Julesy

Hi. I am wife of 30 years married to a successful business owner/operator who manages to drink to excess every night and wake up and go and complete a days work. When he comes home at night he is drunk, but always denies it. I have to walk on eggshells as he is very sensitive and takes things out of context and becomes very verbally abusive. He has terrible relationships with our three sons (25, 24, 20 years old). He has an obsession with "right and wrong" He is ALWAYS right and everyone else is wrong. These verbal abuse episodes are denied the next morning and life is expected to carry on as of it never happened. I left our marriage in 2003 for 1 year and came back. Why?1. I was lonely. 2. I didn't like our split family. 3. I felt sorry for him. Of course all the promises that it would be Different now etc etc have all gone and our relationship seems to be right back where it was before I left. I am at my wits end and wonder what to do from here.???????

FormerDoormat

If your daughter were living the kind of life you're living today, what would you tell her to do? I tried every solution in the book to solve the problems that my partner's drinking brought into my life--except ending the relationship. None of them worked. Ending the relationship and breaking all contact created the life I have today--happy, peaceful, and free from abuse and unacceptable behavior.

If you haven't done so yet, read the stickies at the top of the forum and pick up copies of Melodee Beatty's books, "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go." I found them very helpful.

I'm sure others will be along soon. Sundays are pretty quiet around here. Welcome to the forum.

Stubborn1

I think you know what you should do. Go back on your own and make yourself happy because apparently he can't do it. Life is too short to live this way hun especially since your children are grown. I think it's hard for you because this is more of a habit for you by now, a way of life.
You need to break out of this routine and reinvent yourself. Start a new life, one for YOU. You can have it if you want it.
You will be in my prayers.

GiveLove

julesy,

Sorry you're going through such pain. I found that the loneliness of being in a relationship with someone I no longer respected or enjoyed being with was much, much worse than the temporary loneliness of being by myself. The former was soul-sucking and nearly killed me. The latter I worked through by involving myself with people and places and causes I loved, and I feel I finally found my place in the world by doing so.

Have you two ever talked to a counselor? Would he even be willing? I can't see you continuing like this for the rest of your life.....I guess what I'm asking is, do you think there's any hope he'll ever compromise and listen to your feelings on this?

Have you considered any sort of counseling (for yourself) in order to help put your thoughts in order and make a plan that suits YOU ?

Hoping that you will find a way back to happiness, with or without him. Living with abuse is no life at all.

Hugs,
GL

AmpHusky

I think you already know what to do. You have exhausted yourself waiting and trying to make it work. It's OK to end it, and we will be here to help you.

TooMuch4TooLong

Hi Julesy and welcome. Everyone has said what exactly what I would say and what you already know. My stbxah was a lot like yours in that he managed to get to work every day. That doesn't make it any less of a problem no matter what they quack at you. It took a lot of soul searching for me to leave and you know what? There is light at the end of the tunnel hon. My relationship with my daughter has improved dramatically and I am finding my own again. Stick around, keep posting and keep reading and when you find that it is time to decide we'll be here. Peace.

bonredbon

I'm fighting with myself not to make contact after a restraining order but I hear throught the grape vine that she has gotten into a 1/2 way house and she is detoxing right now. but I feel so much pain. Pain for her pain for myself and this need to go rescue help I know I shouldn't but it is hard to fight it

TooMuch4TooLong

Hi bon, welcome to you too. Let her go through this by herself. For her sake as well as yours. Sometimes we as their partners make recovery more difficult without even realizing it. If she is serious she will do what she needs to do. Stay strong sweetie, it won't feel like this forever.

bonredbon

Thanks I am just putting one ft in front of the other. but I have trouble finding a direction