Vent re: anger and disgust toward my A

Old 09-26-2008, 06:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
Angry Vent re: anger and disgust toward my A

My AH is out of the house for a week now. I set the boundaries, he busted them by drinking and becoming violent, I enforced the boundaries, and he is out of the house. He has made a few attempts in the past week to manipulate me, but I have been unwavering in my demands that he go to AA, get a sponsor and work a program before I will even consider anything. I have been completely unsympathetic to his plight (he has been living at the homeless shelter due to no friends - only drug contacts). His mother, on the other hand, is the consummate enabler. He has been lying to her, manipulating her, and using her all his life. I firmly believe her enabling was a significant contributing factor leading to his multiple incarcerations. And now she is doing it again! He is a grown man, for crying out loud! Let him live with his own messes. She has been bringing him to her house in the afternoons because, poor him, he has no place to go during the day, he has to walk around all day. SO THE HECK WHAT!!! HE CHOSE THIS. LET HIM WALK HIS BUTT DOWN TO THE AA MEETING!!!! She is letting him stay at her house tonight, and is probably going to ultimately let him move into her house. I am so mad and so disgusted!!!! At her....at him. How shameless and selfish can you be to use and manipulate your own mother for your own selfish comfort!!! You made the choices that put you in a homeless shelter, LIVE WITH IT!!!! DO SOMETHING TO MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE BETTER!!!! DON'T USE SOMEBODY, MUCH LESS YOUR OWN MOTHER!!!! I know she is "letting" him use her, but for love of freaking God, HAVE YOU NO SHAME???? Just who is this man I married?? I am angry. I am completely disgusted. If I could, I would rip his throat out with my bare hands, that is how angry I am!!! (This is an example of my inability to deal with these feelings)(take heart, I have as of yet taken no actions and spoken no words) He has completely destroyed whatever respect I ever had for him. How does a person deal with having these feelings toward another person? Toward my own spouse, who I knew to the depths of my soul that I loved with all my heart???? At this point, he repulses me!! I am completely and utterly disgusted, and I just don't know how to process/work through these feelings. I cannot get stuck here!

I know that all of you have been through so much, no doubt this included. Please lend me your wisdom, experience, and advice. I could use more to mentally chew on right now than these despicable emotions and rage that are dominating my thoughts at this time.

Much thanks!
neecey1224 is offline  
Old 09-26-2008, 06:43 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Neecey:

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I have been there to some extent. I just try to remember that they are the ones that have a choice. If they want to live this way, then there is nothing you can do.

I know it's so hard, but stick to your plan for you. At some point you will be thankful you did.
NYC_Chick is offline  
Old 09-26-2008, 06:56 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Being Me for the first time
 
endzoner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
have you tried alanon to get help with all this or even a theropist ? could really help yah , cant hurt to try
endzoner is offline  
Old 09-26-2008, 07:03 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
Oh, most definitely, endzoner, it is for sure something I can see I'm going to need deal/work through this malarkey. The development of him staying the night just occurred this evening, so you could say this is a spur of the moment melt down on my part...hahaha. Was just seeking some words of encouragement for instant moment on how to deal with these emotions. Thank you for your support.
neecey1224 is offline  
Old 09-26-2008, 07:11 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey Neecey,

I think we've all been as angry as you are now - at one time or another. Wow, do I understand where you're at.

There wasn't much that helped me when my anger was raging, except to wear myself out physically and mentally with other, useful things. Work, working on the house, exercise (even though I dislike exercise), beating a pillow, driving my car somewhere private and screaming.......there was a thread here not too long ago on how to deal with anger. Does anybody remember where that ended up?

Ultimately, you have to let his mom do whatever she's gonna do. Those are her choices, and sick as it is, you've got to let her make her own mistakes even if you think they're hurting your AH.

And your AH is gonna do whatever HE's gonna do too.

All you can do is stick by your boundaries ----- WAY TO GO, by the way ------ and turn your thoughts back to your own happiness whenever you can. Your happiness isn't 100% dependent on what he does or doesn't choose to do. You have other choices too, your OWN dreams besides helping to heal an alcoholic, and it might make you feel better in your mind and heart if you were to focus your attention there instead of on things you can't control.

But I know how you're feeling, and I'm sending you a big hug from here!

GL
GiveLove is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 10:03 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
May it be
 
chrisea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
For me, it took all that anger , to get xabf to leave. After awhile (sometimes a looonng while) it settles. It doesn't happen overnight but....



I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days or great days.
chrisea is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 10:22 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Once I became "conscious" of being married to an alcoholic, I expected everyone else to suddenly "get it," too.

I do believe most addicts end up alienating all of their enablers. But not all. My grandmother enabled her son and son-in-law until the day she died at 86.
denny57 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 10:29 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I have found my anger has faded significantly since he's been living elsewhere. GiveLove's got some great venting suggestions. It's a matter of taste, but I sometimes listen to extremely loud, heavy music while driving on the highway (yay, SlipKnot!).

I also read an affirmation recently that suggested loving every emotion one experiences instead of trying to block it. Acknowledge it, but let it flow through you instead of allowing it to fester within. You have every right to be angry, but don't let it destroy you.
GrowingPains is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 06:15 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
Thank you all for your wonderful posts and words of encouragement and advice. I vented to a friend a bit, and then as I worked through it in my head, I decided I need to tell mother in law to butt out. (Which is no easy task since they are Russian, and even though she's been here for 17 years, she barely understands english. I had to have my whole statement translated to Russian online. Sentence by sentence...ugh) I'm not asking her anymore, I'm telling her. He's grown and married. He doesn't need to be mothered. He needs to grow up and be a man. And she needs to give him the chance to learn how to do that. If she respects my request/demand, great. I realize its no guarantee he's going to realize he needs to get help and learn how to stop drinking/using so he can have a decent life, and hopefully we can put our marriage back together. But at least there's a better chance of him coming to that conclusion without her enabling him. If she doesn't, at least I didn't just sit there and let this all happen to me. The heck if I'm waiting until she dies for him to have his "aha" moment.

Anyway, the anger has faded and I feel more at peace knowing I'm going to have a chance to say my peace, and with any luck, effect some change.

Thank you all again, and much luck and support in your personal journeys.
neecey1224 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:13 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Ph.D in insanity!!
 
Stubborn1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I had my ah's boss put him up in a hotel for a year. She paid. I could not believe the gull of this woman. They did not want to listen to me when I said you need to mind your own business. He is good at the job he does so they always protect him. It's unreal.
Now......he's doing it again. His new boss is letting him sleep in the dr's office. I'm the "bad guy" too.
It does make you sick how they can find a way no matter what while we struggle with everything. It does tick you off to no end.
Blood is thicker then water and there isn't a dang thing you can do. The mother thinks she's helping. My mother did that with my brother.
Try and keep your mind off of him. His life will never be better......just make your life great. That will tick him off. Hang in there.
Stubborn1 is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:38 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
TooMuch4TooLong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Hey Neecey,
We all get angry and that is ok. Mother's are the best enablers in the world and I think I know why somewhat. We never want our child to fail, to end up on the streets alone and helpless. We are Moms, for God's sake! It's our sworn duty to protect our children.

Yeah that being said my oldest brother was a crack addict. I came to visit my parents and he was living with them. I didn't tell my parents, I DEMANDED they move him out. He did some ghastly things while I was there. "I can't do that, he has no where else to go." Actually he did, he is dead now. He found some where else to go. The hard way.

Neecey I never thought I would hear my self use these two sentences but here I am and they are true. The three C's -You can't control it, you didn;t cause it and you can't cure it. Here is the second one-Let go and let God. You can't control his mom and you can't control him and you darn sure can't cure either of them. You only have you to do the fourth c on-Concentrate on you. Peace girl.
TooMuch4TooLong is offline  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:46 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
I used to get angry like that too with my in laws. I just couldnt understand how someone could enable behavior like AH and his brother exhibit. Turns out that I was also enabling some of the same behaviors. Their sons can do no wrong. Its always everyone elses fault. I wish I had some advice for you but unfortunately Im in the same boat. All I can tell you is to stand your ground with your boundaries.
wish he'd quit is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:35 PM.