I'm so depressed

Old 10-08-2008, 01:19 PM
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I'm so depressed

The last time I saw my son Chris he was happy, I hoped healthy~~and looked great. I haven't talked to him in a few weeks and was starting to get depressed about that but wasn't going to call and check up on him. My hubby has seen him twice since then and Chris knew he would report back to me. This morning he called (while at lunch)) and dumped a bunch of stuff on me. As course~~he was just sharing whats going on in his life. He has had a cold~~missed 3 days of work last week~~~isn't seeing the girl he was seeing (says shes too possessive)))~~and may be moving soon. His landlord up's his rent $100.00....thats sounds nutty to me. So, now I'm wondering whats up in Ellicottville (where he lives))...!!! Maybe I'm taking this detaching too far. What do you all think?? I have this weird feeling in my stomach and if I don't find out whats up~~~I will be nervous for days. Just letting loose here and probably making no sense.... So, you addicts that have been there..Talk to me. Whats a mom to do?? Hugs, Bonnie
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Old 10-08-2008, 01:30 PM
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Maybe I'm taking this detaching too far.
Hi bbd. What do you mean taking detaching too far. It sounds like you are doing the right thing to me. Even if you found out what was REALLY going on up in Ellicottville, you wouldn't be able to change it or stop it or control it.

Maybe just accept it for what it is and let it go - A phone call from your son dumping a bunch of stuff on you that you have no control of. Sometimes we just need that from our moms. We don't expect them to fix it for us. We just need someone to listen.

Just don't give him any money. Love him from afar. Youre doing fine.
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Old 10-08-2008, 01:40 PM
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****{Bonnie}}}
I , for years , would come away from seeing my AD and feel my gut had been torn out and woould wind up feeling so depressed...she had a habit of coming and *dumping*, and not realizing how it was affecting me...and I had the habit of allowing myself to be pulled in to the drama of her life , poised to fix whatever I could..
well, a few years later she has learned how not to come and regurgitate her woes without any consideration. And I have learned to detach emotionally from her when she is sitting across from me, telling me her story...without out the need for me to fix it
I had to teach her about dumping, and also me not needing the gory details of her life, and her not thinking that because I was her Mom, I was fair game for her to come and complain just because she could...
Of course all of this came about as I learned to detach all the way across the board...self-preservation for moms...
hang in there, and know you are not obligated to sit and listen while he dumps without any boundaries in place for you.. Grateful
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Old 10-08-2008, 01:48 PM
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Now, come on, HE'S A BIG BOY NOW.

Don't retie the apron strings. You know better. Kitty is right. He is not expecting you to 'fix' anything. Just dumping on the folks or folk in this particular instance, lol

Go on about your business. And you know what else,he does NOT need a 'clingy', 'possessive' girlfriend right now.

Now it's time to go back to taking care of you.

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-08-2008, 02:03 PM
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Hi Bonnie, I agree with the post above. Many times they tell us things just to let off steam & right away WE think we have to solve their problems. I know when I am upset I still call my mom. Many times I don't want anything just someone who cares to listen. You know we ( my mom & I )went out again & bought Joey clothes. He needed them for work. Today I told him if you screw up again and all the clothes we just bought you are lost, next time, you are going to the Salvation Army or The GoodWill. He has been in & out of jail the last 8 yrs & everytime he messes up he goes back to jail, and everything we bought him gets lost.
This is all a big learning experience. I think we are all making progress. Progress not perfection!
Love,
Diane
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Old 10-08-2008, 02:31 PM
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My daughter is moving out on her own soon, perhaps tomorrow. She was pulling the pity party on me today about how will she be able to pay bills and rent, etc. I just listened and was able to let it go. Do I think she is making a wise choice. No I don't, but it is not my life. I really want my life back 100% and I have found the only truly proven way to do that is to detach. You are doing okay. Don't get pulled back in. Thank your lucky stars that he is not asking. Sounds like he is trying to figure things out for himself. And you know with the economy the way it is, his landlord may have raised the rent. There is assistance out there if he is having trouble and I don't mean mom assistance Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-08-2008, 04:08 PM
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((BBD))

I'm like Kitty. I "dump" on my dad when I'm frustrated (and he "dumps" on me). This has always been our situation, and neither of us expects the other to "fix" things.

Look at it this way. You've wanted to hear from him, and you did. He's talking to you about NORMAL life stuff!!! Rents go up, relationships break up....this is life. He's not calling you, asking you for money..he's trying to do things on his own.

I don't think you're detaching too much, I think you may be second-guessing everything he says, thinking there's more to the story, and I understand that, but it's doing no good except getting you upset.

Go back to focusing on you, instead of playing the conversation over and over in your head and wondering if you missed something.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-08-2008, 04:17 PM
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((BBD))
You're doing such a good job. Now, you have to stay detached and let him sprout his wings. He NEEDS to learn by experience and by consequences, just like we all do.

Hand him over to his H.P. and don't read alot into everything he says.
(It seems to me they tend to exaggerate a tad...)
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Old 10-08-2008, 04:50 PM
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You women are wonderful~~ Kitty~~~I promise no money will go his way. His b'day is coming up and he told me to take the money and for Dad and I to do something....Right!! I can detach but emotionally detaching is so hard for me. I have my boundaries and have told Chris that I will not pay for things anymore when I know he's making good money. I love buying things for my kids, my grandkids and my friends...thats just me! Chris and I have always been so close until this addiction deal came into play. I did call him back after he was done with work and he told me one of the fellas he works with has just gone through a divorce and has the house that has an apartment attached to it. Chris may be moving there this coming week-end. I'm having surgery on my wrist (last year a plate and 6 screws were put in)) Oct 31st~~and his b'day is Nov 2nd.. So we will be going to see him before the surgery. We are thinking about getting him a seasons pass to ski in Ellicottville...What do you guys think?? Do you think thats nuts cause if drugs are still in the picture he could sell the pass for money?? GOD~~~I HATE THIS!! I wanna be a normal family with laughs and giggles.. the tears are coming here so I better stop ranting...Thanks all~~I love you guys, Bonnie
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:00 PM
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****{Bonnie}}}
I am really feeling you right now...I often agonized about wanting our relationship and our family to be normal...but that ship had sailed...but it was heart-wrenching just the same....It took a long time to make peace with how our lives had changed....as I look back, it was a painful time....and a part of the mourning process we all go through as we learn to accept what is....
the time will come for you when this will all be much easier, I promise...and the time will come, I think , when your family will heal and there will be giggles again .. Grateful
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:03 PM
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Bonnie, Just as my daughter has to deal with the fact that she can never be a "normal" young adult, I have to deal with the fact that I can never be a "normal" mother. If you feel okay about getting him the ski pass then do it. As long as you realize that a gift is a gift with no strings attached I think you will be fine about giving it. Hugs, Marle

P.S. My daughter is moving out tomorrow. She and "normal" boyfriend got an apartment today. I will most likely get her an iron and ironing board for a move-in gift. (Don't think that she can trade that for drugs, but you never know)
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:21 PM
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Too funny Marle~~I can't tell you how many times I have equipted apartments with things....I'm so tired!! and I know I can just feel when things are a little screwy..I'm so hoping I'm wrong on this. I hate taking Chris's mom away if I'm wrong..but if I'm right I will find out soon and then all H^&& is gonna break loose here cause I can't do this again.. I need a vacation~ LOL hugs, Bonnie
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:51 PM
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This thread just reduced me to tears. I mean absolute crying without control.
I want to explain why. I have two sons. One the oldest is addicted to oxycontin. After his last release from jail when he broke up with his gf (where I actually encouraged encouraged her to go) he tried to hang himself.
Instead of taking care of it myself, I called mental health, knowing it would eventually return him to jail and then maybe prision. That is exactly what happened. However, because he refused a visit from me before he was sent from jail to prison, I have no idea where he is serving out is sentence. That hurts.

The younger son is the opposite. He has been strong and focused. He is in his second year of college, but is actually considered a junior because of all the work with AP and community classes while he was in high school. I love
having him around and am proud. Yet everytime he comes home for a break then goes back I absolutely fall apart. All I have known is to be a mom for a total of 30 years now. I know I need to get a new identity, I don't know how

Everything came to a head last week. After the younger son left and I was all alone again, I simply called my job and said "I quit". Thankfully they called back a couple of days later and said they didn't really want me to quit at all.
I have vacation time so they asked me to take it and then come back to work on Friday. I need this job. I'm a single mom and income is tight with the youngest in college. I'm trying to get myself together to go back Friday.

This week has been so hard because it's been so lonely and so quiet,. The comments of a normal family are I think what has triggered me tonight. There is no such thing in my life. Even though I know it in my head, sometimes it hurts my heart. I'm trying to be grateful that my job wants me back. In these financial times I'm very lucky for that fact.

The thing is I know I have to change things. I have to let go of both of my son's, Both the sick one and the one that is doing so well. I need to get a new life. I'm not sure how to start, but I need to start now, Thanks for all your posts. When I read about your kids, I relate so well. Somehow I have not been able to put all that relating into action.

Anybody out there ready to give me a huge kick in the arse?
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:56 PM
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I think talking to someone about the guilt you are carrying is a good place to start...
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Old 10-08-2008, 06:10 PM
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Mountain, No kicks in the arse, but how about a great big mom to mom hug. You did nothing wrong by encouraging the girlfriend to move on. The issue belongs to your son, not you. I am sure that you did what you thought was the right thing at the time. Can't change it, but you can forgive yourself for it. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-08-2008, 07:19 PM
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Thanks for the replies. I don't want to take away from this thread. But I know I have two days to get myself together and go back to work. Talking to somebody is a good idea. I went to a couple of alanon meetings and even though I enjoyed them, I stopped going. I guess I just didn't want to face just how sick I am. I live in a rural area and there are a few a week.

For me, I just need to go and keep on going. Like I said when I read about members and our kids it hits so close to home. I do understand the feelings and the pain. My last therapist told me part of my problem was I was loyal to anyone and everyone, even when it was not deserved. I think I should journal on that, as it has stayed with me for a long time.

Time for a huge change for me. Thanks for being there.
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Old 10-08-2008, 08:16 PM
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HI magic, I certainly don;t want another mom to be crying tonight. It's so hard to remember my son as a child and how funny and organized he was. I just can't put a finger on when we lost him to this horrible addiction. He seems to play the game so well.. He went to rehab, got out and lived with us for a month and then got his own place and the job he has now. That was a year ago. Today I just have that gut feeling that theres more going on that I don't know about. I know~~I know~~~step aside!! Maybe its me. I have lived for so many years bailing him out of jams that maybe I'm feeling something that just isn't there. I, also, have an older son that is doing terrific in life. We really do need to center on ourselves but it takes time and practice... I'm sorry you don't know where your son is but maybe when he gets out~~~he'll be wiser. We can only pray that they both wake up ~~but regretless "Life goes on". We had better hop on the train and finish the ride with smiles on our faces....I will~ if you will. Enjoy going back to work and you didn't hyjack the thread. With me lets just blame OK~~~ Smiles, Bonnie
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