I need to stop counting

Old 10-05-2008, 07:48 AM
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I need to stop counting

I've been doing a lot of reading (it's what I'm best at!) and I understand that I shouldn't be constantly counting and keeping track of how many beers he is drinking. Really, what is the point anyway?

If it's a low number I worry. What if I have been wrong in accusing him and he is not really an alcoholic? What if he's just hiding it? Two days ago he only drank one beer. Despite the fact that I have believed him to be an alcoholic for seven years I still worried that I had jumped the gun and was wrong about him. I felt hope that maybe he was changing on his own. I searched his car to see if he had an extra case hidden in there.

If it's a high number I also worry. What if his drinking problem is getting worse? Yesterday he had eleven beers. How is it possible that I only noticed him with two or three at most? How is it possible that he didn't appear drunk in the least? Maybe I am overreacting. I feel hope sometimes when the number is large for a few days. Maybe if things get really bad I will finally feel justified in leaving him. I feel comfort that he was only mean to me yesterday because he had a lot to drink, and not because he hates me.

I also tell myself I need to count to make sure he's not driving drunk. But really, is he ever sober? And has he ever once listened when I told him to stay home because he'd drank too much to drive? He always gets angry and says that yes he had ten beers but it was over a five hour period and he had a big lunch so he is fine. And then he leaves.

So now that I've finally realized that counting is unhealthy, how do I stop?
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Old 10-05-2008, 08:36 AM
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I think the post reveals more about self doubt than it does number of beers.

Al Anon and individual therapy helped me focus on my self doubt and the desire to count drinks went away all on its own.
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Old 10-05-2008, 09:18 AM
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Hi Amber
I second Denny, have you been to an Al Anon meeting? It really does help you stay focused on what you need to work on for you.
You sound like you are in a lot of pain and are questioning yourself a lot. Have you read the stickies in Classic Reading at the top of the forum? There is also a best of SR area with some really great posts on Al Anon and working the steps.

Take care of you and remember the three C's-You can't Control it, You didn't Cause it, and You can't Cure it. Peace.
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Old 10-05-2008, 09:25 AM
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i used to do the same thing, guess what it dont work, my husband just hid beers around the house and drank them when i wasnt looking, the only way i knew he had more was in how he acted, yet when i asked him i was accused of being crazy and trying to start a fight
there is no way to constantly count what he drinks, you will just end up driving yourself crazy, how do you stop, i dont know i just got tired of counting and lost the energy to do it
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Old 10-05-2008, 11:41 AM
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I have this same problem, but in a slightly different arena. My ABF does most of his drinking away from the home. So my counting obsession.. I always document what time he came home.

It seems to me like some sort of validation (like what you were talking about) that yes, her really is gone all the time, yes he doesn't associate with me when he gets home. Like one day I'll see some overwhelming number there making it ok for me to leave. Last time I counted them all it was something like 25/35 days he was home past 10pm. I've still been keeping track, but haven't totaled in a while.

I too keep telling myself to stop. What difference does it make, it won't change anything. Yet I keep on. I've also started documenting fights that REALLY bother me. Not just the little ones. I thought they were kind of far in between.. but was amazed to see that the last bad ones were 3 in one month. Might not seem like a tremendous number. But it certainly takes more than a week or two to get over one of these puppies, before having to deal with another one.

I see my day coming, yet I always second guess it. The real timer will begin in 4 days when our second child enters the world. I almost can't wait to see what happens.
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Old 10-05-2008, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
I have this same problem, but in a slightly different arena. My ABF does most of his drinking away from the home. So my counting obsession.. I always document what time he came home.

It seems to me like some sort of validation (like what you were talking about) that yes, her really is gone all the time, yes he doesn't associate with me when he gets home. Like one day I'll see some overwhelming number there making it ok for me to leave. Last time I counted them all it was something like 25/35 days he was home past 10pm. I've still been keeping track, but haven't totaled in a while.

I too keep telling myself to stop. What difference does it make, it won't change anything. Yet I keep on. I've also started documenting fights that REALLY bother me. Not just the little ones. I thought they were kind of far in between.. but was amazed to see that the last bad ones were 3 in one month. Might not seem like a tremendous number. But it certainly takes more than a week or two to get over one of these puppies, before having to deal with another one.

I see my day coming, yet I always second guess it. The real timer will begin in 4 days when our second child enters the world. I almost can't wait to see what happens.
Oh my,

at first I didn't think I had anything in common with this thread, I was always pretty detached from the number of drinks she had HOWEVER then I read this and it was like DING DING DING uh oh

I also would "journal" and "document" the "atrocities" and "her behaviors" in order to "convict her" and "build a case against her"

Nobody cared, I'd spend all this time trying to convince those around me of "what she had done" and "how she had wronged me", and the truth is, they all already knew what she was like, they had heard PLENTY over the course of 1.5 years, truthfully they were sick to death of the subject, and they kept saying stupid things like "so what are YOU going to do about it" and "why do you keep going back to her?"

What finally got through to me, and I tried everything, (if you go to the ghetto at 2AM, don't be mad if you get beaten up and robbed, just stay out of the ghetto), I mean I tried ALL kinds of tricks, metaphors, etc

What finally worked for me, was when I was doing my best Clarence Darrow "speech from the dock" to "convict" this "awful person" to my new spomsor, he finally said "STOP!This Shyte's gotta stop!!!! I want you to write that down, then list why this shytes gotta stop."

I had broken up with her about a week before, so it wasn't about her, she wasn't doing anything "to" me any more....so I didn't have that to fall back on, I couldn't point the finger at her any more SHE was gone...but there I was looping over and over and over "what she had done" "how she was wrong" "how she had hurt me" blah blah blah, speed addicts aint got NOTHING on my mind, my hamster in his little wheel was TIRED.

I realized how trapped I was by my obsessions...it was debilitating, it was awful, it made me helpless, it made me a victim, it made me angry, I mean just sitting there "picking at the scab" hour after hour, day after day, what kind of life is that????

For some reason that worked for me

you know what?

This shyte stopped :bounce
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