lovesmenot74

Okay ... I probably already know the answer to this one ... but I read a thread earlier today that got me thinking and wondering ... *sigh* I hate it when that happens.

How do you know if someone is just using a lot of drugs "recreationally" vs having a drug addiction?

Here's the gist of my situation with my ex. (I apologize if I'm repeating parts from a previous post). Can anyone tell me if this is typical behaviour of an addict?? Is there such a thing as "recreational" drug use?

When we first got together ... we were friends for several months. I knew he smoked pot - I've never used drugs. In our area, drug use is pretty prevalent and I guess I viewed pot as the lesser of the evils and while I'd normally not get involved with someone who uses drugs of any kind, I had gotten to know him and felt he was a kind hearted person who just happened to smoke a little pot now and then. I also knew he was from a troubled family and without getting into too many details ... I felt we shared a similar upbringing ... over time we became romantically involved.

In the beginning he was the perfect boyfriend ... told me he loved me all the time and that i was the perfect girlfriend etc ... always full of compliments, always remembering the little things I'd tell him like my favourite colour, my favourite number, my favourite songs on the radio and he'd turn them up when they came on ... I was in heaven ... I didn't think guys like him existed anymore ... and I really felt my heart was safe with him ... I let go and trusted in love ... something I'd told myself a LONG time ago I'd never do again ...

We had talked a lot about his drug use and he assured me that he would never use anything other than pot because he'd seen what harder drugs did to ppl. We also talked (over the course of our relationship) about how I felt about raising children and that i didn't want to raise a family with someone who would condone drug use with our children. He explained that he didn't plan to smoke pot his whole life and it was sort of a phase he was going thru ... the example he gave me was that I liked to go out drinking with my friends on the weekends and he liked to "smoke up" with his friends.

Over time I realized that his "smoking up" with his friends was more frequent than what I felt was "recreational" and that it was taking away from our relationship - he would go party with his friends for 2 or 3 days and I would feel neglected - and I explained to him that even when i went out with my friends, I always came home at night and that was my expectation with him - that he would come home at night. I found that he was associating with ppl that he told me were using MUCH stronger stuff and he would always talk about these friends and the stuff they were using etc and I explained how concerned I was ... and he assured me he wasn't them ... and just because his friends did stuff, didn't mean he would. He suggested a "deal" that if it bothered me that much that he smoked pot ... he'd stop if I would agree to stop drinking. Seemed fair to me ... I didn't drink that much and it was his suggestion so I agreed. I did go out one weekend and had ONE beer with friends and told him when I got home that I had had the beer ... he made a big fuss ... but I apologized and told him it was just one. Well after that I found out he'd been smoking pot behind my back for quite a while. He blamed me ... said it was because I broke our deal so he figured the deal was off ...

Now all this time I'd pretty much been supporting him while he looked for work ... and in the beginning i didn't mind because he was helping out around the house, helping with my vehicle, and basically doing what he could ... so it felt fair ... but things started to wain off ... he would take off with his friends all day and night, couldn't hold a job, wasn't helping around the house and getting angry when I got "naggy" about him sleeping all day and not doing anything while i worked all day long. Ya ... I got pretty resentful for sure.

Anyway ... he started lying more and more ... taking off spending days at a time with friends and when I'd tell him that I was feeling neglected etc he'd say we had to work on stuff but I sure felt like I was the only one working on anything ... I ended up going off work for an injury and expected that he'd take up the slack now and really get to looking for work ... but he didn't ... and I ended up supporting us when really I could barely afford to support myself. He started stealing money from my wallet, and things started going missing from our house ... and I'm pretty anal when it comes to knowing exactly how much money i have at all times and I've NEVER been one to misplace things. I started to suspect a drug problem but he insisted he wasn't using any drugs ... then I caught him in those lies ... smoking pot ... but lying about it.

As time went on ... the lying, stealing, and just plain irresponsible behaviour increased along with a NASTY temper whenever I would try to get him to do anything he didn't want to do ... he told me that I was smothering him, nagging him, stalking him (and yes, I do admit to calling him at friends houses or actually going to pick him up from their houses which probably wasn't the most rational thing to do ... but in my own defense, he was stealing and lying ... telling he'd be back in an hour and then not coming home at all ... sometimes for DAYS ... and I was suspecting he was cheating on me because the loving, doting boyfriend i had originally was completely GONE) ... things were so bad that I was sleeping with my wallet and didn't believe a word he said.

He started to blame me when I told him I was concerned about his temper ... he was breaking his own things, then mine ... then getting up in my face and screaming at me ... it was getting really bad (and I'm not one to back down so it got pretty ugly sometimes) ... so we went to the doctor because we figured he had some mental health issues (maybe bipolar or depression) all the while I'm thinking he's not smoking pot ... and he's TELLING ME that his temper is like this because I MADE HIM stop smoking pot. (Did I mention I found out later he was smoking pot behind my back?) I'm reading up on improving my communication skills and he's promising to change etc ...

The doctor prescribed him Ritalin (apparently as a child he'd been diagnosed with ADHD) and I would drive him to get his prescription every month ... this was when I started thinking something else might be going on ... he'd get his prescription, disappear for a couple of days, then come back and claim he'd "lost" his prescription. Now the first month, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he did tend to be very prone to losing things (and breaking things, and not taking care of things) ... the 2nd month I told him to leave his pills at home in the medicine cabinet and he claimed to have "lost them" in our basement (I looked all over and couldn't find them) so I asked him if he was selling it to his friends and he FLIPPED on me for accusing him and told me he'd lost the pills again and if he was selling them wouldn't he have money. I called his mother and told her I thought he was selling the pills ... she agreed ... Then I was talking to my father one day and he was telling me that ppl he worked with were selling their kids' Ritalin cuz ppl got high off of it ... this of course set off alarm bells for me so I did some online research ... the 3rd month, I told him he had to give me his pills and I'd make sure he didn't lose them. He was planning to go to his friends' house and I asked him to give me the pills and he completely lost it on me ... yelling, screaming, flipping over the coffee table, then he took off for 3 days, missed a probation appointment and called me crying because his probation officer told him he was being breached ... (ya he only called me because he was in trouble) I asked him where his pills were and he said he left them at his friends house ... so I told him we'd go back and get them and of course he made up a hundred excuses about why we couldn't do that. I told him I wasn't a fool and I knew he hadn't lost his pills 3 months in a row and that I accused him of snorting it ... he denied it ...

I'd tried to break it off with him a few times and he would cry and beg for one more chance ... and I'd think he was sincere and give him another chance ... "we had to work on things" ... but I never got the "we" part of it cuz it always felt as though I was trying and he was still the same.

He started taking my vehicle without permission, snuck home one night, woke me up to kiss me hello and then took my debit card and withdrew $60 from my bank account ... denied it until I told him I was going to report it as theft and that I'd have the person arrested because the bank would trace it (then he cried and said some ppl were after him to pay a friend's debt and he was gonna be killed if he didn't give them the money) ... he stole my father's $500 digital camera and told me he was sick and tired of me accusing him of sh*t he wasn't doing all the time then took off and tried to get it back from his friend (and lied about it until I went and got the camera back from the friend he had sold it to for $20 and when he got home, I had it in my hands). It was this friend with the camera that told me they had all been snorting his Ritalin prescription and that he was trying to get his friend to put other pills in the bottle so he could bring it home to me and show me he hadn't lost it ... and he didn't admit to that until he was in jail and needed me to arrange his bail.

There is more ... but that's the gist of it ... am I just a naive sucker or does this sound like an addict who is likely doing a lot more than I can even know?

Looking back now, there were times when he would rattle on and on and I'd ask him if he was on something cuz he'd talk a mile a minute ... and he'd say no ... he would stay up for days without sleeping and would sleep ALL day ... (just try to wake him up) ...

My feeling is that he thinks I was trying to control him and that all his problems are because of the stress I brought to his life ... now yes, I agree that some of my behaviours after a while were a little "pscho girlfriend" but as I said, these were times when he had a curfew for probation and he'd either disappeared or promised to help me with something and then taken off, or stolen from me ... so I feel kinda like anyone else would have done the same in my situation. Ya, I know at the first signs I should have bailed ... but his tears and begging for another chance and promises to change were very convincing ... I really thought he wanted to change ... and I wanted to be supportive and help him ...

Unfortunately, once I told him I needed to see actions before I would help him anymore ... I became the crazy psycho person who drove him nuts and caused all of his problems ... how easily & quickly he forgets all the things I did FOR him only to help him ...

Thoughts anyone?? *sigh*

marle

He is an addict and he is just doing what addicts do. I know how hard it is when they cry and beg and seem sincere, but what you need to see yourself as is a tool for him to use to continue his addiction. And when you start to call him on his crap he becomes mean and uncaring. I know because I have been through the same thing with my daughter. The only way to help him is to stop helping him. As long as you are always there for him he has no incentive to change his ways. There are no consequences to his addiction. He won't quit until he is ready to quit and it does not sound like he is anywhere near ready. So you need to focus on you and take care of you. If you don't go to meetings, give them a try. People there will understand and they will help you by sharing their experiences with you. Don't ever blame yourself for the things that he does. Addiction is a powerful disease. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Hugs, Marle

lovesmenot74

Thanks Marle ... you know there are so many things I did that I thought were helping him that now I wonder ... if I'd just called the police, or just kicked him out that time and made him stay away ... if maybe he'd be in a different place right now than where he is. I thought I was helping him ... but in a way, he's right that I've been a detriment to his life ... I made it easy for him to make excuses for himself and refuse to take responsibility.

It's so hard ... he's not even talking to me right now ... I don't know that I'll ever talk to him again (although according to ppl on this board, it's likely he'll call me again one day when he needs someone) ... he's got a new girlfriend and that just breaks my heart ... I don't even know what hurts more ... thinking that he never loved me and just used me until I had nothing left to give ... or that he did really love me once and that he's just latching on to someone else for whatever reason ... all I know is that it hurts ... I'm sitting here crying and I doubt very much that he's even giving me a single thought ...

Some days I hope and pray that he never gets better because I'm so afraid he'll be right and it will have been me that caused him to be this way ....

Other days I hope that one day he'll see what I tried to do because I love him ... and that he'll clean himself up and come back to me (or at least apologize) ...

And some days, as horrible as it sounds, I wish he would just overdose and get it over with ...

I did go to a therapist appointment today ... and got some helpful information and assurance from my therapist but I still can't help but feel somehow that it was me ... something about me that allowed him to be this way with me and that he'll somehow be better or different with someone else ... is that crazy?

Could it just be the combination of the two of us that created this drama or is this something he's destined to repeat over and over until he's ready to get his stuff together??

*sigh* What a hard road ... this is honestly the most difficult thing I've had to face in my life so far ... I don't even know which way is up anymore ...

laurie6781

No, he's found a NEW SUCKER.

Sweetie, he's an ADDICT and what you have described is what addicts do.

Find some Naranon or Alanon meetings for YOU. I say Alanon, because usually they are more readily available than Naranon with more meetings at various times.

You did nothing wrong. You did what most human beings do, try and be supportive of the person they are involved in. However, addicts and/or alcoholics use that and then manipulate it to make you think it is your fault.

He has to find his own bottom. He will first keep trying to find more enablers so he can continue in his p;ointless life. Only when all are gone, might he seek reovery.

Do not blame yourself................................

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Don't beat yourself up, you didn't 'hinder' his journey or 'help' his journey.

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum, and check around SR. you will find some great information here, and some great folks who have been where you are now.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

lightseeker

there wasn't one thing that you did or didn't do that would have changed who he is. He is who he is - an addict. The best thing that I saw in your post is that he is your ex. You are fortunate in the long run that this is the case.

Second guessing yourself is part of our disease....it is what happens to people that live around an addict. I would like to tell you that with him out of your life there is no need to work on your recovery but I sure haven't found that to be true.....It's important to try and use your energy to focus on yourself....

Read all of the stickys at the top to remind yourself of what you already know - you didn't cause it and you sure can't cure it.

Sorry that you had this experience and I know that the new girlfriend bit stings. It's just what addicts do - they don't have relationships, they take hostages. It's not going to last with this woman because inherently, relationships are not possible with an addict.

Sending out prayers and good thoughts to you

Ann

Sounds like an addict to me too. The bigger question here is why we tolerate the bad behaviour and the answer usually is that we're codependent and until we learn better, we are drawn into their dark world thinking we can save them.

If love could save them, not one of us would be here. Saving ourselves becomes the only way to regain our balance and reclaim our lives.

Big hugs to you because it's hard watching someone we love destroy themselves...and even harder watching the relationship destroy us too.

Hugs

jerect

Back to recreational drug use: I'm beginning to think that there is no such thing. It may start with smoking a little pot here and there but the pot will usually lead to bigger things. A drug is a drug is a drug in my opinion. And contrary to what my AH says, you can get addicted to pot because if you can't why does he have to smoke it everyday, and when he tries to quit , why does he comes back to it anytime he thinks his life his stressful? (which is just about every day)
Anytime someone takes a drug to escape even just recreationally, then they are already sliding down that slippery slope of addiction. A healthy person does not take a substance to escape, they read, take a bubble bath, take a walk or meditate. It's just a matter of making a heatlhy choice.

Just my 2 cents

(((((((lovesmenot)))))) I'm glad your here.. I know it hurts that your BF has found someone else but consider yourself lucky that he has found another poor soul to use. He really truly did you a favor. You deserve a healthy happy relationship with a healthy happy person. Take some time off from the dating scene and work on you, work on making yourself healthy and happy so that you will attract that kind of person in your life.

And NO, this was not your fault..... You did not cause his addiction, You can't Cure his addiction and you cannot control his addiction or his sobriety. I'm so sorry that your therapist made you feel that way. Honey, find another one that will not focus on talking about the addict but will focus talking about you. About how you can make yourself happy.

drainedwife

I agree with everyone...he is an addict.....all the signs are there. IM sorry you had to go through this with him, but it does sound like a very abusive, unhealthy relationship and my best advice to you would be to get as far away from him as possible. Also, get as much support as you can by going to Naranon or Alanon meetings, speaking to close friends and/or family members who you can trust and who will support you (they may not understand fully what you're going through, but by not isolating yourself and by being with ones who care about you, you will feel better) and also maybe consider seeing a therapist who can help you work on you.

Feel lucky that you can easily get away from him without any commitments standing in your way. You owe him nothing...he has treated you very badly and you deserve so much more. Im glad you are reaching out on this forum because there are alot of very knowledgeable people here who know exactly how you are feeling and they can offer their expertise on the situation. He absolutly is not using recreationally, (if there is such a thing, i dont think so.) My ah used the same term....and it just down plays the situation. He is a very sick person and needs professional help, but it is NOT YOUR JOB to help him. Again, you owe him nothing....and shouldnt waste anymore of your precious time thinking about him. Im sorry if I sound harsh, but I just wish I could go back 20 years.....its not easy being involved with an addict.....and again, I am very sorry you had to go through this.

Take care of yourself.......

lovesmenot74

This is sort of where I'm at as well ... when I asked ppl about him smoking pot and voiced my concerns, most ppl told me that pot wasn't that big of a deal, and wasn't addictive. Now ... this is my 2nd relationship with someone who smokes pot and I gotta tell ya NEITHER of these guys were very nice to be around when they were smoking.

I also became concerned when he told me that he didn't need to smoke pot, but then blamed me for his bad moods and "making him" quit smoking (remember, it was his suggestion) and all the while he'd been lying about it anyway and still smoking it.

I have also seen how smoking pot usually leads to stronger stuff with friends and family ... and even though he assured me this would never be the case with him, I caught him snorting Ritalin which to me was VERY scary as I had read it was highly addictive. Now I wonder if all along he was into stronger stuff ... and just didn't tell me ... and because I've never used drugs, I was too naive to see it myself until it was staring me right in the face. *sigh*

Sorry if I wasn't clear on the therapist .... he didn't make me feel that way ... I felt better coming out of the therapy but I'm still struggling with feeling that it is somehow something I've caused or made worse ... the therapist in no way made me feel it was my fault.

The lies ... the lies were unbelievable! At first, they were plausible but as things got worse, it was amazing the stuff he actually thought I would buy!! When my digital video camera went missing, he told me someone must have broken in and taken it (ya i think they'd have taken the computer, stereo, cell phone etc that were in plain sight rather than the video camera that was hidden where only he and I could find it). Smelling like pot and just saying "that's impossible" after being gone for 3 days. Honestly it got to the point where the only time I wasn't disappointed in him was when I told myself he was going to disappoint me ...

I just miss the person I thought he was so badly .... but you're right, as long as he's hanging around ppl who tell him it's okay ... and he's got a couch to crash on and someone to supply his drugs, he'll never get tired of living this way. He doesn't WANT to work ... he doesn't WANT to be required to do anything at all ... and I guess because I'm such a giving, caring person, it's hard for me to see how someone could just take and take and take without feeling bad and wanting to change that behaviour. *sigh*

He has a court date coming up next week ... does anyone know if I can find out somehow without attending court ... whether he's gone to jail or gone out of town? The last time I talked to him he said his uncle was gonna give him a job ... and for that he'd have to leave town. I just feel like I'd feel a little better knowing that he was either in jail or not in town here ... I'm so afraid of running into him with the new gf that I'm avoiding that part of town completely and that is no way to live ... but I honestly couldn't bear to run into him with her ... I just couldn't.

caileesnana

Welcome,

Read the stickies above, especially my favorite Let Them Fall. You're not alone, we all know the pain.

susan

justanothrdrunk

I believe in recreational drug use, as in, I believe it exists. I have a few old friends who can use recreationally.

Regarding the individual described, he sounds just like me in my younger years (I'm 36 now). I've been to rehab 3 times since then.

HurtingDad

You've found a good place. I won't repeat what others have said better than I can except that he is an addict and YOU need to get help. Naranon is a good way to learn and change, and this forum will help you. Take care of yourself.

Alaia

I believe recreational drug use exists too. I have friends that can go out and party but they don't need to do it and don't panic if they can't do it.

I also have friends and an ex who are addicts...and its very sad. I wish everyone could just be able to walk away when the fun was done.

outtolunch

This may be progress on your part. You miss the fantasy, not him. There is a huge difference.

And now two steps back.....avoiding a part of town so as not to run into him and the new GF....What's up with this?

As it relates to the court thing, let it go.The longer you hang onto this drama, the longer you hang onto the drama.

The only thing any of us control is our reactions to the events around us.