off balance now that he's stopped drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 14
off balance now that he's stopped drinking
Hi folks,
I haven't read anything here that really addresses this particular issue, but I'm feeling really off-balance since my husband has stopped drinking a month ago. Did anyone else feel like this??
He was in the early stages of alcoholism, hadn't really gotten into any real trouble because of drinking, it was just that it was causing problems with our marriage. He'd go out on the weekends, drink or get drunk with friends, be unable to stop once he'd started and then come home really late and be hungover the next day and not participate in family life. Now this didn't happen every time he drank, but enough to make me very unhappy.
But I knew what to expect. He'd go out, drink, come home, I'd get mad, we wouldn't talk for a few days, we'd make up, then he'd go out... blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes.
So he stopped drinking after an incident where he got cut off by the bartender, was really drunk and fell off his bike twice. Since then, our relationship has improved dramatically. We no longer fight, we actually talk and I like spending time with him.
But it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I'm on edge all the time. He'd 'promised' not to drink before and always went back to it.
So, does this feeling ever go away? What did you do to cope with it? When he was drinking, I knew what to expect... now... I don't know.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Hope
I haven't read anything here that really addresses this particular issue, but I'm feeling really off-balance since my husband has stopped drinking a month ago. Did anyone else feel like this??
He was in the early stages of alcoholism, hadn't really gotten into any real trouble because of drinking, it was just that it was causing problems with our marriage. He'd go out on the weekends, drink or get drunk with friends, be unable to stop once he'd started and then come home really late and be hungover the next day and not participate in family life. Now this didn't happen every time he drank, but enough to make me very unhappy.
But I knew what to expect. He'd go out, drink, come home, I'd get mad, we wouldn't talk for a few days, we'd make up, then he'd go out... blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes.
So he stopped drinking after an incident where he got cut off by the bartender, was really drunk and fell off his bike twice. Since then, our relationship has improved dramatically. We no longer fight, we actually talk and I like spending time with him.
But it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I'm on edge all the time. He'd 'promised' not to drink before and always went back to it.
So, does this feeling ever go away? What did you do to cope with it? When he was drinking, I knew what to expect... now... I don't know.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Hope
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
My brother allegedly isn't drinking at the moment, I say allegedly because I'm not 100% sure, but I don't need to be. If he isn't drinking it's the only thing thats changed in his case.
I'm half hoping if he's not drinking he stays off it, and half hoping he'd get back to normal. Confusing thoughts, but for now I'm concentrating on me not him.
I'm half hoping if he's not drinking he stays off it, and half hoping he'd get back to normal. Confusing thoughts, but for now I'm concentrating on me not him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Yes, I can identify with that.
I'll try to give you an analogy that might explain it for you.
I am the first in my family to break a long line of alcoholics, on both sides of the family.
With active alcoholism, everyone in the family assumes a role, based on beliefs/behaviors/attitudes.
Think of it as a baby mobile hanging over the crib, each piece of the mobile representing a member of the family (or close friends), including the alcoholic.
When the alcoholic gets sober, imagine that piece being cut off of the mobile, and what do you have? Imbalance, everything is out of whack!
I love my parents dearly, but they are raving codependents. When I got sober, they lost their person to enable, so when my oldest daughter started in her own alcoholism/addictions, they jumped right in to enable her.
When she finally burnt them badly enough financially and emotionally, they quit enabling her, and now enable my youngest AD.
They can't stand the discomfort, or unbalance, if you will, of learning new behaviors/attitudes for themselves. They cling to old familiar behaviors like enabling, and my mother is the one who will worry if there isn't something to worry about.
There is discomfort, lack of balance, when an alcoholic sobers up because roles have changed, and that leaves people feeling 'lost' (for lack of a better term).
Does any of that make sense to you?
I'll try to give you an analogy that might explain it for you.
I am the first in my family to break a long line of alcoholics, on both sides of the family.
With active alcoholism, everyone in the family assumes a role, based on beliefs/behaviors/attitudes.
Think of it as a baby mobile hanging over the crib, each piece of the mobile representing a member of the family (or close friends), including the alcoholic.
When the alcoholic gets sober, imagine that piece being cut off of the mobile, and what do you have? Imbalance, everything is out of whack!
I love my parents dearly, but they are raving codependents. When I got sober, they lost their person to enable, so when my oldest daughter started in her own alcoholism/addictions, they jumped right in to enable her.
When she finally burnt them badly enough financially and emotionally, they quit enabling her, and now enable my youngest AD.
They can't stand the discomfort, or unbalance, if you will, of learning new behaviors/attitudes for themselves. They cling to old familiar behaviors like enabling, and my mother is the one who will worry if there isn't something to worry about.
There is discomfort, lack of balance, when an alcoholic sobers up because roles have changed, and that leaves people feeling 'lost' (for lack of a better term).
Does any of that make sense to you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 14
that makes complete sense! you explained it beautifully. I do feel lost which is hard to come to terms with because he stopped drinking so things should have gotten better. I'm completely up for learning new ways of relating to each other, but I'm not sure what that 'looks like' or how to get there.
I tried al-anon in the past, but really didn't like it. does anyone know of any other programs where I can learn this stuff?
I tried al-anon in the past, but really didn't like it. does anyone know of any other programs where I can learn this stuff?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
I felt this way when my xab stopped drinking for 4 weeks, oh my i was on edge constantly, knowing that without AA or medical help he would start drinking again before long. Life was so so nice when he was sober, but i knew it wouldnt last, and being a codie, i checked his phone, wallet, kept tabs on him. I behaved as if he was still drinking.
That when i realised i have a problem also.
Gill
That when i realised i have a problem also.
Gill
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
If you have access to an AA Big Book, please read Chapter 9, The Family Afterward. Here's a short excerpt that explains a little of the dysfunction that alcoholics like myself bring into the relationship........
Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, “Years of lining with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.” Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.
You can also read this chapter online here BIG BOOK-CHAPTER NINE P122.HTML
Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, “Years of lining with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.” Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle.
You can also read this chapter online here BIG BOOK-CHAPTER NINE P122.HTML
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by thehopefulwife 
I tried al-anon in the past, but really didn't like it. does anyone know of any other programs where I can learn this stuff?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 39
"Oh my gosh!" I could have sworn I wrote this post myself. This is a carbon copy of my life, other than my husband has yet to admit he has a problem and is still drinking. He's out drinking with his buddies about 3-4 a week or with clients as he says his job requires him to drink. Taking clients out for drinks lands him jobs. I have talked to him about it, but it's hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
"He'd 'promised' not to drink before and always went back to it."
Sounds like reason enough to be nervous to me.
I was in the same cycle with my AH that you describe. As much as I loved the times between the drinking, the nervousness loomed in the distance. Living apart is what it's taken for me to lose those feelings.
Sounds like reason enough to be nervous to me.
I was in the same cycle with my AH that you describe. As much as I loved the times between the drinking, the nervousness loomed in the distance. Living apart is what it's taken for me to lose those feelings.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
OK, one of the problems I have is that DH stops drinking, he starts drinking again (after 1 1/2 months recently, longest I remember him staying off it), and says that one of the problems is that I get really bitchy to him when he's not drinking. It may be that I do, I'm struggling with depression and that feeling of waiting for him to have a drink again. But at least part of what he says is just an excuse to throw the 'blame' on me. I don't know how to get past this. What I want to do is amend my own behaviour so that I know I'm behaving well, IYKWIM. Partly not to give him an excuse, partly because that's the way I want to treat him, properly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 14
Thanks you guys! It is such a weird feeling not knowing what happens next. I couldn't be happier with how we are getting along... if only I could now get MY head in order! I'm going to try and get a hold of that book that freedom suggested.
I'm really thankful for this forum. I tried to find an addiction service that helped families, but the closest one is 2 hours away. I really appreciate everyone here. Sharing helps.
Hope
I'm really thankful for this forum. I tried to find an addiction service that helped families, but the closest one is 2 hours away. I really appreciate everyone here. Sharing helps.
Hope
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