Reddmax

I'm an idiot. I finally got what the idea about controlling the A in your life.

However, I got caught up in the nonsensical BS last night. I was actually confronted by the AW and accused of talking to the kids. The thing is, I didn't do it. She spent the weekend drunk, and passed out with her daughters guest at the house.

So, what do you do when you're on the spot, when the alcoholic confronts you about an issue that you don't have anything to do with? I was in a position where anything I did would send her into a rage. How have you handled issues like that?

I realize that I can only control myself. If you're put on the spot with a drunk, and they expect some sort of response, what do you do?

What I did was this. I rationally explained what happened to her, that she was obviously drunk most of the weekend, and the kids saw it, and I had no discussion with them. At that point she started cussing me out, and I told her if she was going to communicate like that, I was not going to listen. That's where it ended up. Did I do that right?

Redd

Ago

First, you are not an idiot, put the bat down, it's not true, nor is it helpful to anyone to beat yourself up, least of all to you. You are a man faced with something beyond his ability and experience (the disease of alcoholism)

second, I don't know what to tell you about trying to communicate with the truly irrational, that's why I am here too, to learn how to take care of myself in the face of someone else's insanity, I have a pretty good handle on my own (with help from my sponsor, meetings etc) but even thinking about my XAGF makes my eyeballs spin in my head if I try to make sense of the relationship still.

My answer was :codiepolice in the face of constant and to get :ghug3 instead because for me today, I can't do it (deal with an irrational person that I am emotionally tangled up with) without "engaging"

I do see many examples here though, hopefully someone can give you something more specific about how to take care of yourself in the face of that insanity without "attaching"

ToughChoices

Sounds good to me - how did you feel about it?

I felt very proud of myself when I started opting out of the angry, drunken accusations.
You have no obligation to explain your thought processes and reasoning to your wife - she doesn't sound like she believes anything she doesn't want to believe anyway. Better to put your mental energy elsewhere!

-TC

Reddmax

I sort of envy the people that have "happy" alcoholics in their lives.

But anyway, I'm sort of trying to develop rules for myself that reduce the amount of stress and pain that I experience. I'm going to be leaning on all of you and your experience.

My stress level is pretty high, as I'm moving into a new period in my life. The AW wants things to stay the same, with her in control of everyone's life, and I don't see it that way.

These strange incidents of blaming me for what she does keeps my anxiety level up. Which I realize is a type of control and manipulation. The result? I'm in another cycle of insomnia and disturbed sleep.

In general, how do you keep the "reality check" firm in your mind. Should I just walk away from the discussion when the AW is drunk? Should I even talk about it when she isn't imbibing? Any advice is appreciated.

I need tools to deal with day to day incidents until those are no longer needed. I also need strength to deal with what life dishes out.

Redd

Jazzman

Lets stop rigtht here and look at it this way.

I think you're operating under the assumption you are dealing with a rational person. An active addict is nothing of the sort. What's that old saying? Don't try to argue with a pig, it only frustrates you and really pisses off the pig? Something like that... anyway..

Part of an active addicts built in addiction survival defense sytem is to deflect blame, attention, the news topic of the hour, yada yada... away from the addict and onto who ever is within blame range. It's not you... it's just you're the target... don't take it personal, just don't take it.... at all.

Walk away.

denny57

Not worry about what a drunk expects of me. It's insanity.

I'd walk away.

Techie1701

I learned not to argue with anyone when either they or I am drinking.

Reddmax

That's what I thought. Walk away. I have a problem in that I let my emotions get way to involved in my actions. This is my problem. I made the choice to engage, even though the other erson had no idea of what rationality was.

Each of you have loved an Alcoholic. Each of you have been in my shoes at one time. How do you control yourself when you want to engage, either to defend yourself, or to help the alcoholic? That, I believe, is my weak point. I want some control over my own life, and yet, I let the AW use my own habits against me. I want to compromise, I want to make mutual decisions. Those are the things I promised when married. It takes two, and in my relationship there is only one. Any advice on the second sentence. How do you restrain yourself from engaging from an alcoholic?

Redd

LaTeeDa

It's not easy. You have to separate your emotions from your actions. You cannot control how you feel, you can only control what you do. I found a lot of relief in journaling. I could spew all my emotions out on paper. It was a great release for me, and it really helped me work through some things as well.

There are also some tried and true ways to control your own reactions. The old counting to ten before saying anything can be helpful. Also, coming up with some neutral responses ahead of time that you can use when needed like "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "really?" or "I see." All followed by walking away.

L

baileyboop

When I get the feeling that I am "trapped" in a corner with my XAH, I usually just ask him if I can get back to him on the matter. We still have a regular contact because of our children, so I cannot have a no contact rule. But I do allow myself some "time-out" moments to collect my thoughts and sometimes my strength.

Summer2008

Redd, My XABF (wow, first time I typed the X) is a happy alcoholic. Since I have only dealt with a happy one, I don't know if it's better or worse but a lot of the same issues are there (black outs, lies, passing out, stumbling, etc) Of course the reason for his drinking was it was his stress reducer.

Either way an alcoholic is an alcoholic whether they are a happy one or an angry one. Maybe the happy or angry one boils down to a personality trait. I dunno...

AmpHusky

Sorry Reddmax, I think everyone has the same issue. We all want to use the rational and compromising parts of our being. That just doesn't work with addicts. I get most of that opinion from posts on SR. If there was a way to turn it around on them, it would be great.

One thing my XAGF would say is that she was very calculated when it came to drinking, and I said her calculator was broke. It's like dealing with a child at this point, the only thing is, I don't have to raise her.

ToughChoices

I began by stating, "Now is not a good time for me to discuss this," and then physically leaving the room.

The truth was - I desperately wanted to discuss it.
I wanted to talk to my husband about my pain, to share my frustration and feel that he understood my point of view.
I wanted to have rational conversations about the difficult matter at hand.

I tried to squeeze those emotions and responses out of him for a long time, and I finally realized that I had to wake up and realize that he was incapable of giving me what I wanted.

That realization didn't curb my desire for sane responses and empathy. I still wanted all that stuff - I just knew that trying to get it from a drunk wouldn't get me anything except a headache.

So I bit my lip. Held back some tears. Said my one-liner and walked away for the evening.

After practicing that particular behavior for a while I found that there was no need to hold back tears. Avoiding drunken conflict has become second nature.

You're starting out, Redd. It doesn't feel good in the beginning. Get your body moving, and your heart will follow after it.

-TC

denny57

I learned to take contrary action. So my brain was telling me to engage, I told it no, I"m walking away. The more I did the more it became second nature to do so.

cem001

You simply walk away.

Pajarito

Just because someone says something to you doesn't mean you have to respond. The best piece of advice my counselor gave me was, "Don't analyze, explain or defend." It's impossible to do any of that with an alcoholic. Why waste your breath? Walk away.

cem001

I personally have never experienced this. If they say they are "happy" they are probably in denial.

Mair

I used to bite my tongue, say nothing, walk away. They like you to react, just dont give her the pleasure. It does get easier with practice, you will soon find that you feel so much better by not engaging in crap.

Gill

sam79

Its not easy to walk away or ignore it with my ABF. If i actually decide to stay at his house and he ends up drunk and confronts me about something, i
ignore him, go to a different room and i just get followed, my personal space gets invaded etc.
All i can do is leave the house completely, which i had to do at 2AM last Saturday for the reasons above.

GrowingPains

If you stick around long enough, you'll get so bored with the predictable attempt to engage you in an argument that you'll naturally remain calm and give them the "I see," "That's interesting," or "maybe we can talk about that tomorrow." Running water can also be a nice way to check out of the 'conversation' for awhile as long as you throw an "uh-huh" in during the pauses.