blessed4x

It has been going on 2 weeks since my AH has had a drink, other than 3 beers all day Sunday. He's miserable and we are not speaking. I have consulted with an attorney who requires payment up front to file and I am saving, as I don't think it wise to go further in debt right now.

I was just wondering, since I recall others mentioning that it was worse when their partner stopped drinking, how you coped with the bitterness. I see, in hindsight, that I thought if he would just stop drinking everything would be great. It's not. I don't want to keep "moving the bar" (and I loved that thread BTW), but I would like for us to at least be able to communicate what needs to happen next.

He seems to think that if I would just "try harder" (which in his head equates to more physical affection) everything would be fine. I CANNOT get myself to a place where I can "try" like that. As much as I would love to go there I'm afraid to open up and be vulnerable again. I've been burned one to many times. I feel like I'm giving up on the last chance my kids have for an intact family. Part of me wants to just give it one last shot. The other part of me fears that if I do it could lead to another, and another......

Pajarito

I understand this only too well. I also thought once STBXAH went to treatment all would be well. I spent a year afterward trying to figure out how to live with the bitter man he had become. At least when he was drinking I knew what to expect- how sick is that?

Part of me wants to just give it one last shot.
What does he want? He wants more physical attention? That's going to work- how? HE has to deal with his addiction- he is not. Putting a cork in it isn't dealing with his addiction. There's nothing you can do for him. All you can do is take care of yourself. If that means saving the money to hire a lawyer- do that. If it means getting out to talk to a friend- do that. Looking back on what I experienced, I wish I had spent more of my energy taking care of me and dd, and less on trying to appease him or figure him out. It wasn't worth it, and IMHO- relationships should not be that hard.

ToughChoices

It was very helpful for me when I began to understand that everything changes and ends -
sometimes issues like addiction expedite and draw attention to this process.

Living with alcoholism may well have exhausted all of your energy for this relationship. I'm certain that, if you look back at the history of your marriage, you will see that you "tried" very hard.

Just as you now understand that his cessation of drinking didn't solve your problems, he is incorrect in assuming that your physical affection will solve his.

I don't see that you are giving up on anything here. You wish you had more energy, you wish you had the motivation.

But you don't right now.
That is nothing to be ashamed of.

Take care, blessed4x.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
-TC

denny57

He hasn't stopped drinking. He had beers on Sunday. Today is Wednesday.

Not drinking and sobriety are two different beasts. Keep saving - did you ask the attorney about taking a lower retainer?

cyclelady

Blessed4x –

We are going through the same situation right now. I have an appointment to consult with an attorney on Friday.

However, AH came crashing down Monday evening. He began to sob. I mean sobbing alligator tears. He was extremely emotional. He doesn’t want to lose his family. It is the beer- he will give it up. Blah Blah Blah…… You know the rest I’m sure. On the other hand he says he doesn’t need help to do this. He can and will do this on his own. I hate sounding so negative but if we have tried this road before and it didn’t work then what makes it work now?
Ya know? It is that part of wanting to make the one last shot work BUT… you have your gut telling you the conclusion.

I have written a contract of sorts –This is my way to draw my line. If he drinks again I will be prepared to come to truths and I have that in writing telling me what my boundary is.
It may sound silly to some but this is a promise I need to make to myself and maybe the paper is the stone (written in stone).

AH also wants to be close, which is very hard for me. He hugs me so very tightly and it is hard to let my guard down and hug him back that way. I know what you mean about opening up to them and letting your vulnerability show, it is tough. I am also having a hard time.

I’m thinking about you Blessed4x and you are in my prayers.

Bernadette

From TC:

It was very helpful for me when I began to understand that everything changes and ends - sometimes issues like addiction expedite and draw attention to this process.

This is so HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And so true. And meditating on this is a way to find peace of mind with so many difficult things in life.

Thank you for this TC!!

Blessed- you've gotten some good advice from those who have walked this path - I'd have to agree strongly w/ Denny- beers four days ago???

From what I've seen - "sobriety" really doesn't kick in until a person has been dry more than a month.

"Recovery" only kicks in when they decide to not "do it on my own" but they reach out, not to us, but to other alcoholics or professionals, ask for and ACCEPT help, follow directions, and WORK a program of recovery.

I've been burned one to many times.
He seems to be trying to put band-aids on a 3rd degree burn....just out of desperation at losing his chief enabler.

Stay strong -

Peace-
B.

prodigal

Call your county prosecutor's office. They frequently have young attorneys who perform pro bono work. It won't cost you an arm and a leg. It's not unusual for an attorney who has lots of experience to ask for a large retainer up front. Give the free-or-next-to-nothing legal representation a shot. Cheaper doesn't necessarily equate with poor representation.

As Denny said, "... other than 3 beers all day Sunday" is drinking. A's will often make attempts to "control" their drinking. Like they say in AA, "one drink is too many and a thousand drinks are never enough."

If he's not speaking to you, you might give it a shot at speaking to him. My AH used to cold-shoulder me, and I would keep it light by asking, "Would you like a steak or pork chops for dinner?" It required more than a "yes" or "no" answer, and we kept it light.

blessed4x

You are absolutely right about him not having "stopped drinking". I guess I look at it like he has because his norm was a 30 pack a day, 7 days a week, sometimes more on the weekend (with vodka tossed in there as well). I'm sure he wants me to look at it as if he has stopped. He has not gone to AA or counseling, nor does he admit that he has a problem with alcohol.

I'm pretty amazed that he could cut back as much as he has without any other apparent withdrawal.....except for moodiness. I can't believe I wouldn't smell it at all if he were drinking.....that's one of the things that bothered me so much, and although you supposedly cannot smell vodka, I have noticed a definate odor when he is drinking it. But then, who wants to have to sniff your spouse?!

Thank you for the support. Reading back over my posts I see I must not be done beating my head against a wall.

Freedom1990

Dry is abstaining. Sobriety is working towards physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness.

If drinking were my only problem, then it would stand to reason that once I put the bottle down, I would be fine!

The drinking was only a symptom of my problem.

EndOfPinkCloud

Quote from Bernadette:

"Recovery" only kicks in when they decide to not "do it on my own" but they reach out, not to us, but to other alcoholics or professionals, ask for and ACCEPT help, follow directions, and WORK a program of recovery.

Amen, Bernadette, as I am experiencing this right now. My AH went through rehab after being an extremely secret vodka drinker. I never saw him drink more than wine in front of me, so I never experienced the "I hope he stops drinking" phase.

However, after he completed rehab I was completely nervous and stressed all the time - and soon became pregnant, which added to the stress. What helped was for the first two years of sobriety AH did reach out, he had a sponsor, he was working a program. I SAW the positive change in him and he was once again just about pretty close to being the man I married. It was exciting!!

Then, after two years, his sponsor moved away and the progress of his recovery ground to a halt. For two years I have waited for him to engage in recovery again. I have asked nicely, asked not so nicely, yelled, stomped my feet, threatened to leave, have left, came back, etc, the list goes on. He is a dry drunk (who knows, maybe he has returned to his vodka lady) now so I am no longer willing to travel this road any further with him. I am currently trying to unravel our 14 years together.

So, my experience is that recovery is a long road. If they can do it and are willing to work hard and be consistent, you can reap the rewards. They have to really, really want it. Always listen to ACTIONS, not words. As a codie, this is my problem.

I wish you the best in your situation.

hbb

I'm one of the ones that also thought things would be WONDERFUL once he quit drinking. It was the beginning of a whole new set of miserable problems for him that became my problems. Not grasping sobriety and just stopping drinking was what i experienced with my exabf and it's not pleasant and i don't wish it on anyone. Hang in there, keep posting