ladybirdflys

Dear -----,

I wish that things weren't so complicated, you know. I wish it was just us, our life and love...but there is so much more below the surface. It is a dark place, that's why we don't go there all too often, but it's there none the less. It hurts me, it haunts me, it fills me with fear, waking up gasping for air in the morning, heart pounding, damp with sweat and it was all just a dream...or was it.

Foot steps on the stairs
and my hand instinctively reaches for the lifeline
long since severed
never secure
and always addictively seductive

I've said it before
and I'll say it again
the bottle was marked
before my mouth was met
with seductive wetness
before that first sip
ever crossed my lips

And I didn't cause it, right
and I sure as s--t
can't cure it
but it's there
and my heart aches knowing there are two versions
…of us

It's never easy
it's never true
and in every kiss
slips a demon
denial
in its purest form

Like a drug
it hits my cells one by one
and suddenly I am taken
over the threshold of reason
my heart beats and quickens

Your hand in mine
while the other reaches for oblivion

The words you never said
and the way I believed
that my heart could open to reveal yours too
it doesn't work like that

I’m feeling sunblind
but this time I think I'll wait
to shade my eyes
because maybe just maybe this time
I can see it for what it is

Prisoner to my own falsehoods
prisoner to the promise of our potential
and the crushing reality
of my dreams
put on a shelf
behind so many bottles

Those nights
the few and far between
not punctuated by the bitter taste of booze
and the eggshell mornings that followed
tactful re-tellings
of events better left unsaid
or better yet, left behind

Girlish and laughing
deny deny deny
my needs fall to the wayside
and I am up all night caring for you

I am laughing off a slap to the face
I am feeding on the drama
because that sickness you have
it's in me too

This man who I love
noble, strong
all I need to protect me from the scary world
passed out on the sidewalk
throwing up on my borrowed dress
and I'll clean it in the morning
we'll get you upstairs, baby
and I wonder why I'm the one blacking out

What am I hiding from?
every happy photo
every single last one
reeks of the residual ethanol
and over-used denial
thick like cheap perfume

The price of selling myself short
is always too high

The night I finally took a stand
self-respect cowered in the corner
like a scared child
and try as I might
I could no longer swallow my own lies

The light inside
I've tried mercilessly to extinguish
still flickers and I know I am not alone
I am truly worth more
than I ever thought to give myself

Pain mixed with sorrow and regret
and I wish I could rock away your pain
but I can’t save you, honey
it’s not mine to hold
it never was

As I say good-bye to the idealized vision
of the man that I love
wonderful, beautiful, tragic sickness
I morn the loss of my lover, my friend
and celebrate the sheer terror of my rebirth

Standing on a cliff
I take a leap
never did the fear of flying feel so good
I can’t wait for tomorrow to become today
there is so much more

The white doves take flight
little by little
fear gives to faith turns to truth
I have to believe that someday
I will be free.

Lilyflower

That is truely beautiful writing, journalling out feelings like that will serve you well in your own path of healing and awakening.

If you send this to your ex, I would be wary of your feelings, as I don't expect that he will appreciate the words.

May I ask if you are sending this to him? By all means, send this as a goodbye note to him, with no expectations, however sending this to him in the hope that his attitude to his addiction may change, will most likely lead your emotions to that unstable place where you are dependant on him and his actions for your inner peace.

Love to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ladybirdflys

Thanks for the concern, Lily. No...I am not sending it to him. He has already started on his path with AA and I wish him the best. He doesn't need anymore guilt or shame in his life right now! He will have his 4th and 9th step to uncover all that!

It's the first thing I've ever written that truly confirms his addiction and my co-dependency. Just yesterday I was struggling with the thought of going back to the relationship. I thank god for the clarity to continue on my own path of recovery.

I truly hope he recovers, he is amazing person. But I need to focus on myself right now...I have this dream that I will get to "fall in love with myself" and become the woman I've always wanted to be. Is that so much to ask? :P

Lilyflower

Lady, you sound so focused, and your writing is inspired! I saw me and my own relationship in your peom, it is beautiful!

I think you will be great going forward, your post shows how much clarity you have towards the situation at hand and I can see your inner peace is growing!

Thank you for sharing,

Peace and blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx