ToughChoices

My Ah and I are separated, and, for the time being, we have agreed not to see other people. I'm not interested in beginning another relationship, but I'm going BONKERS on a physical level.

This morning I was reading another thread about drunken groping and how it was a total turnoff, and I actually sighed a little.

That's right, folks. A wistful sigh.

Not that I really want stinky, disrespectful sex with a drunken partner - just that, I'm afraid I'm getting to the point where I am SO starved for sexual attention that even that scenario doesn't sound terrible.

For a long time in my marriage, I used sex to reassure myself that things were going to be alright.
Kind of a -
"How-bad-can-it-be-if-we're-this-into-each-other-physically?"
- sort of thing.

I learned to interpret lust as love - I wanted to be loved so badly. Trying to pull those concepts (lust/love) apart has been very difficult for me, but I've been working on it in individual counseling for the better part of a year now.

I'm looking for some advice.

At the beginning of our separation, I thought it would be best for AH and I to discontinue our physical relationship. In the past, I've had a hard time keeping myself emotionally distant from him, and sex had a tendency to reel me right back into COMPLETE enmeshment.

So I'm conflicted.

I'm feeling good in my new house.
Detached and sane.
I'm not obsessed with alcohol.

And I want to have sex.

I'm trying really hard to examine my motives here - are they purely physical?
Am I wanting to get the "love" and validation that I've identified from my past? I wonder, if I were a man, would these feelings just be dismissed as normal sex drive? Where does my codependency end and my libido begin?

I don't want to risk taking a big step back in my recovery.
Has anyone else struggled through similar issues/decisions?

Thanks.
-TC

TooMuch4TooLong

Do not sleep with the x, period. I slept with my first x and I know from experience this only leads to trouble. I can understand how you are feeling since I could be a born again virgin at this point but there are other alternatives. Let me introduce you to BOB the Battery Operated Boyfriend. He gets the job done and has no expectations in return and best of all you can leave him in the closet when your done.
Sleeping with an x is never ever a good thing to do, there is a reason why they are an x. Peace.

Mair

I agree with TooMuch, keep clear of the X. I didn't once and i sure paid for it and felt really cr-p after ugh. Funnily enough i too have a BOB!!!! called BUZZ.

Take care my friend

Gill

LaTeeDa

Taking care of yourself *wink*, has many advantages. Not only does help keep you from making a mistake with the ex, it helps keep you from making a hasty choice of someone new for the wrong reasons. But, the biggest benefit, from my persepective is getting to know, respect, and cherish myself for who I am. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.

L

GiveLove

I agree 100% with LTD. And it seems we all have BOBs
I know it's not a warm body, but I went back to one (long-ago) XABF for my physical gratification and it really turned into a conflicted mess. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone.

Basically, he was getting the best part of the relationship (the sex and intimacy) as far as he was concerned, without any of that pesky other stuff like tenderness, responsibility, sobriety, etc. He had it made, and even told his friends that. Ugly.

This might be a good time to work on your sex-as-love and sex-as-a-way-to-control thoughts....and to think about how long you're going to put your physical & relationship needs in the deep freeze while you wait for someone else to get/stay sober. How long have you agreed to do this?

Ago

I completely agree here

For me, I notice my stuff "wears different clothes" as it were, and one thing I have learned, is when I am lonely, my Libido kicks into overdrive, it took a lot of work for me to discover this, but the lonelier I am, umm....the... .ummm... well, lets just say "getting busy" becomes the single most important thing in my life.

When I discovered this, I prayed and meditated to have the loneliness removed, as well as got very active in other areas (working with others) etc and it diminished. It's still there, and I was at a meeting last night full of attractive women, and I had to really concentrate, to make an effort not to talk to any of these women, because my motives are suspect right now, I'm LONELY and I hurt, and this is NOT the way I want to deal with this.

I mean truly what do we really want from sex? To be loved, nurtured, held, and let's face it, sex is a drug, it brings you into the present and gets you out of your head.

So, for me, I treat the loneliness. I also spoke to an "old" female friend, told her what's going on, and we are hanging out tonight as friends to help treat the loneliness aspect, just to have an understanding female friend to be around helps greatly.

The truth is, I'm on Day 9 of my break up, and I'm "going through it" too, but for me, I've "been here before" and I know my mind is lying to me when it says it wants sex, what it really wants is "relief", it wants a "band aid", it wants to not feel those uncomfortable feelings, it wants a fix, and it wants it now.

One of the things I have learned about myself is I am unable to have "baggage free" sex with an ex I have unhealthy patterns with. Giving in to that urge means another round of manipulations, abandonment, losing my temper, lowered self esteem, and generally going crazy and replaying all the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship.

So, for me today, I'm not giving in, I can do this, I have too much love and respect for myself and the women around me to either cave and call the ex, or make a move on a female rebound band aid.

This is all strictly my opinion, and my experience, strength and hope, as well as what's going on with me right now, I don't recommend my course of action, I'm not a therapist, and I'm eminently unqualified to give advice...I'm just "going through it" too and thought I'd share.

ToughChoices

Does the fact that I currently, ahem, take care of myself very well and often point towards a deeper pathology, here?

I'm on good terms with BOB, but he seems to aggravate the itch more than soothe it.

My Ah isn't putting any pressure on me - he hasn't even mentioned it. I'm afraid this is contributing to my concern and shame.

I don't want him to move back in.
I don't want him to promise me that life will be beautiful.
I don't even want to spend the night.

Now that I write that, it sounds kind of disrespectful to him.

Argh.

ToughChoices

I'm really not waiting for him to get/stay sober. I have few illusions about the likelihood of that scenario coming about in any sort of timely fashion. Now that you mention it, I don't know what I'm waiting for.

I told myself that I would wait until the end of the school year (May) to make any final decisions about the state of my marriage. School demands a great deal of my time and energy, and trying to decide on/negotiate a divorce during the semester seemed like a bad idea.
I wanted to give it some time - distance myself from the craziness so that I could get a better sense of what I wanted. It was difficult for me to imagine there being anything left to think about in May if we both started seeing other people during the (relatively) short separation.

I can't put my needs on hold forever - I know that. But one month out, and I'm already trying to wriggle my way into some? What's up with me?

GiveLove

I certainly understand wanting to wait until a less stressful time to handle divorce issues. But it seems your body is wanting to move on to more pleasurable pastures (not necessarily with others, just SOMETHING) even as your brain is trying to "do the right thing."

I have not been through a divorce, but I have seen some that have been knock-down drag-out energy-suckers, and others that were simple affairs with a few unpleasant meetings with lawyers and a lot of waiting in between. Are you certain that your situation will be the latter, rather than the former?

Not giving you advice -- only you know what's best -- but above all things I will always trust my body's reactions to things. Sometimes it lets me know in no uncertain terms that it doesn't approve of the path I'm on (by getting sick, raging lust, blood pressure rising, etc.) And although it goes against the popular wisdom, my body has its reasons for wanting what it wants, and they're almost always grounded in something healthy, like connection, intimacy, friendship, trust, play, laughter, etc. which are all of the requirements for ME for sex, anyway.

By the way, it was about a month after a breakup for me too, and I could track my feelings about the situation by watching the hormonal calendar "Yup, just as I thought, I'm a raging maniac this week"

If you can live with the lust for a deeper "connection" () until May, that would certainly be a flexing of your resiliency muscles. We're not always able to have what we want when we want it (just ask the guys on the forum...)

It's great that you're exploring all these thoughts, and what they mean, in the safe environment of SR. We certainly won't judge you, but maybe can help you untangle things.

Rainbowsend

You've hit a nerve, climbing the walls too. Would never contemplate the exA but after over 4 months the sap is definately rising.

Not ready for a relationship now but some no strings action seems decidedly appealing. Not sure I'd respect myself in the morning though :-)

It's a tough call and no advice, with the exception of ex being a bad move, been there and done that in the past too :-(

Rainbowgirl128

Ive definitely been there. I was on and off with an xGF for 3 years because the sex was so good. But after we slept together i always felt used and even more hurt because none of the old issues had gone away. in that relationship i definitely confused lust with love. so id agree with everybody else in that you should not sleep with the ex.

my advice would be to "date" other people. just because you confused lust for love in your marriage, it does not mean that you will do that in other relationships. ive been with lots of people (dating and one night things) since i broke up with xgf and i havent fallen in love with anybody. meaning...i havent felt emotionally entangled just because i slept with someone. dating around did help relieve the physical need and kept me from obsessing over her.

so my advice would be to change your arrangement with the ex and allow yourself to open up to the possibility of meeting someone else, especially if you arent trying to get back together with the xah. good luck and let us know what u decide.

TooMuch4TooLong

I hope no one takes this the wrong way but do you have a guy friend that might be interested in being say a friend with benefits? I mean, as long as you both have your boundaries set in advance and stick to them it might be an alternative.

I think you are being smart and trying to do what is right for you, kudos TC. My stbxah & I have been split for a month but it has been much longer than that. I am thinking of sneaking into a men's rest room and writing my name and number on the wall Not really but if I did have a friend that would not mind being a friend with benefits I would be all over it. Pun intended. I am going to try to peel myself off the ceiling now.

AmpHusky

I did sleep with the XAGF two weeks after I kicked her out. With the intent to take care of my needs. During the act when she was climaxing she pooped on me. She lost total control of her herself. There are men and women out there that want the sex to be apart of love. I am one of those people.

Don't do it, BOB is good.

ToughChoices

Not that this doesn't sound appealing, but I've made an agreement (for the time being) with AH.
If I decide to change my mind about that arrangement, I think it would be best to inform him of my decision before taking "action". It's what I would want him to do for me.

I'm trying to be really honest with myself about what these feelings represent - it's troubling to think that, even with all the recovery work that I'm doing, I still need someone else to satisfy me.

I think I was hoping that I would be enough to satisfy myself.

What would I say about AH if he wanted to sleep with someone else right after we split?
I'd say he had issues.
Guess maybe I have some, too.

Rainbowsend

Feeling a bit saucy doesn't mean you have issues; if you were jumping in the sack with a different guy every night it might :-)

TooMuch4TooLong

You are being honest and I think the fact that you are standing by your agreement is commendable. I understand what you mean, it would hurt to think the x didn't even skip a beat so to speak. I totally see your point.

I don't know the history of your relationship TC so let me throw this out there and tell me what you think. Being married to an A means a certain lack of intimacy. Perhaps when you say that you would be enough to satisfy yourself what you are really looking for is a sense of intimacy that you did not have in your relationship?

The two strongest drives in the human race are survival and sex. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive and yes, nice girls need it too. What I like and what I am learning by reading your post is that you are smart enough to want to make the distinction, to ask the question of what you are really looking to get.

I am in a place right now where I really can't wrap my head around being with a man right now. My friends think I am crazy and that I should just go for it, but inside I just can't. Something is holding me back. I don't know what it is but after reading what you have been saying I think it would be a good idea to find out the whys and hows of how I am feeling. Thanks for bringing this up, I know it can be hard to talk about for some folks.

denny57

Sometimes what I do to help me discover my motivations is picture another scenario; where the behavior would have to be the same, but perhaps for a different reason.

In this case, I might say, well if I were married and my spouse were in the military and away for a year, 18 months, 2 years, what would I do then? That would pretty much tell me I could survive without sex, even though I might want it - badly.

So, is it worth it in the long run to forgo the sex for the "bigger picture?" It's a very personal decision.

GiveLove

What a brilliant conversation this thread is. Thanks, TC, for a real eye-opener.

TooMuch4TooLong

Denny you rock. You always have such a great way of putting things in perspective.

ToughChoices

I'm imagining my husband joining the military in the first five years of our marriage - before the drinking began, before the depression took over - and I can say, without a doubt, that I would have waited with baited, abstinent breath, 2 years (longer even!) for his return.
It's not even a question.
Because back then I believed in him. I believed that our life together was worth sacrificing for.

Perhaps the reason this period of being "without" is so difficult is that I have so little confidence in our future.
There's a big part of my brain telling me to just move on already - there's no use in waiting around for this man. No use in giving up more of what I want so that my commitment and fidelity can maybe, possibly assist in his sobriety.

After all the alcoholic b.s. - am I going to get divorced because of sex?!!!?