sodetermined

Well abf and I are still living together, still trying to work on things. He hasn't quit drinking, isn't in recovery, but he is "better" than what he was. When I say better, I mean he is helping with bills, not staying out all hours of the night, etc. I guess the bad days are fewer and far between, the real bad days anyway. So am I learning to settle for him being better???? When I compare him to what my dad was like growing up, Chris is better than he was.

Anyway, I have been chatting through e-mail with an old friend, I used to work with. HE is a very nice guy, good looking, financially secure, and is raising his daughter alone. We have a lot in common. We are just friends, but sometimes I wonder "what if"....as far as, how would my life be different if Chris and I were to ever separate for good, and really move on. To be with someone I trust, someone who really cares, someone that I dont' have to worry about slipping up and hurting me. Sometimes I get excited, but mostly I think what I feel is fear. Fear of something unknown, unfamiliar, leaving my comfort zone. I can get up early in the morning and clean the house and not shower on a Saturday and Chris will tell me that I am beautiful. He has seen me at my worst, he knows me, inside and out. It just feels...comfy. When things are good, that is. I mean we've only been together 3 1/2 years, but in that 3 1/2 years are lots of good memories, routines we have together....we just click. On a lot of levels, I feel as if we are soul mates, for real.

And get this, and I am feeling awfully guilty for talking to Matt through e-mail. I am hiding it from Chris, because it would never be ok to me to have a male friend. But I think to myself, will I ever leave him? I almost feel sorry for him, because he does seem to try. He was raised in an alcoholic household, too, which is probably why him and I are a lot alike in some ways.

I have this vision in my head of "a good life", like what you see on tv or at other people's houses. I get envious, but yet...is the grass just greener on the other side of the fence?????

I'm sorry for rambling here, I'm just kind of all over the place here, and feel like I might be stuck in my own recovery right now, I mean I should be focusing way less on these men and more on myself. Just one of those days.

prodigal

What you see on television is fantasy, not fiction. I always thought there were Ward and June Cleavers out there too, and I'd be swept off my feet by the man of my dreams, have 2 children, 2.6 cars, a yard where crabgrass never grew, and problems would be solved in a 30-minute episode.

I have friends who have strong marriages. But it took a WHOLE lot of very hard work. No, the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence - it just appears that way.

My exAH and I looked like a "great" couple. About eight months before I left him, I broke down and told a gf at a party that my ex hit me more than once. She was completely shocked! What she saw was the show we put on for the public.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. But even in the best of marriages - and I've seen some pretty good marriages - there are still challenges.

I think you may want to seriously think about emailing another man. You're hiding it from you bf. You know your bf would probably go ballistic if he found out. Hiding something from our partner is playing with fire. And it has the potential to lead to worse problems.

Reddmax

Being on the otherside of the email divide, I would tend to agree. Hiding a bad secret like that will curdle your soul. It will eat at you for a long long time.

Redd

ToughChoices

This part of your post really stood out to me.

I'm coming to realize that, for me, there is little hope for a deep, meaningful, fulfilling relationship with my AH if we are unable to trust each other.
My heart can't freely belong to someone who has shown himself historically unable to care for it.

From what you've described, it sounds like you each are looking for more than this relationship is giving you:
he looks for / dreams of / goes to alcohol
you look for / dream of / go to another man (though not in the physical sense).
Eerily similar, no?

You want more. That's okay. From your post it sounds like you have very healthy dreams (trust, caring, freedom from persistent fear) - just realize that leaving Chris to begin a relationship with Matt will not necessarily fulfill those dreams.

Occasionally I get a bad case of the "If I could just get rid of this jacka$$ and find an non-addict to take care of me my life would be swell"s.

Recovering from codependency has a lot to do with recognizing that I tend to look to other people to give my life meaning and show me my worth.

But SoConfused, you are worthwhile.
Without Chris.
Without Matt.
Without anyone else.
Just because you are you.

You are beautiful on un-showered, house-cleaning Saturday's, even if there's no one there to say it.

If you choose to share that beautiful life with someone else (whoever they may be), I hope that they add to its beauty.

-TC

justaboutus

Just from my experience with my own A... It cycles. You get mad, he gets better, then it slowly degrades, then you get mad, he gets better... etc. It sucks.

I too have found myself emailing friends and even having intimate (non-sexual but things you would normally only tell a spouse) conversations with them. It's not right. That's how affairs start. I don't want to be that person.

Stubborn1

Sending you a pm.