This Is Day 3 Of My Recovery
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
This Is Day 3 Of My Recovery
Greetings all.
I'm a 38 year old man from Massachusetts, married, no kids, homeowner, military veteran. Underemployed as a freelance computer security tech. Grandmother on my mom's side was a raging alcoholic and it killed her and it devastated my mother who never drinks but does smoke like a pack a day. Anyway, I have been a pretty steady drinker my whole life, starting at like 16 or so. Never been arrested or anything like that but I've had a few close calls over the years. I've been aware for a while that my drinking has become a problem. Just too much, too often, like a lifestyle (deathstyle). I don't get angry drunk, or out of control drunk, just kinda like a happy drunk but that besides the point. Fact is, I drink almost all the time and I decided last Saturday night after getting really hammered at a wedding that I was done. When I went to bed that night, I thought I was going to die in my sleep, or that I would die if I kept this up.
Day 1 (Sunday) was really just hangover recovery but yesterday and today I have not had a drink and I don't plan on ever drinking again if I can control it. I'm very inspired by James Hetfield, singer for Metallica. He quit in 2002 and got his life together and I need to do the same before I lose it all. Their new record is really helping me too. I'm also very inspired by the TV show Intervention. When I see the success of the people on that show, I want that for myself. I have not told my wife yet that I'm doing this, I'm just not drinking and she's bound to notice at some point. She drinks somewhat more than occasionally herself and smokes a lot of pot but is probably not an alcoholic or really a problem drinker. She is also the most highly functional pothead I ever met. Anyway...
I have a long road ahead, I know this and I just need some support, so that's why I'm here. I know that it will get easier and my life will get better. In some ways, I can feel it already. I was much more calm last night just watching TV with my wife and not drinking the usual 8 or 9 beers. There will be so many upcoming social situations where I have to be strong. For example, we go to Patriots games and tailgate with a serious boozing crew. We go to a lot of concerts, sporting events, and other situations where booze is always involved. I want to be the guy that the other alcoholics are secretly jealous of for being able to stop.
I also have addiction issues with nicotine, caffeine, and to some degree pain pills when I can get them. I have battled with smoking cigarettes almost all my life as well and now I'm actually hooked on the patch. Better than smoking but I have to break that addiction cycle too. I actually think that will be harder than stopping drinking. I drink a ton of coffee, and will do pain pills whenever I can get them, which actually is not all that often. I also smoke pot, which is always available because my wife smokes regularly. But alcohol is really the biggest problem right now and I'm tackling that first, then I want to deal with the nicotine addiction, and stop doing pain pills unless I'm actually in pain. As for the coffee and pot, I dunno, maybe I'll keep those. I don't really consider pot all that bad and for now, it's what I will allow myself in place of booze but in the end, I want to kick it all. One thing at a time.
I've been the slave for too long.
I want my life back.
Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for the support I hope to find here
I'm a 38 year old man from Massachusetts, married, no kids, homeowner, military veteran. Underemployed as a freelance computer security tech. Grandmother on my mom's side was a raging alcoholic and it killed her and it devastated my mother who never drinks but does smoke like a pack a day. Anyway, I have been a pretty steady drinker my whole life, starting at like 16 or so. Never been arrested or anything like that but I've had a few close calls over the years. I've been aware for a while that my drinking has become a problem. Just too much, too often, like a lifestyle (deathstyle). I don't get angry drunk, or out of control drunk, just kinda like a happy drunk but that besides the point. Fact is, I drink almost all the time and I decided last Saturday night after getting really hammered at a wedding that I was done. When I went to bed that night, I thought I was going to die in my sleep, or that I would die if I kept this up.
Day 1 (Sunday) was really just hangover recovery but yesterday and today I have not had a drink and I don't plan on ever drinking again if I can control it. I'm very inspired by James Hetfield, singer for Metallica. He quit in 2002 and got his life together and I need to do the same before I lose it all. Their new record is really helping me too. I'm also very inspired by the TV show Intervention. When I see the success of the people on that show, I want that for myself. I have not told my wife yet that I'm doing this, I'm just not drinking and she's bound to notice at some point. She drinks somewhat more than occasionally herself and smokes a lot of pot but is probably not an alcoholic or really a problem drinker. She is also the most highly functional pothead I ever met. Anyway...
I have a long road ahead, I know this and I just need some support, so that's why I'm here. I know that it will get easier and my life will get better. In some ways, I can feel it already. I was much more calm last night just watching TV with my wife and not drinking the usual 8 or 9 beers. There will be so many upcoming social situations where I have to be strong. For example, we go to Patriots games and tailgate with a serious boozing crew. We go to a lot of concerts, sporting events, and other situations where booze is always involved. I want to be the guy that the other alcoholics are secretly jealous of for being able to stop.
I also have addiction issues with nicotine, caffeine, and to some degree pain pills when I can get them. I have battled with smoking cigarettes almost all my life as well and now I'm actually hooked on the patch. Better than smoking but I have to break that addiction cycle too. I actually think that will be harder than stopping drinking. I drink a ton of coffee, and will do pain pills whenever I can get them, which actually is not all that often. I also smoke pot, which is always available because my wife smokes regularly. But alcohol is really the biggest problem right now and I'm tackling that first, then I want to deal with the nicotine addiction, and stop doing pain pills unless I'm actually in pain. As for the coffee and pot, I dunno, maybe I'll keep those. I don't really consider pot all that bad and for now, it's what I will allow myself in place of booze but in the end, I want to kick it all. One thing at a time.
I've been the slave for too long.
I want my life back.
Thanks for listening and thanks in advance for the support I hope to find here
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Originally Posted by least 
You've come to a wonderful place for support and good info. Keep moving forward, one sober day at a time.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 206
Hey glad to see you here. I'm 36 married with two small kids. I saw this coming a mile away as well and much like you my social circle almost exclusively is about partying. It kills me because I know(but haven't done it yet) eventually leave that group for my health and safety. I can't just drink on a Friday and Saturday and then wake up Monday morning and know that I won't drink every night during the week. It has become my lifestyle, my comfort zone. I'm on day 2 but I've been to 45 days before and I'd like to make a complete lifestyle change permanently. I am concerned for my health and think I have a stomach ulcer from too much booze and then Advil the next day. Smoking is a problem when I drink but not otherwise. I quit dipping about 2 years ago and never looked back. What I do know is all of my bad habits smoking, laziness, anger, etc all are as a result of drinking. I sit here right now posting on a Tuesday after binging all weekend. I'm still have nausea and can't get myself to pick up the phone and start working. One thing I will say, if you are an addict you are an addict man. If you leave booze forever pot and pills are certain to replace it, but I respect you tackling one issue at a time and I think that is a good call. I'm ready for the long haul if you are. Feel free to PM me anytime.
Hill
Hill
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Thanks.
Thought I might take this time to ramble a little bit more about my experience and what I hope to achieve by getting this monster under control. Like I said in my original post, my grandmother was a bad alcoholic, like hiding the bottles, hearing voices, just really bad. So I always would hear from my mother that I was potentially prone to addiction because it ran in my family. Being young at the time, I did not really know what that all meant but it did stay with me mentally and I guess it's true.
My parents divorced when I was 15. Not a great time in my life at all. I sought to escape the reality of my life and filled the void with occasional drinking, the use of marijuana, and experimenting with other drugs but not really getting into hard stuff to any excess, lucky me. The drinking just never really stopped. I remember when I went in the Army that I did not drink at all during basic training (you just can't) and when I got my first off post pass after two months without a drink I COULD NOT WAIT to go celebrate graduating and get loaded, and that's just what I did.
That was in 1995 and I doubt that a day has gone by since without at least one drink. There may have been a few days I was too hungover to drink but those don't count, right? So the drinking went on and on, and just never stopped. I don't really know why I drink so much or how I got to this point but I do know that I'm killing myself and need to stop. My body can't handle it anymore.
I once had a conversation with my wife about my drinking and I said "My drinking hasn't really cost me anything." and she reminded me that I didn't get this really good job once because when they did the background check on me they discovered I was fired from a real nice restaurant I worked at once because I was drinking one night with a bunch of other staff, so drinking has cost me at least that, probably much more. I've been lucky that I've never been arrested for drinking though I did have a field sobriety test one night and even as loaded as I was, I passed it no problem and the 3 State Troopers let me drive away. That gave me confidence (false?), I thought I was invincible, and could get away with anything because I was smart, tall, 275 pounds, and a veteran.
Now I realize though that I'm killing myself by drinking the way I do.
I want to be sober. I want to stop drinking. I want to be here, and clear, and in the now the way I know life can be if I can just get this monster under control. I think I have the strength but I don't know how bad it will get, or how tempted I will be in the future. I just know I can't live like this anymore.
Thought I might take this time to ramble a little bit more about my experience and what I hope to achieve by getting this monster under control. Like I said in my original post, my grandmother was a bad alcoholic, like hiding the bottles, hearing voices, just really bad. So I always would hear from my mother that I was potentially prone to addiction because it ran in my family. Being young at the time, I did not really know what that all meant but it did stay with me mentally and I guess it's true.
My parents divorced when I was 15. Not a great time in my life at all. I sought to escape the reality of my life and filled the void with occasional drinking, the use of marijuana, and experimenting with other drugs but not really getting into hard stuff to any excess, lucky me. The drinking just never really stopped. I remember when I went in the Army that I did not drink at all during basic training (you just can't) and when I got my first off post pass after two months without a drink I COULD NOT WAIT to go celebrate graduating and get loaded, and that's just what I did.
That was in 1995 and I doubt that a day has gone by since without at least one drink. There may have been a few days I was too hungover to drink but those don't count, right? So the drinking went on and on, and just never stopped. I don't really know why I drink so much or how I got to this point but I do know that I'm killing myself and need to stop. My body can't handle it anymore.
I once had a conversation with my wife about my drinking and I said "My drinking hasn't really cost me anything." and she reminded me that I didn't get this really good job once because when they did the background check on me they discovered I was fired from a real nice restaurant I worked at once because I was drinking one night with a bunch of other staff, so drinking has cost me at least that, probably much more. I've been lucky that I've never been arrested for drinking though I did have a field sobriety test one night and even as loaded as I was, I passed it no problem and the 3 State Troopers let me drive away. That gave me confidence (false?), I thought I was invincible, and could get away with anything because I was smart, tall, 275 pounds, and a veteran.
Now I realize though that I'm killing myself by drinking the way I do.
I want to be sober. I want to stop drinking. I want to be here, and clear, and in the now the way I know life can be if I can just get this monster under control. I think I have the strength but I don't know how bad it will get, or how tempted I will be in the future. I just know I can't live like this anymore.
Just another day...
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 274
Good for u and welcome! Ive got 18 days sober...binge drinking was what I did best...lol. Now waking up in the morning with a clear head while others are hungover is a very nice high! Knowing I can get up at 8am, make breakfast for my kid or go run out and get donuts and not be hanging my head with shame from the night before or wondering if my husband is mad at me for something i said or did or didnt do cuz of being wasted and not remembering a thing. I too never got into legal trouble with the boozing but I gave up a good job with great benefits that I had been at for years..I didnt like getting up at 3am to go work in a factory...I wanted to sleep all day. Ive almost ruined my marriage, luckily he is still around. And health..oh...ever have pancreatitis? The drs said i didnt LOOK like an alcoholic so they didnt know how I got it..thats nice..i was binge drinking almost everynight for about a month when I got it...hmmm...painful and scary when u think about the damage to to ur organs. Anyways...u have come to a good place to share what ur going through. Everyone here is wonderful and supportive!
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
I feel like just being able to get some of this off my chest and into the open is helping me already. I've never really said all that stuff I've already said here. Sure, I've thought about it in my own head but this is my first time ever really expressing it. I kinda feel like I really haven't been in denial at all, that I've always known there was a problem. A problem I was either too ashamed or too embarrassed to seek help for, so maybe that's why it went on like it did for so long. I never thought, "oh, I don't have a problem & I know I can quit anytime I want."...nope, I knew I had a problem and that I've had no idea how to stop, and knew I couldn't. One day turned into another and then into months and years.
Maybe my "bottom" was last Saturday night lying in bed wasted feeling like I would not wake up because I was gonna die from all the poison in my body. I said some things that night too that I regret. Not mean things, just stupid and inappropriate. Things that disgraced nobody but me. I felt the shame of thinking about how I looked bringing so many drinks back to the table (over and over again) where my wife was and where her parents were. Wondering if they saw it all for what it was.
I feel like this mental awakening has been coming for a while though too. When James Hetfield got clean, that was an inspiration to me, a motivation that if he could do it, I could do it too. Same thing with watching Intervention. Seeing those people open up so deeply like that on TV, and then to overcome their monster. That really made me want to help myself. I found myself rooting for them to choose treatment, crying when they did, and deep down inside knowing I had to make that choice too.
Thanks again for just reading my words.
Maybe my "bottom" was last Saturday night lying in bed wasted feeling like I would not wake up because I was gonna die from all the poison in my body. I said some things that night too that I regret. Not mean things, just stupid and inappropriate. Things that disgraced nobody but me. I felt the shame of thinking about how I looked bringing so many drinks back to the table (over and over again) where my wife was and where her parents were. Wondering if they saw it all for what it was.
I feel like this mental awakening has been coming for a while though too. When James Hetfield got clean, that was an inspiration to me, a motivation that if he could do it, I could do it too. Same thing with watching Intervention. Seeing those people open up so deeply like that on TV, and then to overcome their monster. That really made me want to help myself. I found myself rooting for them to choose treatment, crying when they did, and deep down inside knowing I had to make that choice too.
Thanks again for just reading my words.
Just another day...
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 274
I love watching Intervention...havent got to see it lately tho..i dont know when it is on and we(my son and I) are now watching house hunters, house hunters international and animal cops(all of them esp. the philadelphia one..lol) hubby is gone hunting so we get to watch our shows on the big tv! lmao Love Metallica too, havent listened to their latest music tho. Didnt Aerosmith get cleaned up too? I wish Guns n Roses did before they disappeared. Some artists did some great stuff when they were high...but if they are truely talented, they will continue making great stuff sober. Good inspiration! I will have to go get Metallica's latest CD.
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Originally Posted by Fiona630
I love watching Intervention...havent got to see it lately tho..i dont know when it is on and we(my son and I) are now watching house hunters, house hunters international and animal cops(all of them esp. the philadelphia one..lol) hubby is gone hunting so we get to watch our shows on the big tv! lmao Love Metallica too, havent listened to their latest music tho. Didnt Aerosmith get cleaned up too? I wish Guns n Roses did before they disappeared. Some artists did some great stuff when they were high...but if they are truely talented, they will continue making great stuff sober. Good inspiration! I will have to go get Metallica's latest CD.
The End Of The Line (this song is a lot like Master of Puppets, lyrically and structurally)
Need... More and more
Tainted misery.
Bleed... Battle scars
Chemical affinity.
Reign... Legacy
Innocence corrode.
Stain... Rot away
Catatonic overload.
Choke... Asphyxia
Snuff reality.
Scorch... Kill the light
Incinerate celebrity.
Reaper... Butchery
Karma amputee.
Bloodline... Redefine
Death contagious deity.
Hooked into this deceiver
Need more and more
Into the endless fever
Need more and more
New consequence machine
You've burned through all your gasoline.
Asylum overtime
Nevermind...
You've reached the end of the line.
Time... Choke the clock
Steal another day.
Die... Faithfully
Narcissistic fade away.
Twisted... Jump the rail
Shatter the crowd below.
Breaker... Chase the ghost
Latest high to all time low.
Hooked into this deceiver
Need more and more
Into the endless fever
Need more and more
New consequence machine
You've burned through all your gasoline.
Asylum overtime
Nevermind...
You've reached the end of the line.
Drop the hourglass of time
Spilling sand we will not find
As we gather here today
We bid farewell...
The slave becomes the master.
The slave becomes the master.
The slave becomes the master.
The slave becomes the master
Need more and more
Right now and ever after
Need more and more
New consequence machine
You've burned through all your gasoline.
Asylum overtime
Nevermind...
Dead hourglass of time
Sand we will not ever find
We gather here today
Say goodbye
Cause you've reached the end of the line
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Waking up tp Day 4 today with the lyrics of this song stuck in my head, like a warning that I draw strength from.
That Was Just Your Life by Metallica from Death Magnetic
Like a siren in my head that always threatens to repeat,
Like a blind man that is strapped into the speeding driver's seat,
Like a face that learned to speak, when all it knew was how to fight,
Like a misery that keeps me focused though I've gone astray,
Like an endless nightmare that I must awaken from each day.
Like Conviction,
A premonition,
Not worthy of so I deny ...... I deny.
I blind my eyes and try to force it all into place,
I stitch them up, see not my fall from grace.
I blind my eyes, I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye.
Almost like your life,
Almost like your endless fight,
Curse, the day is long,
Realize you don't belong,
Disconnect somehow,
Never stop the bleeding now,
Almost like your fight,
And there it went,
Almost like your life.
Like a wound that keeps on bleeding to remind me not to think,
Like a raging river drowning when I only need a drink,
Like a poison that I swallow, but I want the world to die.
Like a release from prison that I didn't know I was in,
Like a fight to live the past I prayed to leave from way back then,
Like a general without a mission until the war will start again ...... start again.
I blind my eyes and try to force it all into place,
I stitch them up, see not my fall from grace.
I blind my eyes, I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye.
Almost like your life,
Almost like your endless fight,
Curse, the day is long,
Realize you don't belong,
Disconnect somehow,
Never stop the bleeding now,
Almost like your fight,
And there it went,
Almost like your life.
Like a touch from hell to feel how hot that it can get if I get caught,
Like a strike from heaven to reprieve that brings you straight down to your knees,
Almost like your life,
Almost like your endless fight,
Curse, the day is long,
Realize you don't belong,
Disconnect somehow,
Never stop the bleeding now,
Almost like your fight,
And there it went,
Almost like your life.
That was just your life!!
That Was Just Your Life by Metallica from Death Magnetic
Like a siren in my head that always threatens to repeat,
Like a blind man that is strapped into the speeding driver's seat,
Like a face that learned to speak, when all it knew was how to fight,
Like a misery that keeps me focused though I've gone astray,
Like an endless nightmare that I must awaken from each day.
Like Conviction,
A premonition,
Not worthy of so I deny ...... I deny.
I blind my eyes and try to force it all into place,
I stitch them up, see not my fall from grace.
I blind my eyes, I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye.
Almost like your life,
Almost like your endless fight,
Curse, the day is long,
Realize you don't belong,
Disconnect somehow,
Never stop the bleeding now,
Almost like your fight,
And there it went,
Almost like your life.
Like a wound that keeps on bleeding to remind me not to think,
Like a raging river drowning when I only need a drink,
Like a poison that I swallow, but I want the world to die.
Like a release from prison that I didn't know I was in,
Like a fight to live the past I prayed to leave from way back then,
Like a general without a mission until the war will start again ...... start again.
I blind my eyes and try to force it all into place,
I stitch them up, see not my fall from grace.
I blind my eyes, I hide and feel it passing me by,
I open just in time to say goodbye.
Almost like your life,
Almost like your endless fight,
Curse, the day is long,
Realize you don't belong,
Disconnect somehow,
Never stop the bleeding now,
Almost like your fight,
And there it went,
Almost like your life.
Like a touch from hell to feel how hot that it can get if I get caught,
Like a strike from heaven to reprieve that brings you straight down to your knees,
Almost like your life,
Almost like your endless fight,
Curse, the day is long,
Realize you don't belong,
Disconnect somehow,
Never stop the bleeding now,
Almost like your fight,
And there it went,
Almost like your life.
That was just your life!!
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Hi Getr, welcome to SR. Lots of support and encouragement here.
I'm really glad you decided to come clean and talk about what's going on with you. Your descriptions are very eloquent, and I'm betting a lot of us can relate with most of the stuff you've described (my bottom was very similar to your experience).
Getting things out in the open is healthy. It's certainly not rambling or anything like that
Addiction doesn't just spontaneously happen (that's just my personal opinion), and one of the ways to heal is to sober up and then get real about what's really going on. Seems to me that you're doing just that.
I look forward to hearing more from you
Good luck!
PS. Check out the music thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...please-14.html You can post youtube videos there if you like. I like your taste in music... Sadly, most people don't care much for mine
I'm really glad you decided to come clean and talk about what's going on with you. Your descriptions are very eloquent, and I'm betting a lot of us can relate with most of the stuff you've described (my bottom was very similar to your experience).
Getting things out in the open is healthy. It's certainly not rambling or anything like that
Addiction doesn't just spontaneously happen (that's just my personal opinion), and one of the ways to heal is to sober up and then get real about what's really going on. Seems to me that you're doing just that.I look forward to hearing more from you
Good luck!PS. Check out the music thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...please-14.html You can post youtube videos there if you like. I like your taste in music... Sadly, most people don't care much for mine
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi and Welcome,
I was just thinking about denial last evening and the level of my denial was enormous. My denial was in control long before I started drinking, and adding alcohol to the mix just gave the denial a stronger hold. My whole perspective on life became distorted.
The good news is, there is hope and there is a way out.
I was just thinking about denial last evening and the level of my denial was enormous. My denial was in control long before I started drinking, and adding alcohol to the mix just gave the denial a stronger hold. My whole perspective on life became distorted.
The good news is, there is hope and there is a way out.
Karma Amputee
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Day 5 is underway today. I have been sleeping more deeply this week than in recent years, dreaming very REM but because of this, and not being used to it, actually waking up very tired, like having been pulled from a VERY deep rest.
So many firsts still to come but got one out of the way last night. Went out to dinner with the wife and just ordered a soda, where normally it would have been a drink or two at least. The wife tends to follow my lead and she ordered a soda as well. Still have not yet officially told her what's up, but she's not stupid, she must have noticed something is different by now.
So many firsts still to come but got one out of the way last night. Went out to dinner with the wife and just ordered a soda, where normally it would have been a drink or two at least. The wife tends to follow my lead and she ordered a soda as well. Still have not yet officially told her what's up, but she's not stupid, she must have noticed something is different by now.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Sorry to pry.... Are you planning on keeping this a secret from your wife for long? Just wondering because, as you do know, it's always nice to have some extra support
Congrats on day 5! Lets look forward to many more to come. Keep going
Congrats on day 5! Lets look forward to many more to come. Keep going
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