lovesmenot74

Hello all ... it's really taking all of my strength right now to even reach out ... I'm just hurting so bad right now and I don't know what to do about it. I miss my ex ... and think of him every day. It hurts so bad to know that all of his promises and all of the things he said to me were just words. I'm so broken right now I can barely stand it. I cry every day thinking of the fun times we had ... before things went south, this was the happiest I'd EVER been in a relationship ... I felt so sure of his love for me ... and now, I'm questioning everything ... every word, every action has a million different meanings and I just don't know how to deal with all of this pain.

He's obviously not thinking about me or worrying about me ... I haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks now and the last few times he actually DID call me, it was to ask for something (his belongings, my extra computer etc). I feel so used and I'm so hurt. I wonder every day what parts (if any) of our relationship were actually REAL and what parts I just imagined because I wanted it to be real.

He used to tell me he loved me and would never leave me ... I was his "one and only" ... we used to curl up in bed at night and I would feel so safe and loved. I thought I'd found the one person who really "got me" ... we used to talk about how ppl don't really work at relationships anymore - they just bail when it gets hard.

I'm so hurt ... so hurt that I kept every promise to him ... and the very things that he worried I would do, are things he's now done to me. He used to ask me all the time if I was going to "trade him in" for this person or that person ... and I would tell him over and over that I loved him and I would never leave him.

I never lied to him - yet he lied to me so much in the last year that now I don't even know what was the truth and what was a lie. I go over scenarios in my mind and wonder now if really there was something else going on and I was just too stupid to see it.

I never cheated on him ... but now seeing how quickly and easily he's replaced me without a thought or even TELLING me ... I have to wonder about other times when he was hanging out with female "friends" and I felt insecure and he'd tell me they were "just friends" ...

I loved him enough to tell him the truth ... and he hates me for it.

I miss him so much ... not the bad stuff ... but the good stuff ... and I can't believe that part of him is gone ...

I cry every day ... and I wonder if he even thinks about me ... or if he's too busy numbing out to even remember my name. How can he just write me off like this and not even want to know how I am after all we've been through together and after all we've shared?

I feel like such a fool ... I don't even know now if any of his feelings for me were real or if he was just using me this entire time. I HAVE to hold onto believing he really loved me at some point ... I just don't know how to even begin to process anything without believing at least that much.

I wish someone would grab him by the shoulders and tell him to look at what he's giving up ....

I feel like everyone is trying to tell me that he's a bad person and did all this stuff to me intentionally and honestly I'm just not in a place to hear those things right now ... i HAVE to believe that he really loved me ... I HAVE to hang on to at least that ... because otherwise the whole last 2 years of my life has been one big lie and I've been a joke this whole time ... and I just can't handle thinking that might be true.

It's just too much pain ... all of it is just too much ... it's not like I think I can fix him and he'll come back to me ... every day I think about him with this new girlfriend ... every day I think that too much has happened to ever go back now ... every day a million scenarios play out in my mind ... most of them almost too painful to bear. Every day I think of how much of myself and my very security I've lost loving him ... every day I think about how little ALL of my love and energy affected his life ... it's like the last 2 yrs didn't even happen for him ... nothing has changed for him and so much has changed for me ... and I just feel like everyone thinks that getting me to think of him as a bad person or as less human will make it better but what ppl don't seem to understand is that it actually hurts ME more to think those things about him ... so to protect myself, my sanity, my heart ... I HAVE to think that he loved me at least a little ...

Some people have been trying to convince me that he's got a personality disorder ... and trying to convince me that he's got some sort of problem where he can't feel love just makes it ALL a complete lie for me ... and I just can't even begin to let myself think about that right now ... I won't survive it ... I really won't. I don't even know how I'm gonna get thru this WEEK much less the rest of my life ... everything is gone ... my trust in people, in love, in life ... it's all gone. I'm just going thru the motions right now and it's just the basic motions. I want to run away from my life ... I haven't felt this strongly about running away in a LONG time and it's an overwhelming feeling right now to just disappear into the world ...

Last night I wanted to just drink myself into oblivion ... my thoughts have gone to thinking that maybe he has the right idea ... to just numb yourself out with drugs and just let life pass by until it's over ... and the fact that I'm even having those thoughts scares the crap out of me ... and I know it's not the answer but I just can't DEAL with this kind of heartache again ...

Having my heart broken is something I'm not a stranger to ... but this time I really thought my heart was safe ... and I let my guard down one last time ... and I just can't see a way out of the hurt and pain. I know I'm in for a VERY long road to healing ... He told me he loved me ... told me he'd never leave me ... told me everything I've ever wanted to hear to feel loved and secure in a relationship and I let myself become vulnerable to heartache again when I KNEW I wasn't strong enough to get thru another broken heart.

How am I supposed to let go of someone I love so much? How am I supposed to just let him destroy his life ... and destroy what WE had? How can he just turn his back on us like this? How can he just walk away without a second thought? I just don't understand and it hurts so bad.

I just don't even know what to do anymore ... I'm TRYING so hard to concentrate on myself. I'm on antidepressants, I'm eating right, I'm going to the gym, I have a therapist appointment on Monday ... I've lost weight and I'm trying to do things to take care of myself but I'm only doing these things because I know I have to ... I cry EVERY day ... I think about him EVERY day. And I wonder if this is what he feels every day that makes him want to get high and just escape everything ... because if it is ... I want to tell him that I now understand what it must feel like to just want to escape.

I just want him back in my arms so bad ... I thought I was helping him by making him face his responsibilities ... and now he hates me and I'm here hurting so bad I can barely take it ... and his family will most likely bail him out of facing his legal responsibilities and will just continue to allow him to blame me for everything. I keep going back to try to find something I could have done differently ... and I have so much guilt about horrible things I said to him when I was angry or frustrated ... I think of times when he begged me to help him and I was so angry and full of resentment that I hurt him even more. I think about things I did to try to get him to see how much his behaviour was hurting me ... and really all I did was make him feel powerless and like he didn't matter. Why didn't I insist on counselling or therapy long before it got this bad??

I feel like this horrible, pathetic, weak person and I worry that I'll never be able to apologize to him for my mistakes ... and that I'll hear one day that he's died and I won't have had the chance to tell him how much I love him ...

Why can't he see the person that I see? Why can't he see that I love him? Why won't he fight for us??

I just don't understand ... and it just hurts so bad.

Impurrfect

Because he's an addict, sweetie, and that's the only thing addicts think about is using. If they are with someone else, it is usually someone that uses with them or that they can easily manipulate.

I understand the pain, but it doesn't last forever. It may SEEM like it, but keep doing what you're doing to take care of you. Have you tried al-anon? Getting some f2f support may help.

You don't understand his addiction, but you are addicted to him. You're every waking though is of him, you are looking at all the good and kind of skipping over the bad, people are telling you he's no good for you, but you can't let go....sounds like what HE thinks of drugs.

I've been there and it's no way to live. I do think he loved you as much as he could. I feel the same way about my XABF. I'm a recovering addict and I know that I still loved people but was incapable of acting loving toward anyone when I was using.

For me, when my thoughts went to him I had to say "STOP" outloud and intentionally think of something else. At first, I probably said it every 2 minutes.

Find something you enjoy, that has nothing to do with him. It doesn't have to be huge, just something little. The faster you start reclaiming your life, the faster the pain goes away.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

Amy is so right, its nothing you did or didn't do. He is an addict & they are not capable of giving love like a person who is emotionally available.................all his emotions are caught up with drugs.
Since you can't live with an addict ( and IMHO noone can ) you must put this behind you & move on. Like Amy said you sound as addicted to him as he was to drugs.
Stop dwelling on him & the relationship & why it didn't work & what you could have said or done differently. Be glad you didn't marry him & have children.
If you keep brooding about him the pain will take alot longer to go away.

bluejay6

you are not addicted to him.

you are a normal woman gutted emotionally by the cruel and unimaginable behavior of an addict you loved deeply.

do not feel ashamed. we all lose our innocence and our trust when this happens to us. but some hurt much more deeply than others, because all love is different.

what helped me was reading constantly about addiction and the terrible things addicts do. it helped me to understand how i could be so coldly tossed aside by someone who once treasured me.

i'm so sorry. cry as long as you need to.

lovesmenot74

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply to my post.

Special thanks to BlueJay in particular for understanding where I'm at and helping me feel like I'm not crazy ...

I re-read my post and the replies today and I do understand where everyone is coming from ... but OF COURSE my thoughts are of him every day ... we lived together for almost 2 years. I was used to him being here every day and seeing him every day and interacting with him every day for almost 2 years. Call it addiction if you must ... but why is it addiction only if you're not a parent or spouse to the addict? He is/was still very much a part of my family - just because we weren't married doesn't mean he wasn't a very big part of my everyday life for the last two years. I can't imagine how I can just flip a switch and pretend like he wasn't.

Today the leaves are falling and the air is crisp - it is fall - one of my favourite seasons. This time last year, we were driving around the country looking at all the beautiful colours of the season, going to a few of our favourite spots ... spending the night on the mountain, taking pictures.

Every day has a memory ... even if it is just a memory of him setting up the couch with blankets and pillows and lighting candles so we could snuggle up on the couch together to watch a movie wrapped in each other's arms.

It wasn't all bad ... he did try ... we both tried. Unfortunately I didn't see the signs of addiction early on ... I didn't see them because I've never used drugs and since I've been on this board, I see a lot of his actions (stealing, lying, disappearing for days, throwing up, headaches, stomach aches, chest pains, sleepness nights followed my days of sleeping almost all day) I see these all in a different light now ... and I see how these things increased so slowly over time that it SEEMED like overnight he was a different person.

Just a few months ago he was still showing small signs of his thoughtful side ... doing the little things here and there that showed me he really listened to me and knew me better than anyone else. And then he disappeared for 3 days, lied, spent our rent money, and that's when it all went downhill.

How can I NOT think of him every day when I'm used to seeing him and interacting with him every day? A HUGE part of my life is gone ... a huge part of my life that I cannot get back ... and my head and heart fight every day over happy and sad memories ... over wanting to let it go and move on and yet still hoping that he'll come out of the fog and contact me so we can work on things.

It's hard for me to understand how he could trade all of our fun times, our memories, our life together for hanging around losers and using drugs all day long. It's hard for me to understand how he can blame me when I KNOW I did so much for him and tried to support him in any little step toward getting his life together. It's hard for me to understand how he could throw away such a strong connection as though it was nothing at all.

Would I be addicted to him if we'd been married for 40 yrs and he died and I was grieving the loss and thinking of him and missing him every day? In some ways it feels worse because he hasn't died ... he's just not here anymore ... and he's chosen a path that seems to me to be so much less than what we had together.

What if he were my son, my brother, my father? Would I be told he's just not worth it and I'm better off without him? No ... I would be EXPECTED to still love him ... why is it any different because he was my boyfriend? We may not have been married, but when I told him I loved him, the commitment was implied ... a commitment to never give up, a commitment to always love him ... and it's hard to untangle that even though I know he's moved on to someone else and is choosing a life that I don't agree with.

I still love him ... I miss him every day when I wake up and realize that he's not here with me ... when for the past 2 years, he was. We have so many memories (good and bad) over the past 2 years that it seems to me that it would be abnormal NOT to think of him every day. Memories sneak up on me at the oddest times ... but they are around every corner ... a tv show we watched together, a movie we saw, places we've been, places we planned to go ... ...

Yes, I want him back ... badly ... but he can't bring the drugs with him. We aren't together because I wouldn't tolerate the lies, the stealing, the lack of responsibility. If I did ... he'd still be here ... I knew I had to protect myself and draw the line so I did ... and in the process of protecting myself from the bad ... I also lost the good. I had hoped that the boundaries I set would make him see that he needed to change ... unfortunately, he chose his lifestyle over me and so I've lost him. I wrote him a letter a while back and told him that if I had to lose him forever so that he could get better, it was a risk I was willing to take ... and I meant it ... but that doesn't mean it's easy to let go.

Is it wrong for a parent to want their child to get well and come back?
Is it wrong for a wife to want their husband to get well and to salvage their marriage?
Is it wrong for me to want him to get well and come back to me?

Right or wrong ... I love him ... and I miss him ... every day ... and I probably will for a VERY long time ...

HopeandPrayer

How can I NOT think of him every day when I'm used to seeing him and interacting with him every day? A HUGE part of my life is gone ... a huge part of my life that I cannot get back ... and my head and heart fight every day over happy and sad memories ... over wanting to let it go and move on and yet still hoping that he'll come out of the fog and contact me so we can work on things.

Sometimes, I have to force myself to think about something else when these thoughts enter my head. I think we all feel something missing when our addicts choose drugs or alcohol over the relationship. Because we aren't addicted to drugs or alcohol we can't possible understand the pull these things have on someone that would cause them to leave us. Where our addiction come into play is when we have problems letting go of them, when we can't detach ourselves from their behavior, when we can't move toward a healthy place for ourselves, or when we concentrate to much on what isn't instead of what might be if we give it a chance.(Our health and happiness)

My advice would be, set a time limit, even if only an hour, and do something for yourself. Maybe a walk to enjoy the fall colors you talked about, rent a movie you have always wanted to see, or call a friend and do something. There is only one rule, during that time, negative thoughts are not allowed. That means no thoughts of the addict, no thoughts of loneliness only enjoying the moment for what it is , a reprieve from the insanity. Then maybe next make the time limit longer, say 2 hrours and soon you will find the positive is slowly taking over the negative and will win in the end.

This is how I have handeled the loneliness that I have faced several times in my life. Some was from my XAH and RAS, but the most had nothing to do with family but to do with the loss of friends. You don't have to be married to or give birth to someone with an addiction to be addicted to "helping" someone, as a co-dependent I suffer from trying to "help" to much, and sometimes that "help" comes back to bite me in the A**, and I lose someone I care about in the process.

Just my humble oppinion(JMHO).
Barb

Neverwanted

LMN...You will survive this. Believe me. YOU WILL.

I thought I wrote this but alas another person has sadly fallen to the hardships of loving an addict.

Toying with the idea of using drugs yourself to numb is a way of identifying with him - almost bargaining with the loss of the relationship - as though it will encourage him to come back. Then you can be so lucky to pick up where you left off...trying to sort through the agony of wondering what is a lie and what is not...who is in your bed...the addict or the man who loves you...or is it both...can you see the agony of those questions? The cycle?

I took the great advice of working the steps of codependency and I am living it everyday and it helps IMMENSELY! Ann posts wonderful points on those steps in this forum and I thank heaven for the help this has provided me with. I think when you are processing the grief and done bargaining, you will be able to work the steps one at a time and allow him to go where he needs to and should be at his pace.

Perhaps this is a good point to mention that when I felt this badly as you do, it was a HUGE relief to recognize he wasnt thinking about me so long as he was using and sleeping with the woman he cheated on me with...both of them high fiving and using and goddess knows what. what did I matter to them at that point? It was necessary to realize I was morally right in my instilled beliefs and just because I picked and addict to love did not mean his screwed up view of reality had to challenge what I knew to be true...that what he was doing was WRONG. Wrong for ME. His coming back and loving me wouldnt change jack poop. I let it go and it was a huge relief.

I used to tell my ex addict fiance, everything is as it should be. It sounds terrible but now I am eating my words and that, is a bitter pill. but true

doneforsure

Lovesmenot,
I haven't met you here, in fact I haven't posted in a very long time, but I would like for you to know that I completely relate to what you're feeling right now, and I'm sure a lot of others can too. The addict that was in my life was my exagf. There really isn't a whole lot that can take away your hurt right now except getting through one day at a time, 1 hour at time, one minute at a time if that's what you need. I felt the same way about my exagf as you feel about your exbf, honestly, she was the love of my life, and for as much as I loved her, I loved her daughter as much as I love my own son. Your exbf loved you the best that he was capable of. Even with the lies you were told, which in any type of relationship usually hurts someone when they're lied to, but even with them, what you felt is and was real and that's what matters most IMHO. It's very very hard to let go, I know, but letting go doesn't necessarily mean you have to forget the things you loved, but when we let go, there actually comes a morning when you wake up and see it all so differently, you have a day where you might be sad, but you reach a day where you can actually enjoy other things. In time you're able to think about the good things without being so sad, and eventually you see that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much for you that person was perhaps Your Once In a Lifetime, no matter how much you give, that person can only give back what he or she is capable of. Be proud of yourself for being able to give and love another as much as you have and do. It's an experience that changes you, and anytime we grow in some way personally, it usually means there's pain along with it, growing pains.

You will get through this, and just know that many of us here know exactly how you feel, and you have every right to feel the way you do. It hurts, lies and betrayal do, but try to keep your chin up. You don't have to hate or look at just the negative things in order to get beyond it. What really helped me was to just keep telling myself that my exagf loved me only in the ways she was capable of loving, but what she had to give just wasn't anywhere near enough, and certainly I deserved a whole lot more for sure, and you do too Lovesmenot.

cassandra2

I too can relate to your pain lovesmenot. I had to kick out by ABF because he just wouldnt see the light. I have spent the last few weeks in a total stupor. I too miss the old him and wish that he would come back and be a family with me and the kids. But I do know that right now that is not possible. If he came back it would only be a matter of time before it would happen again. Prolonging the inevitable. What really helped me was this board, the people here are great. I also would like to add that look at it another way. Look at it like he HAS the problem NOT YOU and if that problem is fixed then maybe there can be a relationship between the two of you IF YOU ARE STILL AROUND. NOT IF HE WANTS TO BUT YOU.

When I started to look at it that way I really began to feel better. But I also know that there is an obstacle to get over and that is the addiction itself. I had trouble understanding how someone who loved his family so much and pledged to always be there for us could chose drugs over us. Last night I watched an Intervention special on prescription drugs and the sad reality is that the pills DO CHANGE PEOPLE and make them into something they dont want to be but by default accept because of the drugs. This show made a HUGE impact on the way I looked at his problem. Its not me it wasnt the kids, the pressure of everyday life. IT WAS HIM. HIS PROBLEM not mine. And until he hits his rock bottom I have to go on with life. I love him desperately but I love myself more and I know you do to because he is gone. There can always be hope as long as your willing to accept it either way. I hope this helped. I read your post and my heart went out to you because I am there to.

I get to see him daily because of the kids and I think that makes it worse. Because sometimes I feel like he is rejecting me and is really over. But then I have to ask myself if the person that he was BEFORE drugs would treat me this way? NO WAY. So then there you go its the drugs. I pray everyday that he will get it together and come back to us but its his choice.

baxter

lovesmenot - I know how much it hurts. I know that doesn't make your pain any easier but there seem to be a lot of us who know exactly where you are, know it was better in the long run, and have survived. It does take time.

It's not wrong to want our children, husband or wives, boyfriends or girlfriends to get well and come back. That's what we're all here for. But when and if it ever happens things will never be what they were before. The whole relationship will have to start over with new memories. None of them will ever walk right back in and things continue on as if nothing ever happened. I think we tend to obssess over all the beautiful memories when our hearts get broken. Our whole life has been turned upside down and it's normal to want things back the way they were but it can never be. Hard to face and only time can make it easier.

You can't let him succeed in allowing him to still control your life in you thinking somehow this is all your fault. That everything that is happening right now your to blame. You know in your heart your not. That you deserve way more than this it will just take time. All my addicts have always used that excuse to justify them using. I won't let them make me feel guilty for them using and abusing my love for them just because I felt like my beliefs and feelings count and I'm allowed to voice them.

I'm so sorry this is so heartbreaking but try really hard not to obssess the whole day on what ifs. Little by little things heal and please don't try anything drastic to make the pain go away. The sun will shine again, it really will.

Hugs,