Something I don't miss....

Old 09-30-2008, 10:02 AM
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Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
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Something I don't miss....

I am not sure why but I have had this strong pull to post this today - maybe someone is reading that needs this and it's really not that big of a deal but maybe some of you can relate:

Where I am today it looks like it could rain at any minute - now back in the day while living with ABF -who works at a golf course - I would have been sitting here becoming a nervous wreck wondering if he will get off early and if he does - what bar would he end up at? Would he come home early? Would he get so drunk that he would start looking for "something" to perk him up?

Sheesh - I can just breathe a sigh of relief that I do NOT have to deal with anymore. Yall have no idea of how peaceful that thought is.

Aaaaah - the joy of NOT dealing with an alcoholic anymore.
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Old 09-30-2008, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by lovtolaff View Post
Aaaaah - the joy of NOT dealing with an alcoholic anymore.
I can so relate, and thanks for the uplifting post.
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Old 09-30-2008, 10:40 AM
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Oh yes indeed i can relate to this. Payday was the stomach turner for me, and the endless telephone calls, starting off jolly and after a few hours the miserable and angry calls. Ugh how on earth did i put up with it????

Oh life is sweet on my side of the street.

Gill
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Old 09-30-2008, 11:13 AM
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Payday was the stomach turner for me, and the endless telephone calls, starting off jolly and after a few hours the miserable and angry calls.
Aaah payday....ugh. That was a stomach turner for me too. Especially if he got off work before I did - oh the worry!!

And what is it with drunks and telephones? lol

Ugh how on earth did i put up with it????
Don't feel bad - I ask myself this question ALOT but what is important to me is I am NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH IT!!! It might have taken me longer than the average person lol but I had my belly full FINALLY!!!
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Old 09-30-2008, 03:47 PM
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Mine was a construction worker. Nothing struck more fear in my heart than a tropical storm. Not that I cared about the storm outside the house, I was more worried about the storm within. Coming home from a ten hour day, beer bottles all over the place, him passed out on the couch. JOY! Not lol. Nope don't miss it at all. Life is good
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Old 09-30-2008, 05:15 PM
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Mine was a construction worker. Nothing struck more fear in my heart than a tropical storm. Not that I cared about the storm outside the house, I was more worried about the storm within. Coming home from a ten hour day, beer bottles all over the place, him passed out on the couch.
ugh. just reading that made my stomach sick. oh how i remember those "rain days". except mine couldn't stand to STAY home - had to go, go, go. ick i need a shower.

But yes life is good - I can BREATHE.
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Old 09-30-2008, 05:17 PM
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There ya go and it only gets better from here.
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Old 09-30-2008, 05:26 PM
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When I think back to the dread that filled my days for one reason or another, I wondered why I stayed so long. I think part of what enabled me to finally leave was fully admitting to myself that I was uncomfortable in my own home and dreaded coming home from work. It opened my eyes to what I was allowing to be acceptable, what I was allowing my son's life to be like, to the fact that I was living a life I found unacceptable and had always told myself I would not live (from growing up in an alcoholic household). Those realizations let me take action finally.

I thank God every day for the peace and joy and growth I have found over the past year+.
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Old 09-30-2008, 05:58 PM
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I do not miss those days at all anymore either!

Let's hear it for better days for all of us!
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Old 09-30-2008, 06:19 PM
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Some days it's hard for me to remember what that was like. I tend to idealize the marriage, looking back to the early days and the companionship. But you all are right, at the end it was gut wrenching to be driving home from drawing class at night wondering what I was going to find when I got home. My stomach would start to clench up a few blocks from the house. That doesn't happen anymore. I never knew what to do when he would be up all night throwing up and with the dry heaves - do I leave for a hotel room? It got so I just couldn't listen to it anymore. So I did leave my own house and go to a hotel more than once. What an insane life!! Then after the umpteenth time driving around drunk he hit a family in a mini van, and now he's facing two years house arrest.

Thank goodness it's not my house. I have my own house now and although there isn't really anyone to talk to except the dog (who is a wonderful listener!), at least I don't get freaked out coming through my own door. I can't say it's great just yet, but I believe you all when you say it gets better. I just have a lot to work through yet.
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Old 10-01-2008, 02:17 AM
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One weekend, i went away for the night with some girlfriends. I came home real early on Sunday morning to find the garage looking like a bar and smelling like one and upon walking further thru the yard, I found our french doors all splintered and beat in. I ran in the house and there he was, passed out on the couch, he said he locked himself out so he used a crow bar to get in....a window 3 feet away was open with just a screen...about 1500.00 dollars later a new door. God, makes me sick thinking about this. So glad not to be dealing with that anymore!
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Old 10-01-2008, 04:38 AM
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I think part of what enabled me to finally leave was fully admitting to myself that I was uncomfortable in my own home and dreaded coming home from work.
Yep. This is when I KNEW that the life I was CHOOSING to live was just NOT going to work. It is MY house and to have feelings of dread to walk into your OWN house is not a good thing. Every day at work I'd worry and fret about what I would "walk into" when I got home. I finally realized that I didn't have to live that way.

I tend to idealize the marriage, looking back to the early days and the companionship.
Rosie - I STILL do this!! I find myself remembering all the "good" times or all of the "sweet/passionate" things he would say to me. Ugh. But as I've been told many times on here - you have to play the tape ALL THE WAY THRU in order to heal. When I start to think about how sweet he could be - I make myself remember the hatefulness or argumentativeness (is that a word? lol) he would show after having a few drinks. He took me for granted and had a weird belief that if you LOVE someone - you LOVE them thru anything. Ya know I'm all for "for better or worse" but come on!! Someone that is fighting an addiction (and in denial to boot) in my opinion, doesn't have the ability to have a "healthy love" for their partner.

And Rosie - I STILL find myself missing him. But I think I miss my hopes and dreams rather than him as a person...sometimes it's just hard to seperate the two.

And yes it DOES get better.
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Old 10-01-2008, 08:34 AM
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I hated pay day too, I would try to get to the bank asap and withdraw the maximum amount allowed for the day so that he couldn't waste the money on booze and leave us short to pay the bills again. I would get very stressed about him going to the cash machine at the turn of midnight to take out money that it would keep me awake and led me to searching his pockets when he had passed out for his debit card.

I had such terrible nerves too. I remember being hyper sensitive to noise, raised voices, people knocking at my door. I was terrified toward the end of conflict and the constant 'living on the egde' and the unpredictablitiy of a volitile aggressive human had turned me into a bag of nerves, I would break down at the drop of a hat. I believe now looking back that if I hadn't found SR and learnt how to detach (which for me could only be accomplished successfully by ending the relationship) I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Life is so much better. It was his birthday this week, and I didn't even feel compelled to call him. I just want completely out of his drama now, it is not mine anymore.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 10-01-2008, 08:37 AM
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I'm still in that posistion. I get very nervous when I know my ah is coming to see the kids. I guess I always will. At least I check him outside before the kids knows he is even here and this way he can leave.
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Old 10-01-2008, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
I guess I always will.
Only as long as you allow it to continue Stubborn. I admit that making him move out and having no contact allowed my nerves the space and tranquility needed for them to gain their strength once more. In time I was increasingly able to deal with conflicts as they arose in my life and to tell him certain things when he would call me drunk.

However I was also attending therapy and learning how to trust me once more, re affirming who I was and what is special/important and loving about me, constructively learning how to deal with stressors and conflicts etc. These tools on their own would have worked given time, but the no contact and having him removed from my daily life was tantamount to my nerves recouperating so quickly.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 10-01-2008, 04:57 PM
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My name is TooMuch and I am a recovering Catholic I say this because I still believe in marriage
I went to post to someone in response to this but thanks to Vista the dang browser closed!

When my stbx was working the program he was not in denial, had he continued working the program I might not be posting right now or I would be posting from a totally different perspective. He's not and I am not so here we are.

Not all relationships are the same but if we are not willing to take our own inventory between relationships then there is a very good chance we will be drawn to the same type over and over. In my line of work we call doing a complete inventory a wall to wall. I have right now done a daily count but have not yet done a wall to wall, it needs to be done before the end of the quarter or my accounts payable will be very upset with me lol. After all, we can't bill someone for something that isn't there.

Nerves, loud noises, anxiety attacks; let me add a new one to the mix, the dog that can recognize the sound of a vehicle from a mile away. Yep, the nerves get shot.
I am one of those lucky folks who have been diagnosed with chronic post traumatic stress disorder. I so understand. For the most part when you leave the cause of the stress this will pass. If it doesn't well number one, if you smoke anything other than cigarettes, stop. This only increases anxiety attacks. I am not saying anyone does but if you do this is a word to the wise. If you are able to feel a panic attack coming on try to go into a dark quiet place and just breath for a minute or two. Try to take at least fifteen minutes a day just for you and you alone. No thinking allowed! Plenty of sleep because a lack of sleep is a big panic attack trigger, same with diet. Lay off caffeine as much as you can. If you can cut back on smoking cigarettes or quit that much the better. Take walks or exercise, this is a great stress reliever and produces the hormones the body would make with out the help of pharmaceuticals. OK, off my soap box, I just know these are things that worked for me.
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Old 10-01-2008, 07:13 PM
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I don't miss walking on egg shells on Thursdays.....the day before he brought home his pay so the bills could get paid. He held that darn thing over our heads like a club. And always got extra drunk on those nights.......
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Old 10-02-2008, 06:13 AM
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I don't miss walking on egg shells on Thursdays
Oh man - my "walking on eggshells" got to be way too often for my liking. Trying to keep the peace - trying not to say the "wrong" thing that would start an arguement - trying to only talk about "good" stuff. YUCK. What was I thinking that I felt like I had to do that??

Ick. Ick. Ick.

On another note - I dreamed of him last night. Dreamed he came back home - and I didn't feel good about it b/c I knew I could never trust him again. I want him out of my head already.
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Old 10-02-2008, 06:23 AM
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Thanks ladies.... It's really good for me to hear this. I'm in the middle of it now. My stomach clenches up when I come home. I have to watch what I say in conversations. I never know what's going to happen to throw the AW into a rage. Things don't get done, or strange things get done so we run out of money before next paydays.

Sleep is hard, I'm always tired. Food is hit or miss, as is the ability to enjoy things that I used to do, watch or read. I've got to keep one eye and one ear always open.

Redd
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Old 10-02-2008, 06:44 AM
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It wasn't just pay day for me. It was every day that he worked. I always knew that work day meant drink day. He would crack open the first beer as soon as he hit the car and hit the bar as soon as the car got him there. If he worked 6 days a week, and that was most of the time, he drank 6 days a week. The only day he didn't drink was an off day and that was because I wouldn't allow alcohol in the house. I dreaded the afternoons. I would start worrying the minute I thought he was done work. That would last for the afternoon while I was at work. Then I dreaded going home because I knew by then he would be smashed or pretty well smashed. Then I dreaded dinner because I never knew if he was a happy drunk that day, a mad drunk that day or a sad drunk that day. Shortly after dinner was when relief finally came because I knew he would be headed for bed because he was really "tired".

I do not miss those days at all. Why oh why didn't I realize what turmoil I was putting myself through and how sad my life had become. Living with dread each and every day is not living at all.
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