When is enough.....enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
When is enough.....enough?
Okay....here I am again. Same crap. Different day. I am trying to get my life together and I'm falling back into the trap again. Counting those stupid beers and nagging about spending too much money. We are looking at a 5 BR house and its not gonna be cheap. I'm trying to penny pinch. The last few weeks have really opened my eyes to some things. For one thing, my husband is getting more violent each time I say something he doesn't agree with. He hasn't hit me yet but he sure is tossing around the furniture alot. I am still frightened because I have no resources right now to get out. We have SAFE here but they will place me in a home for battered women and with 4 kids to take care of this doesn't sound like it will work. This isn't every day but its getting worse and worse and what scares me is that he doesn't remember anything when he snaps. I am smart enough to leave if things get too totally out of control and I'm waiting to talk to my family this weekend. Just thought I'd share where I am right now.
Do you really know when you've had enough? Or do you guess that you've had enough. Or is it battered womens syndrome again. My first husband beat me daily. This one doesn't beat me with his fist but he does scare me.
Thanks,
2many
Do you really know when you've had enough? Or do you guess that you've had enough. Or is it battered womens syndrome again. My first husband beat me daily. This one doesn't beat me with his fist but he does scare me.
Thanks,
2many
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
2Many -
You said that your first husband beat you daily - maybe this one doesn't seem so bad in comparison but you still are not safe. You say that he snaps and throws furniture around but hasn't hit you YET. How do you know which time that he snaps that it will be you that he is throwing around?
Remember how scared you were just a short time ago? Maybe SAFE doesn't sound all that wonderful but at least you would be SAFE. Do you really want to think about buying another house at this time - that is always a stressful event and can only add to the problems.
Stand back, take a deep breath, and think about what is really best for you and the kids. You and in my thoughts and prayers.
Jo
You said that your first husband beat you daily - maybe this one doesn't seem so bad in comparison but you still are not safe. You say that he snaps and throws furniture around but hasn't hit you YET. How do you know which time that he snaps that it will be you that he is throwing around?
Remember how scared you were just a short time ago? Maybe SAFE doesn't sound all that wonderful but at least you would be SAFE. Do you really want to think about buying another house at this time - that is always a stressful event and can only add to the problems.
Stand back, take a deep breath, and think about what is really best for you and the kids. You and in my thoughts and prayers.
Jo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Enough is enough
only when YOU say it is. No one else is ever going to do it for you. The way I see it, you have a choice. You either say ENOUGH, or you continue living the way you are living. It's not an easy choice. But you are the only one who can make it. This will only continue as long as you let it continue. You are the one who decides where your life goes from here. Be particular.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
You both are right and he knows that I do not want to be here with him now.Its like this unbelievable rollercoaster ride. One day life is great and we snuggle and talk and do the family thing with the kids then the next thing I know he is walking around CRAZY. He got on his hands and knees to all of us today and begged for our forgiveness. I know that he doesn't mean to hurt us but when it comes to the point where it repeats itself the apologies suddenly feel artificial. That is how I know that I've had all I can take. I am looking at the house to rent. I am going to rent it because we have 4 kids and they all need their own space and I think he should stay in this one that we own. I'm looking towards a future without him. I'm getting my childcare license to open a daycare and I'm going to start nightschool in August for Web Design. I have been a stay at home mommy for quite some time now and I'm lost as far as what I want to do in life. Also in August I'm taking the Foster Parent class so I can become a foster parent for small children and pregnant teens. I have to have a plan because the bills won't get paid by themselves so that is what I'm doing. I just couldn't type this earlier because he was looking over my shoulder calling me a tattle tail.:p A$$Hole!
I have some great plans but its just getting them into motion.
Much Love,
2many2count
I have some great plans but its just getting them into motion.
Much Love,
2many2count
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
2many
I find that the "enough" point comes for me when a bad situation repeats itself for the 100th time and instead of my adreneline pumping and emotions rising to the surface I just give it up.
Something in my mind just says "no more"! And what it really is is me letting go. It is often an enormous relief to just look at a bad situation and shake my head and say "I'm not doing that anymore". The phrase "I don't care" comes to mind, but I usually do care but surrender to the fact that I can do nothing about it.
"Enough" is a good place to be. This is usually when I finally take action to look after myself, regardless of what others are doing or struggling with. "Enough" usually just comes on its own, out of the blue one day when a situation repeats itself, out of nowhere the phrace 'enough" enters my brain and relaxes my body.
My guess is that if you are living in fear with this man, then "enough" is probably closer than you think. You don't have to be a victim. You can learn to be strong and take good care of yourself and not be subjected to these angry outbursts. All you have to do is say "enough" and make a different plan for your life so that the situation will not be repeated.
I'm sending hugs and prayers for the safety of you and your family. Please put some kind of emergency plan in place that will take you to a safe place where you can find the happiness and peace you deserve.
I find that the "enough" point comes for me when a bad situation repeats itself for the 100th time and instead of my adreneline pumping and emotions rising to the surface I just give it up.
Something in my mind just says "no more"! And what it really is is me letting go. It is often an enormous relief to just look at a bad situation and shake my head and say "I'm not doing that anymore". The phrase "I don't care" comes to mind, but I usually do care but surrender to the fact that I can do nothing about it.
"Enough" is a good place to be. This is usually when I finally take action to look after myself, regardless of what others are doing or struggling with. "Enough" usually just comes on its own, out of the blue one day when a situation repeats itself, out of nowhere the phrace 'enough" enters my brain and relaxes my body.
My guess is that if you are living in fear with this man, then "enough" is probably closer than you think. You don't have to be a victim. You can learn to be strong and take good care of yourself and not be subjected to these angry outbursts. All you have to do is say "enough" and make a different plan for your life so that the situation will not be repeated.
I'm sending hugs and prayers for the safety of you and your family. Please put some kind of emergency plan in place that will take you to a safe place where you can find the happiness and peace you deserve.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
when is enough?
For the alcoholic, enough is enough when the pain of drinking becomes greater than the pain of not drinking.
For us, enough is enough when the pain of having them in our lives becomes greater than the pain of not having them around.
For us, enough is enough when the pain of having them in our lives becomes greater than the pain of not having them around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Thinking of you 2many
2many, ((HUGS)) to you.
I have read a lot of your posts/replies on this site and you are a funny, intelligent, loving woman, who cares deeply about other people.
Please don’t stay in a situation where you are afraid of being physically hurt. If he is ‘throwing furniture’ around, it is only a matter of time.
My first H beat me often too, and what I tell you next is not out of judgment but out of concern and love. I went to counseling and one of the first things my counselor said to me was “the first time he hit you was his fault, the 2nd time he hit you was your fault—b/c you allowed him to get away with it.” that made me really, really angry at first, but she was right, I gave him permission to continue doing it b/c I stayed—much like the life I’ve led with my current H and allowing his addiction to remain in our house. You understand what I’m getting at here…it’s part of the cycle that we have lived in for so long.
When I read your post I found myself holding my breath in anticipation, b/c it brought back old thoughts and feelings for me. I remember the furniture being thrown, plates, boots, you name it.
Please do not hesitate going to a SAFE house if you have one available to you. Take care of yourself and your children. You are making plans and thinking ahead, that’s great, just don’t put yourself in harms way.
I could go on and on but you already know b/c you’ve lived it before too. Just be careful! You’re in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong.
Love,
I have read a lot of your posts/replies on this site and you are a funny, intelligent, loving woman, who cares deeply about other people.
Please don’t stay in a situation where you are afraid of being physically hurt. If he is ‘throwing furniture’ around, it is only a matter of time.
My first H beat me often too, and what I tell you next is not out of judgment but out of concern and love. I went to counseling and one of the first things my counselor said to me was “the first time he hit you was his fault, the 2nd time he hit you was your fault—b/c you allowed him to get away with it.” that made me really, really angry at first, but she was right, I gave him permission to continue doing it b/c I stayed—much like the life I’ve led with my current H and allowing his addiction to remain in our house. You understand what I’m getting at here…it’s part of the cycle that we have lived in for so long.
When I read your post I found myself holding my breath in anticipation, b/c it brought back old thoughts and feelings for me. I remember the furniture being thrown, plates, boots, you name it.
Please do not hesitate going to a SAFE house if you have one available to you. Take care of yourself and your children. You are making plans and thinking ahead, that’s great, just don’t put yourself in harms way.
I could go on and on but you already know b/c you’ve lived it before too. Just be careful! You’re in my thoughts and prayers, stay strong.
Love,
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
2Many
Hello sweetie.....when is enough...enough?.....I say it is now!
Do you work? I imagine with 4 kids that is hard.
Family is a good idea. If they can help you I say LEAVE!
I understand that is easier done than said .
When you can get away from this monster and you really get some help , you won't allow a man that mis treats you ever again in your life.
Still allowing his abuse and allowing this person shows that you not there yet. Why do this to yourself? to your children?
Leaving is soooooooooooooo hard trust me. I still feel temptation to go back every once in a while. Because we know that these men are sick and they to deserve love ..................the question is..............at what cost?
I will pray for you tonight. Love you lots.
Who says you have to leave the house? why not get him out!?
Do you work? I imagine with 4 kids that is hard.
Family is a good idea. If they can help you I say LEAVE!
I understand that is easier done than said .
When you can get away from this monster and you really get some help , you won't allow a man that mis treats you ever again in your life.
Still allowing his abuse and allowing this person shows that you not there yet. Why do this to yourself? to your children?
Leaving is soooooooooooooo hard trust me. I still feel temptation to go back every once in a while. Because we know that these men are sick and they to deserve love ..................the question is..............at what cost?
I will pray for you tonight. Love you lots.
Who says you have to leave the house? why not get him out!?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Sometimes when trauma hits our life we put the blinders on and because I have wonderful people like you all here, you put things into perspective for me. It really does take hearing it from others to fully understand the consequences of my decisions and how they will affect the rest of the family. I'm letting him stay here because it is small and when we bought it we were minus 2 kids. It was just perfect for the four of us. Now there are six of us. I'm keeoing all of my kids so I need room!!!! I need space because we are literally on top of each other here. I totally agree that we give them permission to keep on keeping on if we keep on hanging on. WOW that is a tongue twister! I was always told that and I hate to say it but I had my blinders on. I'm seeing things a little differently. Things are getting worse again. I'll go into details later when I have some privacy.
Much Love to you all for your support,
2many
Much Love to you all for your support,
2many
~Author of My Life~
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
2many..I am worried about you girl!! Please promise that if anything even close to violence happens you'll take those kids and go to a SAFE place? I mean it sweetie, I know you are in a realy difficult position with the kids and all but your safety comes first, ya hear? Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
2Many -
Something else to consider - do you want your kids growing up thinking that this is the right way for a man to treat a woman? We learn what we see and live with. If the kids see their dad behaving the way he does and their mother putting up with it, what kind of message does that send them?
I can tell how much you love your kids and you want them to grow up to be happy healthy adults. The best way to do that is to have them grow up in a loving stable environment, not one where everyone is afraid. What do the kids do when your husband gets into a rage? Take a look at their faces and their reactions. That right there should tell you what you need to do.
I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you and the courage it will take to do the right thing for all of you. You are the only one who can take the big step but I hope that it helps to know that so many people really care what happens to you and your kids. Please keep us posted.
Jo
Something else to consider - do you want your kids growing up thinking that this is the right way for a man to treat a woman? We learn what we see and live with. If the kids see their dad behaving the way he does and their mother putting up with it, what kind of message does that send them?
I can tell how much you love your kids and you want them to grow up to be happy healthy adults. The best way to do that is to have them grow up in a loving stable environment, not one where everyone is afraid. What do the kids do when your husband gets into a rage? Take a look at their faces and their reactions. That right there should tell you what you need to do.
I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you and the courage it will take to do the right thing for all of you. You are the only one who can take the big step but I hope that it helps to know that so many people really care what happens to you and your kids. Please keep us posted.
Jo
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: walking down a happier trail
Posts: 50
honesty
I think that one of the hardest things that a anon can do is be honest with herself about her living situation.... and then on top of that there are all of choices that mostly dont get us what we want anyway...
Ya know I thought 17 days ago that my lifecouldnt get any worse and today I am just working on making it better... It's hard as hell that he is gone... The kids want to know where dad is, the money is TIGHT and I am hurt, angry, afraid, and lonely but I CAN'T control what he does. That above all else is the worst...
I want him to be happy and healthy. I wish that he could be that way with me but it sure doesnt look like it.
I however am living proof that you can make it with them gone. I have 4 little people looking to me for support... It's a heavy load but I guess that even when I don't think I can handle it God still does... One day at a time stay save and take care of you and the kids....
The landscape has changed here but the door is always open if you need to run.
Love and Light,
Kat
Ya know I thought 17 days ago that my lifecouldnt get any worse and today I am just working on making it better... It's hard as hell that he is gone... The kids want to know where dad is, the money is TIGHT and I am hurt, angry, afraid, and lonely but I CAN'T control what he does. That above all else is the worst...
I want him to be happy and healthy. I wish that he could be that way with me but it sure doesnt look like it.
I however am living proof that you can make it with them gone. I have 4 little people looking to me for support... It's a heavy load but I guess that even when I don't think I can handle it God still does... One day at a time stay save and take care of you and the kids....
The landscape has changed here but the door is always open if you need to run.
Love and Light,
Kat
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Saint Louis, Mo
Posts: 28
I just found this webpage today, and I am SO thankful that I did!
I feel so bad for toomany, she is really in a bad situation, and it isn't going to be an easy one to solve. I was raised with an alcoholic dad, and whenever we ask my mom WHY she stayed, putting all 4 of us kids through what we went through, she says that she didn't know of anywhere else she could go,and back in those days, it wasn't easy to get help! I am 45 yrs.old, and I guess she is right.
PLEASE be careful toomany, until you do get out. THINK about those kids, living the life you live right now, day in and day out. It was HORRIBLE for us, and I am sure my mom suffered much worse.
I feel so bad for toomany, she is really in a bad situation, and it isn't going to be an easy one to solve. I was raised with an alcoholic dad, and whenever we ask my mom WHY she stayed, putting all 4 of us kids through what we went through, she says that she didn't know of anywhere else she could go,and back in those days, it wasn't easy to get help! I am 45 yrs.old, and I guess she is right.
PLEASE be careful toomany, until you do get out. THINK about those kids, living the life you live right now, day in and day out. It was HORRIBLE for us, and I am sure my mom suffered much worse.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Re: honesty
Originally posted by ladyregah
I think that one of the hardest things that a anon can do is be honest with herself about her living situation.... and then on top of that there are all of choices that mostly dont get us what we want anyway...
I think that one of the hardest things that a anon can do is be honest with herself about her living situation.... and then on top of that there are all of choices that mostly dont get us what we want anyway...
When I started into the alanon literature, I read how important it is to create a fulfilling life for yourself, to not let someone else's drinking steal your joy.
So, trying to follow that advice, I sat down and asked myself "Okay, what do you want out of life?"
But the answer kept being "What I want most is a happy marriage".
I kept getting stuck in a loop, trying to go forward, but endin up right at the same place. Because as you say here, we've got choices, but none of them get us what we want most of all.
I kept feeling sorry for myself. Then I remembered that broken marriage happens to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. It's not unique to us living with alcohol. People loose their spouses to drugs, crime, accidents, illnesses, war, etc.
I had to admit to myself that I had a little problem with growing up. I had lots of choices about my future, but what I wanted most wasn't on the menu. Boo-hoo.
Well, I finally got over that stumbling block and am moving on. But, it definitely took a few kleenexes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
2Many:
I have been following your posts, and feel like I've been sharing in your life these last few weeks. I can see
how much you've grown! The others have given you so many great ideas, that I agree with. Sometimes we
do put on our blinders and don't see how bad things really are--I can really relate!
The thing I noticed about your post, is that you mentioned wanting to take in foster children. I've agonized
over how to discuss this in a way that you will see that it is out of love and concern that I tell you this.
I was a foster child. I was taken out of the same situation that you have at your house and placed into foster
care. I see that your plans are to leave your husband, for a time, but with him in your life, acting the way
that he does, making your life unsafe, I don't see it as a safe haven for more children. If I would have been
taken away from my alcoholic father and placed into another home with alcoholism, and fear, I would not
have been better off. I just want to urge you to wait until your life is normalized to take on more children.
Foster children could potentially add a lot more difficulty to your life. They have problems you need to deal
with that are different than anything you've handled with your own children. They cost a lot of money--as all
children do, and the money you get from Children's Services would not cover all their expenses (no matter
what they tell you). They can also make it more difficult to handle the children you already have, due to
jealousy, position in the home, etc.
Please understand I only mean to help you. You have your hands so full right now, with your own children,
and the problems you are dealing with.
Hugs,
Lyn
I have been following your posts, and feel like I've been sharing in your life these last few weeks. I can see
how much you've grown! The others have given you so many great ideas, that I agree with. Sometimes we
do put on our blinders and don't see how bad things really are--I can really relate!
The thing I noticed about your post, is that you mentioned wanting to take in foster children. I've agonized
over how to discuss this in a way that you will see that it is out of love and concern that I tell you this.
I was a foster child. I was taken out of the same situation that you have at your house and placed into foster
care. I see that your plans are to leave your husband, for a time, but with him in your life, acting the way
that he does, making your life unsafe, I don't see it as a safe haven for more children. If I would have been
taken away from my alcoholic father and placed into another home with alcoholism, and fear, I would not
have been better off. I just want to urge you to wait until your life is normalized to take on more children.
Foster children could potentially add a lot more difficulty to your life. They have problems you need to deal
with that are different than anything you've handled with your own children. They cost a lot of money--as all
children do, and the money you get from Children's Services would not cover all their expenses (no matter
what they tell you). They can also make it more difficult to handle the children you already have, due to
jealousy, position in the home, etc.
Please understand I only mean to help you. You have your hands so full right now, with your own children,
and the problems you are dealing with.
Hugs,
Lyn
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Today, I sat down with a Social Worker that I've been dealing with for quite some time concerning 2 children that have stayed in my home due to abuse and neglect from their parents until DSS could obtain custody. I told her today that I felt like my plate was really full right now and that I still want to take the MAPP class in August. I just need to gain some more stability in my life before I take on anythiing else. My husband is admitting himself into the hospital on Monday after my sisters wedding this weekend because he needs to get stable on his meds. This is going to give me a jump start on getting my life back in order. I need the time to regroup.
Lyn- Please give me more info about foster parenting. I love children and want to make a difference in their lives. I really feel like if I can get things together it could be a good thing. Not an easy one but something that could change a childs life.
2many
Lyn- Please give me more info about foster parenting. I love children and want to make a difference in their lives. I really feel like if I can get things together it could be a good thing. Not an easy one but something that could change a childs life.
2many
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((2Many))))))))
I think it was a wise decision telling the social worker you have a lot on your plate--you do!
I know how you feel about wanting to make a difference in a child's life. I guess that's what I'm doing, though, with my own kids. I have 5 (1 married), and I work hard to give them what I never had. I've often thought about foster parenting, and for me, right now, the time is not right. Squinty would be a bad foster dad, and I'm still married to him! And too, my life is so full with the kids I have, I couldn't give to a foster child what they need. When my kids are raised, and my husband is raised
--then maybe.
There are other things I can do, though. I prefer to do little things that make a difference--ie, take a friend of my daughter's shopping for a day to get her away from her difficult family situation (I would never subject her to staying around Squinty's nastiness--though now, since he's not drinking, he's lots nicer), or taking time to tend a booth at the fair for a worthy cause. There are plenty of other needs in the way of pregnant teens, without opening your home to them. Another thing I'm planning on doing, is helping our local Children's Services give presentations to foster parents-to-be, on how to be a good foster parent--some ways to make the child feel at home. I know the difference, believe me.
I'm glad you took my message in the light it was intended. You have so much to offer! When you get your life in order, you will be able to do really great things!
You are still in my prayers--be safe, and peace be with you!
Lyn
I know how you feel about wanting to make a difference in a child's life. I guess that's what I'm doing, though, with my own kids. I have 5 (1 married), and I work hard to give them what I never had. I've often thought about foster parenting, and for me, right now, the time is not right. Squinty would be a bad foster dad, and I'm still married to him! And too, my life is so full with the kids I have, I couldn't give to a foster child what they need. When my kids are raised, and my husband is raised
--then maybe.There are other things I can do, though. I prefer to do little things that make a difference--ie, take a friend of my daughter's shopping for a day to get her away from her difficult family situation (I would never subject her to staying around Squinty's nastiness--though now, since he's not drinking, he's lots nicer), or taking time to tend a booth at the fair for a worthy cause. There are plenty of other needs in the way of pregnant teens, without opening your home to them. Another thing I'm planning on doing, is helping our local Children's Services give presentations to foster parents-to-be, on how to be a good foster parent--some ways to make the child feel at home. I know the difference, believe me.
I'm glad you took my message in the light it was intended. You have so much to offer! When you get your life in order, you will be able to do really great things!
You are still in my prayers--be safe, and peace be with you!Lyn
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