Here I am again....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Valley Stream, NY
Posts: 20
Here I am again....
Hi all....
It's been a while since I've posted...this roller coaster has taken a toll on me. I ended up in the ER with chest pain yesterday, was there for 7 hours.....I followed up with my reg pcp today and they hooked me up to a 24 hr monitor. They think it's stress related, but they want to be sure. I know it's stress. I am nauseas, I can't eat, can't sleep, cry constantly. I was doing so well...reading my books.....visiting the sites...going to naranon, and then boom...he relapsed and I lost it. I am trying to get back on track...detaching..and working on me , but it's so hard!!!!! To recap a lil for those who don't know...I am 37....My bf is 29...he is a heroin addict...we've been together almost 11 months..and He told me 7 months into the relationship he was an addict...because he had been arrested and needed to go to detox/rehab. I totally died at that moment cried screamed...ran left....2 days later I talked to him and realized I love him ..and needed to help him , support him and give him a chance. so I did!!! since then ...he's relapsed once a month I think..and you know the lies, excuses....guilt, bs etc...I stood by him, I was his warden at times....compassionate at times....I tried it all....finally this last time when he picked up again I lost it and said NO..I am detaching totally..it hurt..i cried....but I tried to take it each day asit came..and did ok..two weeks later i see him ..and all those feelings of love came back..I love his mom..and she loves me....I got to see her....b/c I had also detached from her....I missed her soooo...It was nice. He is going into detox tomorrow........so I pray this is the time he does it..stays clean....does the work...etc.....Please pray for him......me & mom!! Thanks for listening...any advice......would be appreciated!!!!!
:praying
It's been a while since I've posted...this roller coaster has taken a toll on me. I ended up in the ER with chest pain yesterday, was there for 7 hours.....I followed up with my reg pcp today and they hooked me up to a 24 hr monitor. They think it's stress related, but they want to be sure. I know it's stress. I am nauseas, I can't eat, can't sleep, cry constantly. I was doing so well...reading my books.....visiting the sites...going to naranon, and then boom...he relapsed and I lost it. I am trying to get back on track...detaching..and working on me , but it's so hard!!!!! To recap a lil for those who don't know...I am 37....My bf is 29...he is a heroin addict...we've been together almost 11 months..and He told me 7 months into the relationship he was an addict...because he had been arrested and needed to go to detox/rehab. I totally died at that moment cried screamed...ran left....2 days later I talked to him and realized I love him ..and needed to help him , support him and give him a chance. so I did!!! since then ...he's relapsed once a month I think..and you know the lies, excuses....guilt, bs etc...I stood by him, I was his warden at times....compassionate at times....I tried it all....finally this last time when he picked up again I lost it and said NO..I am detaching totally..it hurt..i cried....but I tried to take it each day asit came..and did ok..two weeks later i see him ..and all those feelings of love came back..I love his mom..and she loves me....I got to see her....b/c I had also detached from her....I missed her soooo...It was nice. He is going into detox tomorrow........so I pray this is the time he does it..stays clean....does the work...etc.....Please pray for him......me & mom!! Thanks for listening...any advice......would be appreciated!!!!!
:praying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I am sorry that you are in so much pain. Detaching is really hard. I had to do it with my daughter who is also a heroin addict. It is like losing someone to death. You go through the same grief stages. Once I accepted that I could not help my daughter, I had to let go for me. I had the same physical symptoms that you do and since I am in my 50's I knew that I could not afford to keep hanging on. We each have to find our own way of letting go. At first I was angry and then later I could detach with love. I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers. There is hope. My daughter just celebrated 4 months clean, is working and doing well. Hugs, Marle
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Marle said it all. You MUST detach for your own sake, if you get sick what good will you be to anyone.
The quicker your boyfriend lives in misery ( of his own making I might add ) the sooner he will WANT to get well & STAY well. The more love & compassion you show him, the more comfortable you make his life when he chooses to use, the longer it will take him to reach his bottom.
My son is now the addict in my life & I KNOW what I am saying is NOT easy to do but the tougher you are the quicker he will reach his bottom.
So you must do it for both of you.
The quicker your boyfriend lives in misery ( of his own making I might add ) the sooner he will WANT to get well & STAY well. The more love & compassion you show him, the more comfortable you make his life when he chooses to use, the longer it will take him to reach his bottom.
My son is now the addict in my life & I KNOW what I am saying is NOT easy to do but the tougher you are the quicker he will reach his bottom.
So you must do it for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Echo on everything said. I know that "sick" feeling and that feeling that you know that it's not really a heart attack... it's stress... and it makes me sooo angry that I can't just let go and get over the pain. Detaching when you love sooo much hurts, but you matter more than any of that... stay strong and take care of yourself. Consider your trip to the ER a wake-up call... you don't deserve to be ill... you deserve to live and be happy. HUGS!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Denise37,
When I get those "nervous" kind of feelings, I try to cram in as many meetings as I can...meetings always seem to calm me down, and change my perspective.
Stress kills...you take care of yourself.
Hugs...
When I get those "nervous" kind of feelings, I try to cram in as many meetings as I can...meetings always seem to calm me down, and change my perspective.
Stress kills...you take care of yourself.
Hugs...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Valley Stream, NY
Posts: 20
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you all so much for all your encouragement and all the kind words.....I sooo oneed a support system.....the only one I have right now is his mom and this is the norm for her by now...and to me its all new......Thank you.....!!! I will pray for all of you as well!!! Lobe & Hugs!!!!
Denise
Denise
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Denise)))
I'm sorry you are still going through this. I totally understand. I left my XABF because he was still smoking crack and I'm in recovery. His mom was one of my strongest supporters. He didn't live with her, and she was 2 hours away from me, but I talked to her on the phone all the time. SHE would tell me "honey...if he's not going to to right by you, then YOU take care of you....I'm gonna love ya, whether your with him or not". She died a year ago in Aug. and I still miss her.
I hope you can focus on YOU and what YOU need, instead of focusing on him getting clean. When you focus on him, you are setting yourself up. Even when people aren't addicts, they may never live up to our expectations, and when you throw in addiction, well, there's a really good chance they are going to let you down.
He will get recovery when he's good and ready. For must of us A's it takes a few times to get it right, and some never do. As long as he thinks he can use, even "occasionally" and you will still be there for him, he has less of an incentive to want recovery.
My best advice is hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and focus on YOU.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry you are still going through this. I totally understand. I left my XABF because he was still smoking crack and I'm in recovery. His mom was one of my strongest supporters. He didn't live with her, and she was 2 hours away from me, but I talked to her on the phone all the time. SHE would tell me "honey...if he's not going to to right by you, then YOU take care of you....I'm gonna love ya, whether your with him or not". She died a year ago in Aug. and I still miss her.
I hope you can focus on YOU and what YOU need, instead of focusing on him getting clean. When you focus on him, you are setting yourself up. Even when people aren't addicts, they may never live up to our expectations, and when you throw in addiction, well, there's a really good chance they are going to let you down.
He will get recovery when he's good and ready. For must of us A's it takes a few times to get it right, and some never do. As long as he thinks he can use, even "occasionally" and you will still be there for him, he has less of an incentive to want recovery.
My best advice is hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and focus on YOU.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Valley Stream, NY
Posts: 20
Thanks so much Amy.....Your bf mom sounds just like my bf's mom..I love her!!!!! Btw....I'm sorry for your loss. Mom says the same thing focus on me and let him deal with his problems.....I'm trying...it's just so hard because I am such the caretaker...I am the one who just fixes everyone and eveything and i cant fix this....but i am eorking on it thru therapy and ..im reADING CODEPENDENT NO MORRE AND THE LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO....and I pray ..pray....pray. Thanks again for the support!!
Smooches,
Denise
Smooches,
Denise
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Denise))
I was always the caretaker, too. Even went into the nursing field so I could do it and get paid for it
I had to start by taking baby steps. Some days it seemed like I made one tiny step forward, and 1000 backward. But each time I let the other person deal with an issue, and didn't jump in and try to fix it, I got a little stronger.
I bite my tongue a lot...because, of course, I KNOW what they should do. I also remember that when my family let me deal with the consequences of my addiction, or even just making a bad choice, I learned much more from it and I feel better about myself because I figured it out all by myself.
When we solve other's problems, we take that away from them. They never learn their lessons, and they never feel that confidence that comes from dealing with something in the right way.
Stick around here....this is where I got MY codie recovery tools from!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was always the caretaker, too. Even went into the nursing field so I could do it and get paid for it
I had to start by taking baby steps. Some days it seemed like I made one tiny step forward, and 1000 backward. But each time I let the other person deal with an issue, and didn't jump in and try to fix it, I got a little stronger.
I bite my tongue a lot...because, of course, I KNOW what they should do. I also remember that when my family let me deal with the consequences of my addiction, or even just making a bad choice, I learned much more from it and I feel better about myself because I figured it out all by myself.
When we solve other's problems, we take that away from them. They never learn their lessons, and they never feel that confidence that comes from dealing with something in the right way.
Stick around here....this is where I got MY codie recovery tools from!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Denise, my xabf is also 29 and a heroin addict. We were together for a year on 9/16 and what a bumpy year it has been. I too love his mother, and she loves me. Our stories are so similar. bf stole checks from me twice...the last time being last week and we are done, you might see some of my other posts from last week and this week in this forum. I love him too and its very hard to let go, but he's not going to change unless he wants to. Detox alone is not going to solve the problem. That's just to help get the drugs out of his system. He should look into a re-hab or sober house once he is done. Good luck and hugs to you. I can relate.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I was as addicted to the addicts as they were to the drugs. And the withdrawal I went through when I had to let one go and move on with my life was just awful - I really thought I was going to die from the emotional pain. My son was 17 or 18 and we asked him to leave the house when he started using again - and he disappeared for 18 months.
I just kept putting one foot in front of another - doing the things you are doing - and eventually it will pass, but it does take time.
For me it was the death of a dream - and I had a real grief process to go through.
Keep coming back.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I just kept putting one foot in front of another - doing the things you are doing - and eventually it will pass, but it does take time.
For me it was the death of a dream - and I had a real grief process to go through.
Keep coming back.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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