This is my life???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: philadelphia, PA
Posts: 2
This is my life???
I can't believe this is my life. Hello everyone. I discovered this site about a week ago while researching addiction and I have been reading the posts ever since. When I found out that my son was addicted to heroin 7 months ago I thought- well, he'll go to rehab and get help, then this nightmare will be over. When he left rehab 2 weeks into it I thought- well, lets put him in a better rehab, then everything will be OK. When he got kicked out of that rehab, I found another one. When he managed to overdose and get kicked out of that one I set him up with intensive outpatient treatment. I keep looking for the program that will make him stop so that we can get back to our lives. After 2 near fatal overdoses and 2 car accidents in the last 3 months I have been frantically trying everything possible to stop this before he dies. Now that I am reading about everyone elses experiences I have come to realize that my nightmare is not going to be over- that it just began. THIS IS GOING TO BE MY LIFE? FOREVER? To think my son will have to suffer with this forever is unbearable. Our lives are changed forever. I don't know how to accept this. I feel like everything has been on hold while we deal with this problem and now I find out that THIS IS MY LIFE???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME????
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Lostsoul, I'm so sorry your going through this. You have done over and above everything you can possibly do at the moment. Your osn has to realize that he wants to get healthy before you can support him. The best thing for you right now is to find an alanon meeting in your area and get there...Addiction is so confusing to us in the beginniing. Its just not "put him somewhere" and he'll get back to normal. It took me counciling and alanon to get my head together. My son eventually put himself into rehab and is now doing OK..(I think))...Never can be too sure of that. Its so sad and your emotions are reeling so please try to take care of yourself and get some face to face support. Believe me~~it will make you feel that your not the only one going through this. Big hugs, Bonnie
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Oh my yes Bonnie sure said it, you are far from alone. There are many parents, spouses, brothers, sisters, etc etc going through it with you.
I know that alone is not going to make you feel all better but it is a start. Keep coming back here, do the reading & share your feelings through your posts. We as loved ones of addicts have learned, we cannot love the problem away. The motto you will hear over & over is hands off the addict.
Keep coming back.
Love,
Diane
I know that alone is not going to make you feel all better but it is a start. Keep coming back here, do the reading & share your feelings through your posts. We as loved ones of addicts have learned, we cannot love the problem away. The motto you will hear over & over is hands off the addict.
Keep coming back.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My daughter is also a heroin addict. Currently she has 4 months clean and is doing well. She was out there for about 2 and a half years. She lived with her boyfriend who supplied all her drugs. I did not think given her situation that she would ever get clean. I tried everything and then I finally tried something different-letting go. I put the focus back on me, read everything that I could about addiction, came here to read and vent and ask for others experiences. The last year of her addiction I was able to have a good life despite what she was doing. There were long stretches that I did not see her or hear from her. I now see those times as a blessing because I was able to take care of myself without having the chaos of her addiction in my face. It gave me time to get my life back and realize that I did not want active addiction in my life and will never again do that to myself. Our children do have to find their way by themselves and in their own time. But your life can get better. I promise you that. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
lostsoul25,
Welcome to Sober Recovery..
I also found this site after searching for help for my youngest son. Both of my sons are addicts..(I know..just lucky I guess) the young one (30) is sober for today, and living a good clean life, the other....(35)..well he's a toss up, in jail, and out, they put a revolving door in place for him.
Stick around keep posting, find some meetings, Alanon, or Naranon...great support in those meetings!
You're not alone...
Hugs,
Welcome to Sober Recovery..
I also found this site after searching for help for my youngest son. Both of my sons are addicts..(I know..just lucky I guess) the young one (30) is sober for today, and living a good clean life, the other....(35)..well he's a toss up, in jail, and out, they put a revolving door in place for him.
Stick around keep posting, find some meetings, Alanon, or Naranon...great support in those meetings!
You're not alone...
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
lostsoul, my ex-bf is a heroin addict. I came upon SR about this time last year, after his first relapse after being in rehab. it's been a long bumpy year, but what I have learned from reading and posting is that we are not alone, and that the addict needs to want to get help before we can offer help. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I understand the pain and fear of having a child in active addiction.
I tried for years to 'fix' my oldest daughter.
I almost ended up losing my mind.
That's when I realized I needed to focus on myself and learn how to detach with love.
I had to learn to let her face the consequences of her addiction.
Every time I thought she hit a bottom, she didn't.
Her first jail time was 9 months on felony meth-related charges.
Her husband divorced her.
She lost custody of her kids after she overdosed in front of them.
She's on probation again for another slew of charges, but she doesn't have a problem, you know?
She knows I love her, but I don't approve of what she's doing with her life.
She knows where recovery is; I've been clean/sober for 18 years now.
When I truly turned her over to God and got out of the driver's seat, I began to find peace of mind, in spite of having a child in active addiction.
You didn't cause your son's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
If there is Naranon or Alanon in your area, I would encourage you to reach out to resources like that, with people who understand.
I had to go through everything I went through to get to where I am today.
I no longer think I know better than God, and I allow him to do his work with my daughter.
:ghug2
I tried for years to 'fix' my oldest daughter.
I almost ended up losing my mind.
That's when I realized I needed to focus on myself and learn how to detach with love.
I had to learn to let her face the consequences of her addiction.
Every time I thought she hit a bottom, she didn't.
Her first jail time was 9 months on felony meth-related charges.
Her husband divorced her.
She lost custody of her kids after she overdosed in front of them.
She's on probation again for another slew of charges, but she doesn't have a problem, you know?
She knows I love her, but I don't approve of what she's doing with her life.
She knows where recovery is; I've been clean/sober for 18 years now.
When I truly turned her over to God and got out of the driver's seat, I began to find peace of mind, in spite of having a child in active addiction.
You didn't cause your son's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
If there is Naranon or Alanon in your area, I would encourage you to reach out to resources like that, with people who understand.
I had to go through everything I went through to get to where I am today.
I no longer think I know better than God, and I allow him to do his work with my daughter.
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lostsoul))
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent). Unfortunately, there is no cure for addiction. If an addict is not ready for recovery, there is nothing you can do to force it. Rehab gives us A's (addicts) the tools to use to recover, but it is up to us to use them, or not.
What everyone said above is true..the best thing you can do is put your focus on you, and not enable him.
My family never stopped loving me, but they did allow me to hit my bottom. It was only when I was faced with legal problems, and got tired of being broke, under the control of a drug, sleeping on the streets, etc., that I got clean.
Unfortunately, that's all I did..not use. I relapsed after almost 2 years, and then chose recovery. I never went to rehab, detox or anything else, but it helps a lot of people.
I got into recovery because I had had enough. I finally decided I wanted a better life. Your son will have to get to that point on his own, and he will get there quicker if he is forced to face consequences of his using.
You can go into bankruptcy trying to find the program that will make him quit and it won't work unless he wants to quit.
This is something no parent, or anyone else who loves an addict, should ever have to go through. But if you continue to read here, you will see many parents who have learned to hate the disease of addiction, love their child, and have a happy, fulfilling life.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent). Unfortunately, there is no cure for addiction. If an addict is not ready for recovery, there is nothing you can do to force it. Rehab gives us A's (addicts) the tools to use to recover, but it is up to us to use them, or not.
What everyone said above is true..the best thing you can do is put your focus on you, and not enable him.
My family never stopped loving me, but they did allow me to hit my bottom. It was only when I was faced with legal problems, and got tired of being broke, under the control of a drug, sleeping on the streets, etc., that I got clean.
Unfortunately, that's all I did..not use. I relapsed after almost 2 years, and then chose recovery. I never went to rehab, detox or anything else, but it helps a lot of people.
I got into recovery because I had had enough. I finally decided I wanted a better life. Your son will have to get to that point on his own, and he will get there quicker if he is forced to face consequences of his using.
You can go into bankruptcy trying to find the program that will make him quit and it won't work unless he wants to quit.
This is something no parent, or anyone else who loves an addict, should ever have to go through. But if you continue to read here, you will see many parents who have learned to hate the disease of addiction, love their child, and have a happy, fulfilling life.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
Welcome. The addict in my life is my 37 year old daughter. She has been on one drug or another since her teens, her choice now is crack. She has three beautiful daughters and a family that love her very much but it's not enough. They have to do it on their own and you must look after taking care of yourself. Sad to say all our lives have changed forever but this is a wonderful group with lots of information, experience and strength to help.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
One of my brothers is a heroin addict and I saw how much pain he caused my mother. He is fifty years old and just got out of a six month rehab and we are pretty sure he's back to his old habits.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hate that you have to have this much pain. Eventually you will learn to detach with love. I'll pray for you and your family.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hate that you have to have this much pain. Eventually you will learn to detach with love. I'll pray for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Hi,
I well remember the awful day i realized the same thing. I was sitting on the couch crying to my husband and yelling, saying "if this is going to be the rest of my life, I dont' want to live it." I was seriously considering suicide or else going back to using myself (I am a recovering addict) due to my addict daughter's endless downhill slide. Nothing I did helped her or made any difference. she'd walked out of 5 rehabs or detoxes and got kicked out of one by that time. Since I surrendered she's walked out of rehab # 7, too (so yes, she's 0 for 7). I was really at the end of my rope and unable to figure out how to live in such pain in the present, never mind in the future. That's called a 'bottom'. I really came to a point where feeling that bad about living life is a state of mind and emotion i want to avoid at all costs. I got very serious after that day almost 2 months ago, with finding a way to live differently. Try meetings, hang out here, try doing things you enjoy every day, lots of prayer for your son and also for yourself. Ask God to care for your son because you know you are powerless to do so yourself. God is a power greater than you, him, and the disease of addiction. Whenever I feel on the verge of despair, I remind myself how awful the pit feels, how nothing I did has made one bit of difference in my AD's life, how powerful God is, and I ask again for Him to care for her. then I force myself to change the subject in my head. I focus on something else. I want to say that people get to that place in their own times. For me, it took almost 2 1/2 years. You are newer in this process than I am at this point. It will take as long as it takes, but you still must reach a point where you are willing to let go (which for me only happened when I realized hanging on wasn't even working, and also - this is important - I had to really believe that my higher power is good and does care about and for my kid in order to be willing to trust Him with her.)
I well remember the awful day i realized the same thing. I was sitting on the couch crying to my husband and yelling, saying "if this is going to be the rest of my life, I dont' want to live it." I was seriously considering suicide or else going back to using myself (I am a recovering addict) due to my addict daughter's endless downhill slide. Nothing I did helped her or made any difference. she'd walked out of 5 rehabs or detoxes and got kicked out of one by that time. Since I surrendered she's walked out of rehab # 7, too (so yes, she's 0 for 7). I was really at the end of my rope and unable to figure out how to live in such pain in the present, never mind in the future. That's called a 'bottom'. I really came to a point where feeling that bad about living life is a state of mind and emotion i want to avoid at all costs. I got very serious after that day almost 2 months ago, with finding a way to live differently. Try meetings, hang out here, try doing things you enjoy every day, lots of prayer for your son and also for yourself. Ask God to care for your son because you know you are powerless to do so yourself. God is a power greater than you, him, and the disease of addiction. Whenever I feel on the verge of despair, I remind myself how awful the pit feels, how nothing I did has made one bit of difference in my AD's life, how powerful God is, and I ask again for Him to care for her. then I force myself to change the subject in my head. I focus on something else. I want to say that people get to that place in their own times. For me, it took almost 2 1/2 years. You are newer in this process than I am at this point. It will take as long as it takes, but you still must reach a point where you are willing to let go (which for me only happened when I realized hanging on wasn't even working, and also - this is important - I had to really believe that my higher power is good and does care about and for my kid in order to be willing to trust Him with her.)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Hi Lost Soul, Your story is like most of ours we all thought we had some control over the addiction of a loved one. I am the mother of a 21 AS he has been using since 16 years old. When I first found out I found a private rehab and put him on a plane. I thought when he gets home he will be better. Once home and relasped I took him to a private clinic daily for drug testing always came back negative ( he was substituting urine). I even kept him in the house under constant supervision what I didnt know was dealers were dropping off at our home in the middle of the nite. The lies are aIl part of the horrible addiction he would tell my spouse he was going to get his legs broken by drug dealers so we would pay the dealers. He would threaten suicide everytime he saw us detaching. I remember my first naranon meeting I thought " I dont belong here my son is going to get better and he is different from the rest". 5 rehabs later and we are still trying to detach. We realize that we didnt cause it, cant control it, and most importantly can not cure it. It is his journey as a parent we want to help it is devestating all our hopes and dreams for them we feel are shattered. I know it is unbearable to watch them destroy themselves I am so sorry. Please keep coming back to this site, so many knowledgable people it has been my lifesaver, find a local naranon group for yourself. There are no magic answers ( at one time when I heard that it made me very angry). Whenever I feel like I'm drowning I think he is in gods hands and I pray he will find his way.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Lostsoul, firstly a big hug for you. I got goosebumps when I read your post only because this was me a year or so ago. I know your pain. Mothers will always care and love their children even if you dont like them at this time.
The biggest thing I told myself was this - 'No, this is not my life - it is his !'
And while I cried and worried for him, felt guilty because I wasnt there for him in the ways I use to be - it freed me! I had to put reality first instead of dreaming about how it should be.
I mean, my son was killing himself, hurting everyone is his path and was a person nobody really liked. How do I deal with that? I had to separate the fact he was my son and see him as a person I didnt know. If he was a person I didnt know I wouldnt have given him a look in.
Once I detached myself from his addiction (not him) things got so much better. He was included in my life only when he wasnt using or drinking and he knew my rules. How much that helped him.
Love to U, JJ
The biggest thing I told myself was this - 'No, this is not my life - it is his !'
And while I cried and worried for him, felt guilty because I wasnt there for him in the ways I use to be - it freed me! I had to put reality first instead of dreaming about how it should be.
I mean, my son was killing himself, hurting everyone is his path and was a person nobody really liked. How do I deal with that? I had to separate the fact he was my son and see him as a person I didnt know. If he was a person I didnt know I wouldnt have given him a look in.
Once I detached myself from his addiction (not him) things got so much better. He was included in my life only when he wasnt using or drinking and he knew my rules. How much that helped him.
Love to U, JJ
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