LucyA

I just got off the phone with my mum and she's asked me to help my brother sort out his finances. Basicaly he doesn't have any, he still has his business set up but hasn't done any work for at least two years as he's been living on what money his wife left and widdows benefits, he also had some benefits relating to Joe which now come to me. So he has nothing (well, enough for drink from somewhere but that's not what this is about)

She wants me to go to him and sort out what benefits he might be able to claim, help him get on the sick etc.

I always said I'd be here for him if he needed me. Well I know right now he doesn't really need me to do this, he can do it for himself, he ran a business singlehanded for 14 years after all.

I told her I'm not doing it for him, but I gave her the phone number he needs to ring to sort it out. She thinks I should do more 'just to get him on his feet'

I don't think I should, but this weeks been tough and right this minute I'm wavering a bit about if I'm right or not.

Techie1701

I was thinking that maybe you should help him out, then I read your thread below about how he's out of hospital and drinking again... So I say no, like you said, he ran a business for 14 years, he should be able to handle this. Think of it as part of his recovery, to look after himself.

I hope you are well.

LucyA

Thanks Techie, I typed my post, then I went to make the beds, all 4, then washed up, put the washing in the machine, ran round to the shops, filled a form in for Joes school, vacced the whole downstairs (you get the picture) on my day off, I still have to do the ironing and cook tea for the kids. In between all that I called at my brothers house as he said he'd be in this morning to sign a form for Joe, his friend said he'd called to the pub.

I think he can do it on his own, I'm not feeling so 'wobbly' now.

Techie1701

Wow! What a lot you got done!! (It's all waiting to be done in my house, I'm very impressed!!). I think that's a good answer to your question, if he can go to the pub, he can sort himself out. How are you finding dealing with your mother? She sounds like she is adding to the stress of the situation a bit...

LucyA

She sometimes does add a lot of stress, but just recently I'm seeing a few subtle changes in her.
She's not as desperate to run round and help my brother and she seems a bit more willing to listen when I explain my reasons for not doing certain things. It's a start.

LucyA

I've just had a right 'discussion' with my mum.

Earlier today she sent some groceries with my dad (he was coming here for another reason) and she sent some for my brother too. Apparently he wasn't in so she arranged with him to pick them up from my house. OK so far. He told my mum he was out with one of his friends working all day. (so far two stories about where he was, but not my business anyway)
I'm working tomorrow, one of my long shifts where I'm away from home for over 24 hours and tonight I have a child free night for the first time in ages so I'm going to enjoy it, I've been looking forward to an uninterruped bath, eyebrow plucking and a DVD all week

Six pm arrives, all the kids are packed off to their respective weekend places and still my brothers stuff is here. I want to eat and chill without wondering what time he's coming, what state he'll be in or if he'll even bother, and I don't want the stuff going to waste. So I phoned my mum and asked if she had any idea what time he was going to pick it up. She didnt know but she'd ring him. I said I had and he wasn't home blah blah blah. No point me ringing his mobile because he doesn't answer it when he's in the pub, he's more defensive with me than anyone so doesn't want me to know he's there.

So...move on half an hour and he turns up for his stuff, says he came at 3.20 and I was out, erm, ok, Joe had just come home from school then and we were chatting till Dan came home at 4pm.

Anyway, he has his stuff and he asks, in a very round about way, mumbling and stumbling through it, if I would mind helping him sort out Cathys things (it's over a year since she died and all her stuff is still around as it was then) so I said I would help and also I would phone her sister to say it was sorted and could she pick it up.

So, talking to my mum she wants to know why I will do this and not sort out his benefits, which she thinks would be a bigger more practical help to him right now.
I disagree with this and mum doesnt like it. I think removing Caths things and dealing with that will help him more than babying him through the benefit system (which i know nothing about anyway because I don't claim any)

I've tried to explain that I can see a big difference in the two things I've been asked to do, one is helping him to begin living again ( it must be hard to live with his dead wifes things, and I know he could sort them himself, but I remember helping my mum and Aunt sort my grandads things after he died, no one should do that alone unless they want to)
and the other is doing something he's quite capable of doing for himself and under any other circumstances would.

Any ideas how I can explain this to my mum any beter than I have done? I'm a bit stuck.
Maybe you think I'm wrong, I'd be happy to hear that too. I'd just like your views, like I said this has been a tough week and I'm doubting myself at the moment.

LaTeeDa

Well, first of all, he asked for help with one thing, not the other, right? At least that's how I understood it.

Secondly, helping sort his dead wife's belongings seems like a very compassionate, caring thing to do. Something anyone would do, whether the widower was an alcoholic or not.

On the other hand, applying for benefits for him, or holding his hand through it, seems more like something one would do for a child. Something an adult should be able to handle by themselves.

I have a test now for these kind of situations. I ask myself if I am doing more to "help" a person than they are willing to do to help themselves. If I am, then I must consider the possibility that I am enabling.

L

LucyA

Thanks LaTeeDa, that tells me you and I see a distinct difference in the two things, my mum doesn't. Can I get that through to her? or is it a codependant thing that she just isn't going to listen to just yet? should i even try?
as a benchmark, she phoned the doctors to make an appointment for him today as he wouldnt be able to. She knew he wouldn't be able to as she phoned him and he was out and said so. Doh!

LaTeeDa

She's making his doctor appointments for him and you're wondering if you can get her to understand your position on not helping him?

Sometimes it just has to be enough to know you are right, cause you're never going to convince someone who sees things from an entirely different view.

L

LucyA

thanks, like I said its been a tough week. I don't think I'd have doubts on this one at a different time. Sometimes it helps to have someone else say the obvious.