crocodile

My husband is an alcoholic. He went into rehab in January for 4 weeks and has been fighting (sometimes unsuccessfully) to stay sober since. He has recently been sober for a little over 90 days and I came home tonight and he was very drunk, he drank a pint and a half pint of vodka in 4 hours.

My question is how do I handle this tomorrow? Do I confront him and treat him how I feel (angry), do I ignore it and just let him feel like he got off the hook, do I try to talk to him?

I'm not surprised that this happened, because he's an alcoholic and I just can't get my hopes up anymore. But I really felt that this time might be different because his whole attitude about being sober seemed different this time. He just seemed almost like a different person this time and I thought maybe this time is it. I know most alcoholics relapse at times, but geez, while 90 days is a long time for an alcoholic, it's not really a long time. I guess we'll see how it plays out for now, but I just need advice on how to make him take the responsibility and not try to blame me or someone else come tomorrow.

Thanks for any advice.

Ago

Have you tried going to any alanon meetings?

The emphasis here I believe is on ourselves, and what we can do for ourselves, and how we can care for ourselves.

The three C's are, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Have you tried setting boundaries?

such as: If you_____ I will_________ ex: If you (drink again), I will (move out)

these aren't to be used as idle threats by the way, boundaries are meant to followed through, they aren't "behavior modification" for him, they are tools for you to learn to protect yourself. If you set a boundary then don't enforce it, it will be walked on and ignored. A boundary is a sacred thing for you, not anyone else, they are what defines you as a human being.

try reading the stickies at the top, and I'm sure some folks with more experience will be by to help shortly.

You sound angry, and rightfully so, but I think now the decision is two fold:

Are you willing to stay with a practicing alcoholic. If the answer is yes, what changes are YOU going to do to make it work, so you can live a happy joyous and free life?.

If he continues to drink, what is your "bottom line"? If he keeps drinking are you going to leave?

Having a practicing Alcoholic in your life can be a tedious ordeal, one that can make you so angry you can't see straight, one that can make you feel helpless, and for me, one that even made me doubt my sanity on occasion, as well as make you lose your self esteem...it can be difficult.

As far as I am absolutely unqualified to give advice on how you should approach him to "make him" take responsibility, and what you should say, except to maybe suggest using "fighting fair" techniques such as,

When you_______ I feel ______

the fighting fair "rules" are in this post about boundaries

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1932693

Anyway, welcome back, I see you posted in December and January, stick around, ask questions, and there are folks around with experience that matches yours that can help answer your questions more thoroughly.

( I was absolutely unable to "make" my AGF take responsibility for anything, much less even see my point of view, so good luck with that, personally, I ended up just leaving my Alky, but I am by no means recommending that as a course of action, just letting you know where I am coming from, also as a sober alcoholic who has been "punished" on more then one occasion for drinking, the most effective talks that were held with me, the ones I "heard" were later on in the day, the ones given with love, even when the person was saying things I didn't want to hear, like "Andrew, if you keep drinking I am going to have to leave you to protect me, I love you, but this is not negotiable". However, when I was "ambushed" and "punished" when I was hung over it was really easy to turn it around and make "you" the bad guy and the shrew, and truthfully, it was great excuse to drink and frankly people even buy you drinks at the local bar over that one.)

Good Luck, and hang in there.

ToughChoices

I used to struggle so much with these questions.

My husband also attended rehab and made a "go" at recovery. He, too, had his ups and downs as far as commitment to sobriety is concerned.

Somehow, in the process of wanting so much for him to get better, I made myself a hostage to his behaviors. If he stayed sober I was happy and relieved (though still a bit on edge), and if he drank I was devastated, angry, and self-righteous. My emotions swung from pity and love to hatred and disgust, then back again.

Ugh.

I came to realize that the reason I was on that emotional rollercoaster wasn't because he was/was not drinking, but because I had become enmeshed in his addiction. I had allowed it to take over my world. I had given it power to dictate my mood at any given time.

The scenario was not unique to me, it happens to almost everyone who deals with addiction in a loved one.
My way out was, as Ago suggested above, establishing boundaries for myself.

I tried, "If you drink, then I will leave the room. If you follow me around the house, I will leave the house. If you try to talk to me while you are drunk, I will not participate in the conversation. If you chose to continue actively drinking, I will live elsewhere." etc...

For me, seeing the drunkenness tended to put me into a tizzy, so I protected myself from the tizzy by refusing to be around the drunkenness. I made my peace of mind my priority and fought hard to protect it at all costs.

He chose to take care of his needs - I chose to take care of mine.
Talking to him about the "episodes" afterward never accomplished much. He'd say he was sorry - I'd hopefully forgive - He'd drink again a week or two later - repeat ad infinitum.

Eventually I chose to move out. Everyone makes different choices depending on what they need.

What do you need?

Welcome to the forum!
-TC