Laan

Hi, wow I haven't posted here for quite some time....

Things have only gotten better since I moved out of my parents house. It's not easy though - the other day something on the television triggered a real bad memory. The memory of coming home after work on a Friday to find my dad so absolutely drunk, red wine all over the floor mixed with vomit and blood. He had tried to beat my younger brother to get his car (as he had crashed his own) and when my brother refused he came down on him - luckily my brother's friend was there....but he beat the heck out of my dad that day.

This happened that morning...that horrible image I saw when I got home that afternoon - he was unrecognizable! I'm not saying he did or didn't deserve that....I felt he did, but I also felt sorry for him. Some days I'm a nervous wreck - some days I struggle to function properly and I think it's simply because of my past.

I do not enjoy al-anon meetings....it is very uncomfortable for me. Though some days I struggle to cope with the smallest of things as they bring back memories of some bad days. This whole weekend was like that - I'm so down and depressed and angry. I fear my lid is about to pop off soon....

Phew...just wanted to get that off my shoulders a bit. Are there others out there that get the same crazyness? Or am I simply going mad??

Latte

I struggle with parenting my children because my alcoholic father sat out on the back porch and drank and "checked out" for most of my childhoood. My mother was so busy trying to keep things somewhat normal that there was little time for my sister and I.

I struggle with interacting with my children and finding a way to relate to them because I don't remember any of it.

I guess that is a flashback in a way.

freeflower

I don't have flash back but just a few hours a go, I started thinking that my ah never even loved me, only his drink and i had an hour long, heavy crying jag. I couldn't stop it either. I'm usually more rational but sometimes, I fear for my sanity too.

Laan

It's strange how these things can make us feel like we're going mad hey.

My worries are if I'll ever get over it....or at least be able to handle it better when I get these flasbacks/nervous breakdown feelings....

Latte

It does get better, it just takes time and work. I have to work on it every day. My mother is no longer CO-Dependent per se. She divorced my father when I was 19, I'm almost 35 now. She no longer has to take care of my father. He has a girlfriend who coincidently is a member of Al-Anon but she is horribly Co-Dependent and tries to control my Dad's drinking.

I have made peace enough with it to allow him to interact with my children and I. He visits me (he lives in Mexico and I live in Alaska) about twice a year. He isn't allowed to drink here and he has respected that. His doctor medicates him so that his withdrawl affects are minimized.

My sister still "takes care" of him and makes sure he gets medical attention (he has Parkinsons affect caused by his years of drinking). I don't get involved, I can't.

GiveLove

It does get better, Laan, honest to god it does get better. That old saying "time heals all wounds" has a certain truth to it here. Honestly, I've had some things I've seen, and things actually done TO me, that used to wake me up in the middle of the night shaking for years.

Now they don't. There's layer after layer after layer of better, more interesting, more fulfilling memories stacked on top of all of that pain, and when I do have a bad memory it's no more than a nod, feel a momentary nausea, sometimes I light a candle, send out a prayer, but it no longer beats me up. It passes quickly.

It will get better as long as YOU are continuing to get better, and building a life you like.

Hugs,
GL

Stubborn1

It's ok to think about those things. Maybe you have unresolved issues and your mind needs to bring them up, think about them and put them away for good. When I get memories of the past hell I voice it to my ah. He's probably heard the same story a hundred times but until its out of my head for good he's going to listen.

denny57

Facing the uncomfortable, walking through the pain has taught me it does get better. Today, when I have dark times, I reach for my recovery tools, reach out to others, whatever it takes, knowing I will get through this, too.

Sometimes what I need to do to get through a very bad day is: absolutely nothing. I remember a long time ago my doctor saying to me it was ok to sit and stare at the wall.

((( )))