cyclelady

Yesterday AM I had called the AH on my way to work to tell him that when the kids’ football season is over (2 weeks) he seeks treatment or the boys and I are leaving and that this is not an EMPTY threat this time, I’m dead serious. I did tell him that this is HIS choice. If he wants treatment (help) he will seek it. I do not want him to get help for me or the kids I want him to get help for HIM. I said that it wouldn’t work any other way. He began screaming that it is either MY way or no way that I always win. That if he doesn’t get help then I’m taking his kids and his house, this is an ultimatum and it is BS! When he had come home he had went and bought a 12 pack of neer beer. What is this for? He had been drinking daily why do this now? Does he think that this is going to make me see that he can “control” his drinking?

This morning I needed info from the AH. I needed to turn in the head count for the Boy Scout camping trip so I asked my AH if he was going to attend with us this weekend. He nastily said “I told you, you were on your F’in own with this Boy Scout, Sh&t.” I said ok, I wanted to make sure so you don’t say you want to go after I turn in the head count sheet. He proceeds to say that I’m going to turn this into another thing that he is a F’ed up dad and don’t do anything with his kids and so forth. I just stood there not feeding into his line of crap!

He turns the conversation over to the AA paper that I had placed on the counter. He says that I MUST be an alcoholic because last fall when we went to a party and I had passed out. I went on to remind him that I only had a FEW (4) beers and I had also taken Claritin D for my allergies. The reaction didn’t mix very well obviously. HMMM, did I learn from that mistake, YES. I told him that the difference is that I can control my consumption of alcohol and learn from mistakes that I make and he can not. He starts saying he can control his drinking. He went on to say that when we break up I had better not date anyone who drinks and I had better not drink any alcohol because I’m against it so much. Now while saying this he is speaking in an extremely childish voice, I’m sure you have all heard it, so I look at him like he is crazy and say, “What are you now, 2?”:bounce

Now mind you I waited until the kids were at school so none of this was in front of them and I have been calm throughout the whole conversation. I think my reading and counseling have helped quite a bit!! I am committed to following through with my decision when the dance continues past 2 weeks. Could/should I have done or said anything different here?
- I'm trying to catch and change my codie behaviors and also emtionally detach but I get ticked off when he wants to turn every conversation around!~~Thanks for listening~~

AmpHusky

IMO, you, like me, got sucked into an arguement. But, you stuck to you guns and got out of it. Now stick to your plan. No backing down.

denny57

The way to avoid having "conversations" turned around is to not have them in the first place.

How about discussing the weather for the next 2 weeks?

cyclelady

I can do that- :o) When he brings things up do I just ignore him and walk away?

denny57

I think it depends on the people (you and him). In my case, I did the uh um, I see, ok, etc. Then I would deliberately change the conversaton to something pleasant and non-combative.

It takes practice, but the dance can definitely stop.

Good luck!

Stubborn1

You say you want HIM to get help on his own but yet you threw an ultimatum at him. If he does go to treatment or meetings it will be because of your ultimatum and not his own choice. Maybe you do not see what you did there. I know it's hard to see.
There should never be an ultimatum. If you want to leave because he drinks then you should leave.
Keep getting counseling. He doesn't sound close to wanting anything.

cyclelady

I didnt see it as an ultimatum. I dont want there to be an ultimatum. I know he will not get help because "he doesnt need help" I said I would leave after football because it is my choice not to live with the behavior anymore. What is the difference between choices and ultimatums? I see that if he chooses to get help then we can work on things. If he chooses not too then we can not. I dont feel that I'm doing this for selfish/controlling reasons which would make it an ultimatum, right?
thanks

Freedom1990

If you are doing it for yourself and what you can/can't live with, that's not an ultimatum. That is a boundary. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself and your children!

LaTeeDa

In my mind, the difference between ultimatums and boundaries is the desired outcome. Only you know what you are trying to accomplish, so only you know if it is a boundary or and ultimatum.

If the desired outcome is to get him to do something, or stop doing something (drinking), then it is an ultimatum. If the desired outcome is to change your circumstances and make your own life better, then it is a boundary. I would think that if it is a boundary, it wouldn't necessarily be changable without some meaningful, long-term difference. In other words, if he says okay, I'll start going to AA, are you going to change your mind? If so, sounds like an ultimatum to me. A threat to get him to do what you want him to do. If, on the other hand, he says he will go to AA, and you say great, I'm still leaving, but I hope it works for you and I will consider talking about reconciliation after (some period of time) of sobriety, then it would be more of a boundary.

The motivation behind the action is key.

L

cyclelady

If, on the other hand, he says he will go to AA, and you say great, I'm still leaving, but I hope it works for you and I will consider talking about reconciliation after (some period of time) of sobriety, then it would be more of a boundary.

I worded it something like this- that we could "think" about reconciliation if, when, and after he seeks treatment, but until then that is NOT an option.

Thank you LTD - that does allow me to stand back and see the difference.

My desired outcome is to make my children and my life better. Wish the AH could make his better with us - but I don't see that happening anytime soon. The more I learn the better I feel and the stronger I seem to get.
Thanks!

Stubborn1

Sorry if I worded that wrong. I took it as you telling him "I'm going to take the kids and leave unless you get help" which he would take as a threat and I took as an ultimatum.
You wrote:
Yesterday AM I had called the AH on my way to work to tell him that when the kids’ football season is over (2 weeks) he seeks treatment or the boys and I are leaving .

To me that sounds like he has two weeks to ship up or he has the threat of you leaving. If he does start to go to meetings then you will stay.
The thing is with that is he might go to meetings, he might go to a weekend detox only because you threatend him. It is doing it for the wrong reasons. Any good alcoholic will fake getting better to get their loved ones to stay. It's called white knucking it. Some even stop for a short time and that's called a dry drunk. Those are most miserable. I have even found myself wishing he would drink and be happy again.
It's a horrible disease indeed.
I hope that clarified what I meant.

cyclelady

Yes you did - and it did come across that I said it that way. I told him he has 2 weeks to decide if he leaves or me and the kids leave. There that sounds like the way i said it to him. When I write and I'm upset i get all jumbled up.
Thanks Stubborn for clarifying.
LOL - I'm not as emotional today!!! :ghug3