orviske

Here is my daily post......and the tone is somber.


I think I have hit my codie bottom. For the past week and a half or so I have been posting nearly every day, seeking help and advice from so many of you kind people. I have spoken with my friends and family. Everyone is saying the same thing. That I should go home.

My father asked me to do it for him. That he doesn't ask for a lot, but this time he is asking me to leave.

ABF went on a 5 day coke binge about 2 weeks ago- didn't come home, didn't call me for 2 days. Lost his job. This has happened for atleast the 4th time in our relationship (I've lost count).

He is in and out of jobs....5 months ago he was a bartender at a restaurant, before that he was cutting trees for a few months to get through Christmas.

I am 32 weeks pregnant and need some stability in my life. Currently, ABF is using pot, and drinking 6-7 beers a night (that is the norm, it is sometimes more). He is not violent, but can be manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive. He of course, refuses to admit he has a problem.

He remains currently unemployed, and is currently collecting unemployment. He is supposed to talk to a restaurant right next to the house tomorrow for a (guess what) bartending position. He is also supposed to apply for a job at a furniture warehouse on Tuesday. Our neighbor is the hiring manager, and told him he would give him the heads up about a drug test.

I was told that post partum depression just doesn't happen in the South....that women know how to take care of their babies. His parents never call me----and they live an hour away. I have few friends here....my only support network really is him.....and he is shaky at best. I am seeking support from my loving family who I know will not only help me get through the end of my pregnancy, but will support me after having the baby. ( My mother had post partum psychosis....I am afraid that I am pre-disposed).

We currently have no money. I find it funny that last week I gave him 80 bucks, and kept 20 for myself. This is funny because I spent my 20 at the Goodwill on baby stuff. He spent his 80 on beer, cigarettes pot and gas.

His son spent the weekend this weekend and while yesterday he got up at 8 AM, he went back to sleep for three hours while I took his son to the pool.

He does have some good points. Since he's been unemployed, he's been making dinner....and cleaning the house. I know however, he'll be right back at the same old stuff once he's employed.

All these things tell me that its really time to start packing. And yet---I am so scared. I don't want to leave. I have been emotionally distant from him....and I know he knows something is up. All I want is to run and hug him and tell him how much I really do love him. His love hurts so much though.

The ramblings of a 27 year old mind on a Sunday morning......

If anyone has any pearls of wisdom about their leaving story....feel free to share.

freeflower

I would say the road leading up to leaving seems to be much harder than when you actually decide to do it. It has been tough second guessing my decision to leave but I am slowly getting their. My daughter came over the other day with a gift for me. It was a picture of my self 44 years ago at the age of 5. I am sitting on our front porch, holding two bunnies, shoeless in a dress and smiling from ear to ear. She said i need to remind my self daily of what that little girls dreams were. Not living the scary life of trying to live with someone elses addictions but to live with hope and happiness. It sits next to my bed on my night stand so I can see it everynight and every morning. Try to remember your inner child and reach for your old hopes and dreams and think of the future of your unborn baby. You both deserve to be happy and free. I will pray for you both and try to send you some of my inner child strength.

ToughChoices

Right on, freeflower.
Pajarito keeps a picture of herself as a little girl in a locket around her neck - I love that!

It's good to help others. To care for them and be willing to sacrifice for their happiness.

BUT....

If your life partner is unwilling/unable to care for you in a similar fashion, the relationship quickly becomes lopsided and dysfunctional.

Start channeling all of that help - love - sacrifice towards the little girl growing in your belly, and the little girl that never stopped living in your head.

You are not being selfish or cold in taking these steps (though your A may tell you this). You don't deserve a life of fear and disappointment, but one filled with delight and joy!

It's out there for you, Orviske. We just have to step through the fear to find it!

Take care.
-TC

orviske

Oh I love that idea! I remember having such dreams as a little girl.....dreams of having a family and dreams of living in a little house with a picket fence and the whole nine yards. I remember saying to someone the other day...."how did this become my life?" It is certainly not what I intended. I know me and my little girl will be just fine. If we decide to stay with my parents, I have plenty of job opportunities in my field, and already have a stable place to live with a friend. I can't pinpoint just what my worry is about leaving.

I will try to remember that inner child, and happiness. I remember being very happy as a child.....and I DO want the same for my daughter.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers,

K

suemarie

Orviske, The only thing that I have learned and believe is true is that he won't change until something drastic happens to make him want to change. You do have someone else to think about too and thats the baby. Your baby doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I am afraid to say this but I really don't think your baby's birth will stop his madness. There is just way too many risks for you and baby to take here,...... think about it. You need to really think about what your future will be like with a drug addict.

I am not saying to you to leave to force him to change but to me it is the only thing that may make him change, but I have doubts about that anyways. You need to find a future for you and baby without him IMHO.

I hope I wasn't sounding harsh I don't mean it to be. I just hope things go well for you and hope you make the right choices.

bookwyrm

Leaving is never easy. I had been with my AH for 18 years. For me, I had to say goodbye to the dreams of growing old together, having children, living with the man I thought I had married. Giving all that up was very painful!

One of the other things that kept from leaving was the thought that I had somehow 'failed' at marriage and keeping a man and failed my AH!!! It sounds ludicrous when I say it out loud, but that kind of feeling was knocking around the back of my mind for a long time - a mix of shame and guilt I couldn't get rid of. I also thought that I could somehow MAKE him see what he was doing to us... :crazy

Finding this site, reading the books recommended here and working on my co -dependancy helped me work through those feelings. They still come out every now and then. Progress not perfection!

Take care of YOU - you know what you should do! :ghug2

orviske

You weren't sounding harsh! Every thought is definitely appreciated! I used to think the birth of a baby WOULD stop it....but then here I am, 11 am still playing board and card games with his son while he's sleeping. Time is precious....and he only gets his son on the weekends. When he gets up, he will want to watch football....and that is WAYYYYYYYYYY more important than a little man that wants to play with army men.

I can't force him to change. I have accepted that. I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I can't cure it. But I CAN CHANGE. He is always saying ultimatums don't work with him, and they don't really work with anyone to my knowledge. I don't want him to change who he is, if that's who he is...I just don't want to be a part of it anymore. However, that doesn't make it easy for ME TO CHANGE, either.

Thanks for your thoughts.

K

TooMuch4TooLong

The most difficult decision I have ever made was the decision to leave my husband and it took so very long. The reason it took so long, eesh. The first time I really knew I was going to leave I was planning to tell him that night that I wanted a divorce. I was in a car accident on my way home from work. The second time when I pulled into the garage he was sitting in his "unhappy" place, he had lost his job. The third time, again sitting in his unhappy place, his father had had a heart attack.

What it finally came down to was this: I was miserable, I was broke. For the first time in her life I could not even afford to buy my daughter school clothes. I was at the end of my rope and if I saw one more 40 oz bottle of Olde English (I call it Olde Wino) I was going to hit him in the head with it.

I finally decided it was time to stop being his safety net, if things went badly for him then he would have to deal with it on his own, I was not going to be there. He actually had the audacity to ask me to wait a month so he could get some money together. He even asked me to look for an apartment for him. I realized that I was not his wife but his secretary and girl Friday. I finally realized that the only one I can change is me.

veryrestless722

first i have a question, why are you giving him 80 dollars and your only keeping 20? if anything it should be halfed, do you have all the baby stuff you need for the baby yet??

i didnt get a choice in whether i left or not, he left me, which is nothing new except im pregnant this time, i cant say for sure i would have left given the choice cause ive struggled my whole pregnancy and now im in the high risk category because of blood pressure, he doesnt know, nor would he care if he did

but looking at my situation now, im glad he left , no matter how much it hurts and will for a long time, im not stressed out, i dont have someone screaming at me all the time, i dont have to step over someone passed out drunk, my stuff is not getting broken anymore, i sit and pray that i will never hear from my husband again, cause i dont know if im strong enough to tell him to go and stay gone, its just not something i want to be faced with, and i sure dont want him around my son, i will die an early death if my son turns out like my husband, i would go nuts trying to help my son

i still have hope that maybe by me staying away and him not seeing his son that he will wake up and realize what he gave away , and when no one will help him and he runs out of women who will then he'll hit rock bottom and go to rehab, but do i really think that will happen, not a chance in hell, im not sure i could forgive him for the things he's done to me, i mean really how much can you blame on alcohol, part of it is just who you are

its not about you anymore, now you have to do what is best for your child and living in that situation is not good for your child, i hope you get the strentgh to leave, even a baby will pick up on your stress levels, and im telling you its possible to be ok even while pregnant and the father not there, ive lived that way pretty much my whole pregnancy and im still kicking (so's the baby, way too much) but only you can make your decision, my parents tried for years to get me to leave or not take him back and i didnt listen, and it never got any better

Shivaya

My AH and I have been together for 19 years. We have two children under the age of 10.

Do you want your sweet baby to be witness to the above mentioned behaviors, and have that be his/her model of what a relationship looks like?

I can tell you, my dad was an alcoholic, and my upbringing was extremely dysfunctional...so guess what? I have lived in a dysfunctional marriage for so many years, b/c that's what I grew up with!

You are smart, you are young, you know this kind of environment is not right for your baby.....if I knew then what I know now...I'd be long gone.

Sounds like you have extremely supportive family, take their support, and go.

I'm not saying that it's easy to leave, but I do know that it is a million times harder to leave once you are married, and you have a child/children.

Honey, go home and allow your family to crowd you and your baby with love & support. It sounds like you are not getting this from ABF. You have to go by his current actions, and not by what you wish he could be.

Again, surround yourself and baby with people who do not hurt you, you are worth it!

I'll be thinking of you and praying that you reach the right answers for you and your baby.

Shivaya

sailorjohn

It is so much easier to accept life as it is and make the best of it - there is a catch however. When we accept reality, and let go of trying to force our will on life and other people, there are feelings to deal with. One of the reasons we keep trying to control someone else (to get an alcoholic to stop drinking for instance) is because with all that frustration and anger, mental obsession and rumination, we don't have time to stop and feel how much it hurts, or how scared we are, or feel the grief of letting that other person go. The reason we try to control other people is to protect ourselves from our feelings - and it is important to admit that. Of course we want what is "right" for them, what is good for them - but we don't know what their "right" path is. Some people are supposed to die of Alcoholism - that is their path.
--Robert Burney

I didn't post this, someone else did, but I agree with these statements 100%. When we are caught up in that excited misery, it's difficult to feel much of anything.

Rainbowsend

The leaving is the easy part, it's the agonising before that's hard. Think us codies want to believe we've exhausted all avenues rather than just a few

denny57

Yep. The feelings I've been having to painfully deal with the last 2-3 years have very little to do with xAH.


I wish LOL.

orviske

Sailorjohn,

This reply had a lot of insight for me. I appreciate you finding it for me.....I need this kind of strength right now....

I don't know what his path is, but I'm pretty sure that his path and my path are totally different right now.

Thank you for sharing wisdom,

K

CatsPajamas

There's a great book out called "It's called a Break Up Because It's Broken." It helped me so much, and I've gone back to it a time or 2 just for reinforcment.

I think part of what makes us codies so GOOD at being codies is our tenacity. We will stick to something or someone WAY after it has ceased to be healthy for us. We want to believe that there is just one more thing we can say or do that will turn this bad situation around and make it good again. We don't want to leave 5 minutes before the miracle... and we love the person we know is deep down inside there... the one we fell in love with in the first place.

BUT, the truth of the matter is that sometimes the relationship itself gets toxic. It's just not working anymore, and if both people aren't willing to work to make it better, it's most likely not going to get fixed.

I was able to leave once I took the blame off of him and off of me and realized WE were toxic and WE weren't working anymore. The relationship itself was broken. I had done my part, but it wasn't enough. I realized I wasn't a failure, the relationship was. I made it my goal to be happy, healthy and whole, and I took the necessary steps to make that happen. It was scary, but there is light and life and love on the other side.

Hugs
Cats

Berry1976

Well all I can tell you is to stay strong and focused.
Your life will turn around for the better.
For me it was very hard to leave, I really believed all the promises and lies and god knows what.
After I had hit codie bottom I just had enough and I left.
And now all I can tell you is that I'm happy, my life is great, and for the first time in my life it's about me and my happiness.

Know that YOU deserve better and YOU deserve a good life!
He chose his lifestyle, now you need to chose yours "it's as simple as that"
So good luck and I hope you will find the strength to do what is right for YOU!!!

Ago

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself no matter what and it will turn out OK.

Hang in there, we're all rooting for ya kid :ghug2

/hug :codiepolice

GiveLove

It's hard to leave because......well......it's hard.

Especially in times where I allowed myself to become isolated, far from my history and my family, and therefore emotionally dependent on my XABF.

And in those times when I convinced myself to stay, I said to myself: I'm tough. I can stand this. If I leave, I'm proving to myself that I can't hack it.

I was also convinced that if I left, that meant I didn't love him. That wasn't true -- I could and did still love him. I just couldn't live with him, and wasn't willing to have a family with him because he'd shown me just how that family would be raised: with neglect and laziness and abuse.

Maybe you've become used to the way you're treated, K. It's become a comfortable warm nest of dirty rags, and just like getting out of bed on a cold morning, you have to physically get up and do something different in order to get somewhere better -- the figurative feather bed with the big squooshy comforter and the family who wraps its arms around you. (I guess I shouldn't presume that's what you want......sometimes conflict is what makes us feel alive, not love & acceptance)

Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing.

I do know that if you stay until the baby's born, it will suddenly get fifty times harder to leave. Those concrete shoes will turn into lead boots bolted to the floor.

If you leave, you can always go back.

It seems like you have a little more freedom in the latter scenario. Me? I'd put Martha Beck's The Joy Diet on my iPod for company, pack a few things in the car, and go for a six-month sabbatical. See how things go.

The world belongs to you. Flex your muscle a bit. See where it takes you.