brandnewday30

My boyfriend of almost 3 years is in recovery. He is/was a marijuana addict as well as a tobacco addict which is still hasn't given up. He has been sober for 1 month at this point. This has been a very difficult time for me as his partner. He has told me that he feels like he's been "a shell of a man" for his entire adult life. Numbing any and all of his feelings with marijuana. Now, it is as if he feels like he has to make up for lost time. Where he used to keep his feelings at bay by smoking pot, he now voices every one that comes into his head. Most of them being negative. And a lot of them, issues he has with me. Suddenly, he no longer loves me like he used to. He told me in the past that he wants to get married to me. He has now communicated that this is no longer the truth. This is all a huge shock for me. I was unaware that him and I had such major relationship problems. I was also unaware of how much and how often he was smoking. I knew he smoked somewhat regularly, but it never really bothered me. Now, it's as if my entire world has been turned upside down. I am happy that he quit but sad in the same respect. He is no longer the sweet, selfless person that I fell in love with. I want to help him and I want to be there for him. He just makes it really hard. He has so much anger now. We are seeing a therapist together. She tells me that I am supposed to try and not take the things he says to me personally. I really don't know how to do that. I am miserable. Can anyone offer me some words of advice. I am new to this forum.

Thanks,
Lindsay

CarolD

Welcome....

I suggest you check out this link
to the Friends & Family of Substance Abusers

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

It really is sad when dreams are not working out.

Mattcake

Hi Lindsay,

Your post describes a tough situation. On principle, I'd agree with your BFs assessment about having been a "shell" for most of his life. In general, addicts don't turn to drugs because their lives are so grand; there are usually many unresolved issues that may be lurking beneath the surface.
Welcome, btw, try to feel good about posting here, as you'll receive lots of support. Though it probably hurts, remind yourself that your boyfriend has a lot of courage for finally addressing his addiction and being honest about his intake during the time you've known each other. That's no small feat. The anger he might direct towards you, the feeling of "not really knowing him" might just take some adjustment as he gathers his bearings and sorts out his life. Be patient, as initial recovery sends shock waves throughout an addicts tie system, especially those who are closest to him or her.

Be patient with yourself too, try to follow your therapist's recommendations, and take good care of yourself. Remind yourself that you have a right to whatever it is you're feeling right now. Please follow Carol's link, the friends and family members will support you too. Hopefully, this will get sorted out in time.

He is lucky to have you, as you obviously care very much about him Best of luck.

least

YOu can support him best by caring for yourself. If you are 'healthy' it will be easier to support him in his quest for good physical and mental health. I understand how hurt you must feel by his changing feelings, but I would take what he says with a grain of salt for the time being. He may or may not still love you, only time will tell. Just take good care of yourself no matter what. I understand your pain and hope your fears will be resolved.

Welcome to a good and safe place.

:ghug2

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, lindsay. i'm the mom of an alcoholic/addict and i also had a relationship with an alcoholic (my daughter's dad). i can understand a lot of what you are feeling.

it's great that the two of you are seeing a therapist. have you thought about attending any alanon meetings? alanon really helps me.

hugs, and keep posting - k

Tazman53

I am an alcoholic so I can not speak with any experience on this at all, the only thing I would suggest is going to the equivelant of Alanon for families and friends of alcoholics for substance abuse and do as Carol suggested.

Horselover

Lindsay - Welcome to SR! It looks like you already got some really good advice and what your therapist said really rings true. I take things out on my husband when its not him I am really angered at. I just apologized to him last night for that very reason. We lash out at those closest to us. I am sorry you are going through this, but you seem to be doing all the right things in seeing a therapist. I agree with the others on maybe finding an Alanon group. It would be a nice thing to do for yourself and might give you more patience with your boyfriend.