Guilt: Am I actually doing this?

Old 10-06-2008, 08:01 PM
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Guilt: Am I actually doing this?

So I quit my job today. donated all of my teaching stuff to an integrated pre-school.

And guess what? Before I could finish packing....he came back. Texted me to tell me he was okay. Walked in as if nothing had happened, and he did nothing wrong. Didn't apologize. I didn't raise any fights, because what is the point really? I just want to leave it all so I can breathe....so I can relax and finish cooking this bun in the oven! So now I'm faking a song and dance until I can actually make a break for it. Is this really my life? Am I actually doing this?

I'm leaving. I have quit my job. There is no turning back. And yet there is guilt....there is hurt. I wonder if he will be okay. I worry that he'll hurt himself.

I DO LOVE HIM.

And how could I just be expected not to love him over night? I think I feel guilty because for the most part I am an honest and good person. I don't enjoy revenge.

And so...

I went out and bought him groceries. And filled his car with gas. And bought him two packs of cigarettes. Dear Lord, I am such a codie----but you know what? it made me feel better, somehow.

Everyone tells me that maybe this is the kick in the pants he needed. I am hopeful....but part of me kind of knows just how it will go. And I don't think it looks pretty.

He kept having auditory hallucinations tonight. Said he heard sirens in his ears. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell him......

I am no longer filled with anger......now it's more sadness.

We are leaving when we get the chance tomorrow. Everything is packed but my books, my clothes, and my computer. And we are jumping off into the unknown. I know we'll be okay.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I will touch base as soon as possible when I get to New York. SR is my newest addiction

Love and Hugs,

K
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Old 10-06-2008, 08:06 PM
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you cannot worry about him and if he will hurt hisself, you just have to let go and worry about yourself and the baby, i know its hard but you will drive yourself crazy if you worry about him

im a codie too so i understand the things you did for him, just dont do anything else, just focus on leaving, that will be the tough thing, some people on here say leaving is the easy part but i dont think it is, when your away from him you will start thinking of all the good times and want to run back, its a tough fight, i know im still fighting it

i hope everything works out for you and the baby, keep us updated on your progress :ghug3
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Old 10-06-2008, 08:08 PM
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((Orviske)) - I've done "codie" things before, that made me feel better at the time, too. Most of us probably have.

Please be careful driving to NY, and check in when you can.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-06-2008, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by orviske View Post
He kept having auditory hallucinations tonight. Said he heard sirens in his ears. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell him......
Let me begin by saying "render onto Ceasar what is Ceasar's and onto God what is God's." In other words, LET GO AND LET GOD. If your HP, creator, omniponent-whatever, is trying to reach this man, it is between the man and God. Step away and let it happen.

Have you considered packing a few of the things you mentioned prior to your departure? I had stuff stashed in my trunk before I left. I was out of my house in 45 minutes. All my clothes. All my important papers, financial documents, and blank checks. Outta there. Ready to go. Gone.

You are worried he will hurt himself. Suggestion: worry more about how he might potentially hurt his unborn child. He virtually ignores his son. To heck with whether or not he hurts himself at this point. He already neglects the child he has.

o, whatever your feelings may be, and the time it takes to sort them out ... do an unborn child a favor. Allow this child the opportunity not to be neglected, ignored, and dumped on by this man.

You can feel compassion for the man, you can lend him a helping hand, but the love you feel is magical thinking. "If I love him enough, he will see that he can seek help. He can get better. He can realize his potential."

I wish every single one of us here who has loved, or does love, an A could have loved them into sobriety. Tragically, we lack the power to do so. Our love is not powerful enough.

Take care of yourself and get to a place where you and your baby can be treated with decency and respect.
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Old 10-06-2008, 08:16 PM
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Originally Posted by orviske View Post
And how could I just be expected not to love him over night? I think I feel guilty because for the most part I am an honest and good person. I don't enjoy revenge.
Revenge for what? Just as he is not doing it to you, but for himself, you are not doing it to him, but for you and the baby. Revenge has nothing to do with it.
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Old 10-06-2008, 08:33 PM
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K I went through the same feelings, even when it is all said and done, I still do honey. It isn't about love, it is about saving your self and your child.

I completely agree with Prodigal, before I left I had at least a weeks worth of the bare necessities in the car ready to go. Not easy to do since I drive a Camaro but it gave me peace of mind knowing that if I had to me and the baby girl could be out the door in a split second and we had enough to get us through work and school for a week. My friend even asked if I was living in my car when I gave her a ride home from work lol.

I am not going to tell you not to feel bad about it, it is not like you flip a switch and you are suddenly all better, it doesn't work that way. I felt and still feel sorry for R but in the grand scheme of things none of my feelings were enough to make him feel cared for. It takes time but you are learning the only one you can take care of is you and lil kid. In time you will learn that you and lil kid are the only ones you should be taking care of. Love and hugs K, get to NY safe. I will be praying for you.
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Old 10-07-2008, 04:51 AM
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K, I'm going thru this as I write. I left my AH almost two months ago, did all the "codie" things to like pay half the rent, leave groceries, furniture etc. He'd been alone a week and was introducing his "new" girlfriend to my friends in the building. I've since found out that he has been seeing her for years. I had no idea.

But, that is not my problem. It has been very painful but I'm having good days now. I have developed a circle of supportive friends, taken up yoga, "nesting" in my new home, all positive things for ME. The days/hours that I think about him, what we had (separating the reality with the fantasy) are becoming less painful. I'm not obsessing like I did a short time ago. I've also realizing that this is the best thing for me - I believe that now, in my heart and in my mind.

Be strong for yourself and your new child. You are doing the best you can.
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:18 AM
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I have been following your story and I admire your strength. I am a codie, too, so I understand those guilt feelings all to well. That is when you need to stop and remember the reasons you are leaving to begin with. Leaving you at home while he goes on a coke binge, spending money on beer, not giving you what you need and deserve.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

:ghug2
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Old 10-07-2008, 09:13 AM
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Go ahead and love him, K, just love him from a safe spot. I'm glad you did what felt right in your heart------we all have to do our best to feel good about even the hard decisions we make.
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Old 10-07-2008, 09:48 AM
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Love does not = sacrificing you or your baby's needs for his wants.

Keep on loving and keep on driving!
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:22 AM
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(((K))) I'll be thinking about you while you're on your journey to NY. Please check in and let us know how you're doing. You're a strong woman, and you're gonna be just fine. Keep us posted.
QT
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Old 10-07-2008, 12:48 PM
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(((((((orviske)))))))
OK the codie in me is only concerned about YOU and that long drive AL ---> NY pregnant!!
Make sure you stay hydrated!
Take more frequent breaks than if you weren't preggers and stretch your legs get your circulation pumping a little!

I'm sure you know all that but thanks- I feel better. ;-)

Orviske, what you're doing is life changing and good for you and the baby! All the tough choices in life are not without their sadness and weight, and I am sorry this man is not together enough to be there for you.

Stay strong, stay focused on yourself and your little one - and remember prodigal's wise words vis-a-vis your abf- Let Go and Let God!!

Safe trip---
Peace-
B.
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Old 10-08-2008, 09:50 AM
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By now you re probably on the road.
Good luck to you and your precious baby girl Have a safe trip.
Sending blessings your way
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