Alaia

So tonight at about 8pm I get an unavailable call. I didn't answer cause I know it's my ex-abf trying to talk to me. I check my voicemail and it was him, telling me he was in town cause he was released from detox today. He said he at the train station and was going to start walking towards the house. He made an appontiment for methadone on tuesday and wanted to talk. Now...he has nowhere to go seeing I kicked him out and he is not allowed at his parents. I listened to the message again. Then got up, and called the police. He has a warrant out in my town for not going to court last week. He stole and forged checks and I pressed charges. Anyways, I call the police...even though I really didn't want to have him arrested...I couldn't face seeing him on my doorstep again, begging me for help and another chance. I don't want him here. I gave him his chance last time and it didn't do any good. He still relapsed and stole from me again. First time, shame in him, second time, shame on me. I just knew if he came here he would end up convincing me to let him stay...even if it was for the night. So I told the police what was going on, that I didn't have a restraining order but he did have an active warrant and then we had to play the waiting game. They instructed me to not let him in and call if I heard him knock. They placed a cruiser near my home and we waited. I got a call from the dispatcher at 8:45pm to see if I had heard from him yet. I hadn't. So here I am...stressing out cause he's most likely going to be arrested on my doorstep and hate me forever...but I know deep inside I am doing the right thing for me. 9:15pm the phone rings, it's the police. They have arrested him. I am so glad it didn't happen on my deck. He must have been really close to the house cause I have made it in 1/2 hour by foot to the train. I really hope this is the right decision and that the courts will help him get into a program. I just couldn't have him here again and go through this whole roller coaster ride in a month or 2. I feel horrible for being the one to have him arrested...but I had to put myself first for a change. Did I make the right choice or am a a horrible person?:wtf2

marle

Wow, I think that you are a really strong person. You did what you needed to do to take care of yourself. That took courage. Don't feel bad about him being in jail. It is a lot better than being on the streets or banging on your door and begging. If you had let him in he might have stolen from you again. You set a firm boundary and you kept it. Instead of second guessing yourself, give yourself a huge pat on the back. Hugs, Marle

BBD

I agree Alaia, You did a good job of protecting yourself and sticking to boundries. Now pat yourself on the back and enjoy the evening. Smiles, Bonnie

Chino

"To thine own self be true."

You have my admiration!

lovesmenot74

Alaia, this could have almost been me ... I sooo get how hard that decision must have been for you ... it broke my heart to read your story because it reminded me so much of my situation.

I tried and tried with my ex ... I love him so much ... but he continued to lie to me, steal from me, take off for days, breach his conditions of release, and I was his "surety" to get him out of jail ... if he was arrested breaching his conditions, I would have had to fork over $300 that I didn't have ... I had no other choice ... but I knew if I took myself off as his surety, he would hate me forever ... but like you, it was time for me to protect myself ... I had sacrificed so much for him and given him chance after chance and he just kept walking all over me and disrespecting the sacrifices I was making for him ... I warned him that if he continued to behave this way I'd have no choice ... and then he took off to party with his friends and lied to me about his rent money and left me at home with no money for groceries, no rent money, while he gave his friend money for food, bought himself a couple of cases of beer, a couple of cartons of cigarettes, and who knows what else ... it was the last straw and still I cried my eyes out and HATED doing it because I knew that he'd go to jail and he'd blame me.

I still struggle with the immense guilt even though I know I had to do it in order to protect myself.

I just wanted to share and to let you know that I understand what a difficult decision it was for you ... it sucks that we feel bad for taking care of ourselves, doesn't it?

jerect

Good for you for sticking to your boundaries.. it shows that you are putting yourself and your safety first and that is always a good thing.

Don't feel guilty, having him arrested was probably one of the best things that you could have done for him. He has to now start facing consequences for his actions...

Alaia

I know I did the right thing...but it doesn't make me feel better. I called his Mom to let her know. She and I have talked and I told her Friday if he tried to come to my house I was going to call the police, and she agreed with me that it was the right thing to do. She wanted me to let her know if that happened so I called her this morning to let her know. I also texted his ex because they have a child together and I thought she had a right to know as well. She also understood my decision. I am sure they aren't happy but they understand why I did what I did. His ex called the court and they said he doesn't have bail and might not even get bail depending on the judge. I hope that he gets the help he needs now. Maybe he will wake up and realize how he ended up in jail. I just know if he came to the house I would have given in. I can't handle seeing him crying and having nowhere to go...and he knows how to put on a good show.

I am glad for SR at times like these. Thank you to everyone. I don't know what I would have done without being able to come here and read and post.

Impurrfect

((Alaia))

I had posted earlier, but guess it got lost in cyberspace.

I know it still hurts, even when we do the right thing. The first time I had to tell my XABF I wouldn't bail him out, he got his MOM on the phone (who I dearly loved - she died last year) and got me through 3-way. What he didn't expect was she backed ME up

Sometimes we just have to accept that doing the right thing doesn't always feel good. The more we do it, though, the easier it gets.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Limiya

I am so impressed and in awe of your strengh. You totally did the right thing, as i know if it was me i wouldn't have the strengh to turn him away at the door either.

(((Alaia)))

~Limiya~

Alaia

so he just called me @ work. They let him go. He had no idea I called the police at first. I told him I was done...I can't do this anymore. He asked if I would come pick him up so he could get his clothes @ the police station. I felt bad, so I went to the courthouse and brought him to the station. We didn't speak a word to each other...which was fine with me. Then we got to the train station and he asked for some quarters for the phone and proceeded to tell me he OD'd on monday, was dead for 12 minutes and then came to. I thanked him for telling me...saying after all you put me through thats really nice of you to tell me. Then I get back to work and he calls me and tells me the train leaves @ 2:48pm and that this was the last time I would hear from him, that he was homeless and then it hung up. He called back said he ran out of $ and it hung up again so I just turned my phone off. I gotta let it go. I shouldn't have helped him get his stuff but now I know he will be out of my hands in in hte hands of his HP or himself.

littlebird77

i'm sorry, (((lifts out hand to help you back up)))

hello-kitty

Yay for you! You did the right thing. I know it's hard but I think what you did was commendable and smart.

Alaia

I am so scared now though. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him...but I am. He said that was the last time I would hear from him...and that should be good for me...but I am freaking out. What if he goes to Boston and OD's again? I know I shouldn't be thinking of him cause that's exactly what he wants me to do. I have no way to get ahold of him and know if he's ok. aghhh

Jody Hepler

I am so proud of you - loving him enough to let him go - to find his way - to let his HP work a plan - to say I've had enough.

But I know it is scary - we had my 18 year old son leave the house after he relapsed and wouldn't go to detox - literally put him on the street and shut the door. (With the neighbors watching - but they'd been watching our family for years!)

He is now sober again - and asked me why I put up with his nonsense for all those years. Because his behavior got awful and unacceptable way before he picked up a drug.

I hope you are getting to some F2F meetings - and have some phone numbers of folks you can call. Something about a hug in person, an encouraging word that really helps.

I was as addicted to the addict as they were to their drugs - I needed "detox" that I found in the rooms of 12 step meetings. And then I needed to find a new way to react - just like you did. But I wanted to slip back into those old comfortable rusty ruts, and bail them out one more time.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

outtolunch

Good job. You set your boundaries and stuck to them. Hats off to you. Woo-Hoo.

Impurrfect

(((Alaia))

I understand how hard it is when they leave, saying "you'll never hear from me again". Most of the time, we do hear from them.

The thing about him OD'ing...if he keeps using, he's choosing to risk an OD every time he uses. It's an awful risk of addiction, but there's nothing you can do to stop it. He has to make a choice...live the way he's living or try recovery.

I know it hurts, and it's hard. I keep thinking my XABF is going to get killed some day, the way he rips off people. But I know, in my heart, I did everything I could and I can't do any more but pray for him.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

imallright

You chose to be strong and be safe. Yours is the ultimate example of detachment with compassion. You set your boundaries, held them. Stayed safe and did what you felt was right without getting "sucked in". Good for you. You can't save him. He has to take care and stop. No matter what you do he is going to what he wants to do. His choice. Stay safe and strong. You are soooo worth it. Be proud of your decision to help yourself. Hugs!

AquaBlue

I can only echo what's already been said here- you are awesome! Doing the right thing is not always easy and you did it!

I'm sorry for the anquish you're now going through after your last conversation with him! Hang in there hon and try to distract yourself from thinking about him- whatever that takes. Don't let him rent space in your head any longer. You did the right thing, so stick with that and keep moving forward, don't go backwards...

Hugs & Prayers for you! :praying

hope213

rest assured you did the right thing. usually the right thing is the hardest to do. prayers for you both,

Alaia

He called his ex and she let me know he is staying at a homeless shelter in Boston and that he went to a few meetings. He still hasn't called me. I was ok with it yesterday during the day. I was glad to find out he had shelter and was trying to take care of himself. Last night was hard though. I miss him a lot.