katie44

I made a big mistake last nite. My spouse and I have set some pretty strict boundaries with our son the last few months and for that I feel better. Once in a while I will meet my son at the coffee shop. More for me then him I know he is okay. Last nite I stopped by his apartment. What a sight. Dirty dishes everywhere, cigarette butts in cups with mould. His TV and stereo gone obviously to a drug dealer. Absolutely disgusting! He looks horrible skin and bones. He proceeded to whine to me about his living conditions. "I have no job, I wish I were dead, I feel like giving up he went on and on.
All I said " Is only you can fix your life" well that did it. He was furious and told me to leave.
Didnt sleep last nite much with everything else thats going on too. I shouldnt have gone there. I know his recovery is his own and there is absolutely nothing we can do. It is just so sad, yet it makes me so angry at times. I pray he will find his HP, but at this point I know he has not yet hit bottom. I truly fear that he will never find recovery in his life.
I know it is the drugs not my son, he looks like an empty shell that has no conscience. His main goal in life is too find his next fix.

rozied

Oh Katie, I am so sorry. I know exactely how you feel. The last time my son had his own apt & I went to see him I cried, seeing how he now was living. It made me sick. The place was dark, dirty etc etc. He also was very depressed at the time as he had just gotten fired from this job he had found & liked alot for taking a car without asking.
I will pray for your son. I hope he soon gets the help he needs. Thats why today I am very glad Joey is in Wk Release.
Love & Hugs,
Diane
It is so very hard seeing our children like that.

mooselips

((((Katie))))
Big hugs to you....

Prayers for your son....
and your family

grateful2b

******{katie}}}}
saw my AD yesterday , so I am really feeling you....hugs and prayers for you and your son...remember he is in his HP's hands and so are you.. Grateful

Impurrfect

(((Katie)))

When my dad would come find me, every 2-3 months, he would find me on the street, take me to get something to eat, and we would go to the park and eat, as I had nowhere to leave. He would then drop me back off in the "hood". I can't imagine how hard this was for him to do.

Never give up hope...that's where I was, this is where I am now. Many people considered me "hopeless", too.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

katie44

Thanks for your prayers. So many sick people out there, I pray they will all find some peace and recovery in there lives. I truly hate what these drugs do to our loved ones. Seems so long ago that I would pass judjement on addicts. For that I feel shame, when it affects your own family it opens your eyes. They are people from all walks of life, I finally get it addiction has no boundaries. I watched my mother last year pass away from cirrosis with 2 years sobriety. By then it was too late dementia had set in. I loved my mother dearly I just dont get it. I find is so much harder to detach from AS. Not a nice thing to say it was very painful to watch her destroy herself and the last two years I was by her side. Maybe it is that I never truly realized how monsterous this addiction is.

sojourner

katie44:

Hallalujah!! More nails out of your son's scaffold of denial!! I saw a show on HBO once where a recovering addict made the observation that he did not notice the squalor of his apartment until somebody else came over
- then he noticed it and was appalled by it....

Your fear that your son will not find recovery is a mind-trick on you (i suffer from it too). At those times, we really don't believe there is a process, we don't believe a HP is working in the lives of our addicts to position them to want recovery, we fear we have done the wrong thing by "leaving them out to dry." Fight those thoughts - they are your red flags of your own impending relapse...

hang in there...

baxter

Boy, that sure is hard to see. Hugs to you and the family.

My AD is just the opposite, well kinda. When you walk in her place it is spotless until you open a cupboard or drawer or a closet. I think sometimes she even puts the dishes away dirty so that the stove and counter are clean.

Prayers they find their way.

caileesnana

Boy do I know how you feel! Those sights are something a mother should not have to see. Mine are burned into my permanent memory.

But, you are correct: only he can change it. I believe he knows that deep down, just doesn't/can't/won't start the process. People recover every day.

Praying for you and your son.
Another mom,
susan

marle

I have been there too and know the absolute horror that you feel. That is why I stopped seeing my daughter for a long time. She did get sick of the squalor, the lack of hygiene, etc., but it took over 2 years of her living in it to want to get better. Hugs, Marle

katie44

I guess we will never truly understand the mindset of the addict. Its now wonder he hasnt gotten food poisoning. At one time he was an immaculate kid. He says its because he is depressed doesnt feel like cleaning. I dont think I will stop in for a visit for a while, not a nice vision to have embedded in ones mind.

beac1960

Well it has been some time since i last posted.Since then my son has relapsed 2 or was it 3 times.LOLDose it realy matter.But the good news it he went to treatment in the spring of 2008.Been clean now 4 months.And seems to want it more this time.But as i know only time well tell.
His twin sister is not doing as good.Still out there using and working the street's.Last time i saw her she did not look good.She has lost so much weight.She look's grey.has needel mark's all over.She is now shooting up in the neck.Because her other vain's don't work for her.
She has been in the hospital 2 times in the last few months.But gets out and goes right back at it.
I am now trying to get her on the show Intervention.
It is the only why i see her getting help.I should hear from them soon.
I have done every thing that i can think of to help her.This is my one last try at saving her.:praying

jerect

When I get off work I always come home to a very messy and unsanitary house. I spend my whole evening cleaning up the mess my AH has left for me during the day. (we work opposite schedules) I wake up every morning to food being left out on the counters, dirty plates left wherever he leaves them and he never flushes the toilet. So while I'm rushing around trying to get myself ready for work, I'm still cleaning up a mess. I come home to the same mess that I wake up too. Once in a while he will do a load of laundry but thats only when he is out of clean work clothes.

Part of me is tempted to leave the mess and let him get sick of living like that but the other part of me refuses to live in such filth so I clean it up.

Is this typical addict behavior; Livng in absolute squalor conditions? I would be so embarrassed if someone came over while I was at work.

My MIL says that as a child, my AH was an immaculent house keeper. His room was always kept neat as a pin, his bed was made and his clothes all hung up. What the hell happend?????

kelsh

TRIGGER..........TRIGGER









I had no idea my Brother was into drugs....I knew he was an alcoholic back drinking....he sobered up first & then in 1988 when I sobered up he started drinking again & went on into drugs.

Both our parents are gone & our Dad left the family home to both of us...how awful it ended up....I actually had to evict my Brother & his Addict renters of the bedrooms so I could sell the house.

I had not made the trip to see my Brother for three years because the last time I went he took off on me & I couldn't find him. At that time the house was in good condition inside & out except the water was shut off and he was getting buckets of water from the neighbors to flush the toilet.

That was when I made up my mind to hire a lawyer there in town to help me.
My Brother no longer had a phone so I wrote to him to call me collect...the lawyer wrote letters to him & he did respond to some of them by leaving what was needed with the receptionist at the lawyer's office.

Then after three years of back & forth communication & expenses...my lawyer gave the case to his son just recently out of law school & had passed the Bar Exam. He took action immediately & that got some action going...my Brother's best friend called me & asked me about the eviction notice...why I was doing it...that my Brother was with him detoxing off Methametaphine but still drinking and was too sick to move out of the family home.

I got down to the nitty gritty with the lawyer & went from there...hired a contractor to clean out the house...sell everything that my Brother didn't want that was worth a dime or quarter...got a 40 yard dumpster...you all may be able to picture all of this...a 5 bedroom home that looked like a palace to me when I was 12 years old & now looked like a crack house I have seen on TV.

I was so humbled by this...it was so hard to take in what my Brother had let happen when on the drugs & alcohol....he couldn't even come back & look at the mess...it hit home with me what someone said about their son did not see his messy place until someone came to see him.

I got there later on the same day as the police came prepared to arrest the contractor for tresspassing on my Brother's property. Luckily he had my phone number & called my husband & he explained the circimstances & that I should be there in about two hours (an eight hour driving trip).

Then the next day when I came back after lunch, some guys that looked like undercover cops, were there & it turned out they were FBI Agents looking for one of the renters that was already long gone. :codiepolice

My daughter finally took me back to the motel to relax becausing I was starting to get a red face, pressured speech & the whole ball of wax that goes with a manic attack.

My Brother moved to Oregon with a friend & is supposed to be off the Meth by now & has gone to a doc since he had a slight heart attack & really wants to get back on track....I told him that I think he needs a medical detox or else he might die....has had so much drugs/alcohol in his system for almost 20 years....so detoxing more will not work...he is still cutting down on the alcohol & is finding it isn't working for him.

Wonder of wonders a lady & her daughter walked into the family home while it was still being cleaned out & wanted to buy it as is.....someone called HP was looking out for me I think! It is all sold, signed, & delivered so I am getting the payments.....paid off the last of back property taxes this last month and now have to figure out all I am owed that should have been my Brother's share.

Sorry this is such a long post but I understand the aches in your hearts over your children...I have a son too that is paralyized for the rest of his life from alcohol & drugs with an attempted suicide that he lived through.

I cannot take anymore so I have cried all my tears I thought but couldn't cry about my son being a quadraplegic...I just had a major manic attack with too much stress that started with this mess + more stress so after getting out of the hospital I started some short term DBT counseling that seems like it is what I really need for some things in my life that cannot change for the good so have to learn emotionally how to handle them. :sorry

kelsh

katie44

Oh Kelsh, Im so sorry sounds like you have been through a lot. Time to look after yourself. Im glad you are in counselling and seeking help. You have been through every parents worst nightmare. So often we neglect ourselves in the throws of addiction.

Hurtbad2505

I so know what you mean....when my AS moved out this last time, I helped him take some stuff to his new place. When I saw this place my heart just hurt...little hole in the basement..not a window, not a drop of food in the fridge. I just couldn't believe that he would choose 'this' over getting clean and staying home. I'll admit that I did buy him some food...not much, but enough that I knew he would have something to eat.

He is not doing his DOC at the moment....is in a methadone clinic...but he had been snorting xanax for a couple of weeks..straight..and I couldn't handle the drama anymore so I told him get help or get out. I had a day or two of the codie guilts..just felt like I was 'giving up' on him ya know?? But I kept repeating...Hands off the Addict...and got through..

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone...lots of us mom's out here that see that sadness too...hang in there...

Ann

(((Katie)))

I'm sorry you had to see that. Prayers for your boy and some for you too.

Hugs

sleepygoat

Like everyone else, I know what you are feeling. The evidence of their disease, their unmanageable life is everywhere and so painful to see up close. My own pattern is to decide to stay away, and then miss her after a while and not stay away, and then feel really upset when I see her and her life, and then resolve to stay away....
We do the best we can.

sistergldnhair

Prayers for you. I know that with my AS in rehab now, when I think of him I think of the sweet little blond haired boy and just cry when I see what a shell of that he has become. I don't even know him anymore..

:sorry

katie44

A shell is right. When I speak to AS we are a thousand miles apart. When he tells me something it is generally a lie. He only says what he wants me to hear. So sad when I hug him I feel as if I am hugging an empty person. I know that sounds strange and I often wonder if other people feel that way. He is such a thieving and manipulative con I often wonder who this person is? I know it is the drug, and they will do anything to get it, but I wonder where that hansome young man went too. There are still family members that are distant and have no idea he is a drug user, they often comment on what a charming, kind young man he is when they see him. I often think " if you only knew" this charming young man would rob you blind if he had the chance. All so sad.