Cassey

My son is driving me crazy, he is 15 years old. I am having a terrible time with him.

I have to constantly get on his butt to do homework, and study.

I feel like giving up and letting the cards fall where they fall.

I know that I cant give up, but man is it hard.

He sat in his spanish class today and was suppose to be working on a in class assignment that needed to be turned in at the end of the hour and he chose to write a letter to this girl and break up with her. Erggggggggggggggg This is the same girl that he was walking to her class and was late for his class two days in a row lastweek. If he is late one more time he will have to get a letter sent home and signed. So his already C turned into a C-. I asked him about it and he said he didnt pay attention to class today and that he can turn the assignment in tomorrow. I said what if your teacher wont accept it because it was late. Very possible for a sophmore who is suppose to be responsible. Such a laxy daisy attitude I just feel like saying I am so done.

I am the most giving person in the world, and it seems like my children are the most selfish, self centered people in the world.

I drove my (19 year old) daughter's car to work today and she just called and told me she was going to be home in about 15 minutes. She was on a trip since Thursday.

I told her that I took her car so I wouldnt have to move cars around and there was gas in it and I didnt have time to stop and put gas in my van. It was my youngest daughters picture day today so I got off to work later than normal so I could do her hair for pictures. My daughter gave me an attitude and kept saying why, and I said I will talk to you when I get home. She kept saying WHY, I said I will talk to you when I get HOME. I am angry with her attitude she gave me.

I just feel like I cant deal with all this crap right now. I have a good mind to go home and just yell at everyone. But where will that get me accept for both of them looking at me like I am nuts (Love that).

LaTeeDa

You might look into the possibility that those two facts may be related.

Once I realized I was codependent, I learned to stop trying to control my AH. It was hard, but I managed to learn to let him make his own choices, and live with the consequences.

At some point, I realized that I was just as controlling with my children as I had been with the A. Ouch! That one was much harder to deal with. The only role models I had to learn what parenting was all about from were my alcoholic father and codependent mother. They went back and forth from being completely neglectful to overly-controlling. And I was doing it with my kids.

This behavior was much harder to change. The idea of my children suffering consequences for their choices was much, much more difficult to swallow. But, I'm here to tell you, it works.

I've had some really good heart-to-heart talks with them and they understand what is theirs to own. And they understand the consequences of slacking off in school, etc. Example: My daughter really wants to go to college. I do not have the money to finance a college education, and even if I did, I would not be investing my hard-earned money into someone who didn't care enough to put an effort into high school. So, she now realizes that she will not achieve her dream if she isn't willing to do the work. I did not have to nag her or threaten her. I simply needed to sit down with her and show her how A connects to B and ultimately to C. The change in our relationship has been amazing since stopped trying to control her.

L

Mr B

Hi Cassey, have you ever heard of a book called How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk? I got it to help me with my kids who are, admittedly, a good bit younger than yours. But the communication skills that it gave me have been useful in many aspects of my life. It might be worth a read.

It reminds me of bits of several other, more general "self-help" books, but put together in a way that is easy to grasp. At its core It's about communicating ones own feelings and needs effectively as well as how to help others express their needs and feelings. It also stresses that, sometimes, as parents we just have to let consequences happen to our children for their poor choices. I know in my life that the lessons that I've learned the best are the ones that were painful to learn.

Mr B.

TooMuch4TooLong

Sophomore year is really hard, I know it has been tough on my girl too. Pick your battles with the kids. There are things that as a parent you have the right to say "This is not up for argument" and that is the end of the conversation. I only have one kid so I don't have a whole lot of room to give advice I know. I just try to make sure that I don't ride her over things that in the long run won't mean anything, like a messy room, and talk to her about the things that do like grades and accountability. Oh yeah they might look at you like you are crazy but sometimes you just have to blow up to get your point across as long as it's for a good reason.

Bernadette

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk?

YES!!! Great Recommend! This book saved my life and helped me with real tools to become the parent I wanted to be instead of just trying desperately NOT to be my mother!

Lotta wisdom in LTD's post too...hard stuff no doubt, but worth tackling.

hang in there Cassey- sometimes it's best not to react and just put up your umbrella...
Peace-
B.

lizw

Do you attend Al Anon or Nar Anon?

Only reason I have a decent relationship with my 13 year old daughter is because I do. Sure we have our fights and struggles but I have learnt and continue to learn, how to encourage and guide her, rather than do stuff for her then resent it because she is ungrateful.

I can be as controling with her as I did with the A's in my life and I am grateful I have Al Anon to go to. Dunno where I'd be with out it.

:day4

justjo

When I read your post I thought - Now where have I heard this before. When I look back I think my biggest fault was that I wanted my kids to have the perfect life. We dont like seeing our kids do wrong, make big mistakes, mix with the wrong people, be irresponsilbe or fall hard. Geez, what Ive been through with my 3 boys and I look back and just remind myself that we all grow up eventually. I had to let them face the world and suffer consequences in the end as much as it hurt them.
When a 15 yr old boy doesnt want to do his homework we worry about the consequences for it. Its hard, we want them to do well. We want them to care and we want to control that.
I just found with encouraging attention, a good sense of humour and telling my sons how proud I was of them, it all eventually came together. I remember writing little notes for them and thinking that they probably thought I was silly. But I knew how much it meant to them when I found my notes hidden.
Love to U. JJ

AmpHusky

My kids aren't that old yet, but I was one of those kids. I hated doing home work, I never really paid attention in class. I just barely graduated from HS, I had several D's in the last semester, and only had maybe one B throughout HS. When I was 25, I decided to go to college, and I had to take all the remedial classes. Took 8 yrs but I now have a B.S..

I had a production worker come in my office the other day, asking me how to go to college through work. He was 25 as well. He didn't want to be on the production floor all his life.

They will get it, have faith.

Barbara52

Around the age your son is, I stopped trying to make my sons do what they were suppsoed to do and let them feel the natural consequences of not doing their school work. If their grades went down they lost privileges. If they had to stay at school late to make stuff up they walked home. All sorts of things along those lines.

I figured it was better that they feel consequences in highschool (from me or the school) when the consequences were not as bad or long lasting than to start feeling thos econsequences when fully out in the world and the consequences could really screw up their lives.

Since I have gotten into my own recovery, I am applying hwat I've been learning to my relationships in general and specifically with my sons. I have stopped nagging my 19 yo who still lives with me about pretty much everything. He konws my expectations about chores and actions on his part and he knows what I will do if he doesn't follow thru on the agreed committments. He knows what the consequences will be. If he doesn't stay in school or work, he knows I will not be rescuing him. It's led to us having a much better, more open relationship.