far away from a situation that you already know will hurt you. Don't torture yourself. Don't volunteer to get hurt. Volunteer to be loved by you.

prodigal

What I'm picking up from the parts of your post that stood out for me, is your AH is sober without having sobriety. I don't know if he's still behaving exactly as he did when he was drinking.

When he drank, did he make it a habit to discuss issues of a personal nature - such as his marriage relationship - with other people? Did these discussions just begin when he started "sharing" them in A.A. meetings with other A's?

What appears to be apparent to you may not be to him. Other than this female friend, do you have concrete evidence (other than him telling you) that he is blabbing about you to anyone who will listen? Just who specifically are these "eveyone's" who are counseling him to divorce you?