Summer2008

The time has come that I can no long continue in a relationship with abf as long as he continues to drink.

Every time I sit down and write what I'm thinking it comes out sounding like an ultimatum instead of a boundary. I don't want what I tell him to come across that way. I know deep down that there is nothing I can do to help him to stop drinking and that he has to want to do it for himself, so I have to let go and let whatever happens to him happen.

I no longer can stand by and watch the continual spiral downward, so I have to remove myself in order to protect ME.

Can anyone please help me word this so that it does not come across sounding like an ultimatum and I can stay focused and stay strong.

My Boundary - As long as alcohol is part of your life I have to step aside.

Would the above be considered a boundary or an ultimatum?

There is nothing more I would love then for him to get into treatment, not just for him, but for us. It's the only chance we have to make it as a couple. However I am not going to tell him this part, because then it sounds like an ultimatum.

I still want him to know that should he every get alcohol out of his life I would be interested in getting to know the sober side of the man I fell in love with. Again, wording, I don't know how to put any of this into the right words to say to him.

Ago

Good luck with this

In this thread there are a lot of great things about setting boundaries if you scroll down as well the "rules" for fighting fair

hope this helps

there is a lot of reading but I believe what you are looking for is there

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1935362

I also found writing stuff down helpful so I could "stay on track"

the three part boundary (in the thread)

and:

when you______ I feel_______

denny57

How about leaving the drinking out of it (he knows). I don't think this is working out, I want more for my life and I think we should go our separate ways.

GrowingPains

I came to this same conclusion the beginning of September and addressed it in a similar way to your first sentence. I knew it was an ultimatum, but I was finally ready to follow through with separation should he choose to continue drinking. He went with the drinking and we have separated.

I see nothing wrong with ultimatums if you know you're willing to stand behind them.

Only you know how much you can tolerate and it's fair to say 'enough' when the time comes.

TooMuch4TooLong

It doesn't sound like an ultimatum to me, but does it feel like one to you?

How would his recovery affect you? Would it erase all of the other problems in the relationship? The above doesn't sound like an ultimatum but it does, and please forgive me, I do not intend to offend you, sound co dependent. I will not get preachy with you but recovery is a personal journey that one must do on thier own. It has little or nothing to do with the loved ones.

This could prove dangerous to your recovery. The A is an expert at playing the game by our rules until they get their way. I would use extreme caution in using this statement. I would be afraid that the response would the one I have heard time and again. I promise.

Hope I didn't upset you but you asked for verbage. Quite simply I would say I feel unhappy and I feel that as long as I am with you and you are active in your addiction I won't feel happy so I must step away for now.
Peace.

sailorjohn

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ouched-me.html

I don't know if this got stickied or not, but I'm guessing that you've already had discussions about his alcoholism. I'm finding myself in complete agreement with the thing about the alcoholic being confronted about their drinking being very threatening to that person, basing this opinion on my personal experience. Like Denny mentioned above, you could simply tell him that you didn't think it was working out, and leave it at that.