What is it that I want?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
What is it that I want?
Here I sit, 30 weeks pregnant, stuck in a town that has nothing for me---no relatives or friends to turn to.
I just want to cry. I want to cry because I want love, but the only one who can give it to me here hurts me beyond what he knows.
My Addicted and Alcoholic BF is currently jobless. It is Monday morning and he is snoozing in our bedroom. All I want is his love, for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me it will be okay.....at the same time all that love just brings hurt.
He is trying to sober up. Hasn't been drinking because we have no money---has been smoking pot resin out of a pipe (how he's going to get a job, I'll never know). He's been helpful around the house, and this past weekend he was a real family man. Did homework with his little boy, we all went to the park and had a few nice dinners together.
Why is it so hard to trust? Is this it? I feel so guilty because I can't bring myself to trust that this really is it. I know in a few months he'll think it's okay to disappear again on a binge.
He has refused that he has a problem. The "I can quit anytime I want" phrase has passed his lips.
2 weeks ago he disappeared and went on a coke binge. Didn't come home to our bed. Didn't come home until the next day. Didn't answer his phone calls or so much as text me to tell me he was okay. He says he leaves because of me. He says he needs his freedom. He ended up losing his job (also blamed this on me because I called his boss to find out if he came to work).
I think he needs help, but I know that only he can help him get help.
I just want to go home to my family. I'm so scared to leave at the same time. I feel so lonely and then I feel a little kick in my belly telling me I have to be strong---I have a new life to bring into the world. Someone who needs me more.
Hugs are very much appreciated....
K
I just want to cry. I want to cry because I want love, but the only one who can give it to me here hurts me beyond what he knows.
My Addicted and Alcoholic BF is currently jobless. It is Monday morning and he is snoozing in our bedroom. All I want is his love, for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me it will be okay.....at the same time all that love just brings hurt.
He is trying to sober up. Hasn't been drinking because we have no money---has been smoking pot resin out of a pipe (how he's going to get a job, I'll never know). He's been helpful around the house, and this past weekend he was a real family man. Did homework with his little boy, we all went to the park and had a few nice dinners together.
Why is it so hard to trust? Is this it? I feel so guilty because I can't bring myself to trust that this really is it. I know in a few months he'll think it's okay to disappear again on a binge.
He has refused that he has a problem. The "I can quit anytime I want" phrase has passed his lips.
2 weeks ago he disappeared and went on a coke binge. Didn't come home to our bed. Didn't come home until the next day. Didn't answer his phone calls or so much as text me to tell me he was okay. He says he leaves because of me. He says he needs his freedom. He ended up losing his job (also blamed this on me because I called his boss to find out if he came to work).
I think he needs help, but I know that only he can help him get help.
I just want to go home to my family. I'm so scared to leave at the same time. I feel so lonely and then I feel a little kick in my belly telling me I have to be strong---I have a new life to bring into the world. Someone who needs me more.
Hugs are very much appreciated....
K
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I'm so sorry. You sound so all alone. Is this what you want long term? I know what it's like to hope that your significant other will snap out of it and make you feel safe. It's so hard.
Your story reminded me something that happened to me. I lived with a guy in an apartment complex with balconies for the apartments higher up. The place he stayed all night getting coked up had a balcony that faced our balcony. We were about 4 stories up. There was a concrete courtyard between us. When I woke up, I couldn't believe he was still over there. I called over there and the gal who lived there told him I was on the phone and wanted him to come home. He told her to tell me he'd be home when he felt like it and we hung up. A few minutes later, I called back and asked them to look out the window and hung up. They all came to the window and saw me holding his expensive stereo over the balcony. He came running home.
Anyway, it's insanity when you're with someone who covets drugs and/or alcohol. While you may love this guy, you're going to live in insanity as long as he continues to feed his addiction. I hope he can work it out and I hope you can make some friends. Have you tried Al-Anon?
Your story reminded me something that happened to me. I lived with a guy in an apartment complex with balconies for the apartments higher up. The place he stayed all night getting coked up had a balcony that faced our balcony. We were about 4 stories up. There was a concrete courtyard between us. When I woke up, I couldn't believe he was still over there. I called over there and the gal who lived there told him I was on the phone and wanted him to come home. He told her to tell me he'd be home when he felt like it and we hung up. A few minutes later, I called back and asked them to look out the window and hung up. They all came to the window and saw me holding his expensive stereo over the balcony. He came running home.
Anyway, it's insanity when you're with someone who covets drugs and/or alcohol. While you may love this guy, you're going to live in insanity as long as he continues to feed his addiction. I hope he can work it out and I hope you can make some friends. Have you tried Al-Anon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by respektingme 
Anyway, it's insanity when you're with someone who covets drugs and/or alcohol. While you may love this guy, you're going to live in insanity as long as he continues to feed his addiction. I hope he can work it out and I hope you can make some friends. Have you tried Al-Anon?
I thought of going to Al-Anon. I even looked up the meeting for today. I'm scared to go there too. Its just so silly because I know in order to help him remotely, I have to help myself. Its so weird to be so emotionally detached from someone.
By the way...the stereo story reminded me of what my Grandma said yesterday. She said she didn't understand why I didn't just put all of his stuff outside and burn it the first time it happened. (The disappearing act is a 3 month cycle. He thinks that it is perfectly acceptable to go away whenever he wants. Normal people don't do that, do they?)
Thank you for your post. It would be very easy for me to get in my car and go......there is nothing negative about going home.
My friends all tell me I should. Why do I feel like I'm wearing concrete boots?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi orviske,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. A lot of us have been in your shoes.
Do you have access to the library? You might get a LOT of benefit and strength out of taking out & reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. (tons of us here have read it) It will help to answer the question of why you feel like you have concrete shoes on.
I believe you're actually stronger than you feel you are, and if it comes down to raising a child in an alcoholic, drug-abusing, unemployed, blame-laying, deceptive household -- or raising them in a house with one healthy loving parent -- you will make the right decision.
They say that when the pain of staying starts to exceed the pain of making a change, you will change. Then and only then. I, for one, think you deserve much better than a substance-abuser who lies to you, blames you for his actions, stresses you out, and makes you feel like "he's the only one who can love you."
Lots of people can love you, and lots already do. You are assuming he's the only one that can make you feel joy........and that's simply not true. He's just the one you're choosing to stay with right now. There are many men who would love you so much that they'd try hard to do right by you. I had to leave a terrible situation (with a man who was "the only one") in order to find that for myself.
Anyway.....if you can get your hands on that book, I think it might clear some of the fog. Did for me, anyway.
Love and strength to you
GL
I'm so sorry you're going through this. A lot of us have been in your shoes.
Do you have access to the library? You might get a LOT of benefit and strength out of taking out & reading the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. (tons of us here have read it) It will help to answer the question of why you feel like you have concrete shoes on.
I believe you're actually stronger than you feel you are, and if it comes down to raising a child in an alcoholic, drug-abusing, unemployed, blame-laying, deceptive household -- or raising them in a house with one healthy loving parent -- you will make the right decision.
They say that when the pain of staying starts to exceed the pain of making a change, you will change. Then and only then. I, for one, think you deserve much better than a substance-abuser who lies to you, blames you for his actions, stresses you out, and makes you feel like "he's the only one who can love you."
Lots of people can love you, and lots already do. You are assuming he's the only one that can make you feel joy........and that's simply not true. He's just the one you're choosing to stay with right now. There are many men who would love you so much that they'd try hard to do right by you. I had to leave a terrible situation (with a man who was "the only one") in order to find that for myself.
Anyway.....if you can get your hands on that book, I think it might clear some of the fog. Did for me, anyway.
Love and strength to you
GL
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
A lot of us have been in your shoes.
Actually, I have been in your concrete boots.
They say that when the pain of staying starts to exceed the pain of making a change, you will change. Then and only then. I, for one, think you deserve much better than a substance-abuser who lies to you, blames you for his actions, stresses you out, and makes you feel like "he's the only one who can love you."
Lots of people can love you, and lots already do. You are assuming he's the only one that can make you feel joy........and that's simply not true. He's just the one you're choosing to stay with right now. There are many men who would love you so much that they'd try hard to do right by you. I had to leave a terrible situation (with a man who was "the only one") in order to find that for myself.
Lots of people can love you, and lots already do. You are assuming he's the only one that can make you feel joy........and that's simply not true. He's just the one you're choosing to stay with right now. There are many men who would love you so much that they'd try hard to do right by you. I had to leave a terrible situation (with a man who was "the only one") in order to find that for myself.
Take care of you and yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by GiveLove
Hi orviske,
I believe you're actually stronger than you feel you are, and if it comes down to raising a child in an alcoholic, drug-abusing, unemployed, blame-laying, deceptive household -- or raising them in a house with one healthy loving parent -- you will make the right decision.
They say that when the pain of staying starts to exceed the pain of making a change, you will change. Then and only then. I, for one, think you deserve much better than a substance-abuser who lies to you, blames you for his actions, stresses you out, and makes you feel like "he's the only one who can love you."
Lots of people can love you, and lots already do. You are assuming he's the only one that can make you feel joy........and that's simply not true. He's just the one you're choosing to stay with right now. There are many men who would love you so much that they'd try hard to do right by you. I had to leave a terrible situation (with a man who was "the only one") in order to find that for myself.
Anyway.....if you can get your hands on that book, I think it might clear some of the fog. Did for me, anyway.
Love and strength to you
GL
I believe you're actually stronger than you feel you are, and if it comes down to raising a child in an alcoholic, drug-abusing, unemployed, blame-laying, deceptive household -- or raising them in a house with one healthy loving parent -- you will make the right decision.
They say that when the pain of staying starts to exceed the pain of making a change, you will change. Then and only then. I, for one, think you deserve much better than a substance-abuser who lies to you, blames you for his actions, stresses you out, and makes you feel like "he's the only one who can love you."
Lots of people can love you, and lots already do. You are assuming he's the only one that can make you feel joy........and that's simply not true. He's just the one you're choosing to stay with right now. There are many men who would love you so much that they'd try hard to do right by you. I had to leave a terrible situation (with a man who was "the only one") in order to find that for myself.
Anyway.....if you can get your hands on that book, I think it might clear some of the fog. Did for me, anyway.
Love and strength to you
GL
Thank you so much for your warm reply. I love to read, except right now it's mostly birthing books and pregnancy magazines!
I know I'm a codie---although I've not been directly involved in Al Anon or AA, I am the adult child of a manic depressive alcoholic---and I've done some research.This website has helped me beyond belief. There are so many people here who unfortunately have been through what I'm going through---and I feel strength from them. I've talked to so many people who have stayed....and everyone tells me they wished they hadn't.
I believe what you said GL about when the hurt of staying exceeding the hurt of leaving. I feel like I'm nearing that point. I know I don't have much time before the baby is here. I'd rather leave before than after.
The concrete boots? I know they are just a manifestation of my worry that this is actually it, he is actually changing. I've had more than one friend ask me what has really changed? Has he accepted his actions. Resounding NO. Has he sought help from anywhere? Resounding NO. Heck, he can't even stop using---has to scrape resin from a pipe!!!
It is 11 am. He is jobless....and still lying in the bed. I am such a codie that I brought him fresh tea and told him I would get the Sunday paper for him on the way back from my appointment.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????
Get your toosh out of bed! Get a JOB!!! I'm 30 weeks pregnant for crying out loud! WE HAVE NO MONEY!!! NONE!!!
The more I talk or write, the more it helps me.
Thanks for letting me vent, and for your reply to my post.
K
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by orviske
He says he needs his freedom.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((orviske)))
Glad you have found support and love here as well as with your family and friends. I sit here, after 21 years of marriage, thinking if only I could go back to when my oldest was in utero! How differently I would do things. It does not get any easier as time passes, and it sounds like he has made his choices.
No one can tell you what the right answer for you is, but please listen to the stories of those of us that have been there. I consider it a gift that you are learning about your codependency so early on.
Glad you have found support and love here as well as with your family and friends. I sit here, after 21 years of marriage, thinking if only I could go back to when my oldest was in utero! How differently I would do things. It does not get any easier as time passes, and it sounds like he has made his choices.
No one can tell you what the right answer for you is, but please listen to the stories of those of us that have been there. I consider it a gift that you are learning about your codependency so early on.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
What I wanted was a magic ball to show me exactly what my life was going to be like if I stayed and toughed it out. I am YOUR magic ball. Things are not going to change as long as he has his cake and gets to eat it too. Even if you do go away that doesn't give you a promise he will change. He may not.
Yes he will find another victim eventually and he may even get her pg but if he does that's HIS issues to deal with. You will be free and clear of him and you can raise your child around loving people.
I knew if I allowed my children to live with their addict father that it was 100% abuse on my part. If I loved them so much like I claimed then why was I allowing him to treat their mother badly.
Your child can not speak but I can tell you that if she/he could he would NOT want you to be unhappy. He deserves to have the best possible life and having an addict father is NOT it.
I am a damn good mother and I pride myself with that but the ONE thing I did was to live under the same roof with their father for a year. I have been married eight years and I do NOT regret one second of any day that I got the children away from him. The first years of your childs life is so very important and not one second should be spent near an active addict. Give yourself a goal......maybe move to your family and make a goal of six months. If he has not showed signs of changing then stay with your family.
He is VERY selfish if he is telling you to stay with him. He should WANT his child in a safe and loving enviroment. He's so sick he can not see you are not in a happy place. This should be one of the best times of your life. You should enjoy being pregnant.
I hope you do decide to go home to your family. Think of what your child would want.
They do NOT need two screwed up parents but one really good one.
Yes he will find another victim eventually and he may even get her pg but if he does that's HIS issues to deal with. You will be free and clear of him and you can raise your child around loving people.
I knew if I allowed my children to live with their addict father that it was 100% abuse on my part. If I loved them so much like I claimed then why was I allowing him to treat their mother badly.
Your child can not speak but I can tell you that if she/he could he would NOT want you to be unhappy. He deserves to have the best possible life and having an addict father is NOT it.
I am a damn good mother and I pride myself with that but the ONE thing I did was to live under the same roof with their father for a year. I have been married eight years and I do NOT regret one second of any day that I got the children away from him. The first years of your childs life is so very important and not one second should be spent near an active addict. Give yourself a goal......maybe move to your family and make a goal of six months. If he has not showed signs of changing then stay with your family.
He is VERY selfish if he is telling you to stay with him. He should WANT his child in a safe and loving enviroment. He's so sick he can not see you are not in a happy place. This should be one of the best times of your life. You should enjoy being pregnant.
I hope you do decide to go home to your family. Think of what your child would want.
They do NOT need two screwed up parents but one really good one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I have learned there are NO magic balls and for sure I am not one. I have no idea how someone else's life will turn out. I would never presume to predict someone's path will follow mine.
I share what I have been through.
I share what I have been through.
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