brightlights

hi everyone,

firstly, just to say how great it is to be here and have such a resource. i've been going to the forum for last two months or so and it's been so helpful so thank you.

my issue today is that i'm so angry, i'm just furious. my best friend is an alcoholic and after years of back and forth, going to AA with her, etc., i told her (in all the wrong ways -- i was crying on the phone) that i was worried about her, thought she was sick. well, obviously that sent her into a rage (i'm judgmental, she's fine) and she sent me horrible text messages tearing me to shreds. that was in july and i was just completely devastated, shocked and unable to sleep and my health turn a turn for the worse -- i'm in cancer recovery. after going to al-anon, counselors, etc, started to feel not as upset but right now, looking back at the text messages and how she has treated me i'm completely livid, which despite being a redhead, i rarely get.

my point is that i'm so mad i just want to tell our mutual friends what's going on, how she really acts. i haven't told her "secrets" but it tempts me so much as she gives them a song & dance about how i'm really judgmental. i am just sick of having to be the responsible one all the time when she can act however she likes. i've had no contact with her since the texts but i've gone from feeling scared and sad to anger. anyone else in this position? (also do to health i'm not able to go to al-anon as much as i'd like)

many thanks,
brightlights

Barbara52

Welcome!

If people I care about come to me and say they see me as judgemental, well, I might act in one of 2 ways. If I really cared what they thought of me, I might calmly lay out my side of the story. If I didn't care, I'd say something about them not having the whole story and leave it at that.

In general, I'd look at my motives before I said anything to anyone.

sailorjohn

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

LaTeeDa posted this originally, IMHO it should be a sticky. It has helped me tremendously of late reading this. And your statement of going from scared to sad to angry reads like a description of the grieving process, can be messy but at the end there's acceptance.

WELCOME!!!

Kimmieh

I am a cancer survivor and the one thing I did right during recovery was to shut out everything that was not good for me and everyone who was not good to me. It was a time in my life when I was finally there for me and me only and other people followed suit (yes, it seemed as if I had to start) and were there for me also. And when you battle cancer, that is the only way it should be.

Can you just totally let it go and not deal with it at all? It's like putting on your oxygen mask first before helping the person next to you. You should surround yourself with love and care and beautiful things and you have every right to care less about people for some time. And tell them, too! "Look, people, it is sort of important that I get well again, so would you please respect that and be nice to me? Thanks. And now please go and get me some cheese cake, will ya??"

Really, there won't ever be a time during which being selfish is this justified. You have to deal with the damn cancer, so make sure that people jump for you! It makes all the difference (or at least it did for me! I spoiled myself rotten - it was great despite all the bloody rest of it!)

Get better soon!

denny57

Welcome, glad you're here!

I had to re-think my "friendships" with people like this, alcoholic or not.

I personally would not feel good about ME if I started trashing someone. My suggestion would be to consider leaving her to the other friends. They will, I believe, discover before too long, the truth.

xAH has pretty much burned up all enablers over the last 2 years, with the exception of his brother.

Keep posting, keep going to meetings - take care of you!!!!