darkplace

I need some advice: I want to tell my 17 yr old son's girlfriend something that will probably make them break up. He smokes cigarettes & she forbids that because she watched her grandfather die from emphysema & it affected her greatly. He says he won't quit for her. My son also has had past abuses with alchohol & marijuana, which she knows about. But she doesn't know about his past abuse with cocaine, & his most recent use of salvia (a legal hallucinogen), and about cheating on her in the past! The only reason I want to tell her or her parents is because I am sickened at what my son has become & I wouldn't want my daughter dating someone like my son. I love my son greatly & we used to be really close til he started partying (& lying & deceiving, etc.) last year. The only thing stopping me from talking to her parents or her is that my son has an anger management problem & this will certainly cause a major fit. The last time I told his girlfriend about smoking cigarettes, before I knew how she felt about it, he exploded & threw furniture around & I had to go to the police station to consult with a police officer. I decided not to get the police involved then, with my son agreeing to get help (again) & stop smoking. He's still smoking & as far as I know avoiding partying, but then again what do I know. By the way, it wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to not have a girlfriend, but he's very popular so I don't think that would stay like that long. I have tried getting him so much help, for many years, so without getting even more involved with that, my question remains, should I talk to his girlfriend &/or his parents? Thank you.:praying

mooselips

Betcha she knows he's smoking cigarettes.
It's very hard to get that smell off your clothes and your breath.
(I know I smoke)
And if she doesn't know now, she will eventually.

And besides that, I sure would stay out of it.

I always feel bad for the GF's of my oldest son,
but he usually fesses up to them, and they still STAY!

marle

When I have gotten between my daughter and her past boyfriends, it never worked. The boyfriends stayed and my daughter just got p*ssed. Maybe the girlfriend has a few secrets of her own. My daughter's boyfriends always did. Hugs, Marle

rahsue

stay out of it and work on your issues in life. she will find out soon enough what is going on.

mtnmagic

MY story is a bit different. My oldest son had addiction to oxycontin. His gf knew but she thought she could help him. His behavior got more erratic.
He was also on probation. I was watching him go down hill with his sweet gf right with him. I finally convinced her to leave. When she did he came unglued. He actually tried to hang himself. He had disabled my phone so I could not call for help. By the next morning I had finally figured out how to fix my phone, then the decision to call the police/probation or mental health next.

I was absoluely crazed. I finally decided on Mental Health. They took the matter out of my hands. The police came for him and he was given the full sentence that he was on probation for. 2 years. I struggle with the guilt on a daily basis. The gf is hurting, but she is going on with her life. I think that is a good thing.

I feel horrible for doing what I did. But you know what, I begged him to get help. He did not. I could not take one more day of his self abuse. His choices took things out of my hands completely.

I hope my son gets some sort of help in prison. His gf is going on with a life that she deserves. Some may disagree with my decision. I put him in his own hands. He had to deal with the court probation and mental health. It may be a cop out but me interferring with the natural consequences of his own actions was making him worse, not better.

This is very difficult for me to even talk about. As his mom there are times that I feel awful. Now his life is in his own hands. If I have made a mistake,
well I ask God to forgive me, because I just didn't know what else to do. All the talking in the world did no good. Nothing changed. Maybe now something will change, maybe not. I just know it isn't in my control anymore.
For that I feel incredible relief.

darkplace

Wow, I am so sorry for you & really feel for you. Just know, you DID THE RIGHT THING. Maybe, just maybe, your son will see that & thank you. If not, just know you did the only thing you could do. I am actually at the point that I'd wish my son would get caught & in trouble b/c I feel something has to shake him up.
Thanks to everyone for your advice, I agree I should stay out of it!
God bless us all!!!!!:ghug3

littlebird77

I wouldn't tell the girlfriend about the cigarettes, and I'm sure she knows anyway and is making a decision to either accept it or ignore it. I feel that if you did that, it would be a way for him to loose his girlfriend, maybe take a look at his life and stop what he is doing... I think it may be a way for you to get your son to take notice of what he is doing. I know it may be really REALLY hard, but try to go a different route. Let him know that you love him and that if he continues this path, it will only be a path that leads to a pit... Let him know you have been around the block a few times, and being older you know a thing or two about life.... and then I guess you need to just let go and let a higher power take over... if you want to speed the process in any way, a kick start would be to not enable him in any way. Any time I enable someone I have learned that it only slows down the process.

freshstart

My experience is the truth will always come out without us interferring. IMO you stand a good chance of just creating more resentments between you and your son and you and your sons girlfriend. It's a tough situation and I don't envy you. Maybe try to just get son some help? If you hate who he has become maybe you have to separate yourself from the situation until he gets the help that he needs. Sounds like you are trying to fix a symptom of a much larger problem.

hope213

first off welcome to s.r. nope, i would not tell his g.f. this is not your place. he needs to hit his bottom. if he is not using that is a good thing. work on you & let go of your son. he is going to do what he wants & there is nothing you can do about what he does. you can set bountries for him at your house. it is your house. take care of you & the things that belong to you. keep coming back here. sounds as if he can get very violent. call the police. do not wait for him to actually hurt you. prayers for you & your son,

NeedingHelp7

Giving her a phamplet to naranon or alanon may help, or have someone else give her one.
At least this would inform her in ways that you don't have to speak a word.

What is salvia, I've never heard of that one.

darkplace

Thanks. Enter salvia in a search here & you'll see plenty about it. It's a legal hallucinogen.

rozied

Hi, Welcome to SR, I am so sorry you are going through this with your son. My son is 42 & I am still going through it. I thank God I don't live with him.
It is best to not say anything. Other people here gave you some good ideas.
I will keep you & your son in my prayers.
Good Luck,
Diane

Rebecca4

Hi

I am not surprised the last time he went mad because you told his girlfriend things, your his mom. Surely at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water? He was bound to feel angry that you had done this.
I really do not mean to offend, but yes smoking is bad, but there is a lot worse he could be doing. Most people, and I do not want to generalise, experiement at some times in their lifes. I think you need to be worried if you google Amy Winehouse in the UK.
A good few years ago, there was a case in the UK where a girl called Leah Betts died. At her birthday, not sure if it was 18th or 21st, her parents had a very strict no alcohol policy, which she was legal to do. Little did they know that booze was the last thing on her mind. She died after having a horrible reaction to an ecstacy tablet. They released her pictures in the newspapers on life support to warn others. My point is, they were worrying they might have a sly swig of drink, but actually no it was far worse.
I just wish you all the llok in the world. I do not agree with violence for any gains, but I think I would be hurt if my family told someone I liked that I was no good. Also, it may just be that her high standards rub off on him.

x