The madness continues

Old 09-27-2008, 06:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Mr B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
The madness continues

I've just had a phone call from the police. It appears that XAGF had ordered some groceries and a lot of alcohol to be delivered to her home. The delivery driver was so concerned by the state of her that he called the police. How drunk do you need to be for a delivery driver to call the cops on you in your own home???

The police called me because they'd seen the children's bedroom at her house and must've asked her where the kids were. After I got over the initial shock of having the police call me, I explained to the constable what the situation was, that the children hadn't slept over at her house for nearly a year, and that social services were involved due to her alcoholism. The constable then asked if there were any friends who would be willing to go and help but, for the life of me, I don't know of any that she hasn't burnt out a long time ago with her drunken abuse. I gave the officer the phone number of her sister but I don't know if even she would be willing to go and help out any more. She did have a sponsor in AA a while ago but I don't think she's been back there for ages. Not My Problem, I know, it's more that it really hit me that in the space of a couple of years XAGF has gone from having lots of friends and a family that would support her to... no-one. No-one at all that is willing to subject themselves to the madness and abuse she metes out when she's been too drunk for too long.

What really had an effect on me, though, is that for the first moment when the police officer told me who he was and why he was phoning, I had a fleeting thought of "My god, XAGF has finally drunk herself to death..." I was also a bit jumpy about the police interest because, only a few weeks ago, XAGF had phoned in false reports that I was molesting my 6yo daughter This was in response to me refusing to let her speak to the kids on the phone when she was drunk and aggressive. She subsequently withdrew the allegations and our social worker knows there's no substance to them, but it still has made me very, very wary.

It's just so sad that her alcoholism is accelerating; I think, right now, she really is attempting to drink herself to death. I don't know what the police are going to do next with her. It's not an offence to be drunk in your own home, after all, and now they know that the kids are safe with me they'll probably be a lot less interested. I'm sure they've seen this kind of thing many, many times before...

Anyway. I just needed to vent, to get these feelings out in the open. I'm going to carry on with my children, as we've got fun things planned and it's a beautiful day.

Mr B.
Mr B is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:49 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Awakening
 
coyote21's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Mr B View Post
What really had an effect on me, though, is that for the first moment when the police officer told me who he was and why he was phoning, I had a fleeting thought of "My god, XAGF has finally drunk herself to death..."
Hi Mr. B, good to hear from you. I got a call from the police similar to yours several years ago when my nightmare had just started.

The officer said they had found my wife laid out in a neighbors yard at 3 pm and "she was unresponsive". My voice caught in my throat and I responded, "you mean she's DEAD!" He said no and apoligised profusely, she was just passed out and couldn't be awakened. But for a moment I had that same fear. It had a profound affect on me as well.

Since nothing has changed for her I fully expect to actually get that phone call some day. Nothing I can do about that.

You're doing all the right things...have fun with your kids. My DD and I are going for a float on the river today, then try to find some live music tonite. She dances like no one is watching! HA!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. With all the poor examples of dads and men out there you make me proud.
coyote21 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 03:16 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Mr B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Hey, thanks coyote! I think it did me good to get all that out as my kids and I went on to have a good, fun day. I allowed myself a short time to fret about what state XAGF is in, got the feelings down and then moved on. It's taken a long time but, bit by bit and drama by drama, I'm getting my codie habits under better control and letting go that bit faster. XAGF is in a situation of her own making and wild horses couldn't drag me back into getting embroiled with all that again.

It's a real shame for my kids that they don't have a mother they can rely on. But they do have me.

Mr B.
Mr B is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 04:21 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Better to have one parent they can rely on and have stability with than two screwed up parents, huh?!

Good for you, and I'm tickled you and the kids had a good time! :ghug
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 04:42 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Ph.D in insanity!!
 
Stubborn1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
This may be the codie in me but maybe she's at her breaking point? Can you get in touch with anyone from any AA that might be willing to go over and just speak with her? It's almost like something in you is telling you to "help her".
The only reason I say this is because it is the childrens mother. I know what she did to you was horrible so I don't suggest you do it but maybe lead someone to her door. Like an angel maybe?? Normally I would never post such a suggestion like that but she sounds in a horrible place and it seems that now would be a good time for someone to show up at her door with love (AA member)
Good luck sweets.
Stubborn1 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 05:16 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Awakening
 
coyote21's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Mr B View Post
It's a real shame for my kids that they don't have a mother they can rely on. But they do have me.
Ditto that.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
coyote21 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 06:46 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
TooMuch4TooLong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Mr. B and Coyote you both ROCK. Taking care of the kids is no easy feat and it is great to see real men who are willing to do it.

I am learning how to not live in fear of that call, I know it will happen and it will break my heart when it does. I also know the three C's thanks to this board. Can't Control it, can't Cure it and I darn sure didn't Cause it. It may be ten years from now or it may be next week. I don't know and even if I did I could not change it. That is not my decision.

So we take off the SuperCodie cape and we trade it in for what we really are. Me, I am a woman without super powers but I am a good mom and you are a man and a great dad.

Oh by the way, to be a good parent, you do have super powers..the power locate the other shoe with xray eyes, know when homework is not done, and the ability to know when a child is ready for a bath with a single sniff
TooMuch4TooLong is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 09:06 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 65
Good for you that you're focusing on your kids Mr. B. Sorry to hear XAGF hasn't made a decision to change her life. At least your kis aren't living with it. I took my kids and left my STBXAH and found that the kids were so much less strung out when they werne't living with an A in the house. I had thought for the longest time that staying together as a family was better for them but when I left I realised I had been subjecting them to life with an alcoholic which is something kids just shouldn't have to experience. So good luck with the kids - sounds like you're doing a great job.

It's tough when someone you love hits the self-destruct button. I tried and tried to get my STBXAH to see what he was doing to himself (rehab, therapists, phychiatrists, marriage guidance counseling) but in the end finally realised it was a waste of time. I feel for you since that call from the cops must have been really awful. I still hope against hope that one day my STBXAH will wake up and realise his life needs to change, but there's a part of me that feels like he's willing himself to drink to death too. Hope and pray for you to be strong. I know how tough your situation is but you sound really like you have your and the kids' lives together, so good for you. Hang on to that.
YellowRed is offline  
Old 09-28-2008, 02:53 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Mr B's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
This may be the codie in me but maybe she's at her breaking point? Can you get in touch with anyone from any AA that might be willing to go over and just speak with her? It's almost like something in you is telling you to "help her".
She may well be at breaking point. I have no way of knowing. I do know that there have been a number of situations and events in the past that I thought would be when she would hit bottom but it always turned out she was prepared to take the risk all over again.

What I also know, though, is that I am way past my breaking point with her. A year ago then, yeah, I'd have jumped in a situation like this. I'd have told the police officer that I'd go and see her, I'd have been calling her myself, trying to find out if she was ok, or trying to get someone else to go and check on her.

Now, though... I'm done with that. She's a responsibility I no longer accept. Sure, she's important to my kids but I've never been able to influence her drinking worth a damn and she's never been anything but aggressive and dismissive about the attempts I've made in the past to get her help. She has the contact details of at least half a dozen organisations or people that are willing and able to help her. Her life is her responsibility. My responsibilities are to ensure my children are safe, secure and loved.

Mr B.
Mr B is offline  
Old 09-28-2008, 04:01 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Mr. B, you sound like a wonderful father. It also sounds like you have detached with love from the addict. Kudos to you for doing everything you could and then being able to realize the rest is up to her. It hurts to helplessly watch an A destroy her life, but as I often say, we can love the alcoholics, but we generally have to love them from a distance.

Take care!
prodigal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:35 AM.