AmpHusky

Some of us have said being lonely seems to be the toughest part. Some of our A's already hooked up with someone else, and we are left by ourselves. I was the one who kicked out mine, I had enough of the crap of being with an alcoholic. Most of us on SR are the ones that made the decision to get out of the addiction. We chose to be happy lonely, then live that life anymore. I was thinking it wasn't fair that the A has comfort, and I don't. I think that is what upset me the most. Then one of you wrote me a PM, that said, the A's are so shallow. My XAGF just couldn't last with out someone to leche (sp) from, or use for her addiction.

Stubborn1

It would be nice to be in a nice relationship but I have been single so long that I don't want any drama in my life what-so-ever. I'm not open to put up with anything. No drinking, smoking, anger, back talk, game playing. Nothing and it seems at my age the guys I meet all play games or they are someone else's used goods.
I guess I am a lucky one who loves being by myself.

I know my ah could find someone else because there are so many unhappy alcoholics/addicts that would love to have a drinking or drug buddy. More power to him. Let them be addicted together. I'll even be the maid of honor. Maybe he'll find happiness. He knows there is no shot with me ever again.
I might lower my standards if I didn't have children. They seem to keep me in line and I love having all my attention on them. They will grow up fast enough.

Chrysalis123

I am lonely too. I'm trying to take care of myself and one of the things I do is walk around my neighborhood. While on my walk the other night I walk by a house having a huge party. As I am going past I hear my XAH because he is being so loud. It stops me in my tracks and I pause. Luckily it is dark and no one can see me. I stand there, across the street and begin to weep because here I am by myself, on the outside, looking in. Very symbolic actually because I felt that way emotionally the entire marriage...he was so busy with all "His" stuff and friends, and drinking, and was unavailable to me. But i chose not to see it and spent a long 18 years fighting reality. I had my pity party and realize that my kids are at home playing. And then I remember what I have, and what I am working for, and they are waitng for me to get back. 20 years from now when I look into their kids' eyes I know my time will have been well spent.

He on the other hand seems to be looking for the short term pleasures, the easy way, the women, the parties. I feel sad for him and what he has lost.

I thanked God for the gift of walking by that party and hearing his drunken voice. I know that was divine intervention even though it hurt.

Anyway, I know how lonely I feel at times. My recovery has taught me to acknowledge those feelings, cry if I want, take care of myself, and remember that this too will pass.

freeflower

I am lonely too. Tonight I heard some stuff about my ah, he is tattoing his arms like crazy and letting his hair grow long and went and bought knew hip glass's and is planning a two week trip to reno during the holidays. Thing is after 5 months of really no contact hardly at all, I called him and asked to talk. We have a lot of reall serious stuff we need to discuss about money etc, and he blew me off. He never showed up or called. it hurt me I guess and i'm angry and mad at myself for letting this get to me. I feel shaky and weepy and hope I can control myself today at work. I need to get some perspective back. I hope this too will pass.

kingston

I too get lonely but for the most part I'm ok. Saturday was rough though. I had some friends over for a corn roast and everything was going really well until one of the told me a bunch of stuff about my exah. Seems he has been over to their place a few times saying that his life isn't worth living, that he lost the greatest love of his life, that there will never be anyone else that he will love as much as he loves me. This is the same man who after I left started introducing his girlfriend (the one he had an affair with 15 years ago) to my friends. I had only been gone a week. Makes me wonder how long he has been seeing her.

I tried not to let it ruin my day and ended up thinking quite a bit over the rest of the weekend.

It hurts! But there is nothing I can do about it except look after myself. It's wierd I expected the drinking and was even ok with that but when I found out he had been seeing someone that's when I caved in. That hurts and I don't know how to let that go. I don't want this man in my life so why am I still holding to memories? The memories aren't all good ones either. I'm trying to separate the realityfantasy of what we had. I really need to let go.

Why do they turn to someone else so quick?

AmpHusky

Why do they turn to someone else so quick?

I know, that is what hurt me the most. I didn't kick her out because I didn't love her. I kicked her out because she was ruining everything with her drinking. Then in a week she found someone else to sponge off. That's when I lost it too. They are so insecure they have to have someone there, they are like parasites.

Lilyflower

They turn to someone else so quick because they need validation. They want someone to make them feel good about themselves, just as the alcohol gives them a boost of confidence or ego, they look to humans to do this too.

They are determined to prove to the world that they are functioning, and normal, what better way to do that than enter a relationship? Hey look, someone out there likes/loves me so it doesn't matter that you say I'm messed up.

The other side of that coin is that there are a hell of a lot of folks out there who look for and attract unhealthy relationships, who are still convinced they can save an addict from his/her downfall, that the other person they were with just didn't treat them right. They are easily swayed, manipulated and hood winked into believing all the A's sob stories, and think that this time he/she will be different, they can help. They are needy and will settle for a relationship wth an addict who is unavialable in every way, rather than look for a healthy relationship. - I was once that person.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Stubborn1

I think they can get someone because they know how to fool them well. If I met my ah I would think he was funny and nice to be around even while he's drinking. It's after time that they start to get on your nerves and you don't want to be around that.
There is always another addict around the corner looking for a using bud. My husband has always found a friend where ever he has lived but they are also alcoholics. I know he is more lonely then I could ever be because he does have moments of clarity and it's such a scary place he needs to use again.
I guess I don't look at me being lonely instead I feel peaceful. I didn't have that for alot of years so I welcome that.

((((HUGS)))

Barbara52

My xAH started l,ooking for someone new within 2 months of my leaving, long before divorce proceedings got going. For him, I believe its because he needs the validation of someone loving him, proving he's not that bad, that he's ok where and how he is. He needs to continue thinking that I am the evil witch in this whole scenario, that I left him for no good reason, that he's not an alcoholic, etc. Of course he also chooses to "fall in love" with women who live far away from him and have the "relationship" exist only in the cyberworld and over the phone. That works a whole lot better than in person when real life would reveal things he would prefer not come into the light.

For me, I know I am not interested in another relationship yet. I am still working on me, figuring out who I am and want I want from life. I have progressed to accepting th efuture possibility of another relationship since a few months ago I had a blanket no in my mind.

I am enjoying being on my own and do not feel lonely. Life is full and I am staisfied with where I am. I am building new and stronger friendships. This is where I am content to be.

Learning how

Amphusky, I am lonely too. Not all the time but this weekend was kind of bad. My AH is here but he is so all about himself sometimes that I am lonely even with him in the room.

He likes to talk and talk about things but he doesn't follow though. As an example we were talking about the college my son wants to attend. AH, son and myself. AH has to turn the the topic to how he is going to open a business. He has been talking about this for at least 10 years maybe more. No more than talk. Son will be going to college, is a senior in high school now. He got mad at me when he got rolling on the topic as I said I needed to go in and do something elce. I was nice about getting out of the converstion, he just wanted us to sit and listen to him talk about himself.

As long as the topic is somehow focused on him then he takes part, when I try to talk about something or son does AH will change the topic back to him. Some times in midconverstaion, I will say something and wait for his response but he is off talking about himself.

This was a long ramble but I am lonely too.

Silverberry1331

My AH seems to be drawn to drama and chaos. He chose to see another woman who is a reckless A, and is very typical of harden women he used to date. Still I am very lonely...that is the hardest part. I try not to listen to the radio because every sad song makes me boo-hoo.

I had to see the AH on Friday to give him mail and stuff, and he asked if we are going to ever get back together. He says he misses his wife and his life and he made a terrible mistake, etc. Instead of responding to his question, I ask him if he has decided on going to AA. It reminds me that he may miss me, but he isn't doing anything about it. He still wants to "do it on his own." It keeps things in perspective for me.

On Saturday night, his ex-wife called me to ask if he would be calling his son for his birthday, which is in two weeks. I called my AH to pass the message on, and after a few minutes, I could hear in his voice he had been drinking. Sigh...nothing has changed, but it doesn't make it any better or easier.

I think only time is going to heal the wound....

isitme

This is kind of the point I was going to make too.. I have yet to leave my A, but yet I'm already lonely. Sure he physically comes home at night, but that doesn't make it any less lonely when you feel like all of his actions and feelings are really all about him. That short term pleasure thing seems to rule his world. Being at home with me and DD just isn't exciting enough, he needs someone to exchange drunken dialog with and be out of the house. I think he feels trapped in the house and that definately leaves me feeling lonely there, even when he is home.

I've yet to endure the pain that some of you have gone through after leaving your A's. However at this point I'm actually looking forward to being lonely because I'm ACTUALLY ALONE. If that makes any sense...

Reddmax

You know what I miss? Quiet. The problem with my AW is she always wants noise and stimulation, and she doesn't give any consideration to what anyone else wants. I can't tell you how many times she's woke up at 3 AM because she passed out at 7 or 8 pm and turned on the TV and woke me up. Or, the drunker she gets while she's awake, the louder the stereo needs to be.

Its enough to drive you mad.

Redd

hbb

I felt the same way before about my exabf. I learned that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I think it was Barb that said way back to me, that there may be some lonely times but we are never alone. I had many lonely days but as time goes by the start to get fuller and happier.

I too was lonely WITH him, everything revolved around him and his drama and chaos. I found that i was craving his attention. Sometimes even today i feel lonely but when that starts to come over me, i immediately get busy or go to the gym or shopping! Hang in there, it does get better, one day at a time.

TooMuch4TooLong

I am discovering that I was by far more lonely with him in my life than I am with out him in my life. I take comfort in having wonderful friends who stood by and understood all the times when I simply could not have a conversation with them because someone else always had to have my full attention, same with my daughter. I am now able to focus on me and what I need and want. I want to be able to enjoy my time with my daughter, take a walk with the dog (instead of run a marathon with her), talk to my friends when ever I want and work as late as I want. It takes time and you can't focus or even really think about what they are doing. They haven't changed, we have and we will continue to. When in your heart of hearts you are truly ready to be with someone else you will because you want to be, not because you need to be.

AmpHusky

It's when I start thinking about her being with someone else already. That's when I really start feeling lonely. Even though I know that when she was here, I couldn't do anything else but serve her needs. If I dared to play guitar she would get mad at me for not paying enough attention to her. That's all I did was give her attention.

TooMuch4TooLong

(((Amp))) I know just what you mean. All I can say to you is how I feel right now be that good or bad. I allow myself to think about him to a certain extent, only what is healthy for me right now. When I do think about him I try to be objective about our relationship. I have always been the kind of person that believes in order for me to be able to make my partner feel appreciated I have to appreciate myself.

I honestly don't know what he feels for himself because I don't think that if he appreciated himself he would treat himself so badly. What this statement says about me is a totally different thread so I will go back to the topic at hand.

When you have a true relationship with someone they value you and your talents, they do not try to stifle them. If you are in a healthy relationship then neither of you should need constant attention as you should have enough trust in the relationship itself without the validation of constant attention.

If and this is only an if things were different for her long ago and she had not succumbed to the disease before the two of you got together chances are she would not be with someone else right now. She may not be with you but if you truly care about someone you don't just jump from one person to another. Unfortunately she has succumbed to the disease and the disease wants what it wants when it want it. It cares not for your feelings or her family's feelings nor her feelings.

I am not calling her a victim, I think that there is a point where you make a choice to succumb to alcoholism or fight it. Any RA's that have an opinion different please correct me but I think at one point or another most of us are given a choice where we can let go of the toxic relationships of our past or hold on to them like a badge of honor. For some the toxic relationship is alcohol.

I don't believe and I am sorry if I sound harsh, that she was truly capable of caring about you or anyone else. This person she is with right now is just a substitute for the real emptiness in her life. The kind of emptiness no bottle or relationship can fill.

I won't discredit your feelings but I think as time passes and you come back into your own you will realize that. You will realize that she did not appreciate you because she could not. I believe in time you will come to appreciate yourself again. When we are comfortable in our own skin we give off our very own special light and we will draw others who share and appreciate that light. In the mean time take the time to get to know Amp again and appreciate who you are. Peace.

Freedom1990

Even though my 20 year old AD still lives at home, she's gone a lot so I am alone, but not lonely anymore.

I thought I would never get past that stage of feeling lonely. For so long it seemed if I went out, even to the grocery store, I would see couples shopping together, and it made my heart hurt.

The more I worked on myself and learned to love myself, the more that loneliness started to disappear!

I wish you the same self-love that I have come to have! :ghug2

peaceteach

I was much lonelier IN my marriage to my now exAH than I ever was divorced. What a terrible, sad way to live. And to dread going home, to my house that should have been MY sanctuary. Now I have that, and the peace and tranquility that comes with it. Give it time, all. It really does get good.

AmpHusky

I understand that she may never had really loved me. I do know I did love her, and it was a lose. I will go on and remember the good times, and the fact that I tried to make it work. Even through being arrested over the drinking.

She just called my phone, and I ignored it. The message she left was crazy. How far must they fall into the abyss?