Summer2008

Over the past year his mom and I have gotten to know each other. I know she loves me dearly and has said I am the best thing that has ever come into her son's life.

Recently as part of the detachment process I have limited my contact with her and the rest of the family.

Last night she left me a voice mail saying she wants me to call her, and to be honest right now I'm terrified to call her.

I do not want her to ask me if her son is drinking, because no matter what I will not betray the things I know about him. Yet if she does ask and I reply, "You will have to ask him" that kind of response will basically be telling her Yes.

I don't and won't lie to her, so not sure if I should just not return the call or what to do...

Any suggestions?

Freedom1990

At the end of the day, I am the one looking back at me in the mirror, so I try to do what is best for me and my recovery each day.

What is best for you and your recovery from the effects of his alcoholism?

denny57

You've known her a year. I knew my MIL for 20 years and received a similar call. I said "I'm fine."

If she asks if he is drinking, why not say "yes." (she knows)

veryrestless722

i still keep in touch with my MIL , ive told her no matter what she can be involved in her grandson's life when hes born, only her son cant! but ive set boundaries, shes not allowed to tell him anything about me, and only limited things like the name about the baby, and in return ive asked her not to tell me nothing my husband is doing , i dont want to know, sometimes ill tell her stuff if i hear from him (ive cut contact now) i dont lie to her, i tell her exactly the way it is with her son, i spent too long sugar coating stuff for him, now she knows exactly how he is, she loves him but doesnt have much to do with him, he rarely calls, she hasnt heard from him in a couple months, she hears more from me

she knows if she tells him where i live or anything about me then ill cut contact with her, her grandson is more important to her, so we'll see

you can still detach, just tell her yes hes drinking or no and leave it at that, tell her if she wants to know more she'll have to ask him

Rainbowsend

Is lying to his mother or evading the truth enabling?

In agreement with Denny, if they ask the question they generally know the answer.

Summer2008

That is what I'm trying to learn, What's best for me? I wish I knew that answer. With a lot of work and looking at myself and posting here hopefully I answers to your question will be ones I can answer.

Summer2008

To me doing this would feel like I'm betraying him and his being able to open up and show me the true person he is. I guess it boils down to Trust.

Summer2008

I actually think it's both. However is it my business to confirm or deny his drinking?

denny57

I know she hasn't asked it yet, but if she does, what about:

"You know, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't answer that question. I'd like to be left out of the middle of it."

Or something like that.

FWIW, I struggled a bit with the betrayal side of it. I no longer believe it's betraying anyone to saying they are drinking; but I see the side of not telling his mother what he is or isn't doing. That is his business.

Good luck!

GiveLove

That ended up working pretty well for me.

Rainbowsend

Depends how YOU feel about it. I struggled with the breaking of trust issue too but eventually the lies an evasion became a bigger than betrayal.At the moment you are agonising over something that hasnt/may not happen. You'll deal with it as you feel fit dependent on the circumstances of the conversation.

You might even find it's a done deal if he's been drunk dialing her or come clean.

Blondie

When my MIL asked if my AH has been drinking I always told her to ask him about it. I do this because it puts the responsiblity to lie or not onto him. If she reads something into my response - well, I can't help what she thinks. Funny thing is, after about a few months of this she stopped asking ME.

Mr B

Did you promise him that you wouldn't say anything to his mother about his drinking? If you did, then if she asks, tell her to speak to him. As others here have said, if she reads something into that, then that's her side of the street.

If you made no promise to him about talking about his drinking then how would that be a betrayal? If his drinking is a problem, then the more people who know, the better as you can present a united front. Moreover, helping him to keep it a secret and, particularly, going along with his lies that he's fine is enabling behaviour, isn't it?

All the best,
Mr B.