Where to start......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Where to start......
I feel completely hopeless. My husband is an alcoholic, but will not admit it. We have a four year old, and a baby due within the next two weeks. I am a christian, and I thought he was, but now, I am not sure. We have been married a little over three years. We drank and partied together, I got pregnant, and we changed our lives around completely. Then about a year ago he started drinking a lot again, and got addicted to pain pills after receiving them for surgery. He is not taking the pills anymore, but continues to drink. He is not an abusive or agressive drunk, he is a lazy one. He does absolutely nothing at home, including playing with our son, will not go anywhere, or socialize with anyone, although he has always been pretty quiet. We started going to counseling, but, it doesn't seem to be getting through what he is doing to his family. I want to leave, because I don't want my kids around alcohol, and I am tired of being blamed for everything, but I have no place to go, no money, and I am going to have a newborn any day now. I have left times before for a week or so before, but came back. I know divorce is not the answer, but I am tired of fighting, and being lied to. I have family and a few very close friends praying for us, but I am so frustrated it doesn't seem to be getting better. I need someone to help me understand why he is doing this to us, and why he doesn't see how it affects our kid(s) negatively. I am especially tired of being lied to. The lies make me have no respect for him, and I can not trust him with anything. I have had to have complete control over all of our finances, until recently I gave up, and gave it all to him. I guess I really just need to talk to someone who can help me understand why he doesn't see what he is doing.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
I would suggest going to Alanon meetings to help you. Only he has the power to change himself--but he must first be willing to change. He has to want to want that for himself--not for you or the baby. Hang around here--keep posting>you are not alone. 
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by What2Type 
I guess I really just need to talk to someone who can help me understand why he doesn't see what he is doing.
(((hugs)))
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
He is not changing because he is an alcoholic and you and the children are in the way of that. I was in exactly your shoes. I could have wrote your story.
You can not make him see a thing. The children will not make a difference to him, a wife will not make a difference. Even if you are the best one in the world.
I also suggest al anon meetings or coming here all the time because you are going to learn you have to let go and take care of yourself and the kids.
Since you have left and came back he sees your threats as idle threats and no longer believes you.
It's going to be hard raising your children on your own but even if you stay with him that's what you are going to be doing. Remember children learn what they live.
I have been in it for eight years. I had mine move out seven years ago though.
You will come to terms you are powerless. You can not make him do a thing. Threats and altimatums will not work.
It's a cycle. He drinks, you get mad, he apologizes, you fall for it, things are good for a little bit and it happens all over again. They just get better at it.
Stick around and read......read.........read.
You can not make him see a thing. The children will not make a difference to him, a wife will not make a difference. Even if you are the best one in the world.
I also suggest al anon meetings or coming here all the time because you are going to learn you have to let go and take care of yourself and the kids.
Since you have left and came back he sees your threats as idle threats and no longer believes you.
It's going to be hard raising your children on your own but even if you stay with him that's what you are going to be doing. Remember children learn what they live.
I have been in it for eight years. I had mine move out seven years ago though.
You will come to terms you are powerless. You can not make him do a thing. Threats and altimatums will not work.
It's a cycle. He drinks, you get mad, he apologizes, you fall for it, things are good for a little bit and it happens all over again. They just get better at it.
Stick around and read......read.........read.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. 
One thing that helped me was to learn about this disease. It has no barriers of age, religion, financial status, educational level...or any other combined group of people- yet it usually affects the alcoholic and their loved ones in very predictable ways.
You've come to the right place for help. This forum is for you. Please read the sticky threads and if you are able, I suggest you attend Al-Anon and maybe some open AA meetings too.
Al-Anon meetings show me ways that I can change and teach me how to place my focus on myself, who I can change; instead of the alcoholic, who I cannot change.
Open AA meetings show me how the disease progresses and also offers hope if/when the alcoholic becomes willing to do what is needed to get and stay sober.
One thing that helped me was to learn about this disease. It has no barriers of age, religion, financial status, educational level...or any other combined group of people- yet it usually affects the alcoholic and their loved ones in very predictable ways.
You've come to the right place for help. This forum is for you. Please read the sticky threads and if you are able, I suggest you attend Al-Anon and maybe some open AA meetings too.
Al-Anon meetings show me ways that I can change and teach me how to place my focus on myself, who I can change; instead of the alcoholic, who I cannot change.
Open AA meetings show me how the disease progresses and also offers hope if/when the alcoholic becomes willing to do what is needed to get and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya What2type--
I need someone to help me understand why he is doing this to us, and why he doesn't see how it affects our kid(s) negatively. I am especially tired of being lied to.
First of all stop thinking it is something he is doing TO you and the kids. He is just doing it.
WHY is he doing it?
Because he is an alcoholic.
That is why. Believe it. Don't hurt yourself or waste a moment of precious energy analyzing or figuring it out or taking it personally. You will only give yourself a huge heartache.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Accept him for who he is and how he is today. You cannot change that. He will only see what he will see.
Alcoholism is a very powerful addiction. There is NOTHING you can SAY to make him go - "Oh snap- it's the alcohol! I better stop!" and then he miraculously stops and becomes involved in you and family the way you wish it was. It simply will not happen. If they do get help it is usually from other recovered alcoholics - not from us.
Make a little plan - just for today for you and your 4yr old to have a good day. You can detach with love from your H and focus on you, your child, and your soon to arrive baby! Do you have some reliable help in place for the post-partum period? Reach out to people what2type, maybe within your church? Alcoholic families tend to isolate and hide because of shame. There is nothing to be ashamed of because again:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Can you find an AlAnon meeting in your area? AlAnon is for family & friends of alcoholics - to help them cope with this difficult disease. You cannot make him "see" or make him "stop" but you can make you and the kids #1 priority and focus and don't base your happiness or mood on his unpredictable alcoholic behavior.
One day at a time. More will be revealed to you as time goes on and you can begin to see your choices.
Peace-
B.
I need someone to help me understand why he is doing this to us, and why he doesn't see how it affects our kid(s) negatively. I am especially tired of being lied to.
First of all stop thinking it is something he is doing TO you and the kids. He is just doing it.
WHY is he doing it?
Because he is an alcoholic.
That is why. Believe it. Don't hurt yourself or waste a moment of precious energy analyzing or figuring it out or taking it personally. You will only give yourself a huge heartache.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Accept him for who he is and how he is today. You cannot change that. He will only see what he will see.
Alcoholism is a very powerful addiction. There is NOTHING you can SAY to make him go - "Oh snap- it's the alcohol! I better stop!" and then he miraculously stops and becomes involved in you and family the way you wish it was. It simply will not happen. If they do get help it is usually from other recovered alcoholics - not from us.
Make a little plan - just for today for you and your 4yr old to have a good day. You can detach with love from your H and focus on you, your child, and your soon to arrive baby! Do you have some reliable help in place for the post-partum period? Reach out to people what2type, maybe within your church? Alcoholic families tend to isolate and hide because of shame. There is nothing to be ashamed of because again:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Can you find an AlAnon meeting in your area? AlAnon is for family & friends of alcoholics - to help them cope with this difficult disease. You cannot make him "see" or make him "stop" but you can make you and the kids #1 priority and focus and don't base your happiness or mood on his unpredictable alcoholic behavior.
One day at a time. More will be revealed to you as time goes on and you can begin to see your choices.
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
If I could bottle all the energy I wasted wondering why I bet I could light up the entire city of Las Vegas for a year. Seriously. Honey there is no answer to the why's, it is what it is.
Take the advice that you are being given here because we know what we are talking about and take care of yourself and your children. Leavet the rest to God. Peace.
Take the advice that you are being given here because we know what we are talking about and take care of yourself and your children. Leavet the rest to God. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Thank you for all the responses. I wish I had looked for something like this for a long time. He woke me at 3am looking for the car keys, and I could not get back to sleep until 7, and felt terribly sick. I slept for a little while, then had to get up and run quite a few errands. When I left, he and my 4 year old were playing, when I got back he was asleep on the couch, my son was awake, alone, and all my baby had eaten all day were 2 or 3 donuts (this was at 3 pm). It made me sick to my stomach, I guess I shouldn't have trusted him. I think I will try to find an al-anon group to go to. It is hard right now, cause we only have 1 vehicle. I am thinking of staying with my dad after the baby is born, if not before. I have had a severe amount of stress because of all of this throughout my pregnancy, I pray every night this baby is healthy and unaffected by the stress. There have been very few days I haven't cried. It's so hard to leave when I have no money, and no car. And, the closest family to stay with is an hour away, my dad. I am going to have to leave my friends, and take my son out of his play school. I feel so guilty, because it is the one thing he really has, and enjoys. I tried to talk to my H last night about him moving out, and he refuses. He tells me I am a lazy B, and how much he thinks I do wrong and FU and such, but he still sticks around, I even offered to pay 1/2 of whatever he needed to get into an apt. (I was going to get a loan from family.) I know if I am the one that has to leave there will be a very minute chance of us getting back together because I wil be too resentful. I would rather him leave, but he wont. I told him he could still see our son whenever he wanted, and I would still go to counseling, but he continued to refuse. He thinks I am crazy, and that our problems will disappear when I give birth to the baby. I am tired, and need to sleep, I just needed to vent.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((((((what2type)))))))
You just do what is right for you.
It may take more energy and cause more stress if you "wait for him" to do the right thing.
You should lean on people you know are reliable, be it family or friends, who won't call you names or give you such a hard time when you are 9 mos pregnant for heaven's sakes!!! Or anytime for that matter!
I had a very stressful 2nd pregnancy also- my marriage was falling apart and I had chronic bronchitis. My son was fat, healthy and super mellow - so go figure! Try to find a little peace for yourself each day... your older son will adapt no matter where you go, the younger they are the easier that is.
Be gentle with yourself. You can't change everything in a day. But small steps still get you where you're going!
Peace-
B.
You just do what is right for you.
It may take more energy and cause more stress if you "wait for him" to do the right thing.
You should lean on people you know are reliable, be it family or friends, who won't call you names or give you such a hard time when you are 9 mos pregnant for heaven's sakes!!! Or anytime for that matter!
I had a very stressful 2nd pregnancy also- my marriage was falling apart and I had chronic bronchitis. My son was fat, healthy and super mellow - so go figure! Try to find a little peace for yourself each day... your older son will adapt no matter where you go, the younger they are the easier that is.
Be gentle with yourself. You can't change everything in a day. But small steps still get you where you're going!
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by What2Type
I feel completely hopeless. My husband is an alcoholic, but will not admit it. We have a four year old, and a baby due within the next two weeks. I am a christian, and I thought he was, but now, I am not sure. We have been married a little over three years. We drank and partied together, I got pregnant, and we changed our lives around completely. He is not an abusive or agressive drunk, he is a lazy one. He does absolutely nothing at home, including playing with our son, will not go anywhere, or socialize with anyone, although he has always been pretty quiet. We started going to counseling, but, it doesn't seem to be getting through what he is doing to his family. I want to leave, because I don't want my kids around alcohol, and I am tired of being blamed for everything, but I have no place to go, no money, and I am going to have a newborn any day now. I have left times before for a week or so before, but came back. I know divorce is not the answer, but I am tired of fighting, and being lied to. I have family and a few very close friends praying for us, but I am so frustrated it doesn't seem to be getting better. I need someone to help me understand why he is doing this to us, and why he doesn't see how it affects our kid(s) negatively. I am especially tired of being lied to. The lies make me have no respect for him, and I can not trust him with anything. I have had to have complete control over all of our finances, until recently I gave up, and gave it all to him. I guess I really just need to talk to someone who can help me understand why he doesn't see what he is doing.
What 2 Type,
As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but wonder if it were me writing it!
My ABF has a five year old son, and I have a baby on the way in the next 10 weeks.My father, however lives about 1700 miles away. I am thinking of leaving to be in their support....because like you, I know that the stress is not good for me, and not good for the baby. Ipray that the baby isn't born with feathers!
I get blamed alot too. I get blamed for him losing his job, I get blamed for his binges (I'm the reason he leaves, he says).
Everyone is right though---I've just come to terms with the fact that I have to love myself, to focus on me and my baby. That might mean leaving. And I would rather leave before the baby, then after.
Just know you are not alone.
I am praying for you.
I told someone that I was praying for my own situation---and wasn't getting any answers. A friend told me I just wasn't listening to the answers....maybe that's what's going on with you too. Listen to your heart, and live for your children...
Hugs....
K
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Syracuse,NY
Posts: 4
You are in good company here! I remember when I first went to Al-anon and looked for support I was stunned. Here I was with an AH and they were telling me I was sick and needed to change. Huh? But trust them, they are right. You spend your life living for his addiction. Is he drunk, how much did he have, is he going to drive, where did he hide it, did he pay the bills, did he go to work....etc. etc. etc.
Don't even think about why he is doing it or how you can get him to stop. That's his burden to bear, not yours. You need to focus on you, your kids and getting your life on track.
I know it's hard to let go and work on you. It isn't something that comes easily - believe me I know. It's taken me years to get here and I still have miles and miles to go.
We're here for you! Hugs!
Don't even think about why he is doing it or how you can get him to stop. That's his burden to bear, not yours. You need to focus on you, your kids and getting your life on track.
I know it's hard to let go and work on you. It isn't something that comes easily - believe me I know. It's taken me years to get here and I still have miles and miles to go.
We're here for you! Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
There is a lot of good advice here. Soak it all in. I too have spent way too much time trying to figure out the why's. In fact, I think I do it as a way to not take action. If I'm still trying to figure it out, then I can't possibly make and informed desicion. (twisted logic)
Although like you, I'm pretty sure we've really already made our desicions. We are just stuck in limbo right now because of the uncertainy of having a newborn. (I have a 3 year old and will be having my baby by next week Wed. if he doesn't make an earlier appearnce)
I've waited around this whole pregnancy thinking things would change. Eventually he would be more involved or seem to care. But like you, I continue to do all the housework, childcare and maintain my full time job. While he goes out and parties everyday. It's hard for me to envision him making a 180 in less than two weeks. I suppose it's possible, however I'm feel more like I'm just gaining strenght to be able to part ways once I'm settled in to the newborn routine.
My family is about 1200 miles away. I know they would help me at the drop of a hat and I'm sure yours will too. 1 hour is not so bad. And I'm sure you can find another day school for your son that he will enjoy. I would rather him move schools now than witness the way daddy treats mommy for several more years to come.
SR is a great place.. it will give you strength and the power of lots of prayers coming your way. Good Luck with the new baby..
Although like you, I'm pretty sure we've really already made our desicions. We are just stuck in limbo right now because of the uncertainy of having a newborn. (I have a 3 year old and will be having my baby by next week Wed. if he doesn't make an earlier appearnce)
I've waited around this whole pregnancy thinking things would change. Eventually he would be more involved or seem to care. But like you, I continue to do all the housework, childcare and maintain my full time job. While he goes out and parties everyday. It's hard for me to envision him making a 180 in less than two weeks. I suppose it's possible, however I'm feel more like I'm just gaining strenght to be able to part ways once I'm settled in to the newborn routine.
My family is about 1200 miles away. I know they would help me at the drop of a hat and I'm sure yours will too. 1 hour is not so bad. And I'm sure you can find another day school for your son that he will enjoy. I would rather him move schools now than witness the way daddy treats mommy for several more years to come.
SR is a great place.. it will give you strength and the power of lots of prayers coming your way. Good Luck with the new baby..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by isitme
I too have spent way too much time trying to figure out the why's. In fact, I think I do it as a way to not take action.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Found another open vodka bottle in the car tonight. (I never speed, because I don't know what's in my car ever.) I asked him if he went to the liquor store tonight and he wouldn't respond. We have another counseling appt tomorrow, and if we can't do something about this (get him to meetings or something), then when I go to house sit for my dad this weekend I will be staying. As hard as it may be, I am not going to give in this time. Thank you for the support. It's good to know I am not the only one in this postion (being pregnant) I will pray for you orviske and isitme. I am ready to have this baby, but I think it would be better if he/she would wait a few more weeks/months. I don't know how I am going to handle any of this transition with a newborn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by isitme
It's hard for me to envision him making a 180 in less than two weeks. I suppose it's possible, however I'm feel more like I'm just gaining strenght to be able to part ways once I'm settled in to the newborn routine.
..
..
Don't you feel like it will be even harder once the baby is here? Do you think you will be much more tired and busy, and less willing to gather everything and leave? I know I've thought well, maybe I'll just wait and see if he changes when the baby is born, but then I think how much harder it will be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'll just wait and see if he changes when the baby is born, but then I think how much harder it will be.
I agree w/ you what2type-- the last few weeks of pregnancy are the last chance to get anything "done" for quite a while!! Better to make a move while you are only moving 2 people (you and young son) than when you are trying to move 3 - especially post-partum when you should really just be in bed for a couple weeks and then focused on the cozy (and a wee bit hectic!!) mama/baby/big brother nest!!!
(((hugs))) and prayers for your strength and health....
Peace-
B.
I agree w/ you what2type-- the last few weeks of pregnancy are the last chance to get anything "done" for quite a while!! Better to make a move while you are only moving 2 people (you and young son) than when you are trying to move 3 - especially post-partum when you should really just be in bed for a couple weeks and then focused on the cozy (and a wee bit hectic!!) mama/baby/big brother nest!!!
(((hugs))) and prayers for your strength and health....
Peace-
B.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Welcome!
You're among friends here. You've had a lot of good responses already, but I will reinforce a few things:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
He's not doing this stuff TO you, he's just doing it. And the reason he's doing it is because he's most likely an alcoholic. He's doing what alcoholics do.
And you asked how you will handle everything? I suggest you do it One Day at a Time. I think I said the Serenity Prayer a hundred times a day, and I know I had to remind myself constantly to just stay in the moment, do the next right thing, and take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes 5 minutes at a time. I did a lot better when I was able to keep the focus on the here and now and not spend time awfulizing.
I also know that my decisions and choices became pretty clear when I realized that my 5 yr old son was learning how to treat his wife by watching how his father treated me. I wasn't able to make some of the decisions for myself, but I could make decisions for what was good for my sons.
Good luck. We are having lots of SR babies in the next few months!
Cats
You're among friends here. You've had a lot of good responses already, but I will reinforce a few things:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
He's not doing this stuff TO you, he's just doing it. And the reason he's doing it is because he's most likely an alcoholic. He's doing what alcoholics do.
And you asked how you will handle everything? I suggest you do it One Day at a Time. I think I said the Serenity Prayer a hundred times a day, and I know I had to remind myself constantly to just stay in the moment, do the next right thing, and take things one day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes 5 minutes at a time. I did a lot better when I was able to keep the focus on the here and now and not spend time awfulizing.
I also know that my decisions and choices became pretty clear when I realized that my 5 yr old son was learning how to treat his wife by watching how his father treated me. I wasn't able to make some of the decisions for myself, but I could make decisions for what was good for my sons.
Good luck. We are having lots of SR babies in the next few months!
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by What2Type
\
Don't you feel like it will be even harder once the baby is here? Do you think you will be much more tired and busy, and less willing to gather everything and leave? I know I've thought well, maybe I'll just wait and see if he changes when the baby is born, but then I think how much harder it will be.
Don't you feel like it will be even harder once the baby is here? Do you think you will be much more tired and busy, and less willing to gather everything and leave? I know I've thought well, maybe I'll just wait and see if he changes when the baby is born, but then I think how much harder it will be.
What I do think will make is easier is that I'll actually be able to lift and pack things after a few weeks. Right now, none of that sounds like my cup of tea. And I'll have my LO to actually think about. Deep in my heart I don't think he would ever do anything to physically hurt either of the kids. But in the last few months I've heard so many mean and hurtful things about a child that isn't even here yet that I'll be scared to leave him alone with the baby. I figure that will be pretty good incentive to keep truckin..
As of right now he's left for the night. What a blessing it would be if he chose to stay gone. I doubt it though, since he just called and woke me up at 1am saying he can't believe that I don't love him anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Well, another time to vent. Me and my H went to counseling again tonight. He said he was giving up the alcohol, so we will see. I realize too, that when we were married we said for better or worse, and in sickness and in health. I do realize that I have to look at the best option for myself, and my son, but for now, since the side effects are only his laziness, I am going to try to keep trying. Hopefully with prayer, and the support of our families we can get through this. God has answered so many of my prayers, I am trying to have faith we will overcome this obstacle as well.
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