Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 2
Hello
Hello All,
The thread below was posted yesterday on Newcomers to Recovery. It was suggested that I also look here for support.
I am new to this, but I need a place to talk about how I feel.
I was in a relationship for 6 yrs and I found out that he was using heroin. I was 5 months pregnant when I found out also. I immediately went to the yellow pages to get some help. He started attend treatment I thought. I later found out that he was using again.
I went through this at least 10X. Why did I stay that long? I loved this guy with all my heart. Everything was perfect. I never would have imagined that this drug was so powerful.
Well to the present- I kicked him out 3 weeks ago. I received a call from my family saying that they seen my car in places it should not be and that a female was also in there. Yeah I know. WTF
Well I rode up there. And sure enough. I saw it with my own eyes. I cant even explain the pain I felt. The embarrassment that my family knows. He is the father of my kids.
Just last week he told me that he went to get treatment. That his next appointment was Friday. The clinic will probably put him on suboxone pills for long term treatment.
I am thinking- Okay- maybe he is getting it together. Maybe he had enough of sleeping in vacants and having no food (what he told me). Well I asked him to watch the kids Wed. 9 am turned into 10 into 11 into 12 and so on. No show.
I called numerous times. He was telling me that he was looking for someone to buy the pills from. I am like no you not. You lien. I just went off. He said that I am mad because I can't keep an eye on him 24/7. I told him. Yes I am mad. You had that freedom and look what happened. He kept saying that I am mad about the female and that it wasn't like that. That she just showed him where to get the stuff from- yet the same day he was looking for the subxone pill, she left a message saying where you at- and that she not going to be waiting all day.
So that was my answer. After cussing him out. I suspended his phone and I have not talked to him since last Thursday.
How do I feel. I am hurt, depressed, mentally disturbed and confused. I know it is not my fault. But I feel like crap because- why would he relapse so many times. I thought our relationship was great. I was happy and I thought he was too.
I am mad because he still has his job- and all the bills have piled up and I can't do it alone. I was dependent on his additional income. If I had know, I would not have quit my part time, but I thought everything was on the up and up. He was even doing well in school to be HVAC Certified.
I know that I was in denial because I believe it stated a long time ago. Well longer than what he told me.
I hate him. I know that I have to be strong and take care of home. I been doing that. But I would have never expected to be hit with this again, on top of infidelity.
Thank you all for listening. I am unable to attend Narnon meetings due to football practice ad after school programs. I can't even think of a decent time to work part time without burning my self out.
I pray for the pain to be lifted. I pray that the bills hold off a little while longer. I pray that my kids are always watched an protected. And I pray for happiness.
I just want my mind off of the pain he is putting me through. I do not think it is fair. I have to put on a act everywhere I go but inside I am deteriorating.
Today Oct 1st. I received a call this morning. He called me and wished me a Happy Birthday. I said Happy Birthday Right. And Hung Up.
I thought he may do that, but I never thought out what I would say. I think I did fine. I just need this to be over. I want my head clear. I want to be happy again.
The thread below was posted yesterday on Newcomers to Recovery. It was suggested that I also look here for support.
I am new to this, but I need a place to talk about how I feel.
I was in a relationship for 6 yrs and I found out that he was using heroin. I was 5 months pregnant when I found out also. I immediately went to the yellow pages to get some help. He started attend treatment I thought. I later found out that he was using again.
I went through this at least 10X. Why did I stay that long? I loved this guy with all my heart. Everything was perfect. I never would have imagined that this drug was so powerful.
Well to the present- I kicked him out 3 weeks ago. I received a call from my family saying that they seen my car in places it should not be and that a female was also in there. Yeah I know. WTF
Well I rode up there. And sure enough. I saw it with my own eyes. I cant even explain the pain I felt. The embarrassment that my family knows. He is the father of my kids.
Just last week he told me that he went to get treatment. That his next appointment was Friday. The clinic will probably put him on suboxone pills for long term treatment.
I am thinking- Okay- maybe he is getting it together. Maybe he had enough of sleeping in vacants and having no food (what he told me). Well I asked him to watch the kids Wed. 9 am turned into 10 into 11 into 12 and so on. No show.
I called numerous times. He was telling me that he was looking for someone to buy the pills from. I am like no you not. You lien. I just went off. He said that I am mad because I can't keep an eye on him 24/7. I told him. Yes I am mad. You had that freedom and look what happened. He kept saying that I am mad about the female and that it wasn't like that. That she just showed him where to get the stuff from- yet the same day he was looking for the subxone pill, she left a message saying where you at- and that she not going to be waiting all day.
So that was my answer. After cussing him out. I suspended his phone and I have not talked to him since last Thursday.
How do I feel. I am hurt, depressed, mentally disturbed and confused. I know it is not my fault. But I feel like crap because- why would he relapse so many times. I thought our relationship was great. I was happy and I thought he was too.
I am mad because he still has his job- and all the bills have piled up and I can't do it alone. I was dependent on his additional income. If I had know, I would not have quit my part time, but I thought everything was on the up and up. He was even doing well in school to be HVAC Certified.
I know that I was in denial because I believe it stated a long time ago. Well longer than what he told me.
I hate him. I know that I have to be strong and take care of home. I been doing that. But I would have never expected to be hit with this again, on top of infidelity.
Thank you all for listening. I am unable to attend Narnon meetings due to football practice ad after school programs. I can't even think of a decent time to work part time without burning my self out.
I pray for the pain to be lifted. I pray that the bills hold off a little while longer. I pray that my kids are always watched an protected. And I pray for happiness.
I just want my mind off of the pain he is putting me through. I do not think it is fair. I have to put on a act everywhere I go but inside I am deteriorating.
Today Oct 1st. I received a call this morning. He called me and wished me a Happy Birthday. I said Happy Birthday Right. And Hung Up.
I thought he may do that, but I never thought out what I would say. I think I did fine. I just need this to be over. I want my head clear. I want to be happy again.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Nile,
This is really hard to believe right now, in the spot you're in now, but you can be very happy again. It's sounds like he is still using, please do not have him watch the children.
Meetings are for an hour, the serenity you will get receive from attending meetings outweighs your time schedule. Meetings are every day of the week, all hours of the day, please try to find one you can attend. It's the secret to getting your "happy" back.
Hugs....
This is really hard to believe right now, in the spot you're in now, but you can be very happy again. It's sounds like he is still using, please do not have him watch the children.
Meetings are for an hour, the serenity you will get receive from attending meetings outweighs your time schedule. Meetings are every day of the week, all hours of the day, please try to find one you can attend. It's the secret to getting your "happy" back.
Hugs....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Nile,
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Welcome to SR and you have come to a good place to get support. Others will be along to share their experiences, my struggle is with my son.
Hang on, read the "stickies" at the top and post again if you need to.
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Welcome to SR and you have come to a good place to get support. Others will be along to share their experiences, my struggle is with my son.
Hang on, read the "stickies" at the top and post again if you need to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nile)))
Usually an addict will not seek recovery until they hit bottom. For some it's jail, for others it's losing everything. Others just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It sounds like he's still using and has no intention of changing anything. The only thing YOU can change is you.
I hope you can focus on you and the kids, and not him. He's going to do what he wants, regardless of what you do or say.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Usually an addict will not seek recovery until they hit bottom. For some it's jail, for others it's losing everything. Others just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It sounds like he's still using and has no intention of changing anything. The only thing YOU can change is you.
I hope you can focus on you and the kids, and not him. He's going to do what he wants, regardless of what you do or say.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi Nile,
Welcome to SR, you'll find great support here and i'm glad you found this place.
Happy birthday too, eventhough it might not be a happy one at the moment, i wish the coming year will be easier for you.
We have few things in commun it seems: i, too, am in love with a heroin addict. We've been together for nearly 9 years with 6 months break in between. The difference with you is that i knew from the beginning (one month into the relation) that he was an addict. Clean, relapse, clean, relapse etc etc etc...i know too well the pictures...
Last relapse i was pregnant too, and i've been through very hard times thinking he'd overdosed while i was having his baby. It went pretty far but, luckily, he got arrested and is now serving one year rehab program.
Our baby girl is now 4 months+ old and i'm raising her alone. We go see him once per month but at least, afterwards, there is a chance our baby will have a (healthy) daddy. It's difficult but it's worth it.
Other thing in commun: my birthday was 30/09 and i also was in a "upset mood" towards my addict! (who by the way didn't wish me happy birthday, damn it)
Take care and keep posted,
Carine
Welcome to SR, you'll find great support here and i'm glad you found this place.
Happy birthday too, eventhough it might not be a happy one at the moment, i wish the coming year will be easier for you.
We have few things in commun it seems: i, too, am in love with a heroin addict. We've been together for nearly 9 years with 6 months break in between. The difference with you is that i knew from the beginning (one month into the relation) that he was an addict. Clean, relapse, clean, relapse etc etc etc...i know too well the pictures...
Last relapse i was pregnant too, and i've been through very hard times thinking he'd overdosed while i was having his baby. It went pretty far but, luckily, he got arrested and is now serving one year rehab program.
Our baby girl is now 4 months+ old and i'm raising her alone. We go see him once per month but at least, afterwards, there is a chance our baby will have a (healthy) daddy. It's difficult but it's worth it.
Other thing in commun: my birthday was 30/09 and i also was in a "upset mood" towards my addict! (who by the way didn't wish me happy birthday, damn it)
Take care and keep posted,
Carine
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my daughter, also a heroin addict. She finally reached bottom and reached out for help. The one thing that I could not do was make her want help any sooner than she was ready. The one thing that I could do was to love her, detach from her and live my own life. It is hard but not impossible. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Niles. So sorry you are going through this.
Please don't ask an active junkie to watch your children. Don't leave one alone with your kids even if he is their father. It's just not safe.
I know it's hard and it's not fair that you can't rely on him or trust him. But you would never forgive yourself if he nodded off and one of your kids got hurt, or if he allowed other heroin users around your kids or in your home while you weren't there.
Please don't ask an active junkie to watch your children. Don't leave one alone with your kids even if he is their father. It's just not safe.
I know it's hard and it's not fair that you can't rely on him or trust him. But you would never forgive yourself if he nodded off and one of your kids got hurt, or if he allowed other heroin users around your kids or in your home while you weren't there.
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