dchandler0571

Hello all,

I grew up in a family of drinkers. I would say that 8 years ago my father became a full blown alcoholic. When I visit him, I can smell booze on his breath, he's constantly hanging out in his bedroom... where... during once visit I found whiskey bottles (not so well) hidden behind his dresser. There were a couple of times that I couldn't get to sleep because I could hear him yelling (not just talking, but yelling) in his sleep. It's to the point where it's unbearable and I don't want to visit him anymore and I want to take my mother out of that house and have her live somewhere else.

The other thing is that my father has never been in control of anything. He always looks to the negative side of things, he feels the best way to be in control is to yell and freak out and curse and since my brother and I have flown the nest, he doesn't have control over us. In order to feel he's in control, he has to yell or verbally abuse my mother and it makes me sick that he does such things and I don't know how she puts up with it.

I could go on with examples of his abuse but one thing that I find that really stands out when I visit them the house is in shambles every time. The excuse I always hear is that they didn't have time to clean up but I know what the problem is. When my mother feels it necessary to clean the house, he tells her not to. He doen't give her a reason, he just tells her not to because he said so. It's like he thinks he's talking to an 8 year old kid. "Daddy, why can't I go out to play?" Junior asks.
"No! Because I said so." Dad answers.

The other side of this problem is that SHE LISTENS TO HIM and it makes me sick all around. I keep telling her, stop listening to him. Do what you want to do. What's going to happen if you disobey him anyway? What? He's going to send you to your room? Sheesh!

I feel that a lot of this comes from him being an alcoholic. He has no control over his life and he never has had control. I don't want to go down that road. This is why I have embraced sobriety. I don't want to be like him. I just wish my mother would get a clue.

Thanks to all who have taken the time to read this. Maybe I sound like I'm ranting but I feel it's time to crack open these issues.

Regards,
DC

dchandler0571

By the way, you can also respond to me via email. I am open to everyone (so long as there are no spammers). It should be in my profile.

Thanks.

DC

peaceteach

Welcome, dchandler. This is a great spot for trying to understand a lot about alcoholism, and how YOU are affected by it. Be sure to take a look up top at what are called the "stickies" which give you tons of information on being a loved one of an alcoholic. One thing I have learned over the years is the topic of codependency, and how much I have been affected by my involvement with alcoholics. It is amazing how much, actually. Your mom is in a bad place, definitely, but until SHE realizes that this is not a life she wants anymore, there is little you can do to help her other than recommend she does her own searching for answers, through reading or attending al-anon meetings with others who are in similar situations. You, however, can begin your own journey into finding out how YOU have been affected. I think that choosing sobriety is a wonderful decision you have made for yourself, D. More power to you! I hope you stick around and read, read, read. A big saying here is "Nothing changes if nothing changes" and it sounds like you are ready for some change. You have the power to make those changes for yourself. Others need to find their own turning point, but watching you as an example can only be helpful. Welcome to SR!!

TooMuch4TooLong

Welcome DC. As hard as it is to watch your mom go through this she is the only one who can make the changes. Glad you are here, keep posting and keep reading.