wish he'd quit

AH used to do alot of his drinking at bonfires with his buddies. The mere smell of a fire of any sorts brings back bad memories of when AH would get completely drunk and verbally abusive. Well I get home from work tonight and the neighbor 2 houses down is having a fire in their back yard. I walk into my house and I smell that unmistakeable smell of the bonfires and the way he used to go to bed reaking of it. It's almost like he was here and Im expecting him to walk in at any moment and kill the peace again. I have sprayed air freshner but it only fades and the smell is back. I have been doing so well in trying not to dwell on the past but I feel like I cant get away from this tonight.

Stubborn1

That's a trigger for you. Make some new enjoyable memories while you are smelling that smell so maybe the next time you won't relate the two together. Just a thought?

wish he'd quit

Never thought about that since I have such negative feelings about that. I think I might try that.

AmpHusky

That sounds a lot like cognitive behavor therapy.

blessed4x

(((wish)))......it's almost like having Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, isn't it? You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

denny57

Minnie used to call that rewriting old memories. I was fortunate to have her re-write some with me in London and L.A.

Call it what you like - it works!

loner1968

Its the same for me. I have many olfactory triggers. campfires, BBQ, food burning in the oven. It either makes me real sad that those things seemed ruined for me now or I get really panicky when I smell burning food. back to the days of my father passing out and burning the food and the pan on the stove more than once. There are alot more but those are the main ones.

respektingme

Have some friends over with their kids and make s'mores and/or hot dogs around your own fire and replace those memories with your own. We have bonfires here about twice a year. It's really fun for the kids. BTW, Walmart carries super long sticks with handles to use for grilling by an open fire. Otherwise, it can burn their little knuckles. Be pro-active, not re-active.

wish he'd quit

Thanks everyone! I think the rewriting/cognative behavior therapy is what I'm going to have to do. I'm tired of these triggers bringing me down. It is just like Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. Any little thing can set it off. I'm just tired of him being able to upset me like that. He isnt worth it. Not that its just going to be that easy, but Respecting me is right. I need to be pro-active not reactive.

GiveLove

Cool! Everybody over to Wish He'd Quit's house for a smores party!
Smore (S'More) Recipes for Camping: Creative, Fun and Unique Smores (S'Mores) Ideas for Kids

But seriously, that has really worked for me too: Overpowering old sensory information with new, joyful memories that force the old junk out of my life. Good luck, wish!

p.s. we'll all be over after sunset tomorrow....

wish he'd quit

Oh that sounds like such fun! I'd love to have a big smores party at my house! Perfect timing too since I have huge piles of branches and limbs from the storm still. Think I might see if a few friends want to come over this weekend and have a cook out. Thanks for the idea.

serenityqueen

I've worked through a lot of issues by writing letters. I've written many, many letters since I have been in Recovery, the kind of letters that aren't mailed or given to the person they are written to. These letters were the ones that I wrote to just get the feelings out and believe me, it sure has helped!

Why not write him a letter about how you are done associating a fire with his behaviors? Let him have it! Tell him that those memories are gone and you are replacing them with positive memories of bonfires. And burn the letter in the bonfire!

I love the idea of having friends over and having a family fun bonfire. The perfect weather is right around the corner. There's no better time than fall to have a party around a bonfire. . . without alcohol and all the memories that those bonfires brought you in the past. If you have kids and or if your friends have kids, why not plan a Halloween party with bobbing for apples, costumes, ect.

Sounds like a lot of fun to me!

Hugs,
Judy

wish he'd quit

I'm a letter writer too. When I first decided to divorce him I wrote him one LONG letter. That was the first time that I wrote him about everything that I had been feeling and things that he had done that I had minimized. It is rather freeing to finally say everything that I have always wanted to say but never did.

AmpHusky

I took my daughter to the pizza place I would go to with the XAGF. It felt good.

GiveLove

I went back to the restaurant where he would meet his other women (a place I thought was "special" to us) and had a fantastic meal, made friends with the whole staff, and tipped everybody like crazy. Kind of like an exorcism!

wish he'd quit

I love that idea. I almost wish he could see it so that he will stop thinking I am not moving on. Then again if he was there he would kill the fun and good vibe. I say eat and be merry in peace.

respektingme

And about having the bonfire sans alcohol....... if you don't have a problem with alcohol, you can have some if you want. I don't have a problem with booze. When I had a bonfire, I made a pitcher of cosmos that got spread among several of the mothers. Equated to each person getting about a half a glass. My point is, if your A is gone, you no longer have to equate booze to evil. I denied myself for many years. That only made me resent him more. At a restaurant, I'd drink diet coke when I really wanted to order a mudslide. My not drinking didn't effect him one bit. But if he were out of my life, for sure I'd have the girls over from time to time for margaritas, music, chatting, having fun.

And when we do a bonfire, we ask everyone to bring something. I don't dictate what they should bring. They can bring whatever they want. Works out really well because people usually bring what they are good at making. I put a big table out and it gets loaded up with food.

wish he'd quit

Thank you for making this point. I have been struggling with this terribly. I actually told my counselor the other day that I feel like a hypocrite for drinking even though he is the one with the problem. He basically said the same thing as you. But like you I enjoy a drink on occassion.