Update on me and my situation...

Old 09-29-2008, 05:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
IPT
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Update on me and my situation...

So, it's been a while since I’ve posted. After a fun 5 day trip with my g/f we got back and after 2 days she had to go use (just weed, but a drug is a drug and it takes time away from “us”). She felt that since we had so many good days together I should understand. She was surprised I was still upset. She made it back that night but the next morning said she was still upset. After we spoke she said she was unsure of many things and struggling, that she didn’t know what she wanted. She ultimately took all her things from my house and left. Strangely she came over the next few days and we had a good time. Then the next weekend she opened up about some of her struggles. I tried to be supportive but she ended up feeling like I didn't understand and feeling that I trivialized her issues. She left that morning because she “just needed some time” and said she'd be back in the AM. I told her history showed she wouldn’t make it back. She got upset again (“you always judge me on the past”) and assured me she would make it, then cancelled by text 2 hours after she was supposed to be over.

Ugh...I texted her back that she I was tired of her only being around for fun things (we had another trip planned for the up-coming weekend) and that I would see her in a few weeks. Then she sort of pursued me by text for a few days and then withdrew (“hope you are happier without me…”). We were supposed to meet last Wed, she postponed (she wasn't "ready yet"). Friday same thing, but we spoke on the phone. The long and short of it was she was struggling with a lot of things and felt too much pressure from the relationship and my expectations. She wasn't sure what she wanted in life in general. She felt bad enough about herself and my expecting her to change and having a hard time with her slips were too much for her. After much prodding from me about why she never showed that Sunday she said because she was “upset”. I suggested that since she didn’t know what she wanted (and I had barely seen her for 3 weeks )I was going to start seeing other people. She said she understood.
Next day she texted me that she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but just wasn’t ready right now (huh??). She said she didn’t want to lose me. That she was ashamed of her addiction and that she was sorry her “use” was hurting me as that was never her intention.
Sooo, here I am (sigh). Sad, feeling like I failed in some way, and feeling the loss of all the good time we did and could have had. Oscillating back and forth between waiting to hear from her, or making the mental decision to grieve, accept the loss (if it is really that..as clearly she has some issues to work out) and move on. My friends are sad for me, but in general think I should have left long ago. Still sad and painful for me. I hate that I am second guessing myself. Did I give her enough space? Was I too harsh? Were my expectation too high? Could I have done anything different?

The good news is that I did learn to keep my feelings in check, not over-react, make crazy phone calls, or manipulate. Thanks in a large part to this place.
IPT is offline  
Old 09-29-2008, 07:51 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry this isn't working out and sorry that she continues to use. I know this must be hard for you but reading your post it appears she wants you and the drugs, which makes for a toxic relationship.

You sound like you are doing the do things, and I'm glad you are thinking of moving forward in your life. You are worth so much better than all this and remaining in a relationship with an active addict only draws you into her hell.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 09-30-2008, 03:19 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
rozied
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear IPT, I believe she cares for you alot & would really like to be clean all of the time but she is just not ready to do that. When you expect her to enjoy being together all the time & never smoking pot again, she rebels cuz she is just not ready to give it up.
If you allowed her to smoke pot when she felt like she wanted to & be with you also I doubt whether she'd ever pull back.
But that is not the case, you want a woman who doesn't use & unfortunately it is not this woman.
Love MUST be unconditional if it is to go the distance. You cannot fall in love with somene, then try & change them.
IMHO you are holding on because you have a few yrs invested in this relationship, you are comfortable with her, and to break up & find someone else is not something you look forward to doing.
IPT you cannot have your cake & eat it too. Either you love & accept her just the way she is or end it & find someone who doesn't use drugs.
I don't mean to sound harsh but I am now 61 yrs old & for me this is so easy to see.
Wishing you the very best,
Love,
Diane
rozied is offline  
Old 09-30-2008, 11:32 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
How can you be sure it's just pot? Disappearing for the whole night is not typical for a pot smoker.

Whatever it is, I hope you can figure out what you want in a relationship and what your boundaries are. Don't base your future on someone elses empty promises.

Accepting someones behavior is completely different than having expectations that someones behavior is going to change based on what we want for them. There is an saying "expectations are premediated resentments." We can only set expectations for ourselves, for our reactions. Not for other people. Unless we want to be continually disappointed...

It's important to figure out what we want in a relationship and go after it, and if it's not a person who smokes pot constantly and disappears for the entire night, then the next step would be to do something about it.
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 09-30-2008, 05:54 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
imallright's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
So true and yet, so difficult to do sometimes. Please take care of you. I agree... if you don't want to be with someone who uses and isn't ready to stop... don't be with her... it doesn't change just because you want it to or because it's the "right way" for it to be. Trust me on that!
imallright is offline  
Old 10-03-2008, 10:54 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
IPT
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Thanks Diane, and for all of the replies. Yes, I agree if she were able to smoke pot with me things would probably be fine. Just not something I am comfortable with. Though I wonder sometimes if it is really any different than having a beer after work? Yeah, maybe it is more than weed. The thought has crossed my mind many times. I think the reason it ends up being for the entire night or more is more related to her co-dependant relationship with her family (who she smokes and stays with). She essentially has no friends really except them. Then she is "scared" to see me (she is "scared of just about everything") so just avoids it because she feels like I will be upset at her decisions.

It's insane really. FInally I am starting to get enough distance to see it a little more clearly. I have posted a new dating profile on-line. Also I have not been reaching out her. She says she wants to quit and is working on way to do it in a relationship. When she has that plan in action then I'll think about it. Until I guess I am a free agent...
IPT is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:35 AM.