How do I know if it's worth it or if I should move on?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: san diego, california
Posts: 29
How do I know if it's worth it or if I should move on?
My boyfriend is an alcoholic and just fell off the wagon after 2 months sobriety. My friends think I am crazy for sticking with him, but they have no idea how much we truly love eachother. Both of his parents are alcoholics but have been clean for 14 years, and are more in love than ever. So, I know it is possible to have that happily ever after even with someone who's an alcoholic. He says this is his rock bottom and he finally gets it. I want to believe him but I am just scared. Any advice for a very confused girl? Would I be better off walking? I'm only 26 and I know that timing is everything, so maybe it will work for us later in life? But then again, I'd be so sad without him and there's noone else I want to be with! aaaggghhh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: san diego, california
Posts: 29
What does that mean though? since relapsing on Tuesday he is back in treatment and not drinking, nor wants to. What amount of time does one need, and can't I be there while he is getting better? He is in Phoenix and Im in San Diego for the next 2 months or so, so its not like we see eachother anyways. And ya, I really want kids, and even more so, kids with him. Thanks for your response!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Can you give us more details? How long have you been dating? what made him try to get sober? is this his first time getting sober? What do his parents have to say about you two as a couple and his sobriety? Are his parents "In Recovery" or just not drink? I don't think anyone will actually give you any "advice" it's up to you to make your own decisions but more information will allow people to share their own experience strength and hope.
Good luck though, I think you will find many people here who have been in your shoes, and will be able to offer insights from their own life.
Good luck though, I think you will find many people here who have been in your shoes, and will be able to offer insights from their own life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: san diego, california
Posts: 29
We've been together for a year and he wanted to get sober because he just realized he had a problem and wants more for himself out of life and to build a life with me. He was sober for 10 years because his parents put him in treatment when he was like 19 cuz he was partying, etc. He ended up being a counselor for the program which ended up being kinda cult like- maybe youve heard of it, Crossroads w/ this crazy guy Bob Meehan. He left the program 2 years ago, and left his sober life as well.His parents are very active in recovery and go to daily AA meetings, etc. They support us being together because I think I have been somewhat of a good influence and they can see how much we love eachother. Hope that paints a better picture! Thanks for taking interest and time to reply!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
All I can say then is stay supportive while he's in the treatment center, but meanwhile take care of yourself, maybe go check out some alanon meetings.
If he did in fact make the choice himself to get sober again, he has a good chance IMO, as someone who got sober young, with long term sobriety under my belt...sometimes we just need to do some more "research", the danger is, research is like dancing with an 800 pound Gorilla, you aint done dancing till the Gorilla says it's over, and sometimes that "door" in AA that "swings both ways" don't just open up magically to let you back in just you want it to always. The disease is cunning baffling and powerful.
However, everything is hopeful, he did check himself in, he does have a working knowledge of sobriety, now you wait, difficult, but there it is.
I saw on another thread people wrote out their "boundaries" so maybe go to alanon, work the steps yourself, because you are dating an alcoholic, and self knowledge and improvement is never a bad idea, but write out YOUR boundaries what YOU want in YOUR life.
AS in, if he drinks I will _____
or
Hell I don't know, they are YOUR boundaries
Anyway, I am getting WAY out of my league here, giving advice like I know what I am talking about, stick to the ladies, keep asking questions, and find somebody who "has what you want" (that means a spiritual way of looking at and dealing with things, not a sober husband, a swimming pool and 2.5 kids) and find out how she did it
Good luck, and welcome to SR
If he did in fact make the choice himself to get sober again, he has a good chance IMO, as someone who got sober young, with long term sobriety under my belt...sometimes we just need to do some more "research", the danger is, research is like dancing with an 800 pound Gorilla, you aint done dancing till the Gorilla says it's over, and sometimes that "door" in AA that "swings both ways" don't just open up magically to let you back in just you want it to always. The disease is cunning baffling and powerful.
However, everything is hopeful, he did check himself in, he does have a working knowledge of sobriety, now you wait, difficult, but there it is.
I saw on another thread people wrote out their "boundaries" so maybe go to alanon, work the steps yourself, because you are dating an alcoholic, and self knowledge and improvement is never a bad idea, but write out YOUR boundaries what YOU want in YOUR life.
AS in, if he drinks I will _____
or
Hell I don't know, they are YOUR boundaries
Anyway, I am getting WAY out of my league here, giving advice like I know what I am talking about, stick to the ladies, keep asking questions, and find somebody who "has what you want" (that means a spiritual way of looking at and dealing with things, not a sober husband, a swimming pool and 2.5 kids) and find out how she did it
Good luck, and welcome to SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: san diego, california
Posts: 29
Thanks so much for your response- it totally made me feel much better! I went to an alanon meeting 2 months ago when he 1st entered rehab. It was cool I guess because being 26, my friends arent really the ones you go to 4 this kinda stuff, they are more the ones u go have a drink with! What I dont understand, is why do I have to do the steps, and does that make me a hypocrite if I have a drink here and there ( oviously never in front of him!)? I am going to give it another shot cuz i heard u should try a couple of meetings and find one that suits you best. Well, we'll see I guess!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Alanon can be helpful to you for a number of reasons:
First, the purely self serving selfish one (for me) it will give you a format to communicate with him, step 10 is the most effective tool for communication I have ever learned, and if you "work" the steps, you not only will receive the rewards they offer, but have something in common with him to talk about, and have "common ground" to communicate with him.
Second, you work the steps in Alanon not to quit drinking, but with the emphasis on yourself, I will let an experienced alanoner explain that though.
Third, because you will meet people there that are sharing a common experience where you will find a support group of people going through the same thing you are, and quite probably, be able to find a "double winner" which is a sober alcoholic in alanon, possibly with a sober husband, who will be able to give you BOTH sides of any issues you encounter.
Being in a healthy relationship takes WORK, it takes HARD WORK in my experience, it's like a garden you have to tend, pull the weeds, water the flowers, nurture the plants, it aint just gonna get all magically better just because he gets sober, it might even get really difficult, early sobriety is a difficult time, you're gonna need all the help you can get, and that's IF he gets sober, if you really love him, and more importantly love yourself, like I said, any self knowledge and self improvement is NEVER a bad thing.
Give yourself every chance to make this work, then if it doesn't, you will be able to say "I did my best" and mean it, and walk away feeling good about yourself, trust me, there's nothing worse then falling in love then blowing it because you didn't have the tools to make it work, and when you look in the mirror, KNOW there was something else you could have done.
Once again, I''m not a therapist, or even very smart, take what you like, leave the rest, and listen to the women here with more experience then I have.
Good luck
First, the purely self serving selfish one (for me) it will give you a format to communicate with him, step 10 is the most effective tool for communication I have ever learned, and if you "work" the steps, you not only will receive the rewards they offer, but have something in common with him to talk about, and have "common ground" to communicate with him.
Second, you work the steps in Alanon not to quit drinking, but with the emphasis on yourself, I will let an experienced alanoner explain that though.
Third, because you will meet people there that are sharing a common experience where you will find a support group of people going through the same thing you are, and quite probably, be able to find a "double winner" which is a sober alcoholic in alanon, possibly with a sober husband, who will be able to give you BOTH sides of any issues you encounter.
Being in a healthy relationship takes WORK, it takes HARD WORK in my experience, it's like a garden you have to tend, pull the weeds, water the flowers, nurture the plants, it aint just gonna get all magically better just because he gets sober, it might even get really difficult, early sobriety is a difficult time, you're gonna need all the help you can get, and that's IF he gets sober, if you really love him, and more importantly love yourself, like I said, any self knowledge and self improvement is NEVER a bad thing.
Give yourself every chance to make this work, then if it doesn't, you will be able to say "I did my best" and mean it, and walk away feeling good about yourself, trust me, there's nothing worse then falling in love then blowing it because you didn't have the tools to make it work, and when you look in the mirror, KNOW there was something else you could have done.
Once again, I''m not a therapist, or even very smart, take what you like, leave the rest, and listen to the women here with more experience then I have.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by veruca211 
. My friends think I am crazy for sticking with him, but they have no idea how much we truly love eachother.
Any advice for a very confused girl? Would I be better off walking? I'm only 26 and I know that timing is everything, so maybe it will work for us later in life? But then again, I'd be so sad without him and there's noone else I want to be with! aaaggghhh
Any advice for a very confused girl? Would I be better off walking? I'm only 26 and I know that timing is everything, so maybe it will work for us later in life? But then again, I'd be so sad without him and there's noone else I want to be with! aaaggghhh
man you sound so much like me when i first got with my husband, i was the same way , no one gets how much we love each other, this and that, and now after 6 years of marriage, 3 separations, im a month away from having my first child and hes no where to be found. He was and is the only man i wanted kids with and the only man i could picture my life with , yet right now hes living with another woman, not the first time hes done it, he lived with another woman in 2006, even bought her an engagement ring, and i had all the hopes you seem to have
if i were you i would quit worryin so much about him, thats usually everyones downfall, and worry about yourself , and if and when he gets better , then you can continue your relationship, you need to let him do it on his own, dont be there to "help" him, my biggest downfall was forgetting about myself and focusing only on him and helping him, i didnt get anything but a broken heart for all of my efforts, its simply not worth it, and you sure dont want any kids with him while hes drinking
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Oh, for the crystal ball!
Will he stay sober?
Will we be happy together?
I wanted to know the answer to these questions, too.
Getting comfortable with the "not-knowing" was one of the keys to accepting my situation and making the right moves to improve my life.
No one can know if your ABF will stick with recovery -
But - letting him show you his determination over a period of time may help you feel more confident in sharing your life with him.
If I saw 6 months to 1 year of committed sobriety, I would feel better about making plans for the future.
You can make the plans before you see the commitment, but many of us have walked that path and wound up with a big dose of disappointment.
Take care.
-TC
Will he stay sober?
Will we be happy together?
I wanted to know the answer to these questions, too.
Getting comfortable with the "not-knowing" was one of the keys to accepting my situation and making the right moves to improve my life.
No one can know if your ABF will stick with recovery -
But - letting him show you his determination over a period of time may help you feel more confident in sharing your life with him.
If I saw 6 months to 1 year of committed sobriety, I would feel better about making plans for the future.
You can make the plans before you see the commitment, but many of us have walked that path and wound up with a big dose of disappointment.
Take care.
-TC
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: san diego, california
Posts: 29
Thanks guys for all the advice. I think you are right and the best thing I can do is stop obsessing over it all and focus on myself. I can't predict the future, I can only focus on the future. And being a Realtor in this economy- there is plenty to focus on, like trying to sell a damn house! haha Anyways, I think the best, yet hardest thing is to kinda just remove myself from the situation. I can't keep crying the same tears of sadness and frustration. Love should not be this hard. So, if later down the road he's clean and doing well, if it works then it works then. But I just can't do much more. Im not too naive, so I know this is really going to be hard and hurt because of how much I do love him. But being married with kids to an alcoholic would be far more painful! so I guess Im ready to listen to you guys and realize I just need to focus on me now! Should I still go to al-anon?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
A resounding Yes!!! Go to Al Anon, it helps. I know what you mean girl, I let my license lapse because I could see no good reason for keeping it. Focus on you, and yes Al Anon will help with that. I am a huge fan of the literature myself. I learned so much from it. Peace girl.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
