An amazing breakthrough: Getting out of the way
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
An amazing breakthrough: Getting out of the way
Well, I have been attending Al Anon, reading the literature, and beginning to move towards a more integral recovery.
I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...
As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up.
Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.
I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.
This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.
He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.
This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.
After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.
Silverberry.
I just wanted to share a quick experience of getting out the way...
As a rescuer/enabler, I have always been there to save my AH from unpleasantness...even now after he has moved out, I have listened to his problems, and still offering my all powerful (yeah right) advice and sympathy. Of course, this does nothing but drain me physically and emotionally. I was literally quacking up.
Now with some program tools under my belt...last night and today an incident happened that made me think more about this program and its benefits.
I went to school all day yesterday and didn't get home until 11:30pm. On the answering machine, the AH called...obviously toasted...and sounding really desperate: "I NEED someone to talk to! Please help me! Call me right away...I wish you were there!" Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately called, panicing...powercalling until I got him. But I did the first thing I learned in Al Anon: STOP....THINK...so I did. I sat down and thought about what to do. I said the SERENITY PRAYER. After I read some program material, reflected, prayed, and released him to God. If I called back at that hour, he would be passed out or it would have ended up an emotional exhaustion for me. I could only do the most sane, productive thing to do: STOP, THINK, LET GOD AND LET GOD...rinse, repeat.
This morning about 11am. He called me at work. My AH hit his bottom last night. Sold the last piece of jewerly that he has for some food. It hit him hard. Said he seriously thought about taking his own life, and no one was there to talk to him. He was utterly alone, penniless, and empty. I never asked if he drank or offer to get the necklace out of hock. I just LISTENED, another Al Anon tool.
He said he wanted to call me to tell me that he just left his first AA meeting. He got his chip. Since he had never been to an AA meeting before, I knew he wasn't quacking because he told me thing about the meetings that only one would know if you go (like format and such). I told him I was really glad to hear it. He deserved soberity. He said he knew that we weren't getting back together, but he is at the bottom and it was time to go up. He wanted to share the experience with me.
This doesn't change anything between us. The damage is done, but I am peaceful knowing that absolutely nothing I did made him hit bottom or rescued him. What he chooses to do with it is his decision. Will he continue on with it? I don't know. Will he go back and drink himself to death? I don't know. Will AA help? Only God and he know this. What I can say, is I GOT OUT OF THE WAY...I didn't do this in a way to manipulate, control, coerce, but got out of the way for my very life and for his too.
After we hung up, I again released him to God. My husband's name is Donald, have I ever told you that? Donald is an alcoholic, and for such a long time I never saw him as the person he was, but as a disease, an addict, a helpless child, an AH. Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I saw Donald today as he is...a man who is making is own decision, a capable man, a person who I can separate from the disease that has inflicted him and our family. And my sincerest hope is that his decision takes him towards his recovery....because truly, recovery is such a gift.
Silverberry.
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Thanks everyone!
It is a new way to exercise the heart muscle. At first, the most exhausting thing is to do nothing. Then you realize it gets easier. Thanks for all the encouragement
It is a new way to exercise the heart muscle. At first, the most exhausting thing is to do nothing. Then you realize it gets easier. Thanks for all the encouragement
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