Blondie

My AH has found a new way to annoy me and it really bugs me and he knows it. I am 45 years old and perim-menopausal and I really don't like being pinched or grabbed in my private areas. It was OK when we were younger, but over the years I have found it very, very annoying and downright teenagerish. When I tell him to stop he accuses me of being bit**y and moody and a prude (so what) and does not respect my feelings. I have had mood swings lately, but not as bad as he makes me sound and not half as bad as his alcoholic mood swings. Just wondering if this is normal for my age and how does the average non alcoholic man act when asked to keep their hands off. When he does it I immediately leave the room and I usually try to avoid getting near him at all lately which makes him mad (which is HIS problem). It's not that I'm not attracted to men anymore, just HIM.

Lilyflower

Depite the menopausal side of things here, I would expect any man I was intimate with to respect me and my feelings about what I do and do not find acceptable during sex or play.

For me it would be a red flag if any man did not hear me and respect me enough to adhere to my boundaries, especially if I had made it very clear that this was a solid line that I absolutely feel must not be crossed.

As everyone changes and grows, so do our feelings and what we want and find acceptable, therefore I would also expect my life partner to adapt to a changing me, as I would respect and adapt to his changing needs and boundaries. Flexibility is the key!

However in an alcoholic relationship, I personally found it incredibly difficult to get my exabf to respect any of my boundaries never mind those relating to sexual contact, so for me it was a no go area. In time, that progressed to a no him.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

Yup, aboslutely normal. Menopause played havok with me in all sorts of ways.


In my view, a loving partnrer respects my wishes, regardless of what they are or the reasons.

sodetermined

Blondie, I could have written that post. I am 34 years old, and always enjoyed my sex life with the alcoholic bf. Lately, I don't have much of a sex drive, I've even had my hormones checked and am found to have low progesterone. Anyway, he does the same thing, he CONSTANTLY is groping me. It drives me crazy and is such a turn off. It is to the point that I don't even want him to hug me anymore because it turns into more than just a regular hug. And he does it forcefully, I ask him politely to stop and he won't. A lot of times I just give in and have sex just so that he will stop touching me non stop. You aren't alone, and I know that it is a matter of setting a boundary concerning this issue.

Stubborn1

If it were me I would tell him to come closer.........come closer..........and when he is in arms reach I would grab his pubic hair and pull like heck and tell him the next time he touches you in a way you do not approve up you might miss the pubic hair and move down a few inches!!
Remind him it only takes 10 lbs of pressure to pull his "unit" off is body. Be dead serious when you tell him

kemarus

I could have written this post!!! Wow. When he was drinking, he would constantly pinch, grab or poke my private areas and think it was funny and cute. I would get so annoyed and bat his hand away. Then I would get called a prude and be told that I wasn't physical enough for him. That was our problem and that was why he had to drink. He needed a more physical relationship and I wasn't giving it to him. It didn't matter that I told him that his actions were just creepy! Period. I used to want to run in the opposite direction when I saw him coming. It was always when he was drinking too. Just another example of how they are clueless.

sodetermined

Stubborn1, your post made me laugh! So, thanks for the laugh!

christin

Thank you Stubborn for your post. This has been a very bad week for me mentally and your post really made my day.. I spit coffee all over my computer screen. LMAO!!

I HATE ALCOHOL BY THE WAYance!!

Stubborn1

Welcome.......but my husband knows it well

pattyspaw

I'm an alcoholic and have the same man problem; it seems like he always has to add something else to the hug and when I have verbally say no it turns into a fight; I have made the comment that I could do anything I want to as long as he gets sex when he wants it; there are other things that add to the lack of attraction and I have voiced some of them at different times, doesn't seem to register; I have been going through menopause for a while now and sometimes a hot flash (personal summer) happens at the right time as it is a total turn off for him;

AmpHusky

I was getting mixed signals from my XAGF. One day she would be OK with it, as it was part of foreplay, and the next she didn't want to be touch. I wasn't sure if I was doing anything different or not. I know there were times I was inappropriating touching her, and for that I am sorry. For me it was hard to figure out due to the drinking.

blessed4x

Same thing at my house. I told him if that's all it takes to keep him from drinking he could probably save money in the long run buying himself some (but I suspect he found some for free).....and still he drinks.

So thankful that all of the stress, drama, and feelings of self doubt are soon to be a thing of the past! There's another thread about "things I don't miss". This is one of the things I won't miss the most.....feeling violated in my own home.

GiveLove

I'm no longer sexually attracted to alcoholics (it's a huge, huge turnoff for me) but when I was still involved with my XABF and nearing perimenopause, he was trying the same s**t with me. I tried the "don't" and "please" and everything else, nothing worked. It was so incredibly disrespectful.

I am a really mild-tempered person, but I finally just exploded one day - bad day at work, hormonally unstable, exhausted - and literally screamed, "So f'ing help me, if you ever do that again I will NEVER have sex with you again -- so keep it up if you want a brother-sister relationship from here on out." I watched my hand as it threw the water glass I was carrying against the wall, stomped out, drove away and came back the next day after spending the night at a girlfriend's.

I guess that was a little over-dramatic

But he never did it again.

I never got "those" feelings back for him. I just don't find drunks sexy, and I don't feel a need to stay with someone who treats me that way. Life's too short, and I'd rather live alone than be treated like a prostitute.

Blondie

Gee, I guess I struck a nerve here. It is such a violation of personal space and the lack of disrespect that makes it so aggrevating. I was wondering if it was just me, but now I see that it is a common problem when alcohol is involved.

Thanks Barbara 52, I figured it was normal at my age and I'm not being unrealistic about expecting him to respect my wishes as I'm sure any nice, respectful, mature man would. It's difficult dealing with the memory problems and hot flashes and changes, but I am actually welcoming the change because I see the benefits to it - not the drawbacks.

Pajarito

Besides pawing at me, the other thing I couldn't stand was the reaction I used to get if I didn't feel like doing anything. His face- rolling eyes, angry looks. I guess it drove me deeper into that hateful place I was in. Who wants to do anything with a "teenage boy?" I felt like he thought sex was his right- regardless of how badly he behaved. He could get up from the dinner table and ignore helping with cleaning up, sit all night on the couch with his face buried in a laptop in front of the tv, and then he wondered why I wasn't turned on when he asked if he could come upstairs and lay on me. UGH!

daisyjen

Wow! I couldve wriiten this too, except my AH has been recovering for almost 21 months now and it is getting worse. For me, I dont think it is a hormonal issue, its a disrespect issue. Last night, as I was sleeping he reached over, stuck his hand where it doesnt belong, and in my sleep I kicked, punched and yelled at him! He told me in the morning it was an "accident". Oh, yeah, sure. He calls me a nonloving prude too. Whatever.

sodetermined

As I keep reading the updates on this thread, I had no idea, honesty, how common this problem seems to be.

I also get eye rolls, sighs, comments, when I turn him down. I mean after one day of not getting sex, he acts like he can't survive. I mean if I tell him I'm tired, or not in the mood, he will sometimes ask 3-4 more times in the same night. So of course I say no again, and then we go through the comments again.

I do feel it is a disrespect thing.

Pajarito

I do feel it's disrespectful too. I used to give in sometimes just to get him off my back. How sad is that? The whole dynamic was a vicious circle.

HopeandPrayer

Amp, I think in some ways you are correct. It is easy to give off mixed signals. I have heard that with women it is mostly emotional and with men it is mostly physical.

With that said, going thru menopause myself, I liken it to turning the clock back to when I was in my teens and everything started. The emotional ups and downs play hell with any relationship. The difference, I believe is that when you add the addict into the mix, wether male or female, throws the balance off center. They are unpredictable under normal circumstances, but you add hormones and WATCH OUT, because things are going to get crazier than they are already.
Barb

prodigal

I must have gotten the greatest passive-aggressive A of all times! Mine tried that groping thing for awhile. I moved into the basement and slept on the couch down there. I RARELY slept in the same bed with him. Sure, he would let out his anger in other ways, but never directly about the lack of sex. I believe he made one or two sarcastic comments over the past few years, then he just let it drop.

I finally moved all my stuff over to the other side of the house. He only wandered over into my bed a few times in a drunken stupor. Each time, I was EXTREMELY angry, but didn't show it. I calmly requested that he leave MY bedroom and he complied.

Thankfully, he finally gave up and has not wandered into my bedroom in more than six months. And he doesn't lay a finger on me.

To which I say, FINE BY ME! The thought of a drunk groping and grabbing at me grosses me out. Yep, mine has gotten more passive the more his disease has progressed. He still has his Internet "girlfriends" to keep him occupied. That, too, grosses me out (and I no longer even bother to look at what he's viewing), but if it keeps him from bothering me, great!