decenda

I realize that no one is "normal" but you guys know what I mean.

I have spent a few weeks reading the threads and posts on this message board and you all sound like such honest and compassionate people (maybe too much so in a lot of cases). most of you seem to have found marriage and have children, etc etc.

I consider myself a pretty successful human being. I was the first person in my family to finish a (non military) college... got a degree in engineering... am doing very well in a male-dominated industry.

But how did I get here? How did we all end up so well? Sometimes when I say bad things about my mom, people will respond with "well you turned out okay, so don't give her too hard of a time." There are a lot of you on here that had a lot worse and still turned out okay. Did our parents do something right or was it the fact that we had to "grow up" a lot faster than other children? So our parents were destructive and constructive at the same time (probably not meaning to be either).

I was just wondering if anyone else here has ever thought about this. I feel like I blame my parents for everything bad about myself but I don't give them enough credit for the good things.

GiveLove

I understand what you're saying, but I don't have any intention of giving my parents credit for the good things I have created for myself in spite of, not because of, their actions.

Here's an example: All my life I have gotten straight A's. It stems from the punishment and criticism I received when I was young when I got bad grades. So now it's a phobia with me...I make the Dean's List every semester because I still have this visceral need to protect myself by doing well, and this inner craving to be loved because I do well.

Should I give my parents credit for my academic success?

I am compassionate because I have lost virtually everyone I ever loved to addiction. I treasure each waking day because so much has been taken away from me. I am creative and resourceful because, as a child of alcoholics, I had to think of ever-new ways to avoid their wrath and abuse.

In other words, I am "normal" largely because of the coping mechanisms I was forced to develop to survive my parents. They didn't care a bit about my happiness or success when they chose their actions, so I wouldn't dream of patting them on the back for it. Nor do I see them as demons though......the bad they brought to my life was just a reflection of who they were at the time. Most good days, I am simply neutral: X, Y, and Z happened, and as a result I've become A,B, and C. So it goes.

Does that make sense, decenda? Or am I babbling?

GingerM

My standard response to this was something someone told me many many years ago:

Sometimes we turn out the way we do because of our parents. Sometimes we turn out the way we do in spite of them.