Horselover

I have found when I talk with my family about my sobriety that things have an interesting spin on them. My Mom and I went to lunch yesterday, and I said, "Guess what Mom? I've got almost 5 months sobriety." Her comment was, "I am afraid I wasn't a good influence on you." I felt bad that she felt this way, but let her know I drank with her, but I also drank without her. My husband, later on that day, after being told of my conversation with Mom said something similar. They act like they caused my alcoholism or that the problem was their fault. I can't believe they feel that way. I caused the problem. I am the one that drank in my teens and continued to drink in my 20s, 30s, and early 40s. I am the one that was drinking every night. I am glad I can still remember that I am the alcoholic and without any outside help I did it. Sure I enjoyed it when someone would join me, but it wasn't necessary. I would have drank with or without them.

This board helps me remember the past as if it happened yesterday and I guess that's part of what the f2f meetings do too. I am eager to get past 9 months because that will be the longest I have been sober since I was 17 years old. Kind of ashamed about that, but that's the truth and as they say, the truth hurts.

Just me rambling once again.

Toomutch

Good Morning Horsie,

I'm sure your family means well and that they are only trying to take the burden off your shoulders. Maybe you could let them know that this is your recovery and that they are not responsible for you becoming an alcoholic because they drank with you.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Horselover

You're right Suzette and I believe my Mom just has that motherly guilt we sometimes are BORN with. I know I have it with my son. I do think Mom and Hubby do mean well, but I don't want them to shoulder the guilt for this. "I am what I am!" as Popeye says.

bostonluv

Horselover -

I have similar experiences. I have only shared with one close family member who is also an alcoholic and my boyfriend. They have both played the blame game for my alcoholism and it makes me sad. It's no one's fault that I'm so infatuated with booze. That's why I enjoy this site. I am free to write about my thought process without the blame game. When I say, I'd like a drink people don't start fretting about me and wringing their hands or blaming themselves. So....... we stay strong together.

sailorjohn

Buy yourself a copy of "Under The Influence" by Miliam sp? Only available on Amazon as it was published in the early 80's and is not currently available in stores. 4 copies will run you around 25$ with shipping. They go into a fairly detailed explanation of how alcoholics are physically different than 'normies', in a nutshell, you cannot now or ever process alcohol like a non-alcoholic can, and the whole thing is probably genetic. You can give a copy to your Mom, may make her feel better!

Horselover

Thanks John! When I get $25 extra I will definitely send for it. I'm almost done with the book I'm now reading and so this is a good time for a new one. I have heard that book's title come up more then once on this website. I will definitely give it a read. Anyway its available online to read? Of course, I am looking for a freebie. I'll get it read one way or the other.


Edited: Found it used on Amazon and paid $4.38 with shipping - not bad! Thanks again!!

sailorjohn

The reason I bought 4 was due to the fact that the shipping cost as much as a single copy! There are stickies with excerpts from the book on SR.

Horselover

No, shipping cost [B]more[B]then the single copy. Book used was .40 cents and shipping was $3.99! Oh well! Still not too bad.

Jersey Nonny

The truth shall also set you free!

My "before and after" was similar, but different...if you can follow.

When I wound up in detox, my sister told our Mom, and I was afraid of her reaction. Mom said, "Thank goodness she's doing something about her problem." I would imagine it was a relief for her, since the "problem" had lived in the apartment right below her for about 15 years. After I had considerable time in recovery, the subject of my alcoholism came up, and Mom's response was, "Oh, you just drank a little too much." Talk about denial! But, you and I know "the truth", HL, and that's all that matters.

Horselover

"But, you and I know "the truth", HL, and that's all that matters."

Definitely Jersery. You know that's it. It was her and my husband's denial. I didn't think of it as denial at first, but that's the name for it. Well, as you said, we know the truth.

Hevyn

Horselover!! That's been my experience exactly - such a relief to read some of you have had this too. My mother thinks it's all about her - she wasn't a good influence, she should never have served alcohol in her home, on and on. How do we educate them without hurting them or making them defensive? My mom and I now have a very frosty relationship when we used to be so close. She seems to think my being an alcoholic is through some failing of hers - I believe she knows nothing about alcoholism and doesn't care to learn. She probably thinks it's a "just say no" deal....and would probably never be open minded enough to read and comprehend the book John mentioned. (I've read it and it's great.) Worrying about her attitude towards me kept me from getting sober and threatened my recovery many times. I'm dealing with it much better now, but it still hurts. Thanks HL, Boston, John, Least, Jersey & Suzette. What would I do without you.....

Horselover

What would I do without you....."

Ditto Hevyn. You are always someone I identify with. :ghug3

Well, I have finished listing somethings on Craig's List for sale and hoping the money will roll in. So far, sold a leather chair and ottoman and a Soprano's 1st season DVD set. Yeah Craig's!!

NoelleR

I just wanted to pop in here and clap a few of you (Horselover, bostonlove, Hevyn, and others...?) on the back and say, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." ..... Why, you ask.... (o:

I've noticed a trend on the forums here recently; more and more posters seem to be blaming their families -- their mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, and who all else -- for the 'spots' they're in today.....poor, alcoholics, addicts, what have you. I find this soooooo sad; I thought we (as humans) had moved beyond blaming everything wrong in our lives on our parents (families). This might have been 'big' in the 50's/60's, but we (humans, again) have come a long way since then, or at least I thought we had..... )o:

Yes, family has influence on us as we grow....the upbringing we receive can often affect us in ways we don't even know at the time, but those affects do not include forming our actions (those are up to us, and us alone); there is no absolute 'cause and effect' between parents and their children, and I've been so saddened lately reading posts where some say things like....: 'do I blame my parents for my life today....? you bet I do'..... or 'if it wasn't for my parents, I'd.....' and other similar sad sentiments.

I find this thread refreshing, with you younguns (me being 60+ means that as long as you are younger than I am, you's younguns....lol) taking responsibility for your actions, and where you find yourself today..... GOODONYA!!!!!

Keep up the good work............. (o:


NoelleR

Horselover

Well, had dinner at my Mom's and typical, Mom's husband asks if we want a beer or glass of wine. He knows I have been sober for awhile and he's just being his typical jerky self. Mom says you know the kids haven't drank in almost 5 months. She says it would be good for us all to give it up. He says while pouring his vodka, "Well we are all gonna die someday."



He would be so thrilled if I went back to my old ways. He has said I'm boring since I stopped drinking. Nice, huh? Whatever, still sober.

Jersey Nonny

Who you calling a "youngun"!?! Since I just turned 77 yesterday, you'd better respect your "elders"!

I kinda think those in early sobriety, who still see things that way, just haven't been around long enough to see the big picture. On the other side of the coin, for a long time after I quit drinking, I felt terribly guilty about the effects my alcoholism had on my kids (especially since my husband was also an alcoholic). It took me a long while to be able to forgive myself, my husband, and my mother (for things that really had nothing to do with my drinking).

Quote:

He says while pouring his vodka, "Well we are all gonna die someday."

And, he's entitled to choose his own "poison".

Quote:

He would be so thrilled if I went back to my old ways. He has said I'm boring since I stopped drinking.

You wouldn't be the first to be told, "I liked you better when you were drinking." Whether it's because some folks are threatened by or envious of our sobriety, just don't let them get to you, HL!!!

Fiona630

I know that I do not blame my family at all for my drinking. Its always been my choice. And I picked unwisely! Sure I watched my father drink his way into a couple heart attacks..he is verbally and phyiscally abusive and I have nothing to do with him. My mom married a man that sold coke. She was doing coke with him. He went to prison for a few years for selling.She eventually divorced him too. He got emphysema(SP?). He had watched his dad die of it so he decided to take his own life. Now mom just smokes weed, drinks some vodka and thats about it. But not once did I ever think it was their fault. Sure lead by example, but in the end, no one twisted my arm to drink. I know of people that watched an alcoholic parent and decided to NEVER drink. I know of a family...mom and dad do not drink. They have two sons and one daughter..all whom live at home and the kids are in their mid to late 20's..only one son drinks...he surely cant blame his parents for that. I think people just think that maybe they should have done something sooner to help u. My mom thinks had she left my father sooner than maybe I wouldnt be an alcoholic too. But I dont believe that.

my husband does not think Im more fun drunk..thank goodness! He says he does not like me drunk..which is fine because I do not like him when he is drunk either! haha He says I wont shut up, I talk non stop. Sure explains why he doesnt talk much when we both drank! haha I think if anything I was more stupid..I gave people something to laugh at with my slurring after 2 drinks, holding the wall up down the hallway...oh I dont miss those days.