Giving up control
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Giving up control
My AH and I are separated.
He invited us (my son and I) out to dinner with him tonight - just said that he missed us and wanted to visit. We had a nice time. No drinking, no drama. I enjoyed the evening.
As AH was dropping us off, I asked if he'd like to stick around for a while - have a cup of coffee. It was my first offer of the sort.
Nope.
AH said he'd pass. He wasn't angry or cold. Just said, "no." Then he smiled, gave me a hug, and said he'd see me later.
It hurt my feelings.
The old me would have pouted, cried, and had a long conversation with him about how bad his refusal made me feel - all with the ultimate goal of getting him to change his mind. I would have felt perfectly justified in all of these behaviors.
But I stopped myself.
I could attempt to control AH (as I've done many times before), or I could respect myself enough to accept his choices.
After all why would I want to spend the evening with someone that I had to coax and cajole into staying?
Maybe he wanted to leave so that he could drink.
Maybe he wanted to spend the evening alone.
Maybe he wanted to go to bed early.
Maybe he wanted to keep me guessing.
Who knows?
It doesn't matter why he chose not to stay.
For me, our separation is all about watching his actions instead of listening to his words - I just didn't realize how hard it would be to keep myself from trying to influence his actions.
I do it instinctively - I'm learning to be different.
Does anyone have any tips to share?
He invited us (my son and I) out to dinner with him tonight - just said that he missed us and wanted to visit. We had a nice time. No drinking, no drama. I enjoyed the evening.
As AH was dropping us off, I asked if he'd like to stick around for a while - have a cup of coffee. It was my first offer of the sort.
Nope.
AH said he'd pass. He wasn't angry or cold. Just said, "no." Then he smiled, gave me a hug, and said he'd see me later.
It hurt my feelings.
The old me would have pouted, cried, and had a long conversation with him about how bad his refusal made me feel - all with the ultimate goal of getting him to change his mind. I would have felt perfectly justified in all of these behaviors.
But I stopped myself.
I could attempt to control AH (as I've done many times before), or I could respect myself enough to accept his choices.
After all why would I want to spend the evening with someone that I had to coax and cajole into staying?
Maybe he wanted to leave so that he could drink.
Maybe he wanted to spend the evening alone.
Maybe he wanted to go to bed early.
Maybe he wanted to keep me guessing.
Who knows?
It doesn't matter why he chose not to stay.
For me, our separation is all about watching his actions instead of listening to his words - I just didn't realize how hard it would be to keep myself from trying to influence his actions.
I do it instinctively - I'm learning to be different.
Does anyone have any tips to share?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
What a wonderful step for you, toughchoices.
No earthshaking wisdom, just admiration for you for coming to this hard conclusion.
The need for control keeps us in many terrible situations. No matter what happens with your AH, learning the strength and wisdom to get rid of your need to control will make you a happier, better person.
This was one of the lessons my XABF taught me. I didn't choose to go back to him, but I kept the lesson and it's served me well for many years now.
Hugs to you
GL
No earthshaking wisdom, just admiration for you for coming to this hard conclusion.
The need for control keeps us in many terrible situations. No matter what happens with your AH, learning the strength and wisdom to get rid of your need to control will make you a happier, better person.
This was one of the lessons my XABF taught me. I didn't choose to go back to him, but I kept the lesson and it's served me well for many years now.
Hugs to you
GL
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Sounds like your doing great, despite how it might feel.
A great tip for me (that I still use) is the saying 'Anything past the end of my nose, is none of my business.'
When my head starts chatting to me about another persons choices (or lack of them) I say this to myself. Works a charm and keeps me focused on myself.
And of course, LOTS OF TREATS, for you that is. Doing nice things for myself is a good one too.
A great tip for me (that I still use) is the saying 'Anything past the end of my nose, is none of my business.'
When my head starts chatting to me about another persons choices (or lack of them) I say this to myself. Works a charm and keeps me focused on myself.
And of course, LOTS OF TREATS, for you that is. Doing nice things for myself is a good one too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by lizw 
'Anything past the end of my nose, is none of my business.'
When my head starts chatting to me about another persons choices (or lack of them) I say this to myself.
When my head starts chatting to me about another persons choices (or lack of them) I say this to myself.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." "None of my business." REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT!!!
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